Six months out and still paralyzing angst, depression, pain, and nightmares

[Bananafish101]

It's been almost six months now since I left him, and I don't feel much better.

 

My partner and I broke up at the beginning of July after three years of close friendship and a year and a half of dating. He got a military band job on the east coast last March–I supported him with all my energy and dedication from before he went to bootcamp, to nine weeks in bootcamp–writing him long detailed letters every day, visiting him at graduation–to his settling into DC. I helped him find an apartment, directed him over the phone when he’d get lost driving, researched things for him from a thousand miles away.

 

While he was in bootcamp, and after he got out, he started telling me he really wanted me to move in with him, that he was ready to take the next step with me.

 

After a couple of months of this, I decided to take a huge chance. I took a sabbatical year off from my job, moved out of my beloved apartment, moved up to be with him with nothing but the security that he’d have my back while I looked for a new job(s), etc. I pretty much organized the move once we decided this as well, researching prices, making reservations, etc.

 

Well, he didn’t. About a month before I got there, he’d started talking about this 24-year-old flute-player coworker (also in the band--eight years younger than me) that he felt was 'going to be very useful to him,' as a colleague. He said that he'd been miserable at his new job before he met her.

 

She immediately started aggressively asking him to do everything with her--professionally, domestically, athletically, recreationally... and he went with her. They were spending almost every day together for HOURS (anywhere from 3-14 hrs), sometimes till 2 am. It would always end up with him at her place, with her dog and cat, with her cooking for him and them drinking and talking, etc.

 

She started posting very often on his Facebook page, describing things that only he and she were doing or discussing, and how amusing and funny it all was. Or responding to his comments within minutes, though they often had nothing to do with her. So many inside jokes and inside references, that she had to share with the entire world and their mothers. All this while I was packing up my apartment to be with him, a thousand miles away.

 

He was never available to me while he was with her because he “didn’t want to blow her off or be rude to her.”

 

I was wary but didn't want to judge her yet. I wanted to be supportive of any of his friends. He had lots of female friends that I was okay with. I don't consider myself jealous by any means.

 

After I moved there, I met her. She was very cool towards me, but very warm and flirty towards him. he asked me what I thought. I told him I thought she was flirting with him. He replied that she was just a 'nice person' and that of course she'd be nicer to him, because he was actually friends with her and I wasn't.

 

In a week I discovered she was sending him flirty, sublimated sexual e-mails and messages almost daily on FB and e-mail. Also was sending him numerous texts, and 'embarrassing videos' of herself. Pictures of her dog and cat and how he was missing out by not being with them at her apartment. Also started 'accidentally' leaving her things at his place every time she came over.

 

I asked him if she’d ever sent him anything inappropriate. He flat out said ‘no’. He actually believed it.

 

Long story short–he didn’t think he or she were acting inappropriately at all, and defended her at every turn saying she was his best friend at work and just a “nice person” and that he was unwilling to change anything with her. That I was trying to control him and his life. He started gaslighting me.

 

He told me I was his ball and chain. He admitted that he was attracted to this girl and had even thought about what it would be like to date her, but still refused to spend less time with her or disclose any of their activities because 'it would violate her trust'. He blamed his attraction to her on my 'jealousy' and anger towards him.

 

At the same time, he kept saying he was completely committed to and devoted to me, and how come I couldn't trust him and just be okay with his and her 'friendship'. That I was still his priority. It came to a bitter and abrupt end beginning of July. I left after he suggested taking a 'trial break-up'--to see if he would 'miss me, or if he would just feel a huge sense of relief after I was gone.' Finito.

 

It was completely devastating. My life was completely blown out of the water. I was in shock for at least three months. I had to bump around with friends before I finally went back home to my folks in Oct. I lost 20 lbs in two weeks. Couldn’t sleep, dreams and nightmares and insomnia every night. Paralyzing depression and angst. I lived out of a suitcase for four months because my stuff was still at his (our) apt in DC.

 

Two weeks later he and this other girl started dating... despite everything he'd claimed about them being so innocent and her just being a friend. I didn't find out until two months later.

 

When I asked him about it (the last time we talked), he still claimed that 'he and she were just friends all the way up until they started dating' and that he had still been committed to me till the end. He also said that if I'd been okay with their 'friendship', he and I would still be together. That's when I left FB for good.

 

I had to go back to DC to move all my stuff back, and he screwed up the logistics of that too. Most of the boxes and my stuff ended up broken on the way to my folks.

 

While I was there (though I didn't see him), I basically discovered that he'd practically moved in with her. In just four months.

 

It's been six months, almost seven, and I'm still having nightmares every night where he, or she, or both of them, show up in some capacity and I have to watch them be together, or learn something else about what they're doing together. The other night I dreamed that they were suddenly engaged.

 

And then I still wake up shaking, sweating, heart racing, with panic attacks and this feeling like there's a 200 pound existential weight on my chest, and I can't believe I have to get through another day. The depression, despite my trying to exercise daily and do fun things, is just getting worse. Spending time with people and trying to get out just make me feel worse than I did. I still miss him, despite everything, and I hate that I do, because he replaced me oh so easily.

 

He has shown no remorse for anything. Of course neither has she. I feel like there's no justice in the world and it's killing me. That there really isn't any karmic retribution... they could just blow through my life with their completely selfish actions, demolish everything I knew, and I'm left having to clean up and pick up the pieces of the utter mess they made of everything I trusted. And they're together now at my expense, and they've gotten away with it all.

 

I don't know why I can't just shake this out of my psyche, knowing that I'm far better off without someone who's proven that he's a delusional emotional cheater, and wants someone who's as aggressively selfish and parasitic as her, but it's been so hard to get over almost four and a half years of trusting in his words, his seemingly unchanging sentiments that we should be together. I can't seem to forget that he said he was devoted to us, and committed to working on us, through thick and thin. I never thought he'd leave me so fast (within three months) of his moving to his new job, for someone he'd just met.

 

The grief is still overwhelming, especially this holiday season. I'm trying to cope... but this week I haven't been doing so well.

[burningashes]

Oh that's pretty tough

 

You're not wrong in your feelings that he acted inappropriately, and his so called friendship with her wasn't just that. He was not considerate of your feelings, and it sounds like it was for the best it ended.

 

It sucks that your ex ended up dating that girl. I was in the same situation as you were, except that my ex started dating the girl who was also friends with me. Talk about heartbreak! I don't talk to neither anymore, and that's because I walked away in the end, to give myself the space I needed to heal.

 

You should concentrate on yourself, and getting yourself back on your feet. I know it's so hard but it will get better with time. Keep yourself busy and don't contact him anymore unless it's regarding things you need to get back from him and whatnot. You can come here and vent, there are lots of awesome posters around LS

[Sarahbee]

That's a really sad story for you, I'm sorry you're hurting. Unfortunately you'll just have to feel the pain and grieve the loss, as the only way out is through. 6 months is still pretty fresh for such a big betrayal, so don't beat yourself up for still feeling raw about it. Time goes so slowly when we're in pain, and it can sometimes feel like it will never end or let up. But I promise you it will, so just be patient and do what you can to make yourself feel better.

 

I know it can sometimes feel like there's no justice, but try and take heart from the fact that he's now shown his true colours to you, and in time you'll realise and know without a doubt that you wouldn't want to be with someone who can treat you like that. Think of it as a lucky escape! Try not to think about them (hard I know), and instead try and focus on what you want. You will meet someone else when you're ready. Take good care of yourself.

[spaniard]

This must be very hard for you. The best you can do is to stay away from them, try to make sure no information about them can reach you. It will tkae a lot of time to "heal" I fear, but that's just how it works. Poor girl