breakingguitars Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 My wife and I have been together for 9 years and married for 6. We started off really young...in our teens. It was tough growing up with our two boys but we somehow made it and were pushing through as best as we could. But I was really unhappy with all the fighting. I had methods of operation. If we were going to be together, I had a plan...go to college, buckle down, neglect fun because we're young parents and we need to be ready with a good life when the kids are older or else things would be terrible. Just imagine: lousy jobs, debt, health insurance, accidents, no traveling...blah, blah. Well, for the past year I felt her bitterness more than usual BUT things were always okay. Unfortunately, I was breaking down because of the confusion. 6 months ago I had enough. I convinced her divorce was the best route. I tried my best and even I felt it was a good idea. She had just started a new job and I was months away from finally completing my college prerequisite courses. So she agreed. Not willingly, and for months she had a hard time. I was fine though. She had put me through plenty of the hell she gives. I tried filing once - no lawyer - and was told I needed more forms. So I filled them out and ran out of time that day. I hard to go get my kids from school. That day I told her "you file. I'm getting tired of this." I had no idea I would fall in love with her again though. After a college semester as a full time student and working nights shifts 3 days a week it was finally December. She came home two weeks ago and I sarcastically asked her (as she had many times to me) "So, did you file today?" She said she had and I was cool about it. I said, "How about one last kiss?" We kissed but it later came out that she didn't actually file. And that's when I knew, she still cared and I felt her love again. I want her back. But she says divorce is happening for sure. She says the 6 months I put her through were enough to get her over me and she doesn't want a repeat of the past nine years.
Mr. Lucky Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 6 months ago I had enough. I convinced her divorce was the best route. I tried my best and even I felt it was a good idea. She had just started a new job and I was months away from finally completing my college prerequisite courses. So she agreed. Not willingly, and for months she had a hard time. I was fine though. She had put me through plenty of the hell she gives. I tried filing once - no lawyer - and was told I needed more forms. So I filled them out and ran out of time that day. I hard to go get my kids from school. That day I told her "you file. I'm getting tired of this." Sounds like an awful lot of passive/aggressive game playing and brinksmanship. In a nutshell, your question seems to be "how can I get back together with a woman I threatened to divorce and then bullied into filing for divorce from me?". I'm not sure you're going to like the obvious answer... Mr. Lucky
Author breakingguitars Posted January 1, 2013 Author Posted January 1, 2013 By the time I was going to file for divorce the second time, it was late November, meaning the papers were going to come in at around this time - Christmas or New Years...Not exactly the right timing. During our relationship she had threatened me with divorce numerously. When I bring this up all she replies with is she would say it when she was upset. But after she said that repeatedly, I was in the state of mind that she needed an extra push, my support, or to feel the pressure of her own threats and the reality of the weight the statement had brought. I am still willing to file. Don't get me wrong. But she seems to have the "You can do whatever you want attitude." It's been toxic because there have been times I needed some other forms of support. I realized I wasn't going to get it with her and I was hurting for months. Now what I realized is that's just the way she is. It can be frustrating but at the same time, it is consistent. I always though it was neglect. That's what I've learned now...It wasn't neglect. So that is why I want her back. I thought she really didn't want me. But I've learned more about the quirks that people have as part of their personalities. They aren't rude, hateful, or bitter on purpose. It's the experiences, defenses, frustrations that are also part of who we are. Now, I can act just as determined as I was to divorce as I am willing to get her back. If she won't have me, fine. We can all move on.
ataloss8270 Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 (edited) By the time I was going to file for divorce the second time, it was late November, meaning the papers were going to come in at around this time - Christmas or New Years...Not exactly the right timing. During our relationship she had threatened me with divorce numerously. When I bring this up all she replies with is she would say it when she was upset. But after she said that repeatedly, I was in the state of mind that she needed an extra push, my support, or to feel the pressure of her own threats and the reality of the weight the statement had brought. I am still willing to file. Don't get me wrong. But she seems to have the "You can do whatever you want attitude." It's been toxic because there have been times I needed some other forms of support. I realized I wasn't going to get it with her and I was hurting for months. Now what I realized is that's just the way she is. It can be frustrating but at the same time, it is consistent. I always though it was neglect. That's what I've learned now...It wasn't neglect. So that is why I want her back. I thought she really didn't want me. But I've learned more about the quirks that people have as part of their personalities. They aren't rude, hateful, or bitter on purpose. It's the experiences, defenses, frustrations that are also part of who we are. Now, I can act just as determined as I was to divorce as I am willing to get her back. If she won't have me, fine. We can all move on. Did you really expect to get emotional support from the person you told you wanted a divorce? She is protecting her heart from getting hurt again. Have you asked her what the possibilities are of reconciling? Edited January 2, 2013 by ataloss8270
Mr. Lucky Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 I am still willing to file. Don't get me wrong. That's what I've learned now...It wasn't neglect. So that is why I want her back. How does an expressed willingness to divorce her motivate your spouse to work through the issues challenging your marriage? In my experience, once the "D" word is on the table and both partners, one foot out the door, consider it to be an option, it's very tough to put things back together. YMMV... Mr. Lucky
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