HARPER100 Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 Firstly, sorry if this isn't the appropriate place for this post – wasn't sure where else it would fit. I dated a girl 8 years ago who I ended up treating pretty lousy. I finished things with her after about 6 months (I had been thinking about it for weeks but to her it was out of the blue) and proceeded to mess her around in the ‘hang out as friends’ stage after, giving false hope, calling her when drunk, picking and choosing when we would meet up etc. I don’t really want to go into detail but I know she was hurt by a lot of my actions and it messed up the best part of a year for her. I apologised to her on numerous occasions but eventually I think it became like white noise and she neither listened or cared for anything I had to say. She moved away for work a year or so after all this happened and there has been no contact since (so about 6 years). We did briefly meet up before she left but it was awkward and we avoided any meaning full conversation. Although this all happened a long time ago it still plays on my mind from time to time. Never before or since have I treated some one so badly. I was a complete a##hole. Recently I have been thinking about e-mailing her to say sorry. I'm ashamed of the way i acted and would like her to know how genuinely sorry I am that my actions caused her so much undeserved distress. My concern is how an apology after all this time will be received. I know some people will say it is just to try and appease my own guilt and that may partly be true. Whenever I have thought of apologising in the past I’ve always come to the conclusion that it would be meaningless to her or worse still bring back bad memories that she banished along time ago. The only reason I’m asking this now is that a similar thing happened to me a few years after all of this. I was dumped with out explanation, feed a few crumbs and then ignored. This ex did not speak to me for years and then out of the blue a month ago I get an e-mail apologizing for her previous behaviour. It was short and to the point but I did appreciate it. So now I’m not sure what to do for the best? Just to clarify I have no interest in trying to strike up a friendship or anything like that and I don’t expect a reply. If anyone has had similar experiences or any advice I would be happy to hear from you.
Inviv_girl Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 Dude after 6 years? really? did you learned from what you've done to her within those years? off course it was really hard for her, no body wont get hurt for being dumped anyway, she can survive for really 6 years now and the genuine apology come up from you?? I think if u really concern and regret what you did you should meet her in person for that and genuinely ask for apology! The most important is not apology itself, but the action that you WILL NEVER DO IT AGAIN to her or to anybody else! I think thats call genuine in real meaning.
Amelie1980 Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 Well one of ex boyfriends fell into drink and drugs in college. he used to come to my room after a drink fuelled night and expect me to care for him and nurse his hangover. when I tried to throw him out of my room he turned violent and hit me. Stupidly I stayed with him only to be cheated on by him later. This was 10 years ago. I would like to think that he is sorry for what he did. if I were to receive an email from him now saying he had thought of me to& was sorry I would be very surprised but I would be glad to hear he had thought of me and was sorry for what t he did. Do it if you want to.
crashvector Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 HARPER100: here is a true story to answer your question, if you are willing to read all the way through. 15 years ago, I was in college for the first time, and I met this girl. She was great...a few red flags, but what the hell, she was gorgeous, and sweet...and a good friend. We eventually dated for 6 years and then got married. We were married for 6 years, making the total time of our relationship 12 years. During the later years of our dating and the early years of our marriage, (I was 24), I started to notice that sometimes, I didnt really feel like myself. Then, i started to notice that there were these unexplainable, large gaps in my memory. I started talking to my wife about it, who said that indeed, there were times that I was acting really strange and she didnt really know what to do about it. Over time, I got worse...and the memory gaps got larger...and my wife started treating me differently. Neither of us understood what was wrong. Well, everything came to a head one night when i found out what she had been doing behind my back, and I lost it. I ended up in a psych hospital, which I can BARELY remember even to this day. I DO remember quite a few other people in there whose spouses had just left them, so its not like we were NUTS or something, but having the woman you love for 13 years cheat on you tends to knock a few screws loose. In MY case, however...i was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, type 1. How could that happen?! I was a NURSE! I wasn't CRAZY or anything..they HAD to be wrong! My then wife and I were separated, not divorced, and were going to TRY and work things out (because I was SUUUUCH a doormat for that woman). I was placed on all kinds of medicines that mess with your brain chemistry in an attempt to control my erratic emotions. Most of them just made things worse. Take it from a medical professional: You start messing with someone's brain chemistry, and ALL KINDS of bad shiat can happen. they put me on what was then a brand new drug, Lexapro. I went absolutely, completely, totally insane. I was doing weird crap at night like putting random items in a pile on my floor (coathangers, the gazing ball from the garden outside, a left shoe, a can of greenbeans, etc) and would wake up the next morning like "WTF?! did someone break in my house and just put random **** on the floor or something?! What I DIDNT realize at the time was....I was also being EXTREMELY emotionally abusive to my wife at the time during those periods. Now, some would argue that she deserved it a bit...but that's just not me. I'm a VERY sensititve guy, and I CARE how what I do and say impacts other people. Fast forward 6 years. We are divorced. I am stable. All of my symptoms have gone away after YEARS of therapy and HUNDREDS of different medication combinations. One day, I drop my son off at her house, and I dont know what happened...I just felt this urge. I poured my heart out to my exwife and told her that I was so sorry for the things I had done. I told her that I did not expect her to forgive me, but only wanted her to know that if there was ANYTHING i could to do help her deal with how I acted during those times, she only had to make me aware and it would be done. If she wanted counseling, i would pay for it. If she wanted therapy, I would pay for it. Whatever she needed, she would get it. I told her that I hope she know I DID love her, and that I was eternally grateful for her for everything she put her body through in order to have our son, which I consider the greatest moment in my life..the moment I saw them pull my son out and I became a father. I told her a part of me would always love her because she was the mother of my son, and that even though things between her and I were over, that I would ALWAYS respect her and cherish the good times we had." When i was finished, she teared up, hugged me and told me "Thank you. I've waited six years to hear you say that. Thank you for looking me in the eyes and telling me that I meant something to you. I was frightened at what was going on and didnt know what to do. Yes, I have moved on and am over you and our marriage, but it DOES mean al lot to hear this." So...I would say...no. Apologize if you think it will make HER feel better. Do not say you are sorry to quench your own guilt...that is selfish. If you mean it from your heart, and are doing it to ease HER pain, then it is honorable.
Oberfeldwebel Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 You stated that you have already apologized several times. So for what purpose is this apology and why do you think this one will ease her pain? It sounds more like you are looking for absolution of your sins. Your behavior in your own words was deplorable. This is the cross you will have to bear in life and seems to be a tough lesson learned. I see nothing fruitful in tracking her down bring up old wounds, just to clear your conscience. If however you do happen to see her and the timing is right than a short sincere apology would be in order. 1
crashvector Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 You stated that you have already apologized several times. So for what purpose is this apology and why do you think this one will ease her pain? It sounds more like you are looking for absolution of your sins. Your behavior in your own words was deplorable. This is the cross you will have to bear in life and seems to be a tough lesson learned. I see nothing fruitful in tracking her down bring up old wounds, just to clear your conscience. If however you do happen to see her and the timing is right than a short sincere apology would be in order. Yes, this. Everyone has their crosses to bear. I still carry one or two from my first marriage, and have at least one more from my recent relationship. Its a hard, harsh lesson...but I think everyone would do well to remember this: How you treat other people DOES matter. It matters if you try to be a good person or not. Eventually, everyone pays their emotional debt. Everyone. Some of us try to stuff it and hide from it and end up paying HUGE amounts of interest on that debt. Others of us try to treat everyone as well as we can, and try to avoid situations that make us feel we have to apologize for in the first place. Remember if you are in a relationship, this other person is TRUSTING you to treat him or her well. DO IT! Treat them well. If they are telling you they love you, what they are REALLY saying is "I trust you...please don't do anything to hurt me". And WOW is that profound. It is a great responsibility, and a great HONOR to have someone place that much trust in you...you owe it to them to do you God's honest best to treat them well. 2
Pinky777 Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 In the beginning when you apologized, she couldn't hear it because the wounds were too fresh. In 6 years I would safely assume she's over you to point where those wounds have little danger of being reopened. I'd personally love to hear that someone that once hurt me has learned from it and thought enough of me to reach out. If your intentions are to make her feel better, go for it. 1
Author HARPER100 Posted January 4, 2013 Author Posted January 4, 2013 Thanks for the replies, it's much appreciated.
ScienceGal Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 If you have already apologized, then don't again. For me, it would mean a lot coming from someone who never showed remorse for their actions, even after so many years. And yes, I have an ex in mind. Not holding my breath on that apology though
Author HARPER100 Posted January 4, 2013 Author Posted January 4, 2013 If you have already apologized, then don't again. For me, it would mean a lot coming from someone who never showed remorse for their actions, even after so many years. And yes, I have an ex in mind. Not holding my breath on that apology though I apologized after individual incidents back when we were hanging out. I want to offer a general apology for my behavior during the period that she knew me.
ScienceGal Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 I apologized after individual incidents back when we were hanging out. I want to offer a general apology for my behavior during the period that she knew me. I see. Well, do it if you think it will matter to her. And, if you think there is any chance she has feelings for you, absolutely do not contact her. If you do, maybe just tell her you were thinking about a bunch of things from your past and that you thought of her and how she was great to you and didn't deserve to be treated poorly. Tell her you are truly sorry but don't give the impression that you want anything from her.
Author HARPER100 Posted January 4, 2013 Author Posted January 4, 2013 I see. Well, do it if you think it will matter to her. And, if you think there is any chance she has feelings for you, absolutely do not contact her. If you do, maybe just tell her you were thinking about a bunch of things from your past and that you thought of her and how she was great to you and didn't deserve to be treated poorly. Tell her you are truly sorry but don't give the impression that you want anything from her. I don't really know, hence the post here. If I though the apology would be accepted or even taken with indifference I would contact her now. I'm positive there are no feelings, we had both moved on before she left and that was 6 years ago. I was thinking of going with your approach so thank you for the advice.
TempusFugit Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 Did you send it and if so any response? I'm on the receiving end of something similar so interested if your motivation to do this.
Ladybugz Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 I think maybe now you really repent. Before it was just a game for you so you can get back with her. I think you should send her a apology out of your heart. And if it really is it will shore sound even on paper different. So just send and dont aspect anything cause she is over you. And you already done enough.
Ladybugz Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 And if you realy srry it will show in the rest of your relatonships. But if you keep dealing the same with woman i dont think you really sorry,some how. and dont keep email her. its anoying. that apology and move on.learn from your mistakes.
edwardbear Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 You have toknow that she has moved on in her life. If you try to call she will rethink what you did and it will all come back to her. Let her to her new life knowing she is happy in life and, you need to move on. Time is a funny thing, it goes by very fast. Takethe time you have and live, live life like its your last day, and let her do the same! Jon
Ordinaryday Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 Maybe this will be the unpopular view, but whatever. I personally would not do it. When dumper exes of mine have recontacted me to "say sorry" for what they believe they did wrong in the relationship it has ALWAYS bothered me because I always felt that they were JUST DOING IT FOR THEMSELVES, to clear their conscience. And what bothered me more is that their was this sort of expectation from them that I would reply back saying something like "hey thanks for that! It is nice to hear from you, glad we sorted that out, wish you all the best" as if I am cool with it, when I am FAR FROM 'cool with it'. If it is an ex I don't want to see any more I just ignore their contact. I don't owe it to them to respond and ease their conscience. And if it was an ex that I wanted to reconcile with I would respond with something blunt like "unless you want to reconcile, don't waste my time by sending me pointless messages" - probably sounds harsh, but being dumped was also harsh. 2
na49 Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 Maybe this will be the unpopular view, but whatever. I personally would not do it. When dumper exes of mine have recontacted me to "say sorry" for what they believe they did wrong in the relationship it has ALWAYS bothered me because I always felt that they were JUST DOING IT FOR THEMSELVES, to clear their conscience. And what bothered me more is that their was this sort of expectation from them that I would reply back saying something like "hey thanks for that! It is nice to hear from you, glad we sorted that out, wish you all the best" as if I am cool with it, when I am FAR FROM 'cool with it'. If it is an ex I don't want to see any more I just ignore their contact. I don't owe it to them to respond and ease their conscience. And if it was an ex that I wanted to reconcile with I would respond with something blunt like "unless you want to reconcile, don't waste my time by sending me pointless messages" - probably sounds harsh, but being dumped was also harsh. I agree with you. My ex treated me like dirt towards the end of our relationship. Cheated on me. Talked about me to her friends. So when she came knocking two months later with the "I know we ended on bad terms, but I'd like to be friends" I promptly ignored it. No apology yet, so I guess my story might not apply, but it was the closest thing. It was her idea of "being civil" "being the bigger person" and she probably thought that I'm the one being immature when 2 months ago I tried to settle things between us and she insisted on insulting me every chance she had. Some people just never change. The fact is that their apology is for them. We're hurt enough, nothing they say except for maybe "I'm sorry. Please give me another chance" will make us feel better. It is very selfish and only done to relieve their guilt. They want a response to know that you don't hate them and you aren't mad at them. If you're not mad at them, then what they did to you must not be that bad. Right? (WRONG!)
Addison312 Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 I received an apologetic Facebook message in 2008 from someone I broke up with in 2003. He was an ass. I can only assume he sent the message to make himself feel better because that's just who he was/is. Don't send the message. She has forgotten about you.
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