Necris Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 I notice we always have threads where people like myself are struggling to get a date, can't get a girlfriend or if you're a woman can't get a boyfriend, and after thinking about it I think I have found the perfect solution. Instead of wasting money on PUA techniques, learning mind games, and other useless things what about just learn to stop caring? When I say stop caring I'm not advocating mind games where you fake disinterest to make yourself look attractive. I'm not advocating to quit trying to date and just get prostitutes. Instead just learn to stop caring about sex, dating, relationships, etc. Stop thinking about all of it and instead just use that energy for something more productive. I'm also not going to lie and say by not caring you'll eventually attract the ladies, in all likelihood that probably won't happen. Fortunately however if you do not care at all about dating, sex, and relationships that won't bother you, just let everyone else worry about such matters while you pursue something else. Unfortunately I don't really have any advice on how to actually stop caring, I'll leave that to you.
Nightsky Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 your advice is a perversion of the "stop caring" technique. The way stop caring works is you stop caring if things work out or not. As in a care free approach to dating. You don't stop wanting or trying to get a date. You don't care if you don't have a date, or the date doesn't work out. It's like not caring about money yet still working hard to be successful.
Author Necris Posted December 31, 2012 Author Posted December 31, 2012 your advice is a perversion of the "stop caring" technique. The way stop caring works is you stop caring if things work out or not. As in a care free approach to dating. You don't stop wanting or trying to get a date. You don't care if you don't have a date, or the date doesn't work out. It's like not caring about money yet still working hard to be successful. Think about it, if you truly stop caring about things like dating, sex, relationships, etc. you won't feel sad that you're a virgin, can't get a girlfriend, or can't get a date you just don't care about those things making yourself a happier more productive person as your energy is focused elsewhere. Instead of going to parties, bars, or wherever popular social places people attend to meet others and trying to hit on the women, trying so hard to get numbers and possibly a date and then getting inevitably rejected and feeling terrible, how about you use all that wasted time on something more worthwhile like that book you were wanting to write, or hang out with your buddies. You get more accomplished, and feel happier now that you don't care. If you don't care instead of being worried that you'll never find anyone and will be a virgin for life you instead you are happy and content.
Keenly Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 Not really so easy for me. I can deal with the being alone part on a mental level, but emotionally... I have a really big heart and I have a lot of love and affection to give, but no where for it to go. THAT is my hardest part, Is I have no one to flatter, compliment, talk to etc. 2
Pyro Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 Not really so easy for me. I can deal with the being alone part on a mental level, but emotionally... I have a really big heart and I have a lot of love and affection to give, but no where for it to go. THAT is my hardest part, Is I have no one to flatter, compliment, talk to etc. Volunteer somewhere?
Author Necris Posted December 31, 2012 Author Posted December 31, 2012 Not really so easy for me. I can deal with the being alone part on a mental level, but emotionally... I have a really big heart and I have a lot of love and affection to give, but no where for it to go. THAT is my hardest part, Is I have no one to flatter, compliment, talk to etc. Difficult yes, but I believe changing your way of thinking can be done.
Sun Devil Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 Necris, have you tried improving yourself? If not, then you are giving up, and those people never win
Mrlonelyone Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 With the defeatist attitudes displayed in this thread no advice will work. You can call my advice lame, but I've had sex with women unlike you. 1
ThaWholigan Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 With the defeatist attitudes displayed in this thread no advice will work. You can call my advice lame, but I've had sex with women unlike you. Bit harsh at the end there, but apart from that I agree. All that talk about Machiavellianism and being a psychopath to get women is even lamer than the advice that was called lame in the first place.
Author Necris Posted December 31, 2012 Author Posted December 31, 2012 Necris, have you tried improving yourself? If not, then you are giving up, and those people never win Yes actually I have like getting new clothes, upgrading my car, going to the gym, studying people, reading up on PUA and other dating info and getting advice from others, trying to go out more and expand my social circle, taking acting classes, etc. But I haven't seen any results. It may not be meant for me to have a relationship and I should learn to stop caring about all of this. If you stop caring how can you lose?
Author Necris Posted December 31, 2012 Author Posted December 31, 2012 Let's go through some of the half-baked advice we've been given in this place over the past couple of days. Be Yourself? Lame. Become rich? Nope. Make a move on a girl you're in the friend zone with even though she's not attracted to you. Sure. If you want to be awkward. Play it "safe"? What? Pick up a bar tab to buy a strange women drinks. Yeah' date=' if you like being a free meal ticket. [b']Now we come to "stop caring". Sorry buddy, that's not the advice either. [/b] d'Argennes all of that talk about adopting sociopathic, narcisstic traits still won't help you if you aren't already attractive or extremely manipulative and charismatic, sociopathy isn't attractive but sociopaths are able to easily attract women due to often times being also manipulative and charismatic or just plain attractive this is how they are able to lure unsuspecting women. Anyway think about my advice, at first I know it may sound like giving up but remember if you were to truly stop caring about having sex, going on dates, and getting into relationships you won't have any problems. Why? Because you just no longer care about things like that, and you'll hopefully use that energy for more important endeavors.
Author Necris Posted December 31, 2012 Author Posted December 31, 2012 I don't think this is quite what was meant by 'improving yourself'. More like, improving who you are as a person, what you're about, examining your value system, examining how you treat others.....bring intrinsic rather than simply extrinsic qualities to the table. I don't rate highly compared to many guys in my area from the POV of financial status/profession/material possessions, so on the outside, I may not appear to be a great catch. But I can pretty much get whatever girl I want because of the intrinsic qualities I have...I'm compassionate, honest, interesting, educated, giving, and genuinely interested in other people. That's all that really matters. I'm honest, nice, caring, and highly intelligent. I'm also shy, extremely nerdy, and at times can feel somewhat socially inept, and I find it extremely difficult to connect with people.
Keenly Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 I'm honest, nice, caring, and highly intelligent. I'm also shy, extremely nerdy, and at times can feel somewhat socially inept, and I find it extremely difficult to connect with people. +1 10charrr
Jamesblame Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 (edited) I am relatively successful though I doubt I'd blow anyone away. The way I got to dating more girls than I could do with was by knowing who I wanted to attract, doing what I loved to do, and really not putting up with any drama. Besides my ex of course, lol. Over all, don't lower your standards because you're a guy, nor raise a girl up because she has a vagina. Look for a genuinely attractive partner, but always enjoy your life, single or not. Then get comfortable with chatting girls up. Becoming "charming" isn't difficult nor insincere. Just become a guy you would like, and others will follow suit. Though you should definitely adopt a philosophy that argues you shouldn't like someone who dislikes or is uninterested in you. Invest yourself cautiously, too....but stay open and honest. Now that being said as I've matured I've become more successful. And my personality traits have changed which is most likely the cause: From introvert to extrovert From doormat to having healthy boundaries From liking meeting people to loving meeting new people From hating myself to really liking and being proud of myself From being lackadaisical about appearance to paying attention to it while feeling comfortable with my fashion From being afraid at failing to do my hobbies well to trying new things and actively enjoying my hobbies. Edited December 31, 2012 by Jamesblame 2
Sun Devil Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 Necris, you mention that you are shy, nerdy, and socially inept. Have you done anything to fix it?. You cannot stop caring about the opposite gender unless you are also asexual. I will always want a girl and will do whatever it takes to get it, even if it breaks the law. My desire for a girl will never die and no amount of therapy will fix it. To tell people to give up on finding a mate shows that you have no understanding on human desires. It is even proven that men who do not get girls are much more likely to commit violent crimes or suicide. It is a need despite what you say.
ChessPieceFace Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 I was hoping for the whole OP to be just a giant picture of a fleshlight. Instead of wasting money on PUA techniques, learning mind games, and other useless things what about just learn to stop caring? I'm also not going to lie and say by not caring you'll eventually attract the ladies, in all likelihood that probably won't happen. Fortunately however if you do not care at all about dating, sex, and relationships that won't bother you, just let everyone else worry about such matters while you pursue something else. First off, I think this forum is a pretty awful representation of dating and a pretty awful source for advice. I don't know for certain why that is, but I would speculate that many of the human beings that actually have the skills and personality to be in successful relationships are probably off happily in their relationships, and not bothering to troll dating forums. Thus you have a collection of angry man-haters and woman-haters and people who will tell anyone and everyone to just "END IT!" for any small problem, because they have zero empathy for other human beings and zero understanding of the consequences of what they propose. Second - your thesis of "stop caring" is all well and good in theory, but I don't think it represents reality. In fact I read your post as "I tried (or thought about trying) some dating techniques and failed miserably / got discouraged and now I'm giving up! Why don't you give up also?" It's easy to say you gave up. You still have to live the rest of your life. Think you're going to have a happy life and cling to your decision for the rest of it? Based on your post I would guess ... not. I could list pages and pages of obstacles between someone like you or me and achieving wedded bliss, but even realizing and accepting all of those obstacles, you're still faced with the choice of taking your best shot or actually being content with a lonely, lonely life. I think the lonely choice is a lot harder than you think, I think you will look back and wished you had kept trying. My basis for not giving up entirely is this - I don't need to attract all women, just the right woman. It doesn't matter how many life-destroying women are out there, I just have to find one woman of conscience, character and integrity. They still exist, I've met a couple in my life.
Author Necris Posted December 31, 2012 Author Posted December 31, 2012 Necris, you mention that you are shy, nerdy, and socially inept. Have you done anything to fix it?. You cannot stop caring about the opposite gender unless you are also asexual. I will always want a girl and will do whatever it takes to get it, even if it breaks the law. My desire for a girl will never die and no amount of therapy will fix it. To tell people to give up on finding a mate shows that you have no understanding on human desires. It is even proven that men who do not get girls are much more likely to commit violent crimes or suicide. It is a need despite what you say. I wouldn't say I'm socially inept but at times I do feel a little retarded in some social situations due to lack of experience. As for my shyness I try to overcome it by just forcing myself to go out and talk to people and go to places even though I really don't want to. And my nerdiness well, what's there to change? If someone thinks I'm lame for being a nerd, then oh well. Anyway my advice was to just stop caring and live your life, this has been said before by quite a few people but instead of saying at the end that obvious lie "and the right one will come to you", I'm saying don't care about that either. If you can do this you'll probably be alot happier than that guy who knows he can't get a girlfriend, obsesses over it but only experiences pure failure.
movingon12 Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 There is a big difference between 'giving up' on finding a relationship and 'not making it the number 1 priority in your life'. Often when people advise 'stop caring so much' - they don't mean prepare to be single for the rest of your life; they mean your priorities are out of wack. If your whole life revolves around working out how to meet women (or men), then something is wrong. I've seen posts on here from people who went clubbing - even though they hate loud music and clubs - in order to try to pick up women. Then complained it was crap. Of course it was crap - they're doing something they don't like doing in the hope they might meet someone. That's wrong. They'll have a bad night and end up more bitter and unhappy. I've seen posts on here from people who want to be told what clothes they should wear, what hobbies they should take up, what places they should go to. That's wrong. You can't successfully pretend to be someone you're not (or at least not for a long period of time) and you won't feel comfortable or happy doing it. The biggest issue is people who like to spend their time alone in their room playing computer games. They argue they can't meet women if they do what they like - i.e. stay alone in their room - so what are they supposed to do? To those people I would ask: what would you do if you had a girlfriend? Do you plan that she should sit next to you in your room whilst you play computer games? If so, you need to find people who like sitting in bedrooms playing computer games - which I guess means spending a lot of time online on games forums, chatting to the girls on there. It doesn't mean going to bars to find girls who like socialising. If, when you have a girlfriend, you're planing on going out, exploring the world, whatever, what are you waiting for? Do it now. I know there are lot of people who are hoping someone will come to this forum one day with some magic phrase or technique they can use to have women crawling all over them, because that's quicker and easier than working on improving themselves. However, like it or not, the reality is relationships work when you find someone who likes you for who you are. If who you are isn't particularly likeable or interesting that's what you need to be working on. 2
PinkSapphire Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 So, I am not sure I agree with where this advice is coming from, nor necessarily believe the OP to truly want to not care; I actually agree with this advice. I realize that for a woman, it is probably easier, but here is my take on how to "not care" (gleaned from living a life of *mostly* not caring - soemhow after my break up I REALLY cared and thought I needed a new man asap. Ridiculous) Anyway, the trick, imo, is to fill that vacuum. I see people wanting so much for this thing they lack (relationship) that it becomes almost an obsession. THey focus so much on what they don't have instead of focusing on what they do: friends, family, job, hobbies, passions. So, fill that void; nature abhors a vacuum, so fill it up. If you just broke up, filling the vacuum will help you get over it over time (still be painful), and if you just long for a special someone, fill that emptiness by taking up a new skill, learning something, or re-investing in a hobby you used to have. It can be anything: exercise, martial arts, dancing, writing, drawing, learning a new language, practicing an old language you used to know, cooking, sewing, knitting, baking, reading, rock climbing, whatever....the list is endless. Find a couple things. One of my friends took up learning to meditate on his devastating break-up's heels. Whatever you find, throw yourself into it. Me, personally, I love dancing and music so that tends to be what I focus on. Put your energy into that, and by learning something new and bettering yourself, you will increase self-esteem and just be happier overall. I also re-invested in making friends, which really helps when feeling lonely; you end up with great people you enjoy to go to dinner with or watch a movie with - the vacuum of the lost SO is filled with other people you can laugh with. Just stop focusing on missing out on that ONE person, or the intimate times (FWBs are great, just saying), or take that time to write a poem or dance to a new song you found that you love. It won't happen overnight, in fact, it may even take a couple months; but this method works. Which, I think, is the basis for the NC advice; it forces you to do other things with that time and energy. I also bought some workout DVDs - Insanity and Turbofire. Gets rid of the anger/stress when in that phase, and I have a fantastically fitter body to boot!
Bristolius Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 ... ...The wise men of the past (Nietzche, Rosseau, Ovid, Casanova, among others) knew everything there was to know about "game" and gender dynamics. We are fools for believing that this is new. The idea in the OP is perfectly consistent with the ideas of Schopenhauer. No desire = no pain.
Author Necris Posted January 1, 2013 Author Posted January 1, 2013 So, I am not sure I agree with where this advice is coming from, nor necessarily believe the OP to truly want to not care; I actually agree with this advice. I realize that for a woman, it is probably easier, but here is my take on how to "not care" (gleaned from living a life of *mostly* not caring - soemhow after my break up I REALLY cared and thought I needed a new man asap. Ridiculous) Anyway, the trick, imo, is to fill that vacuum. I see people wanting so much for this thing they lack (relationship) that it becomes almost an obsession. THey focus so much on what they don't have instead of focusing on what they do: friends, family, job, hobbies, passions. So, fill that void; nature abhors a vacuum, so fill it up. If you just broke up, filling the vacuum will help you get over it over time (still be painful), and if you just long for a special someone, fill that emptiness by taking up a new skill, learning something, or re-investing in a hobby you used to have. It can be anything: exercise, martial arts, dancing, writing, drawing, learning a new language, practicing an old language you used to know, cooking, sewing, knitting, baking, reading, rock climbing, whatever....the list is endless. Find a couple things. One of my friends took up learning to meditate on his devastating break-up's heels. Whatever you find, throw yourself into it. Me, personally, I love dancing and music so that tends to be what I focus on. Put your energy into that, and by learning something new and bettering yourself, you will increase self-esteem and just be happier overall. I also re-invested in making friends, which really helps when feeling lonely; you end up with great people you enjoy to go to dinner with or watch a movie with - the vacuum of the lost SO is filled with other people you can laugh with. Just stop focusing on missing out on that ONE person, or the intimate times (FWBs are great, just saying), or take that time to write a poem or dance to a new song you found that you love. It won't happen overnight, in fact, it may even take a couple months; but this method works. Which, I think, is the basis for the NC advice; it forces you to do other things with that time and energy. I also bought some workout DVDs - Insanity and Turbofire. Gets rid of the anger/stress when in that phase, and I have a fantastically fitter body to boot! So you stop caring about dating guys and focused on something else, and felt better am I correct?
ChessPieceFace Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 The biggest issue is people who like to spend their time alone in their room playing computer games. They argue they can't meet women if they do what they like - i.e. stay alone in their room - so what are they supposed to do? To those people I would ask: what would you do if you had a girlfriend? Do you plan that she should sit next to you in your room whilst you play computer games? If so, you need to find people who like sitting in bedrooms playing computer games - which I guess means spending a lot of time online on games forums, chatting to the girls on there. It doesn't mean going to bars to find girls who like socialising. If, when you have a girlfriend, you're planing on going out, exploring the world, whatever, what are you waiting for? Do it now. I'm the gamer type. To the extreme. I have a few other interests but not many. Ideally I'd like to find an honorable, intelligent girl who is also into gaming. It's a lot harder than you make it out to be. Where are these supposed gaming chatrooms to meet gaming girls? Most online gaming is a sausagefest, and even when it isn't, 99% of the people on the net aren't going to be within driving distance. Seems virtually impossible to do what you are describing - pursue a gaming hobby while somehow making it into actively dating / meeting people you could date. I think the best chances for gamer types would be: A.) Getting hooked up through mutual friends B.) Dating websites, as bad as they may be C.) Socializing as much as possible within your interests, such as through in-person gaming such as board/card gaming, or maybe things like bowling etc. If I had a girl I'd need her to be into gaming, otherwise we really wouldn't have much in common.
JuneJulySeptember Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 I notice we always have threads where people like myself are struggling to get a date, can't get a girlfriend or if you're a woman can't get a boyfriend, and after thinking about it I think I have found the perfect solution. Instead of wasting money on PUA techniques, learning mind games, and other useless things what about just learn to stop caring? When I say stop caring I'm not advocating mind games where you fake disinterest to make yourself look attractive. I'm not advocating to quit trying to date and just get prostitutes. Instead just learn to stop caring about sex, dating, relationships, etc. Stop thinking about all of it and instead just use that energy for something more productive. I'm also not going to lie and say by not caring you'll eventually attract the ladies, in all likelihood that probably won't happen. Fortunately however if you do not care at all about dating, sex, and relationships that won't bother you, just let everyone else worry about such matters while you pursue something else. Unfortunately I don't really have any advice on how to actually stop caring, I'll leave that to you. The very first thing you can do is probably stop posting and reading relationship forums if it bothers you. Seeing how easy it is for others to attract people when you can attract nobody after trying so hard for years is a killer.
ChessPieceFace Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 The idea in the OP is perfectly consistent with the ideas of Schopenhauer. No desire = no pain. What's the point of life without desire?
RogerWallace111 Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 Not really so easy for me. I can deal with the being alone part on a mental level, but emotionally... I have a really big heart and I have a lot of love and affection to give, but no where for it to go. THAT is my hardest part, Is I have no one to flatter, compliment, talk to etc. word .........!
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