My gf broke up with me and I feel like I shud have dumped her:)

[Doicare]

Hi will try to make this short. I'm sitting in my gfs place in Europe, I'm just here for three weeks to spend Christmas with her. We see each other quite a lot even with the distance.

 

Anyhow, we've dating almost 3years. She's always played hard to get, but there are glimpses of her super insecurity and moments where she shows me she cares deeply for me. In those 3 years were always fighting, she often criticizes me for little things like my clothes, and she accuses me of lying when I'm telling the truth, she's accused me of being an alcoholic (trust me I'm definitely not), she hardly wants to have sex and when we do it's super all abt her. The past few months all she does is bring up horrible memories, and how badly I treat her. I have gotten upset at her, but pretty much just for treating me like crap. She always turns the fault onto me even when she's being super mean to me and gets super cold. Anyhow she was acting super annoying the other day and I said 'who f'in cares' we get into a small fight and the next day she said I should fix my brain and unloaded on me for abt 10 mins abt how she was scared of me and she refused to be treated that way and she wants to break up. I don't hit or insult my gf, and I've never done anything but firmly ask her to be nicer to me or stood by my convictions.

 

So its been five years days since her break up, we still sleep in the same bed, and we do tons of fun things together, though she doesn't respond to my hugs or apologies, tells me to respect her space and she says she can only offer me friendship and that I'm one of her best friends..... But for now she doesn't want to date me. I know she doesn't want me to go either. When I ask her if that means I should move on, she says I'm a grown man and should make up my mind.... I mean if she broke up with me, shouldn't she at least say yes or no.... Personally I still deeply care about her, but I'm not interested in sitting in limbo as punishment. I've apologized to her and have been bending over backwards for her the past 5days and I'm still in the doghouse. I want her back, and but I also want someone special in my life, and if she doesn't want to be her, I want to find that great girl who does. Will she always be this way? I can only be so nice for so long while she's constantly freaking out at me. I get she's angry, and but please throw me a bone or something. This grey zone Sucks..... Btw I know she really cares abt me and if I go nc, she'll either get super pissed or completely melt down.

 

Do u guys have any thoughts/suggestions please:)??

[OJ loved Nicole]

In those 3 years were always fighting, she often criticizes me for little things like my clothes, and she accuses me of lying when I'm telling the truth, she's accused me of being an alcoholic (trust me I'm definitely not), she hardly wants to have sex and when we do it's super all abt her. The past few months all she does is bring up horrible memories, and how badly I treat her. I have gotten upset at her, but pretty much just for treating me like crap. She always turns the fault onto me even when she's being super mean to me and gets super cold.

 

Anyhow she was acting super annoying the other day and I said 'who f'in cares' (then) I've apologized to her and have been bending over backwards for her the past 5days and I'm still in the doghouse.

 

Do u guys have any thoughts/suggestions please??

 

Yes, but you're not gonna like it....

 

If I punched you in the face would you apologize to me? Of course not!!!

 

Firstly you've thoroughly messed this relationship up, you didn't know better, but you have. Healthy men don't tolerate and punish bad behavior. Yes, she's a uber b*tch, but you've taught her "that's ok". You are (and have been) rewarding her negative behavior. Every time she treats you badly and you don't punish her for it, she sees her behavior as acceptable. Bad behavior should be punished.

 

"What happens when you don't punish bad behavior" you ask... I'll tell you. Women want MEN, a mans man, a leader, someone to protect them and give them support. Each time she treats you badly, pushes your boundries, puts you down, she loses respect for you. "How can he protect me when he can't even stick up for himself?". You start turning into a little puppy dog, and women don't wan to marry, date, or F the brains out of a puppy dog.

 

Building a healthy relationship from this mess I think is too far gone. All you'll be doing is subjecting yourself to harsh treatment (which you allowed before) that nobody deserves. For right now get far away from her, tell her "I refuse to be treated this way" and just leave.

[Sugarkane]

This is why everyone should go NC- you don't get used for years for just sex and nothing more.

[crashvector]

She's toying with you.

 

Nothing else needs to be said i don't think.

[iBerry]

This grey zone Sucks..... Btw I know she really cares abt me and if I go nc, she'll either get super pissed or completely melt down.

 

Of course she'll be pissed. She wont have her puppy there to plead with her and do whatever she wants.

 

OJStillLoves said it the best. You teach people how to treat you and you basically have taught her that she can treat you like crap and you'll still stick around.

 

Please find someone who will be nicer to you. There are plenty women out there that would love to treat you good if you just give yourself a chance.

[Doicare]

Thanks for the replies everyone!

 

Thats the thing, ive never stood up for her bs. I consider myself attractive, fairly successful, super kind and sensitive to a big extent, yet still while being confident and self respecting .Ive told her that i won't accept her behavior, she just always turns this around and tells me it's my fault or im overreacting. In all my relationships, ive always stood up for myself, except when i do in this relationship, she constructs this fantasy world where it's my fault. on top of it she just finished up her phd in psychology about a year ago, so she's excellent at manipulating people and situations. She acts super nice to everyone, except me, and its been that way since the begining, but she also tells me how much i meant to her etc etc... I honestly think she's too insecure to love me or something. Even now, after she broke up with me I tell her that I know she's angry, but it's no reason to get worked up at me for every little thing, especially when im trying to make this right. I think it's cultural or something but she makes me open the door for her and little things like that. I used to refuse and say that stuff is outdated, that I cared for her, but she has a good career, I do nice things for her (treat her to all sorts of nice restaurants and places, give her affection), but to have me wait on her every need is excessive especially if she wants to be treated like a self confident independent woman. Of course I tried it her way after so much bitchiness on her part, and her annoyance just shifted to other things about me. I really wonder if she's just unhappy and puts the blame of her unhappiness on me. Right now, Im not unhappy, im more or less in a good mood, and I know if it's not her, I'll be able to meet someone great hopefully sooner than later.

 

As for the sex, she's always said im the best she's had (unprompted), so I dont think she thinks of me as a puppy in bed, she says its more because she says she's constantly upset at me, and when she's upset she doesnt want to be intimate with me. Ive dated quite a few women, and never has this been an issue.

 

Anyhow, after writing what i did last night, Ive now gone emotionally colder. Ive seriously lost my patience for this. So Im just going to be cold (i.e. emotionally cold) but kind the rest of my time here. Already she seems to acting a lot more insecure, guess we'll see how that day unfolds with my new attitude.

 

I forgot to mention, that we still go out on dates, Ive been taking her to a few nice places which she loves, she talks about the great times we've had, and infers about the future somewhat as though im still in it.... basically she seems to have this precondition that I need to no longer ever be angry at her and not be as moody (which I admit I tend to be). But lately, my mother was just admitted to the hospital and my company is about to go bust, so im a little stressed about it and ive told her to go easy on me. i just feel like even if i do change, she'll still continue to nag me constantly, which drives me up the wall.

 

Had I not lent my place out to my friends family over christmas i would have been on a plane home days ago.

 

Any further advice is appreciated. BTW - also how do you recommend I new out her bitchy behavior? Ive gone as far as ask her if the way she's behaving is so important to end out relationship. Ive never dealt with someone so emotionally high maintenance.

 

Thanks people!

[Doicare]

Well just got thru nye. she was super thankful for taking care of her on Sunday since she was sick and kind of opened up to me about the moving to the next career step in her life(which I infer might involve her moving closer to me). Yet we did not kiss on NY countdown and while she held my hand for a fleeting second and she calls me baby from time to time, she is still acting distant. I'm still keeping a cool air abt me, and trying to be confident,it's just not always easy to maintain 24/7 as we more or less spend every waking second together. any advice to my last two posts is appreciated. Tks and cheers!

[veggirl]

She treats you like s.hit. She dumps you. So you take care of her when she is sick and you take her on dates and get excited that she sometimes calls you baby.

 

She has no respect for you because you have never demanded it and honestly it is too late for that now. This is dead in the water and has been for a long time. nothing you wrote is positive. it sounds like it's been a s.hit relationship for 3 years, for the most part.

 

Wouldn't you rather have a woman who cares for you and treats you well and is appreciative and not a total bitch to you?

 

You need to man up and figure out why you put up with such disrespect. Honestly your post was pretty sad to read, and you don't actually seem to have a problem with her s.hit, you want to find a way to fix it? Like sorry what? what did you do that needs fixing? does SHE need to do anything? or once again you'll just do it all for her?

 

They say it all the time, and it's true, women don't love men they don't respect. she has no respect for you.

[TaraMaiden]

Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah....

 

When you go home, let that be the last time you ever have anything to do with her, ever again.

Read the No Contact Link in my signature.

Star the year on a high.

 

Be 'single'.

[Doicare]

thanks for the words. I dont pine over my gf, and you're right i should find someone else who treats me better. I do however demand respect, and whenever she treats me like **** i give it right back to her. ive stood up for myself all along, and ive insisted on things to the point of breaking up with her and she's backed down. the question is do i want to be with her....? I guess Im trying the nice guy thing, because i can be really moody and ive gotten pissed at her. I just wonder if not being moody will change things.

 

I have had other gf's leave me kind of for the same/similar reasons..... It's not that I think that my current gf is perfect, I just also wonder if the reason she's really moody towards me is bc im moody towards her..... im 35 and have a string of failed relationships behind me, i think i need to understand how my actions may have possibly led to my current situation....

[OJ loved Nicole]

im 35 and have a string of failed relationships behind me, i think i need to understand how my actions may have possibly led to my current situation....

 

Google/purchase/download "Train Your Girlfriend" by Matt Huston. It will explain why all of your past relationships failed and how to make future relationships successful. You will almost pass out reading what you're doing wrong, and what it takes to keep women attracted forever.

 

This is a healthy mans book. It also helps you recognize "bad fits" and become a good ender, set clear boundries, remove the emotional link to your GF, etc.

 

Disclaimer: I have ZERO affiliation to this book. Do your research, read reviews, however you won't regret it, I've read it 2 times already...

[OJ loved Nicole]

Also, read this post "Setting The Tone" by Dr. Glover (a genius about relationships). Read some of his posts and see how you feel, you'll see the difference between healthy and unhealthy behavior (that nobody tells us while growing up). It was quite eye opening for me.

[Doicare]

thanks for the advice. im pretty decisive in my ways and feel like i set the tone well. tho my moodiness i feel ruins it.

 

so last night she was a bit more cozy with me, she slept close to me with her arm on me. we've been having a pretty good time. today she was talking about how she wants to come to my city to live. she's been much more touch feely, she playfully spanked my butt at one point last night and today said she wanted a massage tonight. I think im making headway. that said we havent hugged or kissed....