switchblue97525 Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 A year ago I met my MM at work. We got assigned to a bunch of projects and worked very well together. I fought my attraction to him but it was like the sky fell in, from the day I met him. Nothing physical, nothing romantic was ever acknowledged between us but we spent as much time as possible together during work. I knew we were making excuses to do it, I didn't care. I was married at the time to a verbally abusive guy, and deeply lonely. MM and I could talk about anything, and we did - sharing some of our most personal histories. MM has had some seriously difficult past (childhood abuse, family of origin dead from drugs, etc.). I guess I liked feeling needed. My bond with him helped me see that I was barely communicating with my own husband, that my feelings weren't safe in my marriage. I didn't leave my marriage for MM, though I'd be lying if I said I didn't have many highly unrealistic daydreams. For his part, he knew he got to a point where he was sharing more with me than his wife - so he told her so and "pushed" them into counseling. Which I thought was good. They are both deeply fundamentalist, and have the view that no matter how unhappy you are, you never divorce. I knew, and he admitted, that he looked to outside friendships for emotional intimacy on a certain level. 2 months after I separated from my husband, there came a team biz trip. His wife came - in part because she was concerned about his and my relationship. She left midway through the trip. He then got exceedingly drunk (very deliberately, IMO, as this is not usual for him), and I did too. I saw the train coming and did nothing to get off the track. I was in love with him, and hurting, and childishly didn't want to think about the next day or who else I might be hurting. We said lots of things and kissed a lot, but he "woke up" to what we were doing and ran out. He later told me how terrible he felt to have cheated on his wife, that this was all his fault, that he knew he had feelings/attraction for me, etc. He then engineered his wife finding out and confessed to her. She threw him out, but later took him back under a series of conditions, one of which is that he never speak to me again. Understandable. We've had NC (or as close as we can get, in a small department) for almost a month and half now. There are times I can barely put one foot in front of the other. I miss him so much it's a physical pain. I denied it for months, but it's clear now we had an emotional affair. Through friends, I've heard that they're not in counseling, but he's chosen to stick with the marriage, do whatever she asks, etc. They've got kids. Of course, I can't fault that. I just can't stop hurting, and I can't seem to move on, though I have better days than others. It's worse too because I can see he's in pain, he can't be around me because of how he feels. And he's right, and I know NC is what has to happen, and somehow I have to accept that this is permanent. But I'm still grieving. How the hell do I feel worse about this than ending my 15 year marriage?? What does that say about me? I guess I'm just looking to tell my story so I can move on. This is hard for me to write. But I saw a lot of courageous posts, and thought it might help. I appreciate anyone's constructive insight, words of wisdom, etc. Thanks.
OpenBook Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 How the hell do I feel worse about this than ending my 15 year marriage?? What does that say about me? Because your relationship with MM never even got off the ground, whereas you thoroughly know your H warts and all after 15 years married to him. You never had a chance to see MM's warts. And he has them!! Everybody does. You're trying to let go of a beautiful hopeful dream. It's hard to let go of something so beautiful... especially when there's no reality associated to it that could help you stay grounded. And the answer to your second question: It says you're human. Recognize that you're going through some very profound upheavals in your life right now. You'll need to keep your wits about you to navigate through it all successfully. This may be the hardest thing you'll ever do, just getting through it. I'd say it's definitely no time to get involved with anyone romantically - and especially steer clear of MM. But it's your call. It's all your call. 1
Author switchblue97525 Posted December 31, 2012 Author Posted December 31, 2012 Thanks. You're right. I appreciate your kindness in how you said it, too. I'm grieving a dream, but that is all it was - a dream. I think I needed it to have the strength to walk out on H, given some of our issues, but now I need to let it go so I can strong in reality. Through. Just have to get through.
Tenacity Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 A year ago I met my MM at work. We got assigned to a bunch of projects and worked very well together. I fought my attraction to him but it was like the sky fell in, from the day I met him. Nothing physical, nothing romantic was ever acknowledged between us but we spent as much time as possible together during work. I knew we were making excuses to do it, I didn't care. I was married at the time to a verbally abusive guy, and deeply lonely. MM and I could talk about anything, and we did - sharing some of our most personal histories. MM has had some seriously difficult past (childhood abuse, family of origin dead from drugs, etc.). I guess I liked feeling needed. My bond with him helped me see that I was barely communicating with my own husband, that my feelings weren't safe in my marriage. I didn't leave my marriage for MM, though I'd be lying if I said I didn't have many highly unrealistic daydreams. For his part, he knew he got to a point where he was sharing more with me than his wife - so he told her so and "pushed" them into counseling. Which I thought was good. They are both deeply fundamentalist, and have the view that no matter how unhappy you are, you never divorce. I knew, and he admitted, that he looked to outside friendships for emotional intimacy on a certain level. 2 months after I separated from my husband, there came a team biz trip. His wife came - in part because she was concerned about his and my relationship. She left midway through the trip. He then got exceedingly drunk (very deliberately, IMO, as this is not usual for him), and I did too. I saw the train coming and did nothing to get off the track. I was in love with him, and hurting, and childishly didn't want to think about the next day or who else I might be hurting. We said lots of things and kissed a lot, but he "woke up" to what we were doing and ran out. He later told me how terrible he felt to have cheated on his wife, that this was all his fault, that he knew he had feelings/attraction for me, etc. He then engineered his wife finding out and confessed to her. She threw him out, but later took him back under a series of conditions, one of which is that he never speak to me again. Understandable. We've had NC (or as close as we can get, in a small department) for almost a month and half now. There are times I can barely put one foot in front of the other. I miss him so much it's a physical pain. I denied it for months, but it's clear now we had an emotional affair. Through friends, I've heard that they're not in counseling, but he's chosen to stick with the marriage, do whatever she asks, etc. They've got kids. Of course, I can't fault that. I just can't stop hurting, and I can't seem to move on, though I have better days than others. It's worse too because I can see he's in pain, he can't be around me because of how he feels. And he's right, and I know NC is what has to happen, and somehow I have to accept that this is permanent. But I'm still grieving. How the hell do I feel worse about this than ending my 15 year marriage?? What does that say about me? I guess I'm just looking to tell my story so I can move on. This is hard for me to write. But I saw a lot of courageous posts, and thought it might help. I appreciate anyone's constructive insight, words of wisdom, etc. Thanks. You could be me. You are doing the right thing. Please know that I understand how much this hurts you. I understand how it feels worse than ending a 15 year marriage. Totally. I understand the religious issue too. You are doing the only thing you can.
FightClub Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 (edited) Hey switchblue97525, I can understand the feeling of letting go of the fantasy, been there as a single exOM with a MW once and it's tough to let that go, not mention also letting go of a long marriage must be equally tough at home. As time goes on you'll feel better but it's not something you can force, it just has to happen over time. Here's the thing that really clicks inside though, even though there are things in this life that end, whether it's forced or is time to end, this too shall pass, change is constant and time is infinite. Everything you experience in life happens for a reason, it will throw you for a loop, especially being involved in a affair. But once you find clarity, possibly consider counseling to work with someone to express how you feel and I highly recommend you search through the various sides of the affair forums to see other peoples experiences, there are a wealth of people and knowledge here of people who have gone through the fire and eventually wound up closer to a healthier and happier life after doing the heavy lifting to pick themselves up again. Work through this, ask questions of yourself and everyone here and things will turn out okay in the end! -FC Edited December 31, 2012 by FightClub
kamani Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 Working together, seeing him everyday you are not going to stop getting hurt. It increases the risk of the two of you getting emotionally boded, even stronger than before, whenever you speak. Changing jobs, getting a transfer is going to be the only permanant solution IMO. 1
Sparkly24 Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 I would think that working together and still seeing him every day makes things feel like it all never happened in one way, because its all been reverted back to how things were before you started, and at the same time is a constant reminder of what happened. Whenever I get my heart broken I have to just cut everything about them out of my life, delete the number, delete the texts and the emails, wipe it all away. Then I have to go through a slightly destructive phase, of eating lots of pizza, drinking lots of wine, smoking, spending too much money shopping, anything to just numb the pain and give me that high I would get when I was involved with that person. Then after about a week of that, I would start to ease off and just cost through things, and be more reflective, give myself a bit of love with a manicure or a new book to get stuck into etc. And then over time you just move on. But that would never ever happen if I had to see that person every day, it must be very hard for you. But then moving jobs is also very stressful and might be too much for you. I would suggest taking some time out of work for a while, maybe take off a few weeks and go on a nice trip with a girlfriend or something, just to get that space and perspective. Or ask for a transfer. Or tell him he has to move jobs. Im sure you could find something to use against him as blackmail??
Author switchblue97525 Posted January 1, 2013 Author Posted January 1, 2013 I would think that working together and still seeing him every day makes things feel like it all never happened in one way, because its all been reverted back to how things were before you started, and at the same time is a constant reminder of what happened. ] So very true. We've done all we can to minimize contact, and have a mutual friend that helps with that, actually. But still. Both of us are looking at transfers, but unfortunately - no real prospects at the moment. But yeah - it extends the hurt, and the mental sickness of constantly monitoring my own thoughts for false hope (less likely to happen if I never saw him)>
Author switchblue97525 Posted January 2, 2013 Author Posted January 2, 2013 Thanks, Tenacity. It helps to know I'm not alone in having gone through this. I was lucky to stumble across this forum.
Author switchblue97525 Posted January 2, 2013 Author Posted January 2, 2013 I would think that working together and still seeing him every day makes things feel like it all never happened in one way, because its all been reverted back to how things were before you started, and at the same time is a constant reminder of what happened. Yes, you're right. It's just that - right now- there aren't any other immediate options. The holiday break has been helpful - 3 weeks with no contact, not at work, etc. Hopeful I can keep what little peace I gained once I go back and he's there (in a week).
Author switchblue97525 Posted January 17, 2013 Author Posted January 17, 2013 So...after nearly 2 months of NC (not easy to do when our offices are one door apart), MM came to my office to say that he wanted me to know this is all his fault, that our NC isn't because he has bad feelings for me, that in fact it's the opposite, etc. etc. He said he hoped we could be cordial/friendly at work (up until then we never spoke AT ALL and avoided each other) at least, because he didn't think I should have to be uncomfortable coming to work. We talked some more about what happened, he said he's 'on the road to recovery' with his wife, and is glad we didn't go too far (I guess he meant that if we'd slept together, his wife wouldn't/couldn't forgive that, not sure). But he also reiterated how close he is to me, that outside of his wife there isn't anyone he's more emotionally intimate with. He wishes he could take back what happened, so that we could still keep our relationship. And he may have to accept that he can't ever get from his wife what he gets from me. He said that he hadn't been honest with her before - she thought I had feelings for him over the past year but that the feelings were unreciprocated, and he has since confessed that this wasn't true. Anyway, it feels like closure, but then again it doesn't. He's not supposed to talk to me outside of work-issues, but he does. He IM'd me today (about social stuff going on at work). It's clear he misses me, misses our bond, etc. and it's also clear he knows that we have isn't platonic -even if we are never physical again (nor should we be). To be honest, it feels great to have even a little contact again, but he does trigger all my feelings and attraction again. I feel like it's a matter of time before he's right back to where he was with me - hours of coffee dates, really personal convo's, etc. Half of me knows I should slam the door on this, but the other half wants to see what happens. I'll never get physical with him again unless he's single, but....crap. Maybe I'll just make sure I'm not changing anything I do at work to gain time/attention from him, pursue outside interests, etc. I don't think I can tell him to go away. I don't have it in me.
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