dreamer717 Posted August 17, 2004 Posted August 17, 2004 [font=arial][/font][color=darkblue][/color]Hi everyone:) I am brand new to this forum...I was actually looking to see if there was some sort of advice forum online and there IS!! YAY!! I need some advice. I have a friend who at one time used to work with me--I am self-employed, and he did quite a lot of heavy promotion for my business in his town as well as in mine...at the time we lived in different towns but his full-time job was in the town I lived in. Due to the nature of my business and his job, we had nearly daily contact, which is how we became friends. Throughout our friendship, which was and is totally platonic, there was a lot of sexual undertones, and what I mean by that is NOTHING suggestive was ever said, it was mostly in actions and body language. I am married and he had a somewhat-girlfriend that lived in yet another town. The whole friendship was weird...he would be distant with me one day and then looking for me the next. I never knew what to expect with him, but I did know that we were becoming quite close friends. We talked on the phone often and he told me things about his life that a person just *does not* tell just ANYBODY (you'd think, anyway). This went on for a very long time...and then my husband and I moved to another town. My friend then started dating the out-of-town girl very seriously. We talked a few times here and there but when we did he was very distant and after awhile I just didn't bother anymore. Hubby and I moved again a couple months later to be closer to hubby's job--we found a house for rent that was less than 5 minutes from it. Now, we are in the same town that my friend lived in. Ran into him twice at Wal-Mart and talked for a bit, but nothing major. Told him to come by the house and visit sometime, but he never did. Then one day, I received a wedding invitation in the mail from my friend. He was getting married very suddenly and moving to the town he works in. He had told me before that he would never move to that town because he was not crazy about either the town or the people in it, and that he wanted to stay where he was (where I am now) because his son lives here, and that he would never leave his son because his father had left him when he was a baby. We have some mutual friends--since he told a bunch of people here about me and my business way back when--and from them I heard that he had not even told his child that he was getting married. The whole thing seemed fishy to me so I tried to get a hold of him before the wedding and was unsuccessful. No surprise there since there was only a week between announcement and wedding. About a month after the wedding, I run into my friend and his son at a local park. We had a really long talk....I asked him what was going on, if his new wife was pregnant or something (lol!) and if he was truly happy. He said he was...but it didn't ring true to me. He said he felt like the Lord had brought them together, yet he also mentioned that she had serious jealousy issues and that was the reason that he had moved from this town-his new wife doesn't want him to have contact with any females at all unless she supervises it. He is not even that type of guy--not at all, so I thought that very odd. He said that she has some issues and is taking various antidepressants but he is taking care of her. I was like.."what??!!" of course I didn't SAY that but I wanted to. I made a HUGE effort not to say anything disparaging at all..I wished him luck and told him that if he ever needed a friend to remember that I am here all the time and would always be one. I didn't tell him that I thought he was a total moron headed for trouble, LOL, even though that's what I was thinking. However, I think he picked up on the non-verbal. He left quickly at that point. It's now 2 months later. I just found out that my friend has FINALLY gotten the job transfer that he put in for FIVE YEARS AGO to work in THIS town! This means that I will once again be in almost daily contact with him. I am worried and don't know how to act. This was actually a PLATONIC friendship that didn't really feel like one, and is now almost 3 years running. Should I try to continue the friendship? I guess I'm just really looking for insight...I have never known what to make of our friendship because it was really weird--super-tight one day and not even talking the next. When we did talk it was very personal things. What was going on? What do I do? Am I totally whacked? LOL!
Moose Posted August 17, 2004 Posted August 17, 2004 I think you may be reading more into this than you should. You may find this strange but I've seen it before. I'll use my Brother in law as an example. He used to date this really ambitious, self driven, great looking gal for the longest time. She was very independent and had a great head on her shoulders. For the longest time it looked as though they were going to be a permanent fixture. After a while and after careful consideration, they called the whole thing off. Most of it was due to her ability to handle everything from emotional problems to even replacing starters in her own car. He wanted someone to take care of. Not someone who really didn't need his help at all. He found just the woman he wanted. Now, I don't know if he's kicking himself in the rear or what. But, the he's confused and not sure about a whole lot at this point. I think your friend is experiencing the same emotions. All I can suggest is to be that friend you told him you would be. Listen to him when he needs it. But please be very careful not to let your own feelings jeopardize his marriage. Then you would ruin the friendship and I'm sure that's not what you really want. Who knows, with patience, you two may wind up together. Just don't paint that picture until you know for sure it'll happen. Again, please don't do anything to break up his current marriage. Good Luck Moose
morrigan Posted August 17, 2004 Posted August 17, 2004 I agree with what Moose said--be a friend and that is all. Whatever your personal feelings for this man, you are both currently married. If this man is unhappy in his marriage, that is a private matter he is going to have to concern himself with--I'd suggest not getting involved. You don't know at this time if your old friend will want to resume the friendship as much as he did in the past, especially now that he is married. If you continue to feel uncomfortable around him, or if you feel that continuing the friendship may lead to problems in your marriage, it may be better to back off and only talk to him socially.
Author dreamer717 Posted August 17, 2004 Author Posted August 17, 2004 I actually do talk to him only socially--only if we run into each other somewhere. I have NO desire to break up his marriage, it's not like that at all. And I certainly don't want to break up mine. I will just continue to be the friend that I said I would be. I am pretty sure that he knows that. It has been almost a year since we had daily contact due to business...and now it looks like we will be in that situation once again, and I worry about it a bit. I don't know why:(
Recommended Posts