Spark1111 Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 Never tell anyone. People judge you. It will get back to your wife, which I know you don't want. Just do this, from today forward, just be the best person you can be. You have a fresh start. Stop wasting your life. I know, I've been there. Cali, excuse me for not knowing your back story. men tell no one, but almost every single OW tells at least one or two people.
Author shame_on_me Posted January 4, 2013 Author Posted January 4, 2013 Fell off the wagon? Your OW has a drinking problem?????? No she doesnt or didnt anyway, maybe she just overindulged over the festive period, i heard she had to be carried home by her friends on a few occasions last couple of weeks. Yes Cali thats what i am going to do, 2013 new start and time to start acting my age, we are off to New York in a couple of days so this is where it all begins.
2sunny Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 Cali, excuse me for not knowing your back story. men tell no one, but almost every single OW tells at least one or two people. Men tell too... Don't kid yourself . 1
Author shame_on_me Posted January 4, 2013 Author Posted January 4, 2013 AND how and who are you hearing these reports from? NC is NC, not soliciting nor hearing things through the grape vine. I heard them from my friend he was out over the festive period himself and noticed her unusual behaviour. I decided not to go out again after my incident and i am trying everything to remain in nc with her - i have had none since that night she slapped me.
BetrayedH Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 No she doesnt or didnt anyway, maybe she just overindulged over the festive period, i heard she had to be carried home by her friends on a few occasions last couple of weeks. Yes Cali thats what i am going to do, 2013 new start and time to start acting my age, we are off to New York in a couple of days so this is where it all begins. She's going to look back on this shopping trip with much anger about the cowardly way you are trying to make it up to her. I see all the clothes going up in a bonfire. 1
Spark1111 Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 No she doesnt or didnt anyway, maybe she just overindulged over the festive period, i heard she had to be carried home by her friends on a few occasions last couple of weeks. Yes Cali thats what i am going to do, 2013 new start and time to start acting my age, we are off to New York in a couple of days so this is where it all begins. Well, then I think you are even more at risk with a fOW getting sloshed all over town. She may TELL someone. You have an opportunity here, for maybe a very short time to confess. OR, you can come home and discover, with your wife, that many people already know or are whispering about it. Your wife's humiliation just grew exponentially by the tenth power.
Realist3 Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 Just think if you had just waited until February or March. I think you acted prematurely in this deal over adice from this forum. I'm not discounting that advice, just something you should have pondered further. You love the OW. That is not going away.
Got it Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 Shame, okay my thoughts as a FOW. You know that right now this all is a gamble right? You may be able to move forward and your wife never finds out, you never touch a toe over the line again, etc. (Maybe and a definite gamble) Or your wife finds out a week, month, year, decade from now. From someone else. What will you say then? What will you say on why you never told her? If were going to divorce, and were separating now, I wouldn't say you need to say anything. End the marriage and move forward. But if you are staying in the marriage you have to figure out why you were in this situation, how to put forth a different pattern if it pops up again, and why you went down this road, a road you are saying you are never going to go down again. A good book to read is "Why Good People have Affairs". Listen, you know in business and in war, the best defense is a good offense. You know that it is better to be the one being proactive with information than the one reactive on information. You are afraid. Okay what are you afraid of? Why are you afraid of it? And how is not telling helping that fear? Look at the positives if you were to tell your wife now. You have ended things. You are in therapy You are . . . . (what else are you doing to never have this happen again?) It is your choice to gamble this information, but be prepared if the cat does get out of the bag. You won't have the few brownie points for actually coming forward. I am sorry you are scared, I know the idea of seeing the look on your wife's face when it registers is probably giving you nightmares, but imagine that look when someone else tells her and you aren't around to catch her when she falls? Since you are starting therapy, maybe use the therapist to address things with your wife. It will be in a safe place, with a professional, to help with the conveyance of information and give your wife an immediate support system. 1
veryhappy Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 Of course loving her will go away. It's just silly dopamine causing him to be addicted. It's well known the "just say no" attitude to drugs is succesful. He'll just will through being the husband he thinks he should be...fail, and it will fall apart in self-destructive behavior or telling his W. If the W doesn't hear through the grape vine and throws him into the washing machine first. shame, keep NC with the OW. Glad to see your effect on her. Leave the woman alone to deal with her pain and you do whatever you want to do with your life.
Spark1111 Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 Of course loving her will go away. It's just silly dopamine causing him to be addicted. It's well known the "just say no" attitude to drugs is succesful. He'll just will through being the husband he thinks he should be...fail, and it will fall apart in self-destructive behavior or telling his W. If the W doesn't hear through the grape vine and throws him into the washing machine first. shame, keep NC with the OW. Glad to see your effect on her. Leave the woman alone to deal with her pain and you do whatever you want to do with your life. I'm not sure what the advice is here. Tell the wife? Not tell the wife? Love the OW and leave the wife? Stay with the wife and go NC with the OW? It's already falling apart in self-destructive behavior, for shame, his OW and I suspect, soon enough, his unsuspecting wife.
bentnotbroken Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 My trusted friend has been a very close friend since we were boys, I trust him 100% he will not tell a soul we have confided in each other over the years. This is not the point tho, im beginning to realise the mess i have created and im very ashamed of myself. Just to let you know how much of a b*stard i really am i have been hearing reports that my ow has gone of the wagon over the christmas period. I hope she is ok and i know it is because of me, but i will not contact her however much i want to. I didnt want her to hate me but i guess thats inevitable. My focus now is my family and my wife they deserve the man back who i used to be and i will be him again! Whether you focus on your family or not...you will never be the man you used to be. You can't turn the clock back and undo anything. When your wife finds out...she will not only see you differently, she will see herself differently. Those are things people tried to tell you...yet you were hell bent on doing exactly what you did. No going back...ever. 2
Steen719 Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 Whether you focus on your family or not...you will never be the man you used to be. You can't turn the clock back and undo anything. When your wife finds out...she will not only see you differently, she will see herself differently. Those are things people tried to tell you...yet you were hell bent on doing exactly what you did. No going back...ever. While many may not have had a similar experience, I would say this (the bolded) was the worst thing for me, while seeing his dad differently was the worst thing for my son. I fear that I will never feel the same about myself (I mean - give all you can and it not be good enough - I know the thoughts behind the cheater making the choice, etc., but I am being honest here) and I also fear that my son will never again feel the way he used to about his father. It is sad, really, and you are so right, bent. There is no going back. No matter how hard I try to understand this, the dishonesty people engage in and justify is too difficult to reconcile with the ruins of their loved one's lives.
veryhappy Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 I'm not sure what the advice is here. Tell the wife? Not tell the wife? Love the OW and leave the wife? Stay with the wife and go NC with the OW? It's already falling apart in self-destructive behavior, for shame, his OW and I suspect, soon enough, his unsuspecting wife. My reply was a response to this You love the OW. That is not going away. but it's difficult editing quotes on the phone, so I just hoped I would get to post right after that message. As to clarify my advice, I have consistently told him to leave the OW alone. He's made his decision to stay M, so why would I advise him to be with his OW? He knows what he wants.He dumped the other woman to commit to the M. The only thing I commented on about telling or not telling was based on the fact that they've been the only partner in each other's lives and based on that I advised to not tell. I'm very much uninterested about what happens on the M side, as cold as that sounds. My support on this forum is as a fOW to OW/fOW and my main idea to him was to leave his fOW alone( which he couldn't do). For the rest he has enough people to give him plenty of advice.
Steadfast Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 You can't turn the clock back and undo anything. When your wife finds out...she will not only see you differently, she will see herself differently. Those are things people tried to tell you...yet you were hell bent on doing exactly what you did. No going back...ever. This is the hard reality no cheater wants to talk about. Ever wonder why people beg, plead and nearly come unglued trying to stop this stuff before it happens? Most cheaters think they're trying to rob them of happiness. Honesty benefits the cheater most. But they almost never buy it. If the wife is told, it will devastate her emotionally and rip away her innocence. If not (and when she finds out) the above will happen then the problem will be compounded by subjecting her to heartless humiliation. How many have begged this poster to cut these losses? He won't. He's only concerned with himself, making him not just a cheater, but a hypocrite. 2
Author shame_on_me Posted January 5, 2013 Author Posted January 5, 2013 Alice u are very wrong yet again in ur assumptions but at least ur not making things up this time to suit yourself. Last time I think I rushed into decision making without really thinking things through. It's over I will not go back its my wife or her and I am not leaving my wife, end of. As for my threads I will stop posting as im now being accused of making this up or I'm an attention seeker, I came here for some advice and to read up on other people's opinions and found myself being more honest about my affair than I was in my own head. So I thank you readers of LS for your support and advice it was very much appreciated.
BetrayedH Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 I never understand the threat to stop posting. I don't have a dog in your fight, Shame. My heart is not broken that you will not be here. We will still be here and will just now be helping other people that need it instead of you. Your loss. Don't like Alice? Don't listen to her. But I think it would be wise for you to acknowledge that she wasn't wrong on her last two predictions. You had your goodbye sex and you did break no contact. The fact remains that you still haven't taken the one critical step of coming clean with your wife. Your lack of courage in doing so doesn't change the fact that you should be called out on it. Run away from here if you want but you're not punishing anyone but your wife in doing so. Good luck buying your way out of your guilt with this shopping trip. 9
Bittersweetie Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 Alice u are very wrong yet again in ur assumptions but at least ur not making things up this time to suit yourself. From your perspective, Alice may be making assumptions...but the reality is, some of us have spent a long time on these boards and read a lot of stories, and her assumptions are actual things we've read over and over and over again. I'm sorry that you don't feel you're getting the help you need form this board...there's a lot of people here who have made some valid points trying to help you move forward. But, as a former WS, I know that sometimes one can't see or hear those points until one is ready to see and hear them. I just hope that's soon for you. 6
whichwayisup Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 Alice u are very wrong yet again in ur assumptions but at least ur not making things up this time to suit yourself. Last time I think I rushed into decision making without really thinking things through. It's over I will not go back its my wife or her and I am not leaving my wife, end of. As for my threads I will stop posting as im now being accused of making this up or I'm an attention seeker, I came here for some advice and to read up on other people's opinions and found myself being more honest about my affair than I was in my own head. So I thank you readers of LS for your support and advice it was very much appreciated. Do not leave. IGNORE posters who are picking at you. Focus on the helpful words of advice. There is an ignore funtion in your profile.. Please reconsider staying.
dreamingoftigers Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 JamesM, This is really beautiful. Thank you for posting it. Your wife is a very fortunate woman. And you a fortunate man. I have and am looking in the same mirror of life. My hair is gone on the top of my head. Once every hair dresser I met loved to run her fingers through my abundant locks. (I loved getting a new hair dresser every few months for a new ego stroke. Seriously. Baldness is my punishment. ) My face has more wrinkles. My cheeks sag a little. And those young girls call me sir as if I am their dad. I can see how I would be thrilled and excited if one of those young ladies began complimenting me on my mature handsome looks and if they kept telling me how bald is beautiful. I would love it. Yet nothing would have changed except that my ego was stroked. I am no younger. My hair is still gone, and my wrinkles remain. Thankfully, my wife does tell me that I look better now than I did ten years ago. My wife says that my fashion tastes are excellent and I dress well. She loves that I am now wiser and more mature looking. BUT...the reverse is true. I have no doubt that sometimes she wrestles with the same things. While I see her as maturing with more beauty than she had as a young lady, she sees her own vision in her mirror. She sees the extra wrinkles and sagging boobs. She sees the extra weight on her hips. And she loves it that I still see her as my beautiful bride. She responds to my compliments with radiant smiles and hugs. She kisses me and tells me that I am the most wonderful man in her world. (Serious...she just posted this on FB for my birthday wishes! ) My point is...your marriage is what you make it. While I understand why you chose this woman for an affair and how you find it difficult to leave her, I think you need to realize that if you do love your wife, then you need to begin courting her all over again. She needs to know that you find her beautiful. Your goal is not more sex but simply a way to show your love. The worst that can happen is that you gain nothing. The best is that you gain everything. It is a risk. However, it is much less of a risk than if you keep turning your attention to this OW. Your wife will probably respond with all of her love and affection. This OW can only give you part of hers...and it will not be a completely honest attention. Again, choose this day whom you will love. And then move forward to the goal of a happy life. To quote the late (and much admired by me) Zig Ziglar, "If you treat your wife like a thoroughbred, then you will never end up with a nag." And.... "You can have everything in life you want, if you will just help other people get what they want." (Other people here is your wife). Now go do the right thing...whatever that is. And for all of those who feel that repeated posts on threads about the same thing is a waste of time: "People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily." Read more at People often say that motivation... at BrainyQuote 1
William Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 Posters who find their posts missing may wish to read this thread Stage Three
cocorico Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 Shame, professionals are split on whether or not to 'fess up to the BS after an A. Many fWS go on to recover their M successfully by dealing with their issues in IC, or confronting issues with the M in MC, or both, if they are really committed to doing so. However two things concern me in your situation: that your BW saw you lusting after the OW at the party (and the condition you came home in afterward); and that you kissed the OW where you could have been seen, as well as telling a friend. This means that your BW has enough evidence to raise her suspicions, and that the evidence is freely available if she chooses to go looking. Is your BW stupid? Is she the kind of woman who can simply be distracted when you flex your credit card? If so, perhaps you can get away with treating her like a small child that you can indulge and patronise, but then you need to accept that she can never be a true partner to you, because you will always be patronising her and making decisions on her behalf about what is or is not best for her. That may work for you, but then you need to be honest and admit that while you may love her, you do not fully respect her. Not as a partner, not as an equal. If she is not stupid, then you are taking a very big risk. What is your long term plan on this? Are you going to pretend to everyone that it simply didn't happen, or are you extending the dishonesty to only your BW? How far are you prepared to go with the lie? If asked honestly whether there was anything between you and OW, would you admit it or lie? And, to whom? Would you confess to your BW if she asked you straight out? If you found out your friend that you confided in had told her, would you still lie? If your OW's BH found out and told her, would you lie? If your OW told her, would you lie? You may say none of that would ever happen but the truth is you don't know and have no control. Just as you told a friend, your OW may have too. She's been behaving out of character with her drinking, who knows how far that "out of character" went. You need to be realistic and accept that you can't know what will happen, that you have no control, and consider various scenarios and decide what you will do. Or take control by telling your BW. 1
JamesM Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 JamesM, This is really beautiful. Thank you for posting it. Your wife is a very fortunate woman. And you a fortunate man. Thank you for your kind words. I do believe I am fortunate, and my wife has been thinking she is too lately. Having more sex in the past two months than in the past two years certainly makes me (at least) very grateful and more loving. If this continue, then I will post my own thread about why I think and know what changed our marriage. Alice u are very wrong yet again in ur assumptions but at least ur not making things up this time to suit yourself. Last time I think I rushed into decision making without really thinking things through. It's over I will not go back its my wife or her and I am not leaving my wife, end of. As for my threads I will stop posting as im now being accused of making this up or I'm an attention seeker, I came here for some advice and to read up on other people's opinions and found myself being more honest about my affair than I was in my own head. So I thank you readers of LS for your support and advice it was very much appreciated. Ignore anyone who you find offensive. Truthfully, I find anyone offensive who believes they are telling the truth but at the same time they ignore the feelings of the person they are posting to. It is one thing to be candid. It is entirely another thing to type things that will knowingly hurt the person reading them. Please keep updating us here. Many of us sympathize with you and do understand the pain and confusion you have. It isn't easy to have so many conflicting emotions inside of you. Feeling compassion for your OW simply shows you are human. Feeling pain for your wife shows that you love her. And I don't find it wrong to romanticize or give cyberhugs to someone who has shown that he is far from perfect. You have made a number of mistakes (as we all have) and you are still trying to find your way. That is okay. There are many good posters on this thread who offer candid you respectful advice. This advice can be useful in getting some direction for your future. Do not quit LS, and for certain...do not give up on your marriage or yourself!
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