Got drunk, got slapped, fell down the stairs and slept in the garage.

[waterwoman]

Have you told your w yet?

 

Until that happens you are just wasting everyone's time. Sorry.

[Steadfast]

You're not a bad person, Shame. But you are making bad decisions. That ends when you decide it ends.

 

Sorry Kidd, but I have to disagree with you here. Good guys don't cheat on their wives. You are right about the decision part. He's making bad ones.

 

See...what keep everyone from doing this stupid $hit with their lives? Can you count how many times this poster has written "I know it's wrong, but..."

 

Time waster.

[JamesM]

Sorry Kidd, but I have to disagree with you here. Good guys don't cheat on their wives. You are right about the decision part. He's making bad ones.

 

Technically, good guys do cheat on their wives...but then by many definitions here, they no longer are good guys. So as long as I don't cheat on my wife I am a good guy. But when I do, I am no longer a good guy?

 

No, many good people make bad decisions. And many bad people make good decisions. The thing is when we respond to people here on LS IMO we should consider them all good guys who make bad decisions.

 

See...what keep everyone from doing this stupid $hit with their lives? Can you count how many times this poster has written "I know it's wrong, but..."

 

Having been in the position where confusion reigned in my mind and many decisions I made were in hindsight quite stupid, I understand how someone can say "I know it is wrong but..." I understand how someone can be desperately looking for the right advice while still doing stupid stuff. Sometimes the most obvious answers just don't seem to be so obvious...even when we know they are obvious.

 

Confusion and depression can cloud anyone's mind.

 

Time waster.

 

If you feel this thread is a time waster, then please feel free to no longer respond. Personally, I don't feel anyone is wasting my time if I CHOOSE to respond. I chose to waste my time through my own decision to post.

 

And if perhaps my response doesn't appear to have made an impression, then so be it. I don't know that someone who googled looking for an answer ends up finding this thread and is helped by some of the responses posted here. I found LS over seven years ago through google because someone posted about their sexless marriage, and I have found much help here. I have no doubt that many have been frustrated by my repeated threads and posts about a sexless marriage, but many of the responses have been used by me in an attempt to change it.

 

And since I now can see some changes, I would have to say thank you to all of the many who took some of their time to respond. I am grateful that they did not quit because they felt I was a waste of their time.

 

It is incredibly hard to turn off feelings for someone even when we know they are wrong. It is an addiction to the excitement rather than the actual person in many cases, but nonetheless they are real feelings. To expect the OP to say that he has forgotten this OW and suddenly has a renewed interest in his wife is ridiculous. And to expect that he would never stumble ( figuratively or literally) is ludicrous. Life is not that easy.

 

Shame, you have made another mistake. Accept it. Now you need to move forward and choose your marriage or this OW or simply a single life. Know this...you can make a few mistakes as you do move forward, but expect that there will be consequences. Ask yourself: do I want to stay married? Do I want my wife? Do I want a better marriage with my wife? And if the answer is no, then start planning on a divorce and a new life. If the answer is yes, then plan how you will rebuild your marriage and renew your love to your wife. It can be done. I know...I have done it. No, my rebuilding did not start because of an affair. It started though because of a lack of sex. Yet there are many similarities.

 

The new year has begun. Do you want it to end happily, or do you want to be moaning here on Dec 31, 2013, with a post about how you lost your wife and family during the past year? Or perhaps you would rather post about how you ended it with the OW and discovered all over again what a wonderful woman your wife is? What you don't want to post is how you discovered what a wonderful wife you HAD after she left you because of some stupid mistakes you made during 2012 and 2013 that broke her heart.

 

You decide. The future is ahead for you to make.

[Spark1111]

maybe I a growing cynical, but you seem oh so impressed that a younger woman found you attractive enough to have an affair and lots of sex with you.

 

I'm sorry, but going through a divorce with a man who has turned mean made her a damsel in distress and she chose an older, more established, kind neighbor to rescue her.

 

if I haven't read that scenario 1000 times here.....

 

it wasn't as special as you would like to remember it.

 

it was selfish, selfish, selfish.

 

She made you feel hot, younger, sexier and special.

 

I guarantee you were the kind, protective, solicitous daddy she never had.

 

Someone who TRULY loved you would NEVER have ALLOWED you to betray all you held most dear; Your wife, children, family, standing in the community; your legacy.

 

REMEMBER that.

[JamesM]

One thing I've noticed about your posts about your ow is you have said more than once that you can't believe she found you attractive.

 

To me.........that means that it's more about how she makes you feel and validation that you still had it. It's the typical middle aged stuff that men go thru, you were bored with yourself, your wife, your marriage and you felt that you were losing your attractiveness and didn't know if you still had it.

 

I have and am looking in the same mirror of life. My hair is gone on the top of my head. Once every hair dresser I met loved to run her fingers through my abundant locks. (I loved getting a new hair dresser every few months for a new ego stroke. Seriously. Baldness is my punishment. ) My face has more wrinkles. My cheeks sag a little. And those young girls call me sir as if I am their dad.

 

I can see how I would be thrilled and excited if one of those young ladies began complimenting me on my mature handsome looks and if they kept telling me how bald is beautiful. I would love it.

 

Yet nothing would have changed except that my ego was stroked. I am no younger. My hair is still gone, and my wrinkles remain.

 

Thankfully, my wife does tell me that I look better now than I did ten years ago. My wife says that my fashion tastes are excellent and I dress well. She loves that I am now wiser and more mature looking.

 

BUT...the reverse is true. I have no doubt that sometimes she wrestles with the same things. While I see her as maturing with more beauty than she had as a young lady, she sees her own vision in her mirror. She sees the extra wrinkles and sagging boobs. She sees the extra weight on her hips.

 

And she loves it that I still see her as my beautiful bride. She responds to my compliments with radiant smiles and hugs. She kisses me and tells me that I am the most wonderful man in her world. (Serious...she just posted this on FB for my birthday wishes! )

 

My point is...your marriage is what you make it. While I understand why you chose this woman for an affair and how you find it difficult to leave her, I think you need to realize that if you do love your wife, then you need to begin courting her all over again. She needs to know that you find her beautiful. Your goal is not more sex but simply a way to show your love. The worst that can happen is that you gain nothing. The best is that you gain everything. It is a risk. However, it is much less of a risk than if you keep turning your attention to this OW. Your wife will probably respond with all of her love and affection. This OW can only give you part of hers...and it will not be a completely honest attention.

 

Again, choose this day whom you will love. And then move forward to the goal of a happy life.

 

To quote the late (and much admired by me) Zig Ziglar,

"If you treat your wife like a thoroughbred, then you will never end up with a nag."

 

And....

 

"You can have everything in life you want, if you will just help other people get what they want." (Other people here is your wife).

 

 

Now go do the right thing...whatever that is.

 

 

And for all of those who feel that repeated posts on threads about the same thing is a waste of time:

 

"People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily."

 

Read more at People often say that motivation... at BrainyQuote

[waterwoman]

To quote the late (and much admired by me) Zig Ziglar,

"If you treat your wife like a thoroughbred, then you will never end up with a nag."

 

LOL! Exactly

 

I am a definitely a thoroughbred!

[BetrayedH]

Sorry Kidd, but I have to disagree with you here. Good guys don't cheat on their wives. You are right about the decision part. He's making bad ones.

 

See...what keep everyone from doing this stupid $hit with their lives? Can you count how many times this poster has written "I know it's wrong, but..."

 

Time waster.

 

I always appreciate that we can disagree agreeably.

 

You know, I've always felt that there are very few truly "bad people" in the world but instead that most people are a mixture. Maybe that's just my old naive optimism shining through.

 

One thing I do know is that saying that, "I'm a bad person" seems to be a real cop-out that just helps justify continuing the next poor decision. It somehow implies that we aren't capable of fighting fate and that some mystical force made us do a bad thing. Nonsense. The fact is that everyone is capable of making the next decision be a good one. It doesn't matter what decisions have gone before; what matters is what they are going to do NOW. Shame can either do the right thing or he can choose to do otherwise. But talking about being a good or bad person is, I think, a distraction from the fact that (regardless of our past) we just need to determine what is the right and ethical choice in the next decision and then make that decision. People can change. They need to stop claiming that they can't and just go ahead and decide to make the next right decision and keep doing that with one decision after another. Given a decent number of consecutive, correct decisions and no one is calling them a bad person anymore. Saying, I'm a bad person, is just an excuse to continue poor decisions as if we are incapable of doing otherwise. I will give them no such pass. In fact, claiming it just goes to show further selfishness and a "Whoa is me," victim-like mentality when the focus should be on the real victims of their conscious choices.

 

What I will say is that given the pervasive amount of infidelity and plain old dishonesty in the world, my estimates on the number of "bad people" could be far off. For those that continue to make unethical, unhealthy, and destructive choices time after time, I'm not sure what else you'd call them. Perhaps there are more bad people than I thought. There are certainly some, like my ex, that will avoid accountability indefinitely. My sense of optimism about people has definitely taken a hit.

[Spark1111]

I have and am looking in the same mirror of life. My hair is gone on the top of my head. Once every hair dresser I met loved to run her fingers through my abundant locks. (I loved getting a new hair dresser every few months for a new ego stroke. Seriously. Baldness is my punishment. ) My face has more wrinkles. My cheeks sag a little. And those young girls call me sir as if I am their dad.

 

I can see how I would be thrilled and excited if one of those young ladies began complimenting me on my mature handsome looks and if they kept telling me how bald is beautiful. I would love it.

 

Yet nothing would have changed except that my ego was stroked. I am no younger. My hair is still gone, and my wrinkles remain.

 

Thankfully, my wife does tell me that I look better now than I did ten years ago. My wife says that my fashion tastes are excellent and I dress well. She loves that I am now wiser and more mature looking.

 

BUT...the reverse is true. I have no doubt that sometimes she wrestles with the same things. While I see her as maturing with more beauty than she had as a young lady, she sees her own vision in her mirror. She sees the extra wrinkles and sagging boobs. She sees the extra weight on her hips.

 

And she loves it that I still see her as my beautiful bride. She responds to my compliments with radiant smiles and hugs. She kisses me and tells me that I am the most wonderful man in her world. (Serious...she just posted this on FB for my birthday wishes! )

 

My point is...your marriage is what you make it. While I understand why you chose this woman for an affair and how you find it difficult to leave her, I think you need to realize that if you do love your wife, then you need to begin courting her all over again. She needs to know that you find her beautiful. Your goal is not more sex but simply a way to show your love. The worst that can happen is that you gain nothing. The best is that you gain everything. It is a risk. However, it is much less of a risk than if you keep turning your attention to this OW. Your wife will probably respond with all of her love and affection. This OW can only give you part of hers...and it will not be a completely honest attention.

 

Again, choose this day whom you will love. And then move forward to the goal of a happy life.

 

To quote the late (and much admired by me) Zig Ziglar,

"If you treat your wife like a thoroughbred, then you will never end up with a nag."

 

And....

 

"You can have everything in life you want, if you will just help other people get what they want." (Other people here is your wife).

 

 

Now go do the right thing...whatever that is.

 

 

And for all of those who feel that repeated posts on threads about the same thing is a waste of time:

 

"People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily."

 

Read more at People often say that motivation... at BrainyQuote

 

James, I motivate people every day.

 

I also recognize when they are still in so deep they do not want advice. they seek instead, someone to hold their hand, tell them how unique they and their affair was, and help them mire in their internal confusion.

 

I am not, and refuse to be a surrogate for their former AP, telling the poor baby, it must be sooooo hard for you as they withdraw from dopamine spiking, while continuing to self-destruct the lives and marriages.

 

When SOM goes cold-turkey, hard core NC, then I believe he will be more willing to take advice from any of us who have been in the trenches before him.

 

e will be more willing to examine the inherently selfish, usury nature of them, so often cloaked in romanticism and fantasy thanks to all those intermittently rewarded hormone spikes and dips.

 

having lived this scenario, I refuse to romanticize it. I am profoundly saddened that so many continue to do so. it allows them to continue to espouse all of the bandied about justifications unsubstantiated by any research, reading, facts or experience.

[2sunny]

I rarely see any person who cheats as a "bad" person - just bad behavior... And that's behavior that CAN be changed.

 

The only bad ones I see here are the ones who do it on purpose with no remorse and no INTENT to change their actions moving forward.

 

Intent is everything. Actions that are congruent help to make change happen when they intend to stop.

[Spark1111]

I always appreciate that we can disagree agreeably.

 

You know, I've always felt that there are very few truly "bad people" in the world but instead that most people are a mixture. Maybe that's just my old naive optimism shining through.

 

One thing I do know is that saying that, "I'm a bad person" seems to be a real cop-out that just helps justify continuing the next poor decision. It somehow implies that we aren't capable of fighting fate and that some mystical force made us do a bad thing. Nonsense. The fact is that everyone is capable of making the next decision be a good one. It doesn't matter what decisions have gone before; what matters is what they are going to do NOW. Shame can either do the right thing or he can choose to do otherwise. But talking about being a good or bad person is, I think, a distraction from the fact that (regardless of our past) we just need to determine what is the right and ethical choice in the next decision and then make that decision. People can change. They need to stop claiming that they can't and just go ahead and decide to make the next right decision and keep doing that with one decision after another. Given a decent number of consecutive, correct decisions and no one is calling them a bad person anymore. Saying, I'm a bad person, is just an excuse to continue poor decisions as if we are incapable of doing otherwise. I will give them no such pass. In fact, claiming it just goes to show further selfishness and a "Whoa is me," victim-like mentality when the focus should be on the real victims of their conscious choices.

 

What I will say is that given the pervasive amount of infidelity and plain old dishonesty in the world, my estimates on the number of "bad people" could be far off. For those that continue to make unethical, unhealthy, and destructive choices time after time, I'm not sure what else you'd call them. Perhaps there are more bad people than I thought. There are certainly some, like my ex, that will avoid accountability indefinitely. My sense of optimism about people has definitely taken a hit.

 

Thanks for this!

 

We ARE all human and we ALL make mistakes.

 

However, when we keep making the SAME mistakes over, and over, and over again, but justify them with humanity, we are once again absolving ourselves of deserving the consequences of out actions.

 

that's not being human. That's being stupid and weak and BLAMING it on being human.

[shame_on_me]

Hi,

 

Some of u think I am not listening to you, I am. Last night I decided to tell a very close friend of mines what has been going on, to say he was shocked is an understatement he couldn't believe that I would ever cheat on my wife as I have always been madly I love with her since the moment I met her and this has always shown to friends and family. Then he sobered up when I told him who it was (I expected him to laugh and say I was on crazy pills) his response was if you had said anyone else I may not have believed you but I've always thought she had the hots for you and it's obvious you fancied her for years.

 

He asked me some difficult questions about what I want in my future and I was surprised .by my own answers. We discussed numerous things about my marriage and my wife. Conclusion - the affair is over, I still think I love/lust the other woman but the thought of starting over with her is quite frankly unthinkable I don't want to I don't want to raise her child I want to continue raising my own with my beautiful wife. Easier said than done yes but it's time to be honest with my wife and tell her the things I am not happy with in ur marriage and I believe she will have a few things to say as well. It's going to be rough. Know for a few months while I wean myself of my exow but it will be done and my friend will help me as much as he can.

 

I have still not decided whether to tell my wife or not, yes I'm scared, I'm petrified of telling her I'm petrified she leaves me. But I may have to tell her to fully come to terms with what I have done.

[woinlove]

Easier said than done yes but it's time to be honest with my wife and tell her the things I am not happy with in ur marriage and I believe she will have a few things to say as well.

 

Not sure how the above is compatible with the below, assuming we have the same definition of honest.

 

I have still not decided whether to tell my wife or not, yes I'm scared, I'm petrified of telling her I'm petrified she leaves me.

 

I know for certainty I could not pull off this task of faking honesty and having a supposedly honest conversation about our marriage while continuing to deceive about such a major breach of the marriage. Only you know how good you are at faking, but do you really think you can do this?

 

But I may have to tell her to fully come to terms with what I have done.

 

The above is the way I would go, but I'm a terrible liar, and so, probably have no real choice. Still, even if I could lie in this way, it seems to me it is the only way to have real intimacy. I think deception kills intimacy. And I would not want to have a marriage lacking in intimacy.

[Spark1111]

And there you go, SOM. You tell a trusted friend, he is shocked, but when you tell him who.....not so much as her attraction to you was obvious to all.

 

he is just shocked that you, the family man deeply in love with his wife, ACTED on it.

 

So, there you go. Who else, especially amongst the women, would be surprised? Not too many.

 

The only one who will be shocked is your spouse. While she may have had a twinge of suspicion, she trusted you not to ever act on the attraction.

 

So do not delude yourself, as so many other cheaters do, that no one suspected. They were just too classy to clue your wife in as they, too, believed you would never act on it.

 

We are ALL hit on or experience the random attraction of others, even hot young things.

 

Some of us shut it DOWN. You need to figure out WHY you did not; why you allowed it to progress; why you FED it to become this ridiculous heart-breaking situation.

 

YOU need to discover what YOUR Achilles heel was that led to this situation. She was looking for a patriarchal daddy to rescue her from her marital misery.

 

What were you looking for? Learn your vulnerability and face it, square on and conquer it!

[whichwayisup]

Then he sobered up when I told him who it was (I expected him to laugh and say I was on crazy pills) his response was if you had said anyone else I may not have believed you but I've always thought she had the hots for you and it's obvious you fancied her for years.

 

Shame, your wife knows deep down. Fact that your friend wasn't shocked who it was and mentioned he figured she always had the hots for you, just think how well your wife knows you and she knows the MW and her husband as well ... it's only a matter of time before your wife figures it all out.. Especially with what happened a few nights ago. Your wife isn't stupid..She's just not sure how to approach you about this either.

 

If she asks, please confess and tell her the truth. Don't lie, minimize, hide, deny, just be honest with her.

[seren]

SOM, my H had an affair, we too had been married for a long time, he told me, I didn't discover it, he couldn't live with guilt nor could he disrespect me any further. Yes, I was shocked, which is an understatement, but, once I had got over the anger I admired that he had the courage and integrity to tell me so I could make an informed choice about my life, my choices.

 

I agree with Spark that you need to look at you and what you believe gave you the go ahead to go behind your wife's back and have an affair, also what it is that has prompted you to do what you have done. I would do all this before I started looking at your marriage and trying to find the holes in it that enabled you to justify to yourself, your reasons for your affair.

 

I also agree that any conversations about repairing a marriage are pointless unless you tell your wife about your affiar.

As for the infatuation, like, whatever for the OW, if you cannot lose that, then you are not being fair to your wife, if the OW has feelings for you and believes you feel the same, you aren't being fair to her either. Time for less me, me, me and more about the others who have and will be affected. I hope you follow through with telling your wife, to do less is as bad as continuig with the A. I hope you find courage and resolve. Good Luck

[Steadfast]

Anyone not practicing terrorism isn't considered a 'bad person' these days. That's the problem with society, IMO. We grade on the curve. Still, isn't it ironic that it's the innocent who are expected to understand? Shame on Me has lied, cheated, has done so repeatedly for an extended period and still is. That not a mistake or an error in judgement. That's bad.

 

I saw a television show not long ago about Navy Seal training. One of the instructors said there was no grading on the curve. There was a right, and a wrong. The right gives you a chance. The wrong might not kill just you, but make others suffer for your mistake as well. Why isn't that too harsh or judgmental? No...we need those guys squared away, don't we?

 

Case in point:

 

Last night I decided to tell a very close friend of mines what has been going on, to say he was shocked is an understatement he couldn't believe that I would ever cheat on my wife as I have always been madly I love with her since the moment I met her...

 

Then...

 

Then he sobered up when I told him who it was (I expected him to laugh and say I was on crazy pills) his response was if you had said anyone else I may not have believed you but I've always thought she had the hots for you and it's obvious you fancied her for years.

 

This is priceless! His friend is 'shocked' he cheated on the woman that everyone knows he's 'madly in love with', yet understands (because yes, she the world's hottest woman) and recognizes he's...well...irresistible.

 

Dude. I've come to the conclusion you're making this crap up.

 

I have still not decided whether to tell my wife or not, yes I'm scared, I'm petrified of telling her I'm petrified she leaves me.

 

If everything you've written is true, you don't love your wife and never have. You're in love with, and concerned with, yourself. You love that she's your wife perhaps. Love not being alone. Love that other men find her attractive. Like the OW, she's a feather in your egotistical cap.

 

Never mind trying to do what's right, you need to grow up. Once you're thinking like an adult, the many pages of advice written to your betterment might make an impression. Until then, keep lookin' out for #1.

[AbeNormal]

In my view, it's #2. And it stinks.

[ComingInHot]

CAN'T. NOT. COMMENT. UGH! And I have tried SO hard to not to*

 

Shame! You TOLD a "trusted" guy???!?!! I hope you trust this man with your wife/I mean Life!! Cause stuff "this good" is REALLY hard to keep to ones self... It will end up some sort of Six degrees of separation back on your Wife's lap (if she hasn't figured it out by then).

 

Just saying that the ONLY person in your WHOLE world yu can trust ONE HUNDRED PERCENT is your Wife. Everyone else is Russion roulet w/your secrets. click, click, BOOM now everyone knows...

 

Probably not a wise move pal*

[JamesM]

James, I motivate people every day.

 

I also recognize when they are still in so deep they do not want advice. they seek instead, someone to hold their hand, tell them how unique they and their affair was, and help them mire in their internal confusion.

 

I am not, and refuse to be a surrogate for their former AP, telling the poor baby, it must be sooooo hard for you as they withdraw from dopamine spiking, while continuing to self-destruct the lives and marriages.

 

When SOM goes cold-turkey, hard core NC, then I believe he will be more willing to take advice from any of us who have been in the trenches before him.

 

e will be more willing to examine the inherently selfish, usury nature of them, so often cloaked in romanticism and fantasy thanks to all those intermittently rewarded hormone spikes and dips.

 

having lived this scenario, I refuse to romanticize it. I am profoundly saddened that so many continue to do so. it allows them to continue to espouse all of the bandied about justifications unsubstantiated by any research, reading, facts or experience.

 

I get what you are saying, and don't totally disagree.

 

I also know that people are motivated differently.

 

And I also know that when it appears that someone is a hopeless case, sometimes they change.

 

I usually try not to give up on someone. I may quit posting because I have nothing else to say, but I like to believe that people can and will change. No, not always.

 

SO here. As dumb as these choices have been and as damaging as they are, they can still be used for the betterment of SOM...one way or another.

 

Now, SOM, you may have made a mistake by telling this friend before telling your wife. No secret is safe with one person unless he or she is dead. I would suggest that since the holidays are over it is time to tell your wife.

[BetrayedH]

I just think this was no update at all.

 

"I'm listening to you all. You see, now I'm definitely still thinking about maybe someday seriously considering the possibility that I might in fact actually tell my wife if it proves necessary, which it really might. Oh, and I told a friend who had a fairly irrelevant comment about my OW. And I'm definitely going to ask for what I want in some marriage negotiations now."

 

Awe-inspiring stuff. Update: still a freakin' liar.

[shame_on_me]

My trusted friend has been a very close friend since we were boys, I trust him 100% he will not tell a soul we have confided in each other over the years. This is not the point tho, im beginning to realise the mess i have created and im very ashamed of myself. Just to let you know how much of a b*stard i really am i have been hearing reports that my ow has gone of the wagon over the christmas period. I hope she is ok and i know it is because of me, but i will not contact her however much i want to. I didnt want her to hate me but i guess thats inevitable.

 

My focus now is my family and my wife they deserve the man back who i used to be and i will be him again!

[shame_on_me]

Cali, i was recommended by a few posters on here to confide in a trusted friend to get an outside opinion ! Now the same people are telling me i should not have done it ?

 

I know what you mean tho reading back on my posts it sounds abit like a soap drama and i really wish it was fictional and not my life. I now know the true meaning of "mid-life crisis"

[Cali408]

Never tell anyone. People judge you. It will get back to your wife, which I know you don't want.

 

Just do this, from today forward, just be the best person you can be. You have a fresh start. Stop wasting your life. I know, I've been there.

[Spark1111]

My trusted friend has been a very close friend since we were boys, I trust him 100% he will not tell a soul we have confided in each other over the years. This is not the point tho, im beginning to realise the mess i have created and im very ashamed of myself. Just to let you know how much of a b*stard i really am i have been hearing reports that my ow has gone of the wagon over the christmas period. I hope she is ok and i know it is because of me, but i will not contact her however much i want to. I didnt want her to hate me but i guess thats inevitable.

 

My focus now is my family and my wife they deserve the man back who i used to be and i will be him again!

 

Fell off the wagon? Your OW has a drinking problem??????

[Spark1111]

AND how and who are you hearing these reports from?

 

NC is NC, not soliciting nor hearing things through the grape vine.