Bittersweetie Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 Shame, I know it's rough right now for you, I understand, I've been there. But: I can't handle this YES YOU CAN. Just think about it: Who do you want to be? Do you want to be a person who lives with honesty and integrity? Who your kids can look up to? You can look in the mirror and be proud of yourself? Or do you want to be a cake-eating liar and cheat? A guy who dallies with multiple women? A guy who needs ego boosts like water? If you do, okay, that's fine, then stop whining about it. IT'S YOUR CHOICE. YOU CAN HANDLE IT. You just need to pull on your big boy pants and MAKE A FREAKING CHOICE. Sorry if this is harsh, but like I said, I have been where you are and the stewing in your own juices is not only unhealthy but gets you nowhere. Pick a direction, then move. JUST DO IT. 3
Author shame_on_me Posted January 1, 2013 Author Posted January 1, 2013 Yes I want to be that man I thought I was him, infact I was him until this last year, I don't want to live with deceit I hate it I hate lying and cheating on my wife. I just can't get away from my thoughts on the ow right now I think I can do it then I get a vivid memory of something we shared and everything comes rushing back and I want her again.
bentnotbroken Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 Hi Yes I'm afraid I think I do know what I'm doing, I want my cake still and it's so hard to let it go. I can't really explain what I'm doing right now it's like I'm self destructing. I have only ever loved one woman my entire life and that is my wife and all of a sudden falling in love with another seems strange and I've lost all common sense. I am an average looking guy, getting on abit now, putting the weight on, going grey and not got much stamina left and all of a sudden this beautiful young thing is infatuated with me ? I can't handle this Then tell your wife so she can handle it for you. Oh yeah....you want to handle her. 2
Bittersweetie Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 I just can't get away from my thoughts on the ow right now I think I can do it then I get a vivid memory of something we shared and everything comes rushing back and I want her again. Here's how I stopped thinking about xOM all lovey-dovey and romantic... Every time I had a thought of xOM, I would then also think of something negative related to him. Like some of the crappy things he said to me. After d-day, it was the face of my H when I told him. Negative stuff. I did this EVERY TIME I thought of xOM, during the day, at night, whenever. Soon, I no longer wanted to think of xOM, because it wasn't a good feeling. Maybe you could try this. Every time you think of your xMOW, think about how she slapped you. Think about being drunk in the garage. Think about how you've betrayed your wife. Think about being a liar and a cheat. Then thinking of your "girl" will no longer be something you or your brain will want to do and you can stop obsessing and move forward. 4
dreamingoftigers Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 LOL, I just noticed something..... None of the " male" cheaters that took up so airtime on the other threads are hanging out on this one (ESP since two got called out). Cheaters, never around when you need them.... SOM, get yourself into therapy and thinking a little more clearly/stabilize yourself before crashing under the weight of this and shooting Out a brutal/unplanned and insensitive confession to assuage your guilt. Your counselor should be able to guide you throughout the process so that you don't do traumatizing things like provide a bunch of visuals that burn into your wife's mind etc.
coffeebean201 Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 Hey, well you kissed her where anyone could have seen because you want this to come out. Which sounds like the right thing for everybody. Kissing her right there was actually quite honest. Sounds like you are moving in the right direction. And you like to take small steps. People love negativity, so be prepared for an avalanche of negativity when they start to talk. But doesn't mean they should walk all over you. You say you know your wife and how she's going to react and the way she is. But does she know you?
RickFox Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 Hi Yes I'm afraid I think I do know what I'm doing, I want my cake still and it's so hard to let it go. I can't really explain what I'm doing right now it's like I'm self destructing. I have only ever loved one woman my entire life and that is my wife and all of a sudden falling in love with another seems strange and I've lost all common sense. I am an average looking guy, getting on abit now, putting the weight on, going grey and not got much stamina left and all of a sudden this beautiful young thing is infatuated with me ? I can't handle this It ain't love for you, it's pure lust. plain and simple. 2
Steen719 Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 It ain't love for you, it's pure lust. plain and simple. Shame, This poster knows first hand. Please listen to him and start a conversation with him.
sweet_pea Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 Shame, You keep saying you CAN'T stop lying to your wife, you CAN'T tell your wife, you just CAN'T stop this and that... but you CAN. You CHOOSE not to. So how about we quit acting helpless, like we can't do something, that you don't know how to get out of the situation, because you can. You clearly don't want to, and probably love the whole dynamic, but want to convince yourself and everyone that you're just good guy who fell off the path, woe is me, blah blah blah. If I sound harsh, sorry-- not sorry. I told y'all in the first thread this would happen
BetrayedH Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 Shame, You keep saying you CAN'T stop lying to your wife, you CAN'T tell your wife, you just CAN'T stop this and that... but you CAN. You CHOOSE not to. So how about we quit acting helpless, like we can't do something, that you don't know how to get out of the situation, because you can. You clearly don't want to, and probably love the whole dynamic, but want to convince yourself and everyone that you're just good guy who fell off the path, woe is me, blah blah blah. If I sound harsh, sorry-- not sorry. I told y'all in the first thread this would happen You know, my WW was the same way. No matter how many lies she told or how many people she hurt, she'd somehow have us all believe she was the victim in the whole thing. Somehow it has to be twisted into a situation where the wayward spouse is suffering. The extent to which people will go to rationalize piss poor decisions and deflect the blame elsewhere is astounding. But make no mistake, we will most certainly NOT be confessing to the people we've betrayed because, um, that would hurt them, right? I will instead martyr myself and carry the guilt upon my own shoulders. And gosh, I sure miss my OW. We could really talk, you know? Mularkey. 1
fieldsofgold84 Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 way to go! oh dear. Its not the first time I''ve said this but really, your poor wife:( I cannot imagine how ssecond-rate, rejected, worthless and unwanted she will feel when she finds out. and she will find out if you pull too many stunts like that. The wife/husband always knows. It takes time for them to face the cruel reality.
bentnotbroken Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 The wife/husband always knows. It takes time for them to face the cruel reality. No they don't always know. 4
JamesM Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 I agree with u, and I also agree that i now have to tell my wife everything, I can't handle these emotions any longer I want ow out my head my thoughts are driving me crazy Yes it's all me me me I wouldn't be in this mess if it wasn't I agree with this. You DO need to tell your wife if you want to get all thoughts of starting an affair with the OW again. Right now it is your secret (or so it seems) and you knew that the OW might fall for your charms again. In your mind, you still hope to reconnect with her again and begin the fantasy all over. Yet part of you know that it would be stupid. Telling your wife would get it all in the open, and then you would have to make a choice. At that point you would face the reality of losing your wife instead of thinking you may lose her. Right now you talk about the horror of losing her but then you would know the feeling. Right now you remember the wonderful sex with the OW and forget about the reality of her personality and ability to cheat. Telling your wife would make you compare your wife to her and decide who would be better to live with. Problem is...you are more afraid of losing your wife AND keeping your fantasy alive at least in your head, than you are afraid of hurting your wife. Not trying to say that you are me, but I think that this would be my thoughts and feelings if I were faced with your decision. Would I tell? I don't know. It is easy to say that you need to tell (and I think you do), but in reality, it takes a huge amount of courage to tell and expose your lies and fantasies to the one to whom you vowed to remain faithful. I do know this. The longer you wait to tell her, the greater the chance you won't. And the greater the chance that you will restart the affair. Please keep us updated. 1
BetrayedH Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 The wife/husband always knows. It takes time for them to face the cruel reality. Not remotely true. I had no idea and was crushed when I found out. My wfe was a very effective liar. 3
Spark1111 Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 OMG! This is sooooo passive-aggressive, SOM. You don't have the courage to end it, not really. You don't have the courage to confess and try to fix your marriage. So, what do you do? Under the guise of drinking too much, you want your OW to hate you and REALLY end it, or have your wife discover the affair and fix the marriage. Many, many a conflict-avoidant cheater subconsiously wants to be found out so others can fix it for them. Isn't it time to manage your own life in an honest and authentic way?
dreamingoftigers Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 Not remotely true. I had no idea and was crushed when I found out. My wfe was a very effective liar. Same here. He kept A LOT really underground. No one would've suspected his past or his infidelity. He was even able to manipulate one of our therapists into defending him. Later on that sane therapist said "it's obvious what he is blah blah, you've ignored all of the red flags." the same red flags she had completely ignored for one year of therapy until I brought in proof discovered in year 3 of our marriage. Glad I fired her.
ComingInHot Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 Shame; When you look in the mirror, what do you see? I'm curious as from what you've described here you see yourself as: -In Love (just w/a person not your Wife) -Conflicted -Tormented -Sensitive (don't want to hurt either woman) -Provider to W & kids -Missing /losing out on your chance for "true" happiness Am I close? Or was I close before you came to LS? I think you may be upset some that people here are calling you out on a "few" things you are NOT seeing (that you should see) when you look in the mirror: -grabbing at a "last moment" proving you "still got it" w/the or a young hottie/s -Selfish -Not a "good" provider for your W & kids ( there's more to providing than bringing home a paycheck) -lier -cheater -Manipulator - thief -there's much more... Call yourself out on EVERYTHING when you look in the mirror next time. The good, the bad and the ugly. Maybe Then you can decide if this man you have become is the man you're going to remain OR make the necessary changes to become a man that you, yourself can respect & be proud of along w/your Wife & children, & family and parents & neighbors & peers etc... Cause right now you are fooling yourself if you think you're a respectable man.
waterwoman Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 The wife/husband always knows. It takes time for them to face the cruel reality. Nope. I 'knew' something was wrong but I assumed it was simply that he was tired/stressed, he had had enough of my depression.... etc. I became a little more suspicious when he told me about 'rumours' that were flying around in work about him and OW. So I checked up. But to say I knew is simply not true. 1
Author shame_on_me Posted January 2, 2013 Author Posted January 2, 2013 Shame; When you look in the mirror, what do you see? I'm curious as from what you've described here you see yourself as: -In Love (just w/a person not your Wife) -Conflicted -Tormented -Sensitive (don't want to hurt either woman) -Provider to W & kids -Missing /losing out on your chance for "true" happiness Am I close? Or was I close before you came to LS? I think you may be upset some that people here are calling you out on a "few" things you are NOT seeing (that you should see) when you look in the mirror: -grabbing at a "last moment" proving you "still got it" w/the or a young hottie/s -Selfish -Not a "good" provider for your W & kids ( there's more to providing than bringing home a paycheck) -lier -cheater -Manipulator - thief -there's much more... Call yourself out on EVERYTHING when you look in the mirror next time. The good, the bad and the ugly. Maybe Then you can decide if this man you have become is the man you're going to remain OR make the necessary changes to become a man that you, yourself can respect & be proud of along w/your Wife & children, & family and parents & neighbors & peers etc... Cause right now you are fooling yourself if you think you're a respectable man. I see all of the above everytime i go to bed and wake up in the morning, sometimes i just simply stare in the mirror and i am astounded with what either woman actually see's in me ... more so the ow as she is young and has her whole life ahead of her. Someone posted on here the im in lust and not love, i thought this also at the beginning but its very hard to compare as i have only ever loved one woman (my wife) I dont like these unhealthy strong feelings i have for the ow not one bit, i dont want to love her, i dont want to be with her either (for numerous reasons, age difference, kids, monies and most of all i do love my wife) I have also tried the "bad thought" thing and tbh she hasnt got anything bad about her, yes she is cheating on her husband but is it really cheating when they are almost at the end of a divorce ? Maybe so. I'm the bad one here not her Im the one who should of said "no, i am happily married" i knew it then and i know it now but i guess after 28 years of marriage (30 years we have been together) i wondered what it would feel like with another woman. As i have mentioned in previous posts if it wasnt this woman it is very unlikely i would of strayed, we have had a mutual attraction for years i just didnt believe for a second it was reciprocated. I thought we could just have sex and that would be it we would part but we wanted to know everything about each other and this is when the emotional side to things started.
ComingInHot Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 (edited) Actually, from your reply, you're Not. You look at yourself getting an ego rise from Two women wanting you. Where in your reply do you Acknowledge who and what you really are W/OUT thinking about how these two women "want" you??!? Try it. I dare you. Go look in the mirror, stare yourself in the eyes and call yourself a lie, manipulator, a cheat and not a good man. See if you can do that w/out thinking about how OW & Wife make you "feel". Then come back here & tell us if you feel vindicated to change. Edited January 2, 2013 by ComingInHot added thought
Author shame_on_me Posted January 2, 2013 Author Posted January 2, 2013 Actually, from your reply, you're Not. You look at yourself getting an ego rise from Two women wanting you. Where in your reply do you Acknowledge who and what you really are W/OUT thinking about how these two women "want" you??!? Try it. I dare you. Go look in the mirror, stare yourself in the eyes and call yourself a lie, manipulator, a cheat and not a good man. See if you can do that w/out thinking about how OW & Wife make you "feel". Then come back here & tell us if you feel vindicated to change. I wish it were as simple as you say but it isnt, what i really see in the mirror is an old man and the devil in disguise.
JamesM Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 (edited) i guess after 28 years of marriage (30 years we have been together) i wondered what it would feel like with another woman. Hmmm....good reason. I wonder too? I wonder if my wife wonders. How would you feel if your wife had chased after another man simply out of curiosity? As i have mentioned in previous posts if it wasnt this woman it is very unlikely i would of strayed, TBH I question this. If another woman who was attractive had presented herself to you with you having this curiosity, I think you would have gone step by step into an affair. I know what you think, but to have an attraction and not follow through is normal. To have an attraction and follow through takes something more. we have had a mutual attraction for years i just didnt believe for a second it was reciprocated. YOU had the attraction and when you found out she did, then it was easy to follow through. The question that you cannot answer is...if someone said that she was attracted to you, then you may have looked at her differently. This happens. A woman approaches a man and says she finds him attractive. Suddenly, you would look at her with a different eye...and your mind would work. You would create a fantasy. And when two people take the next step, an affair begins.My guess is that this happened a bit here too. I thought we could just have sex and that would be it we would part but we wanted to know everything about each other and this is when the emotional side to things started. Unless you are having sex with a prostitute, then I think it is hard to NOT have an emotional connection after having sex with someone...especially when you have expressed a fascination with each other. Question: Do you have the guts to tell your wife? Are you able to not go back to this OW? Both take a strength that is great. It is easier to not to tell the wife and to slip back to the OW. You have some big decisions for 2013. And how you decide will determine how this year will end for you. Good luck. Edited January 2, 2013 by JamesM 2
ComingInHot Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 SHAME; Actually it is that easy. You look in the mirror call yourself out. As far as acknowledging you are the devil in disguise, is that because you are enjoying what you are doing and like the devil, KNOW you are eventually "going down" so are bent on taking as many down w/you as you can? What's the body count at so far? Let's see, You, your Wife, your kids ( two I think right), OW ( whose probably in same boat you are). That's Five but you can't exlude extended family, your parents, wife's parents, siblings, friends etc.. It really IS easy. You just lack conviction sir. The devil even has that (conviction).
BetrayedH Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 I wish it were as simple as you say but it isnt, what i really see in the mirror is an old man and the devil in disguise. You're not a bad person, Shame. But you are making bad decisions. That ends when you decide it ends.
Bittersweetie Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 I have also tried the "bad thought" thing and tbh she hasnt got anything bad about her, yes she is cheating on her husband but is it really cheating when they are almost at the end of a divorce ? If you really believe that your Married Other Woman has no bad things about her, then you do not truly know her, and aren't in love with the real her. Because everyone has bad things, and in a real and healthy love, you love the whole person, not just the rainbows and unicorns part. 1
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