I got my bike, it was terrible

[crashvector]

I drove her to her house...of course i was a pathetic mess by the time I even got out the car.

 

It looked like no one was home, so I took my time, opened the shed, touched her mountain bike for a few minutes (the one that we bought together on our first official "date"), took my time and cried in an attempt to grieve, etc.

 

I finally managed to wrestle my bike into my car....got my son's bike in the car as well, found my ballroom dance shoes on the outside deep freezer like she said they would be, walked them to the garbage can out front and threw them out. No need for dance shoes if I dont have a partner to take lessons with anymore.

 

anyhow, I came back to my car, and closed the passenger's side door. when I was walking around my car, I saw her 2nd oldest daughter and 2nd youngest standing at the door looking at me, so I waved and attempted to fake a smile.

 

The daughter, who is 23 and ALSO getting married this summer opened the door and just stood there. Her son, who is 19, was standing behind her looking at the ground. I couldn't ignore them, so I walked over.

 

Her daughter said "Hi." with a forced smile. I said "I'm just getting my bike and (my son's name) bike. I didnt realize anyone was here."

 

She immediately bursts into tears, ran over to me and said "We all love you SO much" as she hugged me.

 

I couldnt help myself...I burst into tears myself, and said "Look, I know you are moving away soon, so I'm glad to see you, because I may not get the chance to tell you goodbye otherwise. I'm SO sorry you guys....I really loved all of you."

 

Still hugging me, she said "We love you, too. We all know how much you loved our mom and we're SO sorry for you. I'm going to miss you SO much Matt..."

 

Her son, who is 19, starts crying too.

 

I said "I promise y'all, if there was anything I could do to fix this, I would. I wish to God it could be different. I was very happy to be a part of your family, and I will miss all of you terribly."

 

Her son walks over to hug me and says "Look, I was so happy that my mom had someone that loved her like you did. If its not too awkward, maybe not with my mom, but do you think you and I could maybe go to the gun range to shoot again? I know my mom left you, but none of US did."

 

I said "I have your shotgun at my house...I took it apart and cleaned it for you, so I'll bring it back, I promise."

 

Her daughter said "Please dont forget about us." and hugged me again.

 

i said "I promise you, I wont...and I couldnt forget you if I tried to anyhow."

 

I hugged her daughter and shook her son's hand...got in my car...and sobbed the entire 20 minute drive home.

[geegirl]

Oh Crash. My eyes welled up with tears just reading that. Thinking of my bf's boys if something like this happened. It would kill me.

 

I can't believe she left your shoes out there.

 

Please, no more contacting her. I hope the bike was all you needed. Maybe after much time has passed, you can see the kids again.

 

I can't imagine how broken you feel right now. I can't understand her coldness or maybe she believes this is the best way to handle things.

[Simon Phoenix]

Dude, that's heartwrenching. I feel for you man.

[cavalier99]

Sorry man. Heart wrenching sceen. Believe it or not you will recover even thought right now you feel like there is no end in sight.

[crashvector]

Dude, that's heartwrenching. I feel for you man.

 

The worst part of it all...

 

As I was walking back to my car, I heard her daughter start sobbing really loud...but I couldn't BEAR to look back at her...so I got in my car and took a deep breath...and did my best to not look at them as I backed out the driveway.

 

On my way home, I texted her son "Dont worry buddy, I am positive there are a few trips to the range in our future together :)"

Edited December 30, 2012 by crashvector

[na49]

Gah reading your story makes me wonder how I could ever feel so down about mine. My "teen love" nonsense is nothing compared to what you're dealing with. It will take time, but you can do this.

 

You got your bike, now it's time to leave her and her kids alone. I know this is so much easier for me to say (or type) than for you to actually do but it's for the best. Has she got a facebook or a twitter? If she does, block her facebook and NEVER check her twitter. The amount of pain you'll feel seeing her enjoying life without you, will set you back further than you are now. I just recently blocked my ex's number so that my heart wouldn't race every time my phone rang. If you feel that you need to do that, it may help.

[todreaminblue]

I drove her to her house...of course i was a pathetic mess by the time I even got out the car.

 

It looked like no one was home, so I took my time, opened the shed, touched her mountain bike for a few minutes (the one that we bought together on our first official "date"), took my time and cried in an attempt to grieve, etc.

 

I finally managed to wrestle my bike into my car....got my son's bike in the car as well, found my ballroom dance shoes on the outside deep freezer like she said they would be, walked them to the garbage can out front and threw them out. No need for dance shoes if I dont have a partner to take lessons with anymore.

 

anyhow, I came back to my car, and closed the passenger's side door. when I was walking around my car, I saw her 2nd oldest daughter and 2nd youngest standing at the door looking at me, so I waved and attempted to fake a smile.

 

The daughter, who is 23 and ALSO getting married this summer opened the door and just stood there. Her son, who is 19, was standing behind her looking at the ground. I couldn't ignore them, so I walked over.

 

Her daughter said "Hi." with a forced smile. I said "I'm just getting my bike and (my son's name) bike. I didnt realize anyone was here."

 

She immediately bursts into tears, ran over to me and said "We all love you SO much" as she hugged me.

 

I couldnt help myself...I burst into tears myself, and said "Look, I know you are moving away soon, so I'm glad to see you, because I may not get the chance to tell you goodbye otherwise. I'm SO sorry you guys....I really loved all of you."

 

Still hugging me, she said "We love you, too. We all know how much you loved our mom and we're SO sorry for you. I'm going to miss you SO much Matt..."

 

Her son, who is 19, starts crying too.

 

I said "I promise y'all, if there was anything I could do to fix this, I would. I wish to God it could be different. I was very happy to be a part of your family, and I will miss all of you terribly."

 

Her son walks over to hug me and says "Look, I was so happy that my mom had someone that loved her like you did. If its not too awkward, maybe not with my mom, but do you think you and I could maybe go to the gun range to shoot again? I know my mom left you, but none of US did."

 

I said "I have your shotgun at my house...I took it apart and cleaned it for you, so I'll bring it back, I promise."

 

Her daughter said "Please dont forget about us." and hugged me again.

 

i said "I promise you, I wont...and I couldnt forget you if I tried to anyhow."

 

I hugged her daughter and shook her son's hand...got in my car...and sobbed the entire 20 minute drive home.

 

 

you put the burn back behind my eyes...i feel for you......and i feel fro th efamily....saddest post i have read...i wish you happiness......and love...hugs...deb

[ItxWillxGetxBetter]

omg crash that is rough. I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I know it doesn't seem like it now but it will get better. In the meantime just focus on yourself and work on healing. We are all here for you if you need to vent, advice, or just for some empathy. Again, Im so sorry....

[crashvector]

God as my witness, I loved those kids like they were my own.

 

I have not lost ONE person I deeply loved...I have lost SIX.

 

I could give examples, but it would be pointless now.

 

Suffice it to say her youngest daughter, who was 15 at the time was facing an emergency life-or-death medical problem. She didnt ask for her REAL dad....She told her mom "I need matt mom...PLEASE...just tell matt I need him here with me."

 

She called me and cried on the phone saying "(her daughter) said she needs you...she didnt even ask for her real dad..she want YOU...and I need you, too." I showed up and spent three days in the hospital with her.

 

Her son told me "You're the father I've always wished I had" and I said "I can't be your father, but I will try to be your DAD."

 

I loved them all so much....

Edited December 31, 2012 by crashvector

[MyAngel]

I don't know why any of this is happening, it doesn't make sense. I am so sorry crash. The kids seem so awesome but it's heart breaking seeing how upset they are. They didn't expect this any more than you did

[crashvector]

I don't know why any of this is happening, it doesn't make sense. I am so sorry crash. The kids seem so awesome but it's heart breaking seeing how upset they are. They didn't expect this any more than you did

 

 

She has some fantastic kids....and I loved them...and they loved me.

 

She would often marvel at how her kids were always texting me with their problems and asking advice and such...and how they never texted her or their real dad with any of that.

 

At least twice a week, her youngest, now 18, would text me with some problem she was having...and her mom would see me answering her and say "who;s that?" I'd tell her what's going on and she would say "Thank you for being so good to my children." and I would say "No problem, I love them as much as I love you."

 

a week ago, she told me "It's odd that all my kids go to YOU when they need help...but I know its because they know you will be there for them no matter what...and I love you so much for that and for caring about my kids so much"

 

This is just a TREMENDOUS loss to bear....Ive lost my love....my friend...my companion...and six kids that I loved with all my heart all at the same time

 

There is SO much grief I am finding it hard to cope.

 

Then, tomorrow, MY son will be here...and will ask about "my second mommy". when i tell him what happened, he's going to want to talk to her.

 

I have NO idea what I'm going to do...

[crashvector]

I guess it WAS good that I got to say goodbye to two of them at least.

 

the others i texted, the oldest, who lives up in St. Louis, is leaving in a couple of days, so I asked her if it wouldn't hurt her too much if I could say goodbye to her in person as well.

 

She's 25.

 

I guess getting closure REALLY hurts, but somehow...I feel like at least they know from my own mouth that I really DID love them...and heard that they loved me too.

 

I guess it makes me feel like I wasn't so terrible after all...if her kids thought THAT highly of me and the way I treated their mom...then I know...I know I treated her well, and that this is NOT because i wasn't good enough.

[ReadMyThread]

Daaaaang. This sounds like it would be straight out of a movie type sh**. Be strong man. We all are here for you. You got this.

[crashvector]

yeah, if i would not be living through it myself I would say the same thing

 

At least I know...as gutwrenching as it was, that I did right by her kids and they all loved me.

 

I guess I should feel proud somehow that I was good enough of a man to earn THAT much respect and love for her children.

 

I just wish someone would slap her in the face and say "Are you SERIOUS?! Are you REALLY going to do this over such a TINY issue?! You are REALLY going to let go of a man that your kids loved and adored and respected THAT much?! You are going to toss away a man that loved you and made you feel special every single day you were alive over something THAT trivial?! Are you OUT of your goddam MIND?!"

 

At least....I now know for a fact that I really DID treat her well...and that I should have NO shame in this.

 

It does not lessen my pain at all, but at LEAST I know I am a good man.

[MyAngel]

Not just a good man, you sound like a great man. She will come to regret losing you but she's made her mind up and it's her cross to bear. I don't know.... There seems to be more to her side of the story that she is not saying... That's just how I am feeling. Do you think there's something she could be hiding, another man perhaps? It seems trivial as you said to throw it away on a minor issue that could be sorted out, but maybe there are more issues she hasn't raised, who knows :/

[crashvector]

Not just a good man, you sound like a great man. She will come to regret losing you but she's made her mind up and it's her cross to bear. I don't know.... There seems to be more to her side of the story that she is not saying... That's just how I am feeling. Do you think there's something she could be hiding, another man perhaps? It seems trivial as you said to throw it away on a minor issue that could be sorted out, but maybe there are more issues she hasn't raised, who knows :/

 

If there are other issues, neither I, nor her kids apparently, are aware of it.

 

If she met someone else, trust me...it' really is best that I NEVER find out because I'm not sure what would happen, but she would be the LAST person on this green earth I would EVER suspect of doing that.

 

She was cheated on by her ex husband and was absolutely devastated by it...so there would be an extra hot place in hell for her if that WAS the case.

 

At any rate...I will try and keep my pride in knowing that if nothing else, I AM a good man, and I treated her VERY well along with her kids.

 

Her kid's reaction proves it beyond ANY doubt, especially since they are all grown.

 

I will TRY to take some comfort in knowing that ALL of my female friends keep telling me "Every single woman I know....EVERY woman I know...would absolutely KILL to have a man love them like you loved her...and that doesn't even start to count how well you treated her kids, too."

 

I guess I really should feel proud.

 

dangit...I AM a good man after all.

 

i just wish this good man still had his angel

[suladas]

That's brutal i'm tearing up just reading it, I can't imagine how bad it is for you, I wasn't anywhere near as close with my ex's kids and it was still incredibly rough. It really is a special bond you form with the sons though. And man there is nothing like it when the kids like you, even more then their biological dad it's incredible how good that feels. I feel for you a lot, it's not easy to get over.

[crashvector]

That's brutal i'm tearing up just reading it, I can't imagine how bad it is for you, I wasn't anywhere near as close with my ex's kids and it was still incredibly rough. It really is a special bond you form with the sons though. And man there is nothing like it when the kids like you, even more then their biological dad it's incredible how good that feels. I feel for you a lot, it's not easy to get over.

 

Their biological dad is an orthopedic surgeon with TONS of money, and all the expensive trappings that go along with it.

 

I guess it says a lot for me that they always came to ME when they needed something.

 

Her youngest daughter had a project to do in school earlier this year(she's a senior in high school), where she had to write a report on the 3 most influential people in her life. She chose her mother, her grandpa, and ME.

 

I was so proud I teared up when my fiancee told me about it.

 

Yes, I loved those kids like they were my own biological kids...and it makes me feel SOME level of comfort to know...they loved me, too.

 

Still...that was absolutely GUT-wrenching this afternoon. I NEVER want to feel like that EVER again.

[todreaminblue]

God as my witness, I loved those kids like they were my own.

 

I have not lost ONE person I deeply loved...I have lost SIX.

 

I could give examples, but it would be pointless now.

 

Suffice it to say her youngest daughter, who was 15 at the time was facing an emergency life-or-death medical problem. She didnt ask for her REAL dad....She told her mom "I need matt mom...PLEASE...just tell matt I need him here with me."

 

She called me and cried on the phone saying "(her daughter) said she needs you...she didnt even ask for her real dad..she want YOU...and I need you, too." I showed up and spent three days in the hospital with her.

 

Her son told me "You're the father I've always wished I had" and I said "I can't be your father, but I will try to be your DAD."

 

I loved them all so much....

 

 

i honestly have to swallow a bit as i write i am highly emotional at the moment....what i wanted to say to you as a single mother ...i appreciate the way you talk about the children and the mum....so many men would not be like you........i want to thank for you for posting your gut wrenching story even though it was hard for em to read yrou kindness and compassion shines through the heartache.......thank you crash....you make me cry.....but i wish you nothing but hope and happiness in your life i hope the lives you touched, this family i mean and the bonds you have formed with them remain unbroken....and if there is any possible way that you can ever be with them and it would be forever I would wish that for you and them..i understadn hwo i tmust make you feel to lose six at once and fro yrou boy to miss his second mum.....its horrible and one reason why i dont take relationships as a single mother of five myself, lightly the next guy i am with is the one who will be in my family as a lifer, for them, for my family, and for me.........hugs deb

[crashvector]

i honestly have to swallow a bit as i write i am highly emotional at the moment....what i wanted to say to you as a single mother ...i appreciate the way you talk about the children and the mum....so many men would not be like you........i want to thank for you for posting your gut wrenching story even though it was hard for em to read yrou kindness and compassion shines through the heartache.......thank you crash....you make me cry.....but i wish you nothing but hope and happiness in your life i hope the lives you touched, this family i mean and the bonds you have formed with them remain unbroken....and if there is any possible way that you can ever be with them and it would be forever I would wish that for you and them..i understadn hwo i tmust make you feel to lose six at once and fro yrou boy to miss his second mum.....its horrible and one reason why i dont take relationships as a single mother of five myself, lightly the next guy i am with is the one who will be in my family as a lifer, for them, for my family, and for me.........hugs deb

 

 

Thank you so much for your kind words.

 

Yes, i honestly truly loved them all. My fiancee and her kids I viewed as one wonderful package...and i loved every one of them.

 

You are right...the loss I feel is SO profound I am barely able to cope with the pain.

 

Tomorrow, when I have to explain to my son, I KNOW the first question he will ask will be "I want to talk to my second mommy."

 

I'm not sure what to do...text her and tell her my son would like to speak to her to tell her goodbye? Tell him that I will let her know he wants to talk to her when she contacts me next time?

 

It seems unfair to him to tell him "I'm sorry baby, but she's not coming back and you won't ever see her again, and no...you cannot tell her bye."

 

I can see HER saying she cannot bear to speak to him now, but I would be SO angry with her if she denied my son the chance to say HIS goodbyes as well.

 

this is just an AWFUL situation. I wish there was some way..ANY way out of this.

 

there are six kids hurting here...plus the two of us....over something that would have been 100% for sure been a self-fixing problem that would have naturally worked itself out once we got married.

 

It just all seems so...STUPID to do this to everyone...there are eight people in extreme emotional pain....and it just seems POINTLESS to me.

 

My son just lost a woman he loved as his second mommy and doesnt even know it yet....I lost the love of my life, my friend and my companion, and five kids I loved as much as if they were my very own. Five of her kids lost a little brother (they ALL referred to my son as their little brother) AND the man that loved their mother and who they thought of as their dad...and SHE lost the little boy that adored her as his mom, and the man that would have been faithful and devoted to her, and made her feel special until the day she died.

 

 

ALL this...because she said she didnt like the way I "scolded" her for more time together than she felt she could give. That it made her feel like no matter how much she gave me, it was not enough.

 

Newsflash: once we are married, I'd see you every day. I wouldnt have to ask for time to see you because I'd see you every night.

 

ending our relationship and hurting THIS many people was needless.

[todreaminblue]

it does seem strange that she ended such a wonderful joining.......as you were engaged ...weird....i hope in somehow gods grace this i snot permanent and that she comes to her senses you are right.....when you join a family to soemone else its more than just two people involved and your relationship had progressed so far....engagement is a commitment....and honestly i get told off a lot in relationships because i can be stubborn....but i stand up for myself adn actually am pretty forgiving.....i have never ended a relationship on an argument.....thats fact...i dont believe in it..i refuse to argue when i have pms too......thats hard crash, because you wanted more time with her.....hope she realizes this......have you talked therapy family or otherwise.....????...deb

[crashvector]

it does seem strange that she ended such a wonderful joining.......as you were engaged ...weird....i hope in somehow gods grace this i snot permanent and that she comes to her senses you are right.....when you join a family to soemone else its more than just two people involved and your relationship had progressed so far....engagement is a commitment....and honestly i get told off a lot in relationships because i can be stubborn....but i stand up for myself adn actually am pretty forgiving.....i have never ended a relationship on an argument.....thats fact...i dont believe in it..i refuse to argue when i have pms too......thats hard crash, because you wanted more time with her.....hope she realizes this......have you talked therapy family or otherwise.....????...deb

 

 

Well, her youngest daughter decided to text me around midnight. She was obviously angry and hurt.

 

I'll sum it up to say that she's very upset at her mom...because she said her mom explained to her what happened, and in her own words, she said her mom is being "Hard-headed, stubborn, and stupid."

 

our text conversation lasted about 45 minutes or so overall, with her saying repeatedly "yall will be back together."

 

the worst things she said was this "Love isn't real. These fairytales are bull****. Love isn't the most powerful thing. It's simply an emotion. Y'all are the worst example of a relationship EVER! Y'all are both SO selfish! This relationship is NOT just between the two of YOU. There are about 7 or 8 other people involved here! I'm gonna end up divorced, too...because NOTHING ever lasts!!! Mom PROMISED me she loved you and wanted to be your wife! You told me you had this true love for my mom and look what happened!!!!"

 

that's a direct quote.

 

She's 18, so I felt I could be honest with her and said "I'm so very sorry you are hurt by this, but know that I loved you very very much. I always wanted a daughter, all of you know that, and I considered you to be the daughter I wished i always had."

 

"As far as the being selfish part, I'm sure your mother felt justified in what she did, but know this...I did NOT want this to happen. If I could fix it, I would, but it is out of my hands at this point. All that really matters though is that I love your mom, and I love you, too..and always will"

 

she replied " Why? She's ugly and the most stubborn and stuck-up person EVER!"

 

I said "Because she's beautiful and I love her. And you know what? Your mom loves you very much...be kind to her, you little brat :)"

 

then she said "I know how that feels...remember? And I am NOT going to say goodbye to YOU too" - she was referencing a break up with her old boyfriend where she had gotten pregnant with an ectopic pregnancy at 16 years old, and told her mom "I want Matt. PLEASE call matt and tell him I need him" when her mom asked her is she wanted her to call her father.

 

I said "yes I remember. I also remember I was there for you...I stood outside with you..in the middle of winter...in the rain...because I loved you and it hurt me to see you in pain"

 

She said "Yes. I remember. You were the only one that cared, and I love you for it."

 

I wont transcribe the entire conversation, but those were the most important ones I think.

 

I told her I would always be there for her if she needed me, and I promised that if she needed me that I would never abandon her or anyone else of her siblings and she said "I'm not worried about that...I KNOW you would be...and You will ALWAYS be my daddy."

 

She always called me "daddy" in a goofy way..but my fiance and i knew that deep down, she was being serious...she always introduced my son to everyone as "my little brother", too. she's a sweet kid.

 

 

God...this is SO hard I'm trying to be a good man and kind to her children because I DO love them, too...and I DONT want to have to leave them or abandon them.

 

she was absolutely right about one thing for sure....this involves more than just me and her mom...and that's a lot of the reason why it hurts SO much.

Edited December 31, 2012 by crashvector

[Survivor12]

While I understand that you don't want the kids to feel that you have abandoned them, it's also important to consider that by staying in contact with them, you are at risk of becoming a wedge between them and their mother.

 

Please remember that they are children and that although your relationship with them came about because of your association with their mother, they should not be drug--or allowed--into your adult relationship.

 

I would strongly suggest that you maintain some distance--at least for the time being. Do not contact them. If they contact you, you should let them know that you will not discuss their mother or listen to them talk about her. Don't allow them to use you as a sounding board for beating up on their mom. Of course, defending her as you have done is the right thing to do, but as kids merely listening validates their negative feelings. If they are angry with her, they need to be talking to her. They also need to adapt to the breakup and not hang on to false hope.

 

On the other hand, keeping in close contact with them will delay your healing. It's like hanging on to your ex by proxy. That is not good for you. It would also not be good if their mother is unaware of their contact and were to find out unexpectedly.

 

If they contact you again, let them know that for the time being, it would be best for all of you for them not to be contacting you without their mothers' permission. I know it may be difficult, but if you care as much for them and their mother as it seems you do, you will see that it is for the best.

 

After the "dust has settled" and you all have had time to recover emotionally, perhaps you could renew your relationship with them. Time will tell.

 

In the meantime, take care of you.

Edited December 31, 2012 by Survivor12

[crashvector]

Thats a good point I had not considered.

 

I definitely do not want to hurt the kids.

[todreaminblue]

For the kids to accept you is huge......the way they have accepted you is huge....i agree with the fact you are going to have to hold off on contacting them when it does cool down a bit you could probably approach the mother and see if there could be some kind of access that you could have.....

if the kids want it and they are 18 and older then they are adult children who have a right to say who they want to see and who they dont.But it could cause a wedge an di can tell you probably in no way are wanting to be responsible for that ...you are on clean up duty and damage control...I feel for your boy...his loss is far more palpable because he wont understand it....i wish the both of you much happiness and hope her stubborn streak dissipates....hugs...deb

Edited January 1, 2013 by todreaminblue