edgygirl Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 I had a talk today with this guy I've been in touch for 3 months. He lives in another city and we met a month ago. Lots of attraction and amazing chemistry in bed, but although we are very similar in backgrounds, same age, social status and all, I think we did not manage to develop intellectual chemistry. I think he has some walls up. He said people usually tell him it's hard to read him. I agree. We had a few back and forth messages today and things ended. I am pissed that I saw so much potential and possibilities but that he gave up trying because of the distance and lack of energy to try it (he is doing medical training working 12 hour shifts 6 days a week). Our "relationship", although constant for 3 months, never really existed or took off although it could have if we both would open our hearts and allow for it to happen. It's so hard to meet someone remotely interesting and I'm sad to let him go and not know for sure if we could be good for each other or not. I feel like I'm going over a breakup from a relationship that never existed. I feel so stupid. Still it hurts. I miss talking with him and getting his messages every day. I feel I'm grieving over dreams and not a failed relationship. This is a first to me and I feel so sad. How can I cope better? 1
Author edgygirl Posted December 30, 2012 Author Posted December 30, 2012 No one? Funny thing is I think it's not easy for men either - I logged in to disable my online profile and noticed he deleted his today as well, first time since we met. A little shocked by this.
Svet74 Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 long distance relationships rarely work, but i would go NC and let him come to you if its meant to be
Pyro Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 I personally don't have experience with an 'almost' relationship but I can imagine what may help is to focus on the downsides to being with the guy. Had you become a couple those downsides may have caused bigger issues down the line. Things happen for a reason and you could have easily dodged a huge bullet. Focusing on the good things won't help you at all.
todreaminblue Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 I had a talk today with this guy I've been in touch for 3 months. He lives in another city and we met a month ago. Lots of attraction and amazing chemistry in bed, but although we are very similar in backgrounds, same age, social status and all, I think we did not manage to develop intellectual chemistry. I think he has some walls up. He said people usually tell him it's hard to read him. I agree. We had a few back and forth messages today and things ended. I am pissed that I saw so much potential and possibilities but that he gave up trying because of the distance and lack of energy to try it (he is doing medical training working 12 hour shifts 6 days a week). Our "relationship", although constant for 3 months, never really existed or took off although it could have if we both would open our hearts and allow for it to happen. It's so hard to meet someone remotely interesting and I'm sad to let him go and not know for sure if we could be good for each other or not. I feel like I'm going over a breakup from a relationship that never existed. I feel so stupid. Still it hurts. I miss talking with him and getting his messages every day. I feel I'm grieving over dreams and not a failed relationship. This is a first to me and I feel so sad. How can I cope better? edgy girl im with you ......i am extremely sad over a relationship that never was.......its hard....and you feel stupid i am there...i feel pathetic is more appropriate.... my family understands, because they know when i fall i fall hard,i dont bounce back....takes real effort and hiding what i am feeling...doesnt matter i didnt get to know him or that i never went on an actual date my feelings are real,i have snapshots in my brain of him that flash back...i have been a in logn distance relationship before and i can survive on breadcrumbs....literally.....which is even more pathetic..so glad i dotn fall often.... i dont fall for guys off the bat but i do know what it feels like when i do i am not a teen with a crush or feeling friendship or idolising him....he frustrates the crap out of me he is challenging.... ...hits me harder actually because i feel it so rarely...ton of bricks comes to mind......my positive i can glean ...it doesnt happen to me once in a blue moon.... and its rare...now i just have to deal with the fact i cant control what i feel ...by over exercising and walking all the time i can control what i do to my body just not what i feel or the fact his heart belongs to someone else and that was verified by a mutual friend....thats killer....i have to accept that..working on it....i am shutting up now.....its getting real.....deb
Author edgygirl Posted December 31, 2012 Author Posted December 31, 2012 long distance relationships rarely work, but i would go NC and let him come to you if its meant to be You're probably right. My last LTR didn't work in the beginning and we stopped talking for 3 months until he came back and said I was the most interesting person he met by far on the dating site. I personally don't have experience with an 'almost' relationship but I can imagine what may help is to focus on the downsides to being with the guy. Had you become a couple those downsides may have caused bigger issues down the line. Things happen for a reason and you could have easily dodged a huge bullet. Focusing on the good things won't help you at all. Thanks Pyro. It certainly wouldn't be easy given he's so busy and we're long distance. He's also quite guarded so who knows how I would feel being with him. Good advice, was only thinking about the good things I missed. ...hits me harder actually because i feel it so rarely... Sorry to hear todreaminblue it's hard for people who never been through it to understand. Sometimes I feel it's even more difficult than a real breakup because we hardly experienced the good sides of a relationship. It's like we jump from excitement to pain. It's the same for me, it's really hard to find someone I'm interested in so when I do it's hard to let go without being able to try first. 1
todreaminblue Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 You're probably right. My last LTR didn't work in the beginning and we stopped talking for 3 months until he came back and said I was the most interesting person he met by far on the dating site. Thanks Pyro. It certainly wouldn't be easy given he's so busy and we're long distance. He's also quite guarded so who knows how I would feel being with him. Good advice, was only thinking about the good things I missed. Sorry to hear todreaminblue it's hard for people who never been through it to understand. Sometimes I feel it's even more difficult than a real breakup because we hardly experienced the good sides of a relationship. It's like we jump from excitement to pain. It's the same for me, it's really hard to find someone I'm interested in so when I do it's hard to let go without being able to try first. i bought my period on early edgy girl that is how much my emotions can affect me physically cant eat cant sleep, hormones go crazy.....ill share my chocky fondue with you you cant have my fluffy slippers though.....do you watch mr bean...ill put him on....smilin...im coping.....but it does affect me....i have a supportive family who are a bit over the top.....wonder where they get it from....do u like popcorn with butter or salt.....im gonna watch some movies soon or listen to soppy music in my cell(my room)..incarcerate myself with chocky fondue pot and lemon shortbread maybe some brie covered in chocky fondue and some elton john.make myself sick....lol..ill have to work it off for five hours...stuff it......hugs to ya....deb
crashvector Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 This is why sex is NOT to be taken lightly. all this "hook up" stuff only serves to hurt people in the end. Someone ALWAYS gets hurt. You are hurting despite the fact that you didnt really have a relationship because you are emotionally connected to him. NEVER underestimate the power of dopamine.
Author edgygirl Posted December 31, 2012 Author Posted December 31, 2012 This is why sex is NOT to be taken lightly. NEVER underestimate the power of dopamine. You are right. Lesson learned. We shouldn't have done it so soon. It wasn't supposed to be a hookup. Things got out of hand because we developed this affection after talking for 2 months, and this combined with the drinking... did not end well and hindered the relationship =(
Mme. Chaucer Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 I had experiences kind of like this twice - both in the distant past, so they did not stem from OLD and weren't carried on over long distances - but twice, I met guys, felt a huge connection, went to bed with them and then got the message that there was really nothing more to come. Those guys were not "using" me for sex. They did not fail to get into a relationship with me because we had sex. They were just going with the flow. I had more invested, on my own. And I shouldn't have had sex with those guys before I knew (as well as possible, anyway - there are misleaders and flip-floppers galore, men and women alike) where the guy and I were really heading together. Just to protect myself from the pain the situations caused me. I felt a lot of pain, and also hurt pride. But these things can be recovered from quickly if you are disciplined with yourself with regards to wallowing type behavior. No matter how many feelings happened, the whole thing was actually short lived and not too many episodes of life were shared. It can be left in your past after not too long a time. I promise.
Divasu Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 I'm glad you posted this edgygirl. Not many threads started by those with short term 'heartbreak' receive as much sympathy/support as those who have been together for much longer. You get the typical 'it was only a couple months, get over it' (while correct, it doesn't make it hurt any less...). I feel like I'm going over a breakup from a relationship that never existed. I feel so stupid. I feel I'm grieving over dreams and not a failed relationship. If you really fell for him and thought it would go further you’ve got every right to be upset. If you were physically intimate (which it sounds like you were), you feel 'slightly' more vulnerable emotionally because the relationship didn’t lead anywhere and was so brief. I've found coping best in terms of black/white thinking. By removing the emotional element (as hard as that may be) and instead, looking back on it more logically. And moving forward, logic first --emotion second. I don't know if that is the 'correct' way to handle it, but then again I don't know if there IS a 'correct' way to handle anything when it comes to matters of the heart.
flitzanu Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 I had a talk today with this guy I've been in touch for 3 months. He lives in another city and we met a month ago. Lots of attraction and amazing chemistry in bed, but although we are very similar in backgrounds, same age, social status and all, I think we did not manage to develop intellectual chemistry. I think he has some walls up. He said people usually tell him it's hard to read him. I agree. We had a few back and forth messages today and things ended. I am pissed that I saw so much potential and possibilities but that he gave up trying because of the distance and lack of energy to try it (he is doing medical training working 12 hour shifts 6 days a week). Our "relationship", although constant for 3 months, never really existed or took off although it could have if we both would open our hearts and allow for it to happen. It's so hard to meet someone remotely interesting and I'm sad to let him go and not know for sure if we could be good for each other or not. I feel like I'm going over a breakup from a relationship that never existed. I feel so stupid. Still it hurts. I miss talking with him and getting his messages every day. I feel I'm grieving over dreams and not a failed relationship. This is a first to me and I feel so sad. How can I cope better? sounds very clearly that you were into the idea more than he was. the fact he was unwilling to try, or "gave up" trying, that he didn't really care about making it work. that in itself should tell you he wasn't much of relationship material, and you'd deserve better. his loss, right?
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