AVR1962 Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 Went to a dinner party last night only to realize one of my husband's old flings was there. Husband told me this person might be there, was unsure but let me know that she had moved back to town....this was on the way to the party. This lady was a coworker and it was very obvious to me that my hsuband was very infatuated with the woman. I figured she probably was not nearly as taken with my husband and saw him as a friend but that didn't stop her from being very friendly. He would buy her candies for her desk, lots of chit chat back and forth in the offices. One dinner she was being all lovy and touchy with my husband, husband was not repsonding but it was unprofessionl and a bit over the top. After she moved she emailed my husband telling him she missed him. I asked my husband if he had sexual thoughts about this woman and he admitted her had but said that he never acted upon them and nothing was ever said about it. I did not take husband's last minute notice well and I wish now we woudl have just turned around and went home. About a half hour after we arrived this woman comes in, she and my husband hug and chat. The hostess, not knowing she and I knew each other, introduced us, we nod and then we ignore each other the rest of the evening. We actually did not stay long. I did not handle this well at all. I felt like such a fool. I so wanted to hurt this woman. I was angry at my husband. I wanted to cry. I was a mess. So, I need to know.....am I over reaction? Husband says it was nothing but what I saw and was aware of doesn't appear as nothing.
Radu Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 If it was nothing, why did she ignore you for the evening ?
NoMagicBullet Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 I don't think you are overreacting, but I'm a little unclear -- she was a coworker, she moved away, and she's back now. But she's not working with your husband again, is she? He's not buying her candies and such now? If so, they have definitely crossed a line. I'm sorry if you've posted elsewhere and I didn't catch the back story, but was this someone he had a fling with before you got together, or is this a woman he had previously cheated on you with? Either way, I don't think the hug was all that appropriate. I'm not saying to directly tell your husband what he can and can't do, but I think you need to be very clear that how he chooses to act around this woman and how honest he is with you about it can have dire consquences for his marriage. As for his thoughts of her -- don't ask about that. They're thoughts and you can't control them any more than he can control them. I'm sorry, but I think he lied when he said she "might" be at the party. I'm sure he knew she was going to be there (barring flat tires or other crises), and that's why he fessed up that she was back in town. He definitely should have given you more warning than on the way to the party. I think your biggest grievance is that he was witholding information from you and he was not looking out for your interests in having you unintentionally walk into a party where his ex-lover is present. He's your husband, and he should have your back better than that.
Oberfeldwebel Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 No Magic Bullet is correct, he intentionally put you in a bad situation. He set you up so that you would agree to go to the party, so that he could see old Sugar Britches again. Obviously in retrospect you should have said, turn the car around and just go home. He punked you here, this is not good, as this kind of manipulative behavior is usually not isolated. I think you need to investigate this further. Take a look at your phone bill and see who he has been talking to and when. If you find recurring numbers you don't know, look up the number to find out who it is. Find out if she is again working with him again. Does his phone have an application that you can see where he is at various times. Test to see if he is where he says he is at or if he has gaps of unaccountable time. Set firm boundaries that any further contact with her will have dire consequences. In the immortal words of Barney Fife "you need to nip it in the bud". 3
NoMagicBullet Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 Ol' Sugar Britches... I love it when we give the third parties in the stories interesting monikers. But you really had me at "nip it in the bud!" 2
GSB81 Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 How did he know she was going to be there? Im a bit unclear on something, did your husband just have a crush on her years ago or did they actually bump uglies?
2sunny Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 This is an old thread of yours... I get the feeling that husband sees himself as superior and all knowing, all witty, Mr Calm and pats himself on the back for how well he gets along with others. Yet, it is he who would not/could not talk to his ex. And if I did, then it fell on my shoulders. His sons got away with murder in our home and when I would talk to him about addressing issues he said he would and never did. I raised his children and he would tell me just to deal with the issues but as soon as I handled them he'd belittle my call. This is a man who I felt had no real interest in me while we were dating but when I aksed if his feelings were mutual he claimed they were, only to years later tell me that he was not sure of his feelings at the time. He never has invested himself. I persued, everything, I made the relationship and it was always struggle I was fighting with to get him involved yet he was persuing other women and engaging them in conversation, using his wit and humor on them to bloat his ego. When approached though, it was ll in my head.....again, until several years later when he finally admitted to emotional affairs and then said it as though he had the right because he was a man and this is just the way men think. If I did that garabge he would have divorced me. This is the reason he divorced his first wife. When his first grandchild was born I was not notified but husband was and didn't tell me. When I asked, 3 weeks later he fwd me the email from his son. What? They live 45 minutes away, nothing was said and he did nothing. I then contact SS's wife and congratulate her and let her know that I had just found out, she called me a liar. So I have tried and tried and I keep getting kicked in the pants. The latest is getting back from vacation husband unpacks his bags, gets on the computer and then says he has to go to the store. Uh, the grass needs mowed and we have LOTS to do before we go to work tomorrow, everything else can wait. He says this is my time-line and not his, and leaves. We live somewhere that rains alot so you have to mow in between rains so I had almost all the grass mowed before he got home. Talk about PO'd! I shoudl ahve left it for him but knowing hism the way I do, he would not have mowed the grass and then it would have rained again. I feel like I am in this constant booby-trap! He cheats! Question is - why do you stay?
Author AVR1962 Posted December 31, 2012 Author Posted December 31, 2012 I don't think you are overreacting, but I'm a little unclear -- she was a coworker, she moved away, and she's back now. But she's not working with your husband again, is she? He's not buying her candies and such now? If so, they have definitely crossed a line. I'm sorry if you've posted elsewhere and I didn't catch the back story, but was this someone he had a fling with before you got together, or is this a woman he had previously cheated on you with? Either way, I don't think the hug was all that appropriate. I'm not saying to directly tell your husband what he can and can't do, but I think you need to be very clear that how he chooses to act around this woman and how honest he is with you about it can have dire consquences for his marriage. As for his thoughts of her -- don't ask about that. They're thoughts and you can't control them any more than he can control them. I'm sorry, but I think he lied when he said she "might" be at the party. I'm sure he knew she was going to be there (barring flat tires or other crises), and that's why he fessed up that she was back in town. He definitely should have given you more warning than on the way to the party. I think your biggest grievance is that he was witholding information from you and he was not looking out for your interests in having you unintentionally walk into a party where his ex-lover is present. He's your husband, and he should have your back better than that. I actually feel the same way here.....I do feel husband was trying to protect himself by saying he didn't know if she would be at the dinner party. Otherwise is makes no sense why he would tell me know that she was back in town. I think he wanted so badly to see her again and that's why we went in the first place rather than him being unfront and telling he didn't think it was a good idea to attend and then letting me know she coudl be there. Yes exactly, not only was he withholding but my feelings were never a consideration and it hurts me really deep to realize this man is this heartless towards me. They no longer work together. Husband and I have been married 20 years, we are 50 and 52. She is approx the same age. This fling happened 7 years ago and ended because she had moved.
Author AVR1962 Posted December 31, 2012 Author Posted December 31, 2012 No Magic Bullet is correct, he intentionally put you in a bad situation. He set you up so that you would agree to go to the party, so that he could see old Sugar Britches again. Obviously in retrospect you should have said, turn the car around and just go home. He punked you here, this is not good, as this kind of manipulative behavior is usually not isolated. I think you need to investigate this further. Take a look at your phone bill and see who he has been talking to and when. If you find recurring numbers you don't know, look up the number to find out who it is. Find out if she is again working with him again. Does his phone have an application that you can see where he is at various times. Test to see if he is where he says he is at or if he has gaps of unaccountable time. Set firm boundaries that any further contact with her will have dire consequences. In the immortal words of Barney Fife "you need to nip it in the bud". You are right, this is not an isolated incident. This is the 3rd time in our marriage this sort of thing has happened with other women. Husband had quite a porn addiction, something he had counseling for but tends to lean towards fantasy relationship with other women while he ignores me entirely. It's not just the women. We are a step family and this deceit has carried over aspects of our lives. Stepson (29) was expecting baby. I asked about due dates but was told Aug. Third week in Aug rolls around and I realize we had not heard whetehr the baby was born. I ask husband if he heard anything. He tells me that he got an email from his son, the baby had been born 2 weeks previous but husband said nothing to me. I asked him why and I asked him why he didn't go to the hospital, stepson only lives an hour away. He told me he wanted his son to tell me himself. Really? So I email stepson's wife to congratulate her, told her I just heard the news, she calls me a liar, tells me I should have been there (don't know how that is possible without a due date), asks me what kind of a grandmotehr I am. Tells me that she will not deal with me again, to never email her and to only contact her husband. Husband never said a word to his son to try to correct all this. I did write hr back and I did explain that I had no due date, I was not asked to be with her and I was not told the baby was born. But this type of behavior is common for husband. He has been diganosed with passive-aggressive personality and was in counseling for awhile but I am not sure it made a difference.
Author AVR1962 Posted December 31, 2012 Author Posted December 31, 2012 How did he know she was going to be there? Im a bit unclear on something, did your husband just have a crush on her years ago or did they actually bump uglies? I do not believe this was ever a sexual affair and infact I do not think the woman had feeling for my husband the way he had feelings for her.
Author AVR1962 Posted December 31, 2012 Author Posted December 31, 2012 This is an old thread of yours... He cheats! Question is - why do you stay? Thanks for the remided. Yes, it has been a long road of hurt and I think the only reason I have stayed has been to keep my youngest (our only) from dealing with a divorce. This is my second marriage and I have 2 daughters who went thru a great deal becasue of their dad and my divorce and I have not wanted to put this child thru the same.
2sunny Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 I do not believe this was ever a sexual affair and infact I do not think the woman had feeling for my husband the way he had feelings for her. That doesn't matter. You are settling - meanwhile your H doesn't connect with you, support you, tell you things to make you feel a part of his life, earn your trust or even be a decent human being. You're harming your child more than helping - because just by staying you are modeling what your child will duplicate in that marriage when grown. You are showing your child that the unacceptable is acceptable - by the example you show . That's sad. 1
Author AVR1962 Posted December 31, 2012 Author Posted December 31, 2012 That doesn't matter. You are settling - meanwhile your H doesn't connect with you, support you, tell you things to make you feel a part of his life, earn your trust or even be a decent human being. You're harming your child more than helping - because just by staying you are modeling what your child will duplicate in that marriage when grown. You are showing your child that the unacceptable is acceptable - by the example you show . That's sad. You are completely right. I realized that no matter how much I want change, how much I want things to work, no matter how much I put into this relationship, it cannot work if I do not have a willing partner. I also realize that now with this woman back in town I have no idea if he will be sneaking off for private luncheons or to see movies with her, OR if there will be anotehr new fames that comes into the picture. I also realize that it is all a matter of time that something like this or similiar will happen yet again because the man has no ability to show me respect, love or committment. I have been in tears, not sleeping and trying to find peace thru walks to try and clear my head. This hurt probably was the deepest of them all and I realize I am going to lose my sanity or my health if I do not stop it now. I cannot control him but I can decided what I am going to do. This morning I asked my husband for a seperation, I think it is the only option left. I have to move on, I can no longer live like this. Last night as I layed in bed I let him go, I released him. I think it is just a matter sorting out the details and trying to move fwd in my own life now. I will have issues to work thru financially as my health has been porr for the past 2 years. I do not feel I will lose friends as I have very solid friendships but there will be no more going out with couples and having couples over to share time in the hot tub or go on vacations with but I guess there has to be these changes in order to move on. Clinging to the past and clinging to what was compatable for us both will not resolve anything and I have to move on. I never want to be humiliated like I was Sat night at the dinner party.
NoMagicBullet Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 Thank you for the extra insight, and I'm so glad you've found the courage to start with a separation. I hope it works out well and being away from him helps you start feeling better and stronger. And hopefully he'll see the separation as a good thing for him -- gives him a green light to go after Ol' Sugar Britches -- won't give you too much passive-aggressive BS. I do feel for your daughter, but I agree with 2sunny that it's better for her and everyone in the long run. I'd just add that before one person leaves the house (you or him, whichever), have your ducks in a row: get all your important documents together, and if there's copies of anything that would go toward proof of or would refute various claims on either side (infidelity, fit parenting, finances, whatever) should things reach the divorce stage, get copies now before it's gone. It's hard, but try to think ahead to worst case scenario and protect yourself. Wishing you all the best in starting anew, AVR1962. 2
ChessPieceFace Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 You are right, this is not an isolated incident. This is the 3rd time in our marriage this sort of thing has happened with other women. Husband had quite a porn addiction, something he had counseling for but tends to lean towards fantasy relationship with other women while he ignores me entirely. I don't understand all the facets of your situation but I do have some general pieces of advice I hope you take to heart: 1.) Don't let advice from idiots on an internet forum ruin your marriage. It's easy for people here to say "END IT" over the smallest thing and they often do. Most of the time it's terrible advice and they should be ashamed that they say it so easily. To these people your life and marriage are just words on a screen. Most of them have no comprehension of the possible consequences of their advice. 2.) Men have sexual fantasies. Men look at porn. While both of those can certainly be detrimental when taken to a certain degree, if you have zero tolerance for either of those things, YOU have a problem. Men aren't bad for wanting and thinking about sex. It's our nature. He had a fantasy and was honest about his FANTASY. Would it be better if he had lied? Not in my book. You shouldn't condemn someone for cheating based only on suspicion, unless he has actually cheated in the past. I have a zero-tolerance policy on cheating, but fantasy isn't cheating. 3.) You listed some things that do seem to be concerning. Mainly on his side of it but also in how YOU are reacting to things and assuming things. I would seriously suggest marriage counseling. Only if that fails would I pursue a separation. 4.) Only way to know if he is cheating is to hire a PI or get a really smart and devious friend to follow him around. It's pretty horrible to resort to that but it's still better than condemning someone and ruining a marriage based on suspicion.
NoMagicBullet Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 Um, ChessPieceFace, there was also him consistently undermining her parenting, him setting her up in a conflict with the stepson & his wife and not helping her resolve the misunderstanding he caused, among other instances of him not being invested in the marriage. Marriage counseling would only be useful if this man agreed to go and wanted save his marriage. To me, it sounds like he just doesn't care. I wouldn't expect him to attend, but it's something AVR1962 & he could consider, if they are both willing. Anyway, AVR1962 is only pursuing separation at this point. Given all the things that have gone on, it's not necessarily a bad idea.
2sunny Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 I don't understand all the facets of your situation but I do have some general pieces of advice I hope you take to heart: 1.) Don't let advice from idiots on an internet forum ruin your marriage. It's easy for people here to say "END IT" over the smallest thing and they often do. Most of the time it's terrible advice and they should be ashamed that they say it so easily. To these people your life and marriage are just words on a screen. Most of them have no comprehension of the possible consequences of their advice. 2.) Men have sexual fantasies. Men look at porn. While both of those can certainly be detrimental when taken to a certain degree, if you have zero tolerance for either of those things, YOU have a problem. Men aren't bad for wanting and thinking about sex. It's our nature. He had a fantasy and was honest about his FANTASY. Would it be better if he had lied? Not in my book. You shouldn't condemn someone for cheating based only on suspicion, unless he has actually cheated in the past. I have a zero-tolerance policy on cheating, but fantasy isn't cheating. 3.) You listed some things that do seem to be concerning. Mainly on his side of it but also in how YOU are reacting to things and assuming things. I would seriously suggest marriage counseling. Only if that fails would I pursue a separation. 4.) Only way to know if he is cheating is to hire a PI or get a really smart and devious friend to follow him around. It's pretty horrible to resort to that but it's still better than condemning someone and ruining a marriage based on suspicion. If you made effort to read some of her prior threads - the history of the M may help in your assessment.
Recommended Posts