marianne123 Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 aarrgghh why is this? why does she get a say in everything; can hardly put a finger wrong and I'm always wrong? If I object to our children staying with her (she is maried, it's just that he, her hubby, doesn't get much of a look in) then my dh (dear?!!) says i'm selfish. 'She enjoys having them, y' know'. Well so do I, they are my children. I'm tired of this, I've had ten years of it; it's almost like Charlotte from sex n the city and her ex - Trey with his mum, Bunny lol It's making me hate her because she is respected so highly above me. We have much bigger issues but this is the one that is currently such a huge issue.
alexandria35 Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 I don't understand? Why do you object to your kids visiting his mother? I understand that you miss them while they are gone but that's not a good reason to keep them from their grandmother and if that's the only reason you have then it does sound kind of selfish. If you have other issues then you need to pick your battles wisely. If you turn everything into a battle then you won't win any battles.
Radu Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 I think the OP's beef with her MIL is deeper than that alexandria. Would help if she got into detail.
Author marianne123 Posted December 31, 2012 Author Posted December 31, 2012 MIL has the children every sunday and more often than not saturday night to sunday night. Over xmas she has seen them every two or three days. If I suggest that they miss a sunday due to us visiting the coast or somewhere then there is usally an argument. The children's friends see their grandparents every month or less and sometimes our children just don't feel like going to see them so regularly. I also don't understand why husband doesn't want to be with them at the weekend after working all week. I really do feel that she has more say in all matters than i do; such a 'leader' in everything and the only family member that husband is scared to answer back to. It's eating me up inside, it really is.
RedHead33 Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 I wish my mother or MIL is interested in taking kids for a sleepover or having them over on regular basis so I can have a break and have some time alone with my husband. So you should be very great full. But you problem doesnt lie with kids being there, its the fact that you dont like her and you are looking for everything and anything to complain about her. So step back, stop complaining about her and eventually you will see that your husband might not like things that she does. Every man that has at least decent relationship with his mother will not let his wife constantly complain about his mother. You might not like who your MIL is, but she is set in her ways, just like you are as an adult so either accept it or get moving. Your husband knows everything you are saying, so stop bickering.
Author marianne123 Posted December 31, 2012 Author Posted December 31, 2012 to an extent, yes, they both can be fairly reasonable but it's decisions as a whole that I'm unhappy about for example when we say how we'd like the kids to raised by appreciating the value of money and to only buy gifts on special occasions but she just goes her own way and buys them anyway, always an excuse, the latest one being that there were things free with the magazine so she bought it for them! We've been telling her not to do this for a very long time but our wishes aren't respected. My problem is mainly with husband though and how he respects her and I'm shouted at if ever anything goes wrong when they are around, yup, even if it isn't my fault. He has been spoiled by her up until a late age, although not in a material way. The kids see that my decisions aren't listened to and I feel I'm losing my self esteem. MIL is happy when all sons and their families are all around and she can feel busy and appreciated; suppose it's too quiet for her with just herself and her husband. I don't dislike her, she is kind and has a great sense of humour, I just think that she's manipulative and I just can't accept how things are. She takes over and is very attentive to the kids but I feel as if my opinions don't count when she's around.
Author marianne123 Posted January 1, 2013 Author Posted January 1, 2013 Red head 33, no, afraid you don't understand. I DO appreciate my mil having the kids but what i don't want is them becoming spoiled or being brought up in her way; they have seen more of her than of me this holiday and that can't be right! I also wish that you had help from your mum/mil, it must be so hard for you. My husband doesn't always agree with me when I tell him how i feel about this but when he DOES get around to trying to reason with her she really doesn't like it and becomes ultra sensitive which results in him finding it hard to confront her again. Too bad tho' if i'm ever sensitive - I still have the same treatment from him and i'm told I'm being too sensitive. Same old thing - his mum gets the special treatment. 1
Nyla Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 Help from a MIL should not include being intrusive or overbearing. I don't think that taking the kids once in a while is anything like the OP's situation. Why should marrianne "stop bickering" if she is not happy with the situation? Are her MIL's wishes more important? Her husband is not married to his mother and spouses have to come first. My husband and I are not close to our mothers because they are not very nice and they are too controlling, along with being draining and negative. We take each other's side at all times and we both allow feelings to be freely expressed and respected. My MIL is a very jealous and hateful woman. She makes rude comments from time to time and she hates that her two DIL's have happier marriages than she does. My husband responds to my hurt feelings with gentle understanding. He also said that we never have to stay at her home again when we visit because of how uncomfortable I am being there. My MIL makes snide remarks about my weight, my snoring and the way I like to dress. (She thinks I dress too nicely and spend too much of her son's money on clothes. Heaven forbid I should put myself together! Idiot. ) If my husband took his mother's side all the time, I don't think I could stay with him. 1
Author marianne123 Posted January 3, 2013 Author Posted January 3, 2013 oh poor you, Nyla, I really couldn't cope with anything like that, both mothers rude and disrespectful. My MIL is so much more discreet with her controlling manner. We would love the kids to know that their being spoilt only happens when with grandparents but we know from experience that when they arrive home they are rowdier and giddier and don't seem settled with their normal routine, eg. preferring to be on the computer to playing outside in the fresh air. When they are treated to magazines, toys, books etc by MIL - they expect that when home. We make the boundaries clear but they are always broken by her; it's a simple enough request to not buy them anything for a while but it seems she just doesn't listen to us. I think husband will always be this way, he will always respect her more; she puts him in his place quickly and his occasional opinions don't upset her as she doesn't live with him; as for ME - I DO live with him and have to cope with being upset. He always says I'm being over sensitive, won't accept that it hurts me.
Nyla Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 oh poor you, Nyla, I really couldn't cope with anything like that, both mothers rude and disrespectful. My MIL is so much more discreet with her controlling manner. We would love the kids to know that their being spoilt only happens when with grandparents but we know from experience that when they arrive home they are rowdier and giddier and don't seem settled with their normal routine, eg. preferring to be on the computer to playing outside in the fresh air. When they are treated to magazines, toys, books etc by MIL - they expect that when home. We make the boundaries clear but they are always broken by her; it's a simple enough request to not buy them anything for a while but it seems she just doesn't listen to us. I think husband will always be this way, he will always respect her more; she puts him in his place quickly and his occasional opinions don't upset her as she doesn't live with him; as for ME - I DO live with him and have to cope with being upset. He always says I'm being over sensitive, won't accept that it hurts me. It's quite alright. It helps that my in-laws are a sixteen hour drive away. Your MIL should stick to your parenting rules because she is not raising your kids. Maybe marriage counseling could be helpful. Your husband is having a hard time shifting his allegiance to you rather than his mother.
Author marianne123 Posted January 3, 2013 Author Posted January 3, 2013 thanks for the support, Nyla. Marriage counselling? hmmm..we've been there done that and the effort doesn't last long, things go back to how they used to be.
Radu Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 oh poor you, Nyla, I really couldn't cope with anything like that, both mothers rude and disrespectful. My MIL is so much more discreet with her controlling manner. We would love the kids to know that their being spoilt only happens when with grandparents but we know from experience that when they arrive home they are rowdier and giddier and don't seem settled with their normal routine, eg. preferring to be on the computer to playing outside in the fresh air. When they are treated to magazines, toys, books etc by MIL - they expect that when home. We make the boundaries clear but they are always broken by her; it's a simple enough request to not buy them anything for a while but it seems she just doesn't listen to us. I think husband will always be this way, he will always respect her more; she puts him in his place quickly and his occasional opinions don't upset her as she doesn't live with him; as for ME - I DO live with him and have to cope with being upset. He always says I'm being over sensitive, won't accept that it hurts me. Boundaries for children are great. I stayed with my granparents for 2yrs and a few summers, and they totally destroyed the boundaries my parents set in place. Didn't take care of me, etc ... My sister recovered during School/HS. I didn't, messed me up for a long time. It's incredible how much damage an 'adult' can do to a child at 6-7yrs old. Go and talk to someone, a psychiatrist who specialises in children. See how you can compensate for this disruptive influence [she is disrupting your relationship with your children]. Then go into MC with your husband because what he is doing right now is treason in a way. He is betraying his marriage and his children to his mom. I hate to say this but you married a momma's boy, an underdeveloped adult. I hope you can get it across to him that your marriage and children are riding on this one.
stillafool Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 Sorry OP but you know how most men are about their mothers. They think their moms are angels and no woman can compare to them. As far as your kids are concerned you are the boss and if you don't want them to spend weekends at your MILs, simply tell your husband NO. Most grandparents shower their grandkids with presents so this is pretty normal. Just don't let the kids go over there. You are their mother and you make the rules.
Author marianne123 Posted January 9, 2013 Author Posted January 9, 2013 MIL is butting in yet again! Aaarrgghh. Now she is offering to take one of the kids to his sporting event during the week as dad is on business for a few months on this particular day. Have told husband how i feel and he says he understands but his business is important. She will bond with our child even more now and I'll feel that I'm not heard, she will be listened to. I don't know how much longer I can fake this; I just want her to stop being so controlling. Funny thing is - she thinks she's doing a massive favour and she is for husband - but not for me.
Author marianne123 Posted January 14, 2013 Author Posted January 14, 2013 oh I'm sorry, Alexandria, guess I'm not very good at typing down what i really mean, expect people to know all the details. It goes back so many years and started when the child was a newborn baby, it's hard to explain in a short message. MIL has always bonded lot more with one child more than the other and that hurts me, always made more effort with that child's interest than the other. I feel when the child she bonds with returns to me after being with her....they have changed, doesn't behave, is more disruptive shall we say.Feel as if all my hard parenting work is undone. There is a huge difference in the kids when they don't visit and i must admit I feel bad saying this as she is helpful but is also very controlling. I suppose I'll just have to live with it as I'm not willing to tell anyone in the family how i feel apart from husband as I would be seen as paranoid or selfish. It's been said that i push her away but...that's just my nature, I just find her a little too overwhelming, can only cope with a little at a time of her personality. She has other grandchildren so don't see why she has to see ours every weekend. I don't think i'm being unreasonable. I wouldn't stop my kids going to their events for anything no matter what, I would just grin and bare it, wouldn't show my feelings. Anyway, the 'business' isn't happening now but you can bet your cotton socks that MIL will still be taking child to event, I could be wrong but doubt it.
Author marianne123 Posted January 15, 2013 Author Posted January 15, 2013 no need to apologise for the story, it's interesting to hear similar problems. I think my MIL favours this child in particular as her children are the same sex; she even told me she preferred this sex before my kids were born. She tries to conceal it by saying my other child prefers to be with my FIL. HE seems to get on with both of them and as i think about this...it could be happening with her other grandchildren too, maybe on a smaller scale tho'. MIL is a good woman in general though, it's just difficult living with the power thing; she is a woman who likes to lead the way.
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