Divasu Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 Thank you, but I feel SO ashamed of myself. I have faced down men TWICE my size in the ring and felt not one moment of fear. Yet, this tiny woman scares the HELL out of me. That tiny woman who has my heart in her hands.......has been able to hurt me more than ANY fighter ever could. You're giving her too much power. Hey, you should just go get your bike and not even tell her!
geegirl Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 Five years is a long time. There will be a lot of triggers that will zap you every minute of the day. I gave myself a week or so to grieve and to just lay on the bed and "die" so to speak. But then I had to get over it and move. Give yourself a week, Crash to pop vessels, to puke, to lay on the ground in a puddle. Vent here. Talk to your family. Have you thought of speaking to a grief counselor. I volunteer at a hospice and there are times we see people suffering not so much from death but losing a loved one, use the services to find coping skills to manage their pain. If anything, you get to purge your thoughts and feelings. Feels like a punch in the gut when they go one like nothing ever happened. I'm amazed that she is at dance class. Makes me wonder if she saw this coming long before and was detaching.
Author crashvector Posted December 30, 2012 Author Posted December 30, 2012 You're giving her too much power. Hey, you should just go get your bike and not even tell her! I can't. If her kids are there it wouldnt be good. I loved her kids like they were my own. Besides, i wouldnt want to make her even more mad than she is. On top of THAT...I'm always sensitive to other people's feelings, and wouldn't want to make it harder for HER either...although I'm not really sure why I feel I should be so concerned about HER feelings right now.... She's obviously..OBVIOUSLY...doing far better than I am.
Author crashvector Posted December 30, 2012 Author Posted December 30, 2012 Five years is a long time. There will be a lot of triggers that will zap you every minute of the day. I gave myself a week or so to grieve and to just lay on the bed and "die" so to speak. But then I had to get over it and move. Give yourself a week, Crash to pop vessels, to puke, to lay on the ground in a puddle. Vent here. Talk to your family. Have you thought of speaking to a grief counselor. I volunteer at a hospice and there are times we see people suffering not so much from death but losing a loved one, use the services to find coping skills to manage their pain. If anything, you get to purge your thoughts and feelings. Feels like a punch in the gut when they go one like nothing ever happened. I'm amazed that she is at dance class. Makes me wonder if she saw this coming long before and was detaching. I think its her way of coping or something...but yeah. Hearing that she was at ballroom dance class without me less than three days after she called off our engagement REALLY hurts..... that was something WE shared together as a couple. We were learning how to dance so that we could dance together at our wedding....so we could take a cruise together and go to the different ballrooms and dance together. We had even won a trophy for our salsa dance routine before. I'm a martial artist..NOT a dancer...but I tried VERY hard to learn this new skill because I knew it would make her happy...and it DID. Every week she would squeeze my hand and say "Dancing with you is always SO much fun. How about we go home, take a shower, and spend some time getting naked together?" with this twinkle in her eye...followed by a sweet, gentle kiss. To know that she was able to just.....forget....SO easily....not only does it feel like a knife in the heart, but it feels like she's twisting it, too. I never knew what people meant when they said they felt "broken", but I sure as hell know now....I just wish I never learned.
geegirl Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 I don't think she has forgotten but I do feel that she was detaching from the relationship some time ago and she had time to break that emotional attachment. I'm sure she remembers the times she had with you, just not with that emotional veil. When I said it reminded me of my divorce, I meant it reminded me of the dream I had that never came to pass. But yes, I had my chance at it but it evaded you. It hurts much more to never have experienced it. You sound like a lovely man, Crash and I know that any woman would want to have a man like you. While it seems like all is lost, this too shall pass and it won't always be this way. Yes, you are broken right now. The pain is just something you have to face. The only way past is through.
na49 Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 I've seen your story, and I just want to say I'm sorry for everything you've had to deal with. You're definitely strong enough to beat this if you want to beat this. It's all on you now. It's almost like they have died. They're reborn again, but as someone new. cold. and someone who doesn't love us anymore. Someone who will never love us the way that they used to. You'll have good days and bad days, today you might feel great and say "screw her! I don't need her!" then tomorrow you'll wake up depressed and playing twenty questions with yourself, wondering what she's up to and if she misses you. It happens to all of us. Today I'm feeling great, like I don't need my ex, loving my decision to block her number so she can never bother me again. Yesterday, I felt like crap, just wishing I could hear from her. Who knows what I'll feel like in a few hours or tomorrow. It's a real roller coaster of emotions that we go through. Take as long as you need to get your bike back, but don't put it off for too long. It will be one of your last links to her, and you need to cut all links to start healing. It's no surprise that you wonder what she's up to. You loved her, you don't just stop loving her over night. You may never stop "loving her" but does the idea of her being successful and loving life without you hurt? If it does, you may not really "love her" like you used to.
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