geegirl Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 What goes through their mind when they do it? Do they think anything at all? Or is simply becasue they dont give two ****s? I don't know what goes through their mind. It didn't change no matter how much I asked for better communication. I do know that it was done to gain control. While I sat with anxiety and confusion, he sat back and let silence teach me never to upset him. I'm not sure about your bf, but if your communication doesn't change after this, it would be best to get out.
Author TaintedHeart Posted December 30, 2012 Author Posted December 30, 2012 If it happens again, he will never hear from me again. I won't be made to feel like this again. I think I've felt every emotion today and its worn me out. My current emotion is guilt. No idea. That with a pounding headache.
Simon Phoenix Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 I think both of you are in the wrong. You shouldn't have been fishing for him to say something specific (I LOATHE when women do this, huge pet peeve. If he didn't want you to be there he wouldn't have asked. Make a decision). If you wanted to go, you should have just said yes instead of fishing for an answer. That was a pretty immature thing to do. Then again, I think he's being a bit childish in his reaction. While I don't agree with how you handled it at all, he's acting like a petulant butthurt jerk in not returning your texts. While what you did wasn't cool, it's not nearly as huge of a thing as he's making it out to be. He needs to get over himself. 1
Author TaintedHeart Posted December 30, 2012 Author Posted December 30, 2012 Its just gotten way out of hand, and he will carry this on for days/weeks, who knows! Maybe he is just using this as an excuse not to talk to me...I'm thinking too much. 'I will send you the money, until then leave me alone' This stings so much...
HurtinUnit Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 This was a no win situation... You told him you wouldn't be comfortable if the place was full, well he tells you everyone is going to be there and that it's still up to you. You then tell him it's up to him. He already KNOWS you won't be comfortable, and therefor if he tells you to go and you're miserable and shy and uncomfy the whole time he's going to be responsible because he told you to go. You know he wanted you there because he invited you. Here's the thing, his sisters and their SO's will be there too, he's going solo. That probably made him a little sad as everyone else has their partners and he obviously wanted to spend the holiday with his too. Guys DO NOT invite girls home to meet their whole family and mix the two if THEY DON'T WANT TO. He made the effort and probably feels quite dejected. If it were me, I would be apologizing to ying yang IF I wanted the relationship. Don't get me wrong though, I sympathize completely with how you felt, I am not a social butterfly and would also have been incredibly uncomfortable with a situation like that too... 1
Simon Phoenix Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 Its just gotten way out of hand, and he will carry this on for days/weeks, who knows! Maybe he is just using this as an excuse not to talk to me...I'm thinking too much. 'I will send you the money, until then leave me alone' This stings so much... All I can say is learn from this, be it with him or whoever. Don't fish for reactions. If you are asked to do something and you want to do it, say yes and leave the drama out of it. While you can't control his stupidity, you can certainly control yours.
Author TaintedHeart Posted December 30, 2012 Author Posted December 30, 2012 All I can say is learn from this, be it with him or whoever. Don't fish for reactions. If you are asked to do something and you want to do it, say yes and leave the drama out of it. While you can't control his stupidity, you can certainly control yours. It wasn't drama that I wanted, all I needed was my boyfriend to say that he wanted me there. If it were the othe way round I would have said something like 'Yes, I want you to come silly!' And that would be that. Like Tara said, he knew it wasn't a good idea for me to go but he just didn't want to say so.
OJ loved Nicole Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 I only needed him to say 'Yes! Of course I do' You said it yourself, you "need" a real man, a man who is willing to set the tone and take the lead. He's proven to you he can't do that. You shouldn't have to play a guessing game with his needs and wants, he does not posses the skill set to clearly communicate them to you. He is a child, he's playing childish games, he's hurt you enough to bring you here to post. If he's acting this way after 4 months, what do you think the rest of your relationship will consist of? Leave this child and find a man you don't have to play these games with, wonder what he wants or what he's thinking, be ignored for crossing his boundaries.
Simon Phoenix Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 It wasn't drama that I wanted, all I needed was my boyfriend to say that he wanted me there. If it were the othe way round I would have said something like 'Yes, I want you to come silly!' And that would be that. Like Tara said, he knew it wasn't a good idea for me to go but he just didn't want to say so. By asking you, he's saying he wants you there. You added drama when it wasn't necessary and committed one of the biggest pet peeves that men have about women. Of course, he's continued to add to the drama by acting like a baby since, but you didn't help manners at all. You screwed up, and he screwed up.
Author TaintedHeart Posted December 31, 2012 Author Posted December 31, 2012 Well this is new to me. Didn't think a simple question would turn into a drama. It was a simple question, I was feeling ****ty and needed reminding that he wanted me there. I shall never be a girl again.
TaraMaiden Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 In my experience, most questions are answered by the first page. Threads that go on and on, usually expand, diversify and go off-topic. I think it's safe to say this one definitely expanded....
Author TaintedHeart Posted December 31, 2012 Author Posted December 31, 2012 Probably. Though I take in every opinion
Simon Phoenix Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 Well this is new to me. Didn't think a simple question would turn into a drama. It was a simple question, I was feeling ****ty and needed reminding that he wanted me there. I shall never be a girl again. Lesson learned. If a guy asks you to go somewhere with him, it means he wants you to be there. We're pretty simple creatures for the most part.
Oberfeldwebel Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 It appears that this communication all occurred over text messaging. It is ok for quick easy answers, but nothing as complex as this, as it leads to miss understandings of what the other person was thinking. Next time just dial the phone and talk to the man. He invited you to his home, so of course he wanted you there, why do you need validation? Quit being needy. You had already told him you didn't want to go full house, he can't tell his siblings they can't come. You needed to just say yes or no. That way it probably appeared to him in the text was if he says yes and you don't like it there he will catch the dickens and get blamed. Now that may not be true from your part, but I can see how he would get that impression from a short text. Next time I recommend that if you didn't want to stay at the house, get a motel and rent a car to get around. If funds were not available then you didn't have to go. Actually, what I think you should have done instead is to say "oh what the heck" and just jumped in with both feet. You would have learned what the family is like in all its glory. If the experience was good, then you would have been aces with BF family, always a good thing. If it would have been a bust and you could have dumped the Barney by MLK Day and saved yourself a lot of time. It was only a few days, don't be so afraid to live life.
Author TaintedHeart Posted December 31, 2012 Author Posted December 31, 2012 So I still haven't heard from him. And I don't think I will for a very long time, he is taking this way too far. I'm getting to the point of thinking that he isn't even mad with what happend anymore, I just don't think he cares.
Keenly Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 Did you leave him a voicemail asking for the nonsense to stop and that you don't want to fight? is it possible he forgot his phone charger?
Author TaintedHeart Posted December 31, 2012 Author Posted December 31, 2012 He doesn't have his voice mail set up on his phone. I text him last night as mentioned. I made it clear in the text that I don't want to argue. Nope, he has his charger. He told me to leave him alone until he sends me the money. What does that even mean? Why does he need all that time? And apart from me letting him know that the money has arrived, will that be it?
Author TaintedHeart Posted December 31, 2012 Author Posted December 31, 2012 He doesn't have his voice mail set up on his phone. I text him last night as mentioned. I made it clear in the text that I don't want to argue. Nope, he has his charger. He told me to leave him alone until he sends me the money. What does that even mean? Why does he need all that time? And apart from me letting him know that the money has arrived, will that be it?
Allumere Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 Oh for Pete sakes....classic example of not being able to communicate results in not getting what you want. You had an expectation that wasn't met and instead of discussing it or letting it go look where things are. DON"T SET PEOPLE UP...it sucks and is unfair and honestly, who is really hurting in the end. If you needed something then you should have communicated it! And the whole NC thing is so friggin childish at this point...you both deserve to be alone and miserable because you know what...it didnt have to be this way. Just as you are upset that he didnt make a big to-do over you coming how did you think he felt when you put on the tap shoes about staying with him....it was probably a huge deal to him, hanging with his family and all and you only thought about yourself. I get it...only child here and overwhelmed when a lot of people are around but I can tell you if someone I cared about made that offer I would have sucked it up and gone and been really touched to be included. Pull on the big girl britches, contact him and have a conversation like adults. I have been dumb too thats why I am being so harsh here...really is no good reason for it!
Zahara Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 Just coming off a break-up. Why is it when we see a huge red flag, we keep trying to question why it's red instead of realizing that it's not a favorable sign and it may be time to let go? Moving forward in your relationship, everytime you have a disagreement, this is how he will handle it. There is no two way communication in your relationship. Just one way. That in itself will be it's downfall. If I kept silent on my partner, I'd be worried that I may lose him or he may walk away. He doesn't seem to really care. Bottom line, if there is a miscommunication, you can always fix it. This wasn't such a big issue that it requires days of silence. There is no need for power plays and for drama to be dragged on this long.
Author TaintedHeart Posted December 31, 2012 Author Posted December 31, 2012 I want to talk. He is ignoring me. I've reached out, still no reply. I don't think you've read it properly to be honest.
Allumere Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 You are correct..I had read...left and came back to post so missed some updates. Then you have opened the door so its now up to him to man-up. But reality is it should have never gotten to this point. Look we are all guilty of this to some degree or another (and I'm sensitive to it because I was tested and set up many times and was clueless as can be). Seriously, it is so much easier to address things right when they occur than to stew. He made the mistake of playing the nice guy and letting you off the hook when he should have told you "hey I understand that this is probably overwhelming to you but it would mean a great deal to me if you could come. You are awesome and I want them to see that. Any suggestions on what would make you more comfortable?" And you should have called him out as well..live and learn. Trust me I am still learning. Expectations are the killer of more relationship than not.
Recommended Posts