Limbo

[TaraMaiden]

Then do so - refer to my posts above.

 

What other choice do you have?

It's either sit and make yourself miserable for the duration, or strut your stuff, throw your head back, keep your chin up and cry "Phukket! I'm off for some FUN!!"

 

Right now, I'd put my mind into the 'it's his loss!' frame, and deal with dealing with it, later....

[beyond]

I would do that but he's ignoring my texts and calls and has told me to leave him alone...

 

One last text/voicemail.....

 

"Honey, we have both misunderstood each other. I don't want this. I want to be with you and I don't care how many people are in the house as long as you are there. Please call me back tonight and I can let you know my travel plans xx"

 

If he doesn't answer tonight then make other plans.

 

Sometimes you just have to be the bigger person and reach out

[TaraMaiden]

Oh god no... please don't beg....

Let this one lie for a few days and catch up when you've both had a chance to calm down a bit.

 

This time of year is always stressful when it comes to family gatherings/relationships and the like.

 

You are no exception.

Go silent, then see how things go when he gets back.

 

Honestly, don't agonise....

[geegirl]

I would do that but he's ignoring my texts and calls and has told me to leave him alone...

 

If he's ignoring, then stop. Make plans. The silent treatment is cruel.

[TaintedHeart]

If he's ignoring, then stop. Make plans. The silent treatment is cruel.

 

What if hes waiting for me to say sorry? If I am in the wrong I don't deserve to be blanked

[beyond]

Oh god no... please don't beg....

Let this one lie for a few days and catch up when you've both had a chance to calm down a bit.

 

This time of year is always stressful when it comes to family gatherings/relationships and the like.

 

You are no exception.

Go silent, then see how things go when he gets back.

 

Honestly, don't agonise....

 

Lol, I don't think it's begging! I may be reading the op wrong but I don't think she has actually told him she WANTS to come (now he has a houseful), her last comment was something like 'well is it worth me coming' (sorry if I've got that wrong op but I'm tired.)

 

Yes, you could give him the 'silent treatment' and feel very self rightious about it all - but will that really make you happy?

 

I think this really is a case of 6 of one and half a dozen of another - they BOTH could have handled this better.

 

Anyway,maybe my thinking is off balance tonight. My beautiful sister will find out tomorrow if her cancer has returned, so right now I'd love my only worry to be if I should go to visit my bf for New years eve or not.

 

Right now, I'd say just go and give him the biggest hug ever - life is too short to waste these moments.

xx

[TaraMaiden]

Really - do you honestly think saying 'sorry' at this point would change anything?

 

And like I said - what exactly are you sorry for?

This isn't your fault!

 

I've read the thread - I know what you were asking of him.

You know what I believe?

 

he damn well knew it too.

 

While communication might be an issue, he's not thick, dense or dull.

And him being a jerk and not saying it - and this is the way I'd read it - is actually saying - "Well fine, don't come. if you're going to be uncomfortable with everyone there, maybe it's best you don't come."

 

I just think he didn't want to put himself in Jerk-village.....

[TaintedHeart]

No, its too late for me to go now. I know life is short, wish he had the same attitude

[TaintedHeart]

Really - do you honestly think saying 'sorry' at this point would change anything?

 

And like I said - what exactly are you sorry for?

This isn't your fault!

 

I've read the thread - I know what you were asking of him.

You know what I believe?

 

he damn well knew it too.

 

While communication might be an issue, he's not thick, dense or dull.

And him being a jerk and not saying it - and this is the way I'd read it - is actually saying - "Well fine, don't come. if you're going to be uncomfortable with everyone there, maybe it's best you don't come."

 

I just think he didn't want to put himself in Jerk-village.....

 

Sorry, I don't understand what you mean. I think all this has made me infact dense! What did he know?

[Keenly]

I don't think any of us can help you. I feel deceived. Either you aren't giving us the entire picture, or you intentionally left things out that you didn't want us to know.

 

 

 

That's the vibe I'm getting in here. Best of luck to you.

[TaintedHeart]

Really - do you honestly think saying 'sorry' at this point would change anything?

 

And like I said - what exactly are you sorry for?

This isn't your fault!

 

I've read the thread - I know what you were asking of him.

You know what I believe?

 

he damn well knew it too.

 

While communication might be an issue, he's not thick, dense or dull.

And him being a jerk and not saying it - and this is the way I'd read it - is actually saying - "Well fine, don't come. if you're going to be uncomfortable with everyone there, maybe it's best you don't come."

 

I just think he didn't want to put himself in Jerk-village.....

 

Oh I see. Yeah I thought that too to be honest. He didn't want to say what I needed to hear because he knew it wasn't a good idea for me to go but at the same time he didn't want to blow me off. So why is he mad? Got what he wanted didn't he?

[TaraMaiden]

he damn well knew that all you wanted him to say was "Yes of course I want you there!"

 

And he didn't say it.

Kept putting it back on you.

Neatly avoided stepping into jerkdom, buy putting the onus - and subsequent blame - on you.

 

How has your relationship been up to now?

is he controlling?

Undemonstrative?

Does he sulk if he doesn't get his way?

 

To tell the truth, how are you going to have sex with your GF - if she's uneasy about being in a house full of (your) relatives?

Damn, that sucks!

 

 

Maybe I'm jumping to conclusions.

Maybe I'm being unfair.

 

But I still think he knew what you were really asking him - and he side-stepped it.

[TaintedHeart]

I don't think any of us can help you. I feel deceived. Either you aren't giving us the entire picture, or you intentionally left things out that you didn't want us to know.

 

 

 

That's the vibe I'm getting in here. Best of luck to you.

 

I've written the entire argument.

[Keenly]

he damn well knew that all you wanted him to say was "Yes of course I want you there!"

 

And he didn't say it.

Kept putting it back on you.

Neatly avoided stepping into jerkdom, buy putting the onus - and subsequent blame - on you.

 

How has your relationship been up to now?

is he controlling?

Undemonstrative?

Does he sulk if he doesn't get his way?

 

To tell the truth, how are you going to have sex with your GF - if she's uneasy about being in a house full of (your) relatives?

Damn, that sucks!

 

 

Maybe I'm jumping to conclusions.

Maybe I'm being unfair.

 

But I still think he knew what you were really asking him - and he side-stepped it.

 

Are you reading the same stuff I am? She made the conscious decision not to go, and you guys are looking for reasons to blame him?

 

What the hell is wrong with this situation?

[TaraMaiden]

Where does it say - ok I'm not going to go then?

At no point did she say she didn't want to go.

 

At no point did she make the conscious decision to not go.

 

Where are you getting all this from?

[beyond]

I've been with my boyfriend for four months but we've known eachother for a year.

 

This is going to sound so childish but I need to get it out. I'm just going to tell you about the argument.

 

I was due to go to visit him and his family on Friday, was going to meet his parents for the first time and spend new years eve with them. He has two sisters. I told him from the get go that I wouldn't feel comfortable staying there if the house is full. He was fine with this and understood. So a day before I'm due to leave he calls me and tells me that his two sisters and their boyfriends will be staying. Then he went on to tell me that his car has broken down and that we won't be able to go anywhere for the whole week (He lives in the countryside by the way) I said something along the lines of 'Is there any point in me coming then?' Him: 'I dunno, its up to you, the whole situation has changed and if you're not going to feel comfortable then you don't have to come, I don't want the pressure!! Me: 'Well do you want me to come?, you dont sound too bothered, if you want me to then I will' Him: I'm not saying anything that will sway your decision' This really got me, I only needed him to say 'Yes! Of course I do'

I had a think and decided against going, I text him and he wrote back saying 'I'm going to bed' What the hell is that about? I woke up to a text the next morning saying 'This was your choice' ??!! So I just said it, I told him that all needed was for him to let me know that he still wanted me to go, and this was his reply 'I want you to come, but I'm not begging'' This made me crazy!

He was being a smart arse and I didn't like it. And the silent treatment started. I reached out and asked what was going on and he said that he told me he wanted me to come and that I kept changing the goal posts. Then he said this 'I will send you the money for the ticket, until then leave me alone'

 

And thats it, I've been left in limbo, and I hate it and I keep wanting to send angry texts! He has spoilt my new years eve.

 

Maybe I'm in the wrong, I don't know.... I don't even know if we've broken up. All sounds so mature!!!

 

 

Look, I certainly don't think this is all your bf's fault. He asked you in the first place - It's a big thing asking you to meet his family for the first time.

He asked you and you accepted but also said about your concerns about staying (fair enough ). Then he tells you the plans have changed, so he is considering your feelings about this - your response is to say ' is there anypoint in me coming then?'. Put yourself in his shoes? Doesn't exactly sound like you are keen does it? Plus he is now in a really awkward situation between his family and you. Ideally I'm sure he would like to see you both at this time of year.

 

You then say you decided not to go. Then got upset because your bf said that was your choice! When you asked him to tell you that he wanted you to go (even after you had said you weren't going!!) he actually said he wanted you to go!!! He then added 'but I'm not begging', which is a bit of a smart arse comment I agree, but jeez give him a break, he can't do right for doing wrong!!!!

[TaintedHeart]

He said he would be fine if I decided not to go, and when I asked if he wanted me to go he kept dodging the question, I didn't want him to beg. Like I said he said it will be fine if i decide not to go then when I do decide against it he plays the silent game.

[TaraMaiden]

You haven't answered my questions about your relationship...

 

 

This time of year is stressful when we're being yanked around by family and friends and we feel obligated - hell, I'm 55 and my mum still tries to mess with my mind - !

 

His situation was stressful and he was being childish and a jerk.

 

You were fishing. You probably made him feel uncomfortable, because this was his family you were talking about.

he might have taken it personally....

You decided you didn't want to go (I see it there now, didn't before) and he threw a sulk.

 

TBH, it could have been done better.

 

But now?

It's happened.

my advice still stands.

make plans for yourself and await his return/.contact.

Take it from there.

[TaintedHeart]

You haven't answered my questions about your relationship...

 

 

This time of year is stressful when we're being yanked around by family and friends and we feel obligated - hell, I'm 55 and my mum still tries to mess with my mind - !

 

His situation was stressful and he was being childish and a jerk.

 

You were fishing. You probably made him feel uncomfortable, because this was his family you were talking about.

he might have taken it personally....

You decided you didn't want to go (I see it there now, didn't before) and he threw a sulk.

 

TBH, it could have been done better.

 

But now?

It's happened.

my advice still stands.

make plans for yourself and await his return/.contact.

Take it from there.

 

Erm yes, he can be controlling, I see the silent treatment as being controlling and everytime we have an argument he does it. And he is a massive sulker, he even says so.

 

I just don't get how he can be fine about me not going on the phone then hours later he decides he wants to be angry.

[TaraMaiden]

Like I said, you need to let this go, and try to fill your time up with things that make you happy.

 

Why do you tolerate his controlling attitude?

It's passive-aggressive, and will never get better, or reduce, unless you handle it properly - and that means not putting up with it.

[TaintedHeart]

So are we broken up? Or is he just controlling the situation? I'm guessing the latter. Well I've text him, I didn't say sorry, I don't think either of us are to blame, I just cleared a few things up. Wasn't nasty at all. I'm not expecting a reply, and I won't be sending any more.

[TaraMaiden]

I think, based on your input, he's just being controlling.

But like I said - it will get worse if you tolerate this.

 

It's a bad type of bullying - and they want meek, gentle contrite responses, because it feeds their ego.

They get away with it, because you're intimidated by the thought of them leaving you.

Which they won't do, or otherwise - who will feed their ego?

 

So it's a vicious circle....

[TaintedHeart]

I think, based on your input, he's just being controlling.

But like I said - it will get worse if you tolerate this.

 

It's a bad type of bullying - and they want meek, gentle contrite responses, because it feeds their ego.

They get away with it, because you're intimidated by the thought of them leaving you.

Which they won't do, or otherwise - who will feed their ego?

 

So it's a vicious circle....

 

I have a horrible feeling that I won't ever hear from him again but if he does contact me then there are going to be some serious changes, I'm basically going to tell him if he blanks me in the future I will be gone, for good.

[geegirl]

I have a horrible feeling that I won't ever hear from him again but if he does contact me then there are going to be some serious changes, I'm basically going to tell him if he blanks me in the future I will be gone, for good.

 

Having dealt with someone who practiced the silent treatment, I can say that it's an underlying, deep-seated issue that most times may not go away. In any case, I hope he contacts you and he makes an effort to communicate in a healthy manner.

[TaintedHeart]

What goes through their mind when they do it? Do they think anything at all? Or is simply becasue they dont give two ****s?