TaintedHeart Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 (edited) I've been with my boyfriend for four months but we've known eachother for a year. This is going to sound so childish but I need to get it out. I'm just going to tell you about the argument. I was due to go to visit him and his family on Friday, was going to meet his parents for the first time and spend new years eve with them. He has two sisters. I told him from the get go that I wouldn't feel comfortable staying there if the house is full. He was fine with this and understood. So a day before I'm due to leave he calls me and tells me that his two sisters and their boyfriends will be staying. Then he went on to tell me that his car has broken down and that we won't be able to go anywhere for the whole week (He lives in the countryside by the way) I said something along the lines of 'Is there any point in me coming then?' Him: 'I dunno, its up to you, the whole situation has changed and if you're not going to feel comfortable then you don't have to come, I don't want the pressure!! Me: 'Well do you want me to come?, you dont sound too bothered, if you want me to then I will' Him: I'm not saying anything that will sway your decision' This really got me, I only needed him to say 'Yes! Of course I do' I had a think and decided against going, I text him and he wrote back saying 'I'm going to bed' What the hell is that about? I woke up to a text the next morning saying 'This was your choice' ??!! So I just said it, I told him that all needed was for him to let me know that he still wanted me to go, and this was his reply 'I want you to come, but I'm not begging'' This made me crazy! He was being a smart arse and I didn't like it. And the silent treatment started. I reached out and asked what was going on and he said that he told me he wanted me to come and that I kept changing the goal posts. Then he said this 'I will send you the money for the ticket, until then leave me alone' And thats it, I've been left in limbo, and I hate it and I keep wanting to send angry texts! He has spoilt my new years eve. Maybe I'm in the wrong, I don't know.... I don't even know if we've broken up. All sounds so mature!!! Edited December 30, 2012 by TaintedHeart
Amelie1980 Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 You told him you wouldn't be comfortable going so all the way along he has.considered your.feelings and.kept you updated as to.what it would.be like and given.you the choice. He is happy.for.you to.go but he won't force you as he knows you're not.sure. There is no issue here. if.you wanna go, GO. If.you don't, don't and tell him.you.don't.
Author TaintedHeart Posted December 30, 2012 Author Posted December 30, 2012 Like I said, I didn't go, and he is now ignoring me and told me to leave him alone, so yep, there is an issue :/
Amelie1980 Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 Call him. is there still time to go now?
Gottabestrong Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 Do you just want to vent or do you have a question?
Author TaintedHeart Posted December 30, 2012 Author Posted December 30, 2012 Do you just want to vent or do you have a question? I'm venting but would like some advice and thoughts.
Amelie1980 Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 It seems so silly.....either you wanted to go or you didn't. I'm not surprised that he started ignoring you. He wanted you to go but you couldn't decide and put it in his hands....he want gonna push you to make a choice.
Gottabestrong Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 I'm venting but would like some advice and thoughts. My thoughts are that he wanted you to come but did not want to pressure you because you had made it clear you did not want to go if his whole family was there. He was worried you would hate it and blame him or make the situation for the whole family very uncomfortable. I also think right now he is ignoring you because he is hurt and mad. Can't say that I blame him. My advice: Text him and apologize if you care about the relationship and hope to make up. Then don't pressure him if he does not reply straight away. Give him some time. Good luck!
Author TaintedHeart Posted December 30, 2012 Author Posted December 30, 2012 My thoughts are that he wanted you to come but did not want to pressure you because you had made it clear you did not want to go if his whole family was there. He was worried you would hate it and blame him or make the situation for the whole family very uncomfortable. I also think right now he is ignoring you because he is hurt and mad. Can't say that I blame him. My advice: Text him and apologize if you care about the relationship and hope to make up. Then don't pressure him if he does not reply straight away. Give him some time. Good luck! But he told me on the phone that it will be fine if I decide not to go. I'm actually scared to text him!?! So it was actually him who kept changing the goal posts. Argh! I don't know. He has told me to leave him alone...
TaraMaiden Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 Then do exactly that. Leave him alone, go No Contact (read the No Contact Guide/link in my signature) and give him what he's asked for. Now make some great plans for yourself for New year's eve, go and have some fun, take loads of pic's - but do not UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES contact him to wish him a Happy new Year! Live life as if this day were your last - do you want to go out on a high? Then let it go!
Author TaintedHeart Posted December 30, 2012 Author Posted December 30, 2012 Then do exactly that. Leave him alone, go No Contact (read the No Contact Guide/link in my signature) and give him what he's asked for. Now make some great plans for yourself for New year's eve, go and have some fun, take loads of pic's - but do not UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES contact him to wish him a Happy new Year! Live life as if this day were your last - do you want to go out on a high? Then let it go! So you don't think I should apologize? Having a good time is the last thing on my mind
TaraMaiden Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 Apologise? What for?? fake it until you make it honey. he's spending time with his family - you go out and have fun! It's not a pre-requisite to stay miserable, dammit!!
Author TaintedHeart Posted December 30, 2012 Author Posted December 30, 2012 Apologise? What for?? fake it until you make it honey. he's spending time with his family - you go out and have fun! It's not a pre-requisite to stay miserable, dammit!! Well, Gottabestrong could be right, maybe he didn't want to force me into coming, but I don't agree with him blanking me...
TaraMaiden Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 Exactly. Blank him back. His approach to you will tell you whether he was just a bit hasty - or a complete jerk! Has he behaved in this way before? Sometimes, looking at past record......
Keenly Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 In my honest opinion what has happened here is as follows. He invited you or you made plans to go or whatever, and you had already hinted to it in an uninterested fashion "Don't want to stay if the house is full" At the moment he got the impression that you weren't even interested. He updated you with the details and then asked if you still were going to come, and you did what men HATE more than anything in the world "I don't know, what do YOU want?" He has already asked you to come, meaning he wants you to come, but when you say a phrase like that, it really makes it sound like you don't care and have no motivation to come. Toss that in with the fact that he didn't want to make you feel pressured, he was trying to see if you would come on your own merit, since you know... he invited you. I don't think its fair to place the blame on him in this situation. But maybe that's just male bias. All I know is my ex would do what you are doing now, and it drove me insane, because she would never tell me what SHE wanted, it was always "I don't know, what do you want?" It's like dating a parrot with no opinions of their own. 2
Author TaintedHeart Posted December 30, 2012 Author Posted December 30, 2012 Exactly. Blank him back. His approach to you will tell you whether he was just a bit hasty - or a complete jerk! Has he behaved in this way before? Sometimes, looking at past record...... Yes, he sulks for days. I think we were both a bit too hasty, maybe? Me being a complete girl and wanting him to say a few words and him for...?? Am I in the wrong TaraMaiden?, I know you wont pull any punches
Author TaintedHeart Posted December 30, 2012 Author Posted December 30, 2012 (edited) In my honest opinion what has happened here is as follows. He invited you or you made plans to go or whatever, and you had already hinted to it in an uninterested fashion "Don't want to stay if the house is full" At the moment he got the impression that you weren't even interested. He updated you with the details and then asked if you still were going to come, and you did what men HATE more than anything in the world "I don't know, what do YOU want?" He has already asked you to come, meaning he wants you to come, but when you say a phrase like that, it really makes it sound like you don't care and have no motivation to come. Toss that in with the fact that he didn't want to make you feel pressured, he was trying to see if you would come on your own merit, since you know... he invited you. I don't think its fair to place the blame on him in this situation. But maybe that's just male bias. All I know is my ex would do what you are doing now, and it drove me insane, because she would never tell me what SHE wanted, it was always "I don't know, what do you want?" It's like dating a parrot with no opinions of their own. I really don't know who is to blame. He fully understood that I didn't want to be going if the house was full, he basically said what Gottbestrong said 'If you're not going to be uncomfortable then it's fine, I don't want the pressure, I don't want you to get here then feel like you want to go home in a couple of days' So thats when I simply asked if he wanted me to go, and he couldn't and wouldn't answer. So what have I actually done wrong? Does it warrent the silent treatment? Edited December 30, 2012 by TaintedHeart
beyond Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 (edited) I've been with my boyfriend for four months but we've known eachother for a year. This is going to sound so childish but I need to get it out. I'm just going to tell you about the argument. I was due to go to visit him and his family on Friday, was going to meet his parents for the first time and spend new years eve with them. He has two sisters. I told him from the get go that I wouldn't feel comfortable staying there if the house is full. He was fine with this and understood. So a day before I'm due to leave he calls me and tells me that his two sisters and their boyfriends will be staying. Then he went on to tell me that his car has broken down and that we won't be able to go anywhere for the whole week (He lives in the countryside by the way) I said something along the lines of 'Is there any point in me coming then?' Him: 'I dunno, its up to you, the whole situation has changed and if you're not going to feel comfortable then you don't have to come, I don't want the pressure!! Me: 'Well do you want me to come?, you dont sound too bothered, if you want me to then I will' Him: I'm not saying anything that will sway your decision' This really got me, I only needed him to say 'Yes! Of course I do' I had a think and decided against going, I text him and he wrote back saying 'I'm going to bed' What the hell is that about? I woke up to a text the next morning saying 'This was your choice' ??!! So I just said it, I told him that all needed was for him to let me know that he still wanted me to go, and this was his reply 'I want you to come, but I'm not begging'' This made me crazy! He was being a smart arse and I didn't like it. And the silent treatment started. I reached out and asked what was going on and he said that he told me he wanted me to come and that I kept changing the goal posts. Then he said this 'I will send you the money for the ticket, until then leave me alone' And thats it, I've been left in limbo, and I hate it and I keep wanting to send angry texts! He has spoilt my new years eve. Maybe I'm in the wrong, I don't know.... I don't even know if we've broken up. All sounds so mature!!! I think he is being sulky and childish and you are being stubborn and childish lol. I think he is upset that this was the first time you were going to meet his parents, his sisters' and their partners are there and he has to now tell them you aren't coming. He is hurt and upset, but instead of telling you that, he is sulking. You wanted him to WANT you to go by expressing that to you. He probably thinks he has done that and doesn't want to have to 'make' you go and have you resent him as the house is now full, which is what you said you wouldn't be comfortable with. I can actually see both you and your bf's points of view on this. If you knew for sure he really wanted you to go, full house and all, would you want to go? If yes, then I think you should tell him you are on your way! If not then stay and make other plans for the New Year. xx Edited December 30, 2012 by beyond
Author TaintedHeart Posted December 30, 2012 Author Posted December 30, 2012 I really don't know what to do! Maybe he's waiting for me to say sorry? Or maybe he doesn't care. What should I do
Keenly Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 I really don't know who is to blame. He fully understood that I didn't want to be going if the house was full, he basically said what Gottbestrong said 'If you're not going to be uncomfortable then it's fine, I don't want the pressure, I don't want you to get here then feel like you want to go home in a couple of days' So thats when I simply asked if he wanted me to go, and he couldn't and wouldn't answer. So what have I actually done wrong? Does it warrent the silent treatment? Basically you are confusing. I don't at all blame him. You said you didn't want to go, and now you concerned that he didn't beg you to come?
Author TaintedHeart Posted December 30, 2012 Author Posted December 30, 2012 Basically you are confusing. I don't at all blame him. You said you didn't want to go, and now you concerned that he didn't beg you to come? No, not at all, I didn't want him to beg, just wanted to hear him say that he wanted me to come. If he said 'Yes I want you to come silly' or somehing like that then I would have gone. Simple as that. It worried me and upset me that he found it so hard to say so.
Keenly Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 No, not at all, I didn't want him to beg, just wanted to hear him say that he wanted me to come. If he said 'Yes I want you to come silly' or somehing like that then I would have gone. Simple as that. It worried me and upset me that he found it so hard to say so. Inviting some one to come IS asking them to come is it not?
Author TaintedHeart Posted December 30, 2012 Author Posted December 30, 2012 He was cold about it. Very cold.
beyond Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 So you have both retreated to your corners. That won't solve anything. If It was me, I'd ring him and say I'd like to still come and will be there at such and such a time. Come on....it's New Years Eve tomorrow!!! 1
Author TaintedHeart Posted December 30, 2012 Author Posted December 30, 2012 So you have both retreated to your corners. That won't solve anything. If It was me, I'd ring him and say I'd like to still come and will be there at such and such a time. Come on....it's New Years Eve tomorrow!!! I would do that but he's ignoring my texts and calls and has told me to leave him alone...
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