Snooping

[nonenos]

This morning I snooped through my boyfriends phone. I had a terrible feeling all day yesterday that I couldn't shake and felt like he was keeping something from me. I'm not proud of what I did at all, but what I found only confirmed my suspicions.

 

There were a ton of messages to and from his "best friend" (who is a female) talking about how much they miss each other and how much they love each other. Even that I could look past, but then I saw inappropriate pictures that he requested and she sent.

 

I'm devestated. I don't understand how he could lay in bed with me last night and talk about getting married, having kids, etc when earlier in the day he was doing this behind my back. He's so amazing in person but I obviously don't trust him.

 

I'm wondering if anyone has any advice on how I could bring this issue up to him. I know what I did was a violation of his privacy, but what he did was even worse. Help!

[sharsh]

Isn't it funny, how you get those feelings, your stomach turning upside down, and just a general feeling of "hey, something's not right.."? I used to get those feelings from time to time, with my ex boyfriend.. and everytime, my suspicions were right. Intuition is weird.

 

Snooping isn't right.. but sometimes, I feel like, that's the only way you can find certain things out.

 

Regardless of how you came across this information, I'd confront him about it. He has definitely crossed a line. If he's anything like my ex... I'd be prepared for him to turn it around on you, when he finds out that the only reason you know any of this is because -- you snooped. He'll more than likely be angry with you for that.

 

Imo, this isn't something you should simply look the other way over though. He's just asking for pictures now, what's going to happen when that's no longer satisfying though? Or who's to say, they haven't already done something?

 

He's already broken your trust, and that's something that is really hard to get back. You need to talk to him about it, though, if you don't want to break up. In my experience, this stuff never stops. :/ My ex claimed he'd stop, but then continued, just covering his trail after all the 'dirty work' was done, deleting texts, emails, etc, right after he got them.

 

If I were you... I'd just end it now. Easier said than done... but better than a relationship full of paranoia spent wondering, who is he texting? what are they texting about? etc.

 

I wish you luck. It sucks when our instincts are right, when we wanted them to just be wrong.

[TaraMaiden]

This morning I snooped through my boyfriends phone. I had a terrible feeling all day yesterday that I couldn't shake and felt like he was keeping something from me. I'm not proud of what I did at all, but what I found only confirmed my suspicions.

 

There were a ton of messages to and from his "best friend" (who is a female) talking about how much they miss each other and how much they love each other. Even that I could look past, but then I saw inappropriate pictures that he requested and she sent.

 

I'm devestated. I don't understand how he could lay in bed with me last night and talk about getting married, having kids, etc when earlier in the day he was doing this behind my back. He's so amazing in person but I obviously don't trust him.

 

I'm wondering if anyone has any advice on how I could bring this issue up to him. I know what I did was a violation of his privacy, but what he did was even worse. Help!

 

do you live together, or just stay at each others' houses?

 

My response hinges on you living apart....

 

My suggestion?

 

Just drop off his radar.

go No Contact.

Delete his number, and block any attempt he might make to get in touch with you.

 

When he confronts you, just say -

"Do you have your mobile with you?

Could you give it to me, right now?

I want to look through it. "

 

Then he will know - the game is up.

[nonenos]

We don't live together, but he seriously lives right down the street, its maybe 5 minutes away. So i really don't think I could fall off the planet especially when we see each other almost everyday.

 

The thing that's really killing me is that we've been friends for 9 years, but officially dating for a little over a year, so not only would I be losing my boyfriend, I'd be losing someone who has been one of my best friends for so long. This is just so hard.

[TaraMaiden]

he is absolutely no friend to you at all, if he is doing this behind your back.

 

And you can completely avoid him as much as is humanly possible. People have gone NC with partners they work with - so I'm sure you can.

[Chi townD]

You have no reason to feel guilty at all. You have every right to know what's going on in your relationship. If he didn't give you a reason not to trust him, then you wouldn't have any reason to do what you did which is to find out the truth. Besides, you are in a committed relationship. You shouldn't have anything to hide from the person you committed yourself to.

 

Now, when you confront him about it, he's going to throw the fact that you looked at his phone in your face. Basically, placing the blame on you. But, lets be honest. You looked at his phone; he cheated on you. Which is worse?

[salparadise]

I dont' see this as an absolute, all or nothing situation. Yes, there is a problem, but I think it's not an egregious offense that mandates the end of the relationship if it has been otherwise good. Having naked pics on his phone is not the same as banging her. There aren't too many men who would turn down a few hot pics if someone is willing to send them. The pics aren't the problem––the problem is that he's crossed a boundary with this woman and in the relationship. I think you should deal with it directly. If he's remorseful and concedes that it's inappropriate, hurtful and disrespectful to you then perhaps you can get him back on the straight and narrow and save the relationship. If he tries to turn it around on you don't allow it. Exactly how you'd handle it is up to you but if it were me, I'd probably say it's her or me and you have 10 seconds to answer correctly or I'm done. But you have to mean it.

[TaraMaiden]

I dont' see this as an absolute, all or nothing situation. Yes, there is a problem, but I think it's not an egregious offense that mandates the end of the relationship if it has been otherwise good. Having naked pics on his phone is not the same as banging her. There aren't too many men who would turn down a few hot pics if someone is willing to send them. The pics aren't the problem––the problem is that he's crossed a boundary with this woman and in the relationship. I think you should deal with it directly. If he's remorseful and concedes that it's inappropriate, hurtful and disrespectful to you then perhaps you can get him back on the straight and narrow and save the relationship. If he tries to turn it around on you don't allow it. Exactly how you'd handle it is up to you but if it were me, I'd probably say it's her or me and you have 10 seconds to answer correctly or I'm done. But you have to mean it.

 

That's a good ploy, too....

[GSB81]

This is another example of why I consider it a red flag when a girl I'm dating has a "best friend" who is a guy. This should have been a red flag for you too.

[nonenos]

It wasn't a red flag initially because we've been friends for so long and I have several male friends who are strictly JUST FRIENDS. I would never act this way or request any kind of sexual picture etc from them. His "friend" has recently gotten out of a relationship in which the guy cheated on her, stupid me thought maybe she would be more sensitive towards other people interfering with relationships. Apparently she's no better than the other woman in her past relationship.

[GSB81]

Do you consider any of the guys your BEST friend?

[HurtinUnit]

Hi nonenos,

 

I've been dealing with this for the past 2 years. I'm very VERY sorry that you're currently going through it. It's heart wrenching.

 

In my experience it doesn't stop, I think everyone deserves a second chance and believe that everyone makes mistakes. As others have said he will most likely throw in your face the fact that you looked through his phone. Do not let that shake you.

 

I don't condone snooping, but have done it plenty in my relationship and always when I could no longer ignore my gut instincts and, like you, they were always right. Had there been nothing going on I would have felt 2 inches tall but, that was never the case.

 

If he is remorseful and basically follows what people have said here then it is up to you if you want to forgive once and give another shot. Just don't let him do this again, do not find yourself years down the road doing the same things over and over again.

 

No one is worth losing yourself over. You deserve better than this.

[nonenos]

Do you consider any of the guys your BEST friend?

 

I wouldn't consider myself someone who has one set "best friend", but all of my current closest friends are males and our relationships have been 100000% platonic.

 

My issue isn't that his friend is female because that would obiously be hypocrytical of me, but all of my relationships with the opposite sex absolutely do involve provocative pictures or messages of wanting to be with them, EXCEPT with my boyfriend. I'm an extremely loyal person so even if another guy hit on me I wouldn't accept their advances.

[TaraMaiden]

I think you mean 'do NOT'.....

[nonenos]

Oh my god stupid mistake. I meant DO NOT. Point being, I would never do this to him.

[TaraMaiden]

...But in spite of how long you guys have known one another - he's quite happy to do it to you.

 

Back to earlier posts.

You need to ditch and go NC.

 

And ask him to show you his phone.

And if he accuses you of snooping, tell him "Would you like to see my phone? I have no inappropriate pictures or texts in mine, and no flirting or cheating - so which do you think is worse??"

 

You need to end this.

Or it will continue unabated, and you will be miserable for the duration.

[NoMagicBullet]

I agree w/ TaraMaiden on cutting him out of your life. I'd say there's little chance of making this work after this, my reasons being:

1) It's only been about a year, and while you're obviously in a committed relationship, you haven't invested oodles of time or (presumably) have kids to chare custody of.

2) It's not just the inappropriate pics, but the fact that they are saying they love each other.

 

I agree with GSB81 -- opposite sex "best friend" of one or both partners in a potential heterosexual relationsip is a red flag. There may be some exceptions out there, but it's not anyone's job to give everyone a chance and get screwed over trying to find the exception. There's something to be said for having one's other relationships in the right places so you have room in your life for the one that's most important.

[Oberfeldwebel]

The relationship with the other women is inappropriate and would always be in the back of your mind no matter what he said. If you confront him and he promises never to do it again, they are still going to be in contact on a steady basis and this will wear on your relationship. If he promised to sever their relationship, then there would be hope, but you know that won't happen. Bad news never gets better with age, so my suggestion is to be honest with him and cut your losses.

[sadpanda87]

i feel for you, i really do

 

when i asked my ex she would always tell me she loves me, but i always felt something was wrong. so one day i cracked - memorized her phone password (shed always turn away while putting in the password, every time) and there it was. flirty, loving messages with my ex-best friend, amongst plenty of references of inappropriate pictures, videos and spending the night together that took place in the past.

 

i am not proud of the act, but i needed to know. i was dying inside. sometimes you just have to go with your gut feeling and do the best thing for yourself

 

when they get to that stage of intimacy there is no turning back, you're already dead to them. nothing you do or say will convince otherwise.

 

move on, you will find a better and more deserving man

[Joaquin]

i feel for you, i really do

 

when i asked my ex she would always tell me she loves me, but i always felt something was wrong. so one day i cracked - memorized her phone password (shed always turn away while putting in the password, every time) and there it was. flirty, loving messages with my ex-best friend, amongst plenty of references of inappropriate pictures, videos and spending the night together that took place in the past.

 

i am not proud of the act, but i needed to know. i was dying inside. sometimes you just have to go with your gut feeling and do the best thing for yourself

 

when they get to that stage of intimacy there is no turning back, you're already dead to them. nothing you do or say will convince otherwise.

 

move on, you will find a better and more deserving man

 

Too true. The behind the back stuff, not knowing the TRUTH, is awful. It eats away at your sanity. Then you snoop which makes you feel like dirt, like youve become someone you never thought you'd end up like. But it can be a necessary part of finding out what's going on since you are being lied to, and yr gut knows it.

[Treasa]

This is another example of why I consider it a red flag when a girl I'm dating has a "best friend" who is a guy. This should have been a red flag for you too.

 

My best friend is a guy and I do absolutely nothing even remotely romantic or sexual with him. The closest we get is if we happen to accidentally get sweat on the other while running.

 

I also make sure that all romantic prospects meet him right away, see he's not a threat, and they usually end up becoming really good friends, which is nice for me because then I get some alone time without either of them.

 

He's actually more like a brother to me than anything. Believe me, I wish I could have romantic/sexual feelings for him.

 

But with regards to this situation....I wouldn't tolerate that. Not how emotionally close they are, and not with the sexual pictures being sent.

[salparadise]

This is another example of why I consider it a red flag when a girl I'm dating has a "best friend" who is a guy. This should have been a red flag for you too.

 

I also make sure that all romantic prospects meet him right away, see he's not a threat, and they usually end up becoming really good friends, which is nice for me because then I get some alone time without either of them. He's actually more like a brother to me than anything. Believe me, I wish I could have romantic/sexual feelings for him.

 

I'm not saying there is no possibility of purely platonic male/female friendships... but, there is always potential for opposite sex friendships to interfere with the natural course of romantic relationships. Competition for time and attention, comparisons made between the two whether conscious or unconscious, whether the friend approves of the new boyfriend and is supportive or undermines in subtle ways, divided loyalties and so forth will definitely color the landscape for new relationships. And in a similar vein, women who maintain friendships with previous boyfriends, or suitors that didn't pan out, are fostering an environment that spells complications, even when they convince themselves otherwise.

 

I am to the point personally that when I become interested in someone I lower my expectations immediately when I find out that there are other men in the picture. The woman will always be reassuring that these other men are not significant relationships, or that they have zero romantic/sexual interest in them, but you just never know. My relationship of almost a year and a half is ending because of one of these situations, I believe. She denies it but she is denying it to herself too. Looking back I can see that we were growing stronger and closer by the day until one day she informed me that she had had lunch with a previous boyfriend while visiting relatives near where he now lives. From that point onward she started showing signs of conflicted feelings and dissatisfaction. Perhaps it wasn't meant to be if such a seemingly small thing destabilizes it, but I feel certain that this meeting was the turning point and the thing that destroyed the wonderful momentum we had going. Every action sends ripples through the universe, but these opposite sex attachments have more potential to upset the balance than most women are willing to admit to themselves or their partners.

Edited December 31, 2012 by salparadise

[Joaquin]

^^^^ Quote: I wish I could have romantic/sexual feelings for him

 

I thought that was an unusual thing to say based on all you had said. I wouldn't let yr bf hear u say that tho. It's like he's toast if u decide u want the friend, which can very easily happen.

Edited December 31, 2012 by Joaquin

[Keke1]

Isn't it funny, how you get those feelings, your stomach turning upside down, and just a general feeling of "hey, something's not right.."? I used to get those feelings from time to time, with my ex boyfriend.. and everytime, my suspicions were right. Intuition is weird.

 

Snooping isn't right.. but sometimes, I feel like, that's the only way you can find certain things out.

 

Regardless of how you came across this information, I'd confront him about it. He has definitely crossed a line. If he's anything like my ex... I'd be prepared for him to turn it around on you, when he finds out that the only reason you know any of this is because -- you snooped. He'll more than likely be angry with you for that.

 

Imo, this isn't something you should simply look the other way over though. He's just asking for pictures now, what's going to happen when that's no longer satisfying though? Or who's to say, they haven't already done something?

 

He's already broken your trust, and that's something that is really hard to get back. You need to talk to him about it, though, if you don't want to break up. In my experience, this stuff never stops. :/ My ex claimed he'd stop, but then continued, just covering his trail after all the 'dirty work' was done, deleting texts, emails, etc, right after he got them.

 

If I were you... I'd just end it now. Easier said than done... but better than a relationship full of paranoia spent wondering, who is he texting? what are they texting about? etc.

 

I wish you luck. It sucks when our instincts are right, when we wanted them to just be wrong.

I didnt have to read further. This is as far as you shouldve gotten. This is the best advice. Ppl like this wont stop just be more discreet. Thn the peace of mind you would have will be totally worth it. If you can let it go then props though.

[Keke1]

^^^^ Quote: I wish I could have romantic/sexual feelings for him

 

I thought that was an unusual thing to say based on all you had said. I wouldn't let yr bf hear u say that tho. It's like he's toast if u decide u want the friend, which can very easily happen.

 

I know, what the hell is this?