Wondering if i will be able to trust again??

[aliceb1987]

I just invested two months into someone who turned out to be someone completely different to who i thought...again.Not long compared to the past couple of two year relationships i know,but doesnt take long to know alot about each other and become close and involved in their life.I opened up my heart and soul to him and he seemed to reciprocate this.We could chat on the phone for 1-2 hours,stayed up late at night talking about everything and anything.

To start with he seemed very into me and it took me a long while to be sure if i liked him as more than a friend,but i gave him a chance and the more i got to know him and became involved in his life the more i fell for him.However the past couple of weeks, the more i got into him the more he seemed to pull back.Sometimes he would act really into me (wanted to introduce me to all his friends,colleagues and family,talked about doing things together in the future,showed affection and kept in close contact when we were apart) other times he seemed very distant,talked about his future asif it wouldnt include 'us'.He also spent alot of time on facebook/texting even when we were together,and had rather alot of close female friends,both of which worried me.

 

It is worth mentioning that he had depression and had recently began medication for this,but his behaviour signalled that his issues towards me were more to do with 'us' than with his condition,as he had been different when we first met.Things got bad the past week-tension, awkwardness and disagreements that had not been there before, and day before yesterday i ended it (i was feeling like the one making all the effort and for the first time ever for me, i decided to do the deed before he could.Still,he took it rather better than i had hoped,considering i thought i meant the world to him (he had said he had never been able to talk to,connect with anyone like he did me etc) it was a very short and formal phonecall with a definite hostility...it was really horrible to think two people who not long ago had had such a soulful connection could be so cold.

 

He has since cut me out of his life completely and won't even be friends even though he said before whatever happened he wanted to remain so.I am left feeling heartbroken with everything reminding me of him, stupid for thinking he was different,back to square one once again.I have never managed to hold down a sucessful and healthy relationship in all my 25 years,and i although i have not chosen very stable partners,i am worrying it is also something to do with me as i seem to attract people with problems.I am really beginning to wonder if i am running out of both trust and faith in relationships.I am sick of sharing everything with someone and dedicating myself to them only to have them throw it all back in my face asif they never cared at all...has happened so many times....PLEASE help restore my faith with some positive thinking! Thanks so much x

[Pinky777]

You will trust again, but you need to guard your heart better in the future. YOU are the most important person in any relationship, please don't ever forget that. If nothing else this was a learning experience. Some people are just in love with the idea of falling in love. The first few weeks/months can be the most amazing, exhiliarating times but try not to get caught up in that until you know the whole person. You might think you really knew him because he let you in on so much but a couple has to be able to work together to survive the bad times as well. His medications might have changed his moods, and if he can't work though such a thing, your long-term relationship wouldn't have had much of a chance. I'm sure it would have been the same way no matter who he was seeing.

 

You let yourself go and fell for this guy so quickly -- I did exactly the same. Falling in love is a great feeling but the resounding crash when it falls apart is so painful. While my guy didn't have depression issues, he was having a hard time dealing with other things in his life, and he wasn't emotionally available for a serious relationship. I think your guy's refusal to be friends is his way of trying to get over you. It's painful, but you need to move on and do the same. Maybe you two can reconnect months or years down the line, but right now he's not in the place for a relationship.

[aliceb1987]

Thankyou very much for your excellent advice! I know underneath we were not meant to be for many reasons,and if i'm honest there were many aspects of his personality and even appearance that bugged me even though i had tried to make myself see past these (which i guess you shouldnt have to do).

I think it was a case of pushing myself too hard to try and ignore the negative things about him and focusing on positives,which allowed me to become very close to him, but also meant that i was never completely comfortable with him and had started to become irritated often around him (which i guess he probably picked up on as a warning sign)

I think in this scenario perhaps i saw all the perfect things about his life (he lived in a sweet country village with a nice house,lovely and big family etc) that had not been there in my past relationship (or my own life family wise) and clung to these things too much.I wonder if those things had been taken out of the equation i still would have felt the way i did about him, or if those factors were what i actually miss most....