TaraMaiden Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 Ok. Well thank you for your input. I will consider what you wrote. (Also will join meetup.com or look into other sites like this. Honestly did not know they were around.) Wish me luck! Classic avoidance. You need to face up to whatever the issue is - and I think we've exposed it here. At the risk of really getting you riled up - it's all a bit of a mess in your head, isn't it?
Author Selina_Kyle Posted December 30, 2012 Author Posted December 30, 2012 Well...Can't really answer, can I? If I continue then I am a troll. If I give up then I am avoidant. My head is just fine. lol. I KNOW what I want. I'm sorry if it hurts other people. I will do my best to avoid that. Really, I will. BUT...I honestly disagree with you that men have a right to expect more than just a "getting to know you phase" for the first few dates. Yes, I understand your point that I have made up my mind before so I am misleading them....But how does that hurt them? Remember that THEY don't know that. So what gives them the right to think that I will like them/date them for more than the initial meeting anyways? Answer: Nothing. If they expect/want more then that is their problem. Heck, they could not like me at the initial meeting and never contact me again. (Yes, this has happened.) I'm sorry, I disagree with you. NO ONE has the right to ANY expectations. I need to go to work soon, so I guess I will have to be avoidant. Probably for the best. I have my answers.... And I was serious about checking out friendship sites. Oh, and btw. If you think I am so "weird" about not wanting sex, about a third of all males on the dating sites are actually married. The main reason they are on the sites is because their wives no longer want sex. All of these women aren't having affairs. They just lost interest or maybe just never had much interest and were only doing it to please/keep the man (like I did.) Google "I hate sex" you will find a zillion messages from middle/aged (and even some younger) married women....And NO it is not just the man they are with. Several specifically state they love their husbands, just don't want sex. Sorry. There are a lot of us out here. Just letting you know.
ThaWholigan Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 You don't see how this hurts them, but if you took a while to stick around on this forum and read some of the posts from men who are either "friendzoned" by women or go on a couple of dates only to be told "it's not gonna work out" after a while after they got their hopes up for the umpteenth time, and end up pissed off and more disillusioned. You are actually part of the problem in that regard. And that's not hostility, that's just the reality of what women like you who date the way you do contribute. Seriously, you are better off being honest - stop with the lying.
Carenth Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 (edited) You might want to go re look up the definition for asexual, I think you may be getting it mixed up with anti sexual behavior (yes they are different). Also using guys for your attention and leading them on is generally something that is not appreciated by either gender. You are going onto dating websites full of people (not just men) wanting relationships or sex or in most cases both and pretending to play along with that whilst been dishonest about your true intentions. Stick you social gatherings, friendship groups and stuff like that dating sites are not what you are looking for. Edited December 30, 2012 by Carenth
somedude81 Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 If it's just company you want, then make some girlfriends. If you want male company without sex, then make gay male friends. If you want straight male company, then be ready to spread 'em.
TaraMaiden Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 Well...Can't really answer, can I? If I continue then I am a troll. If I give up then I am avoidant. My head is just fine. lol. I KNOW what I want. I'm sorry if it hurts other people. I will do my best to avoid that. Really, I will. I don't think so..... reading on.... BUT...I honestly disagree with you that men have a right to expect more than just a "getting to know you phase" for the first few dates. Yes, I understand your point that I have made up my mind before so I am misleading them....But how does that hurt them? Remember that THEY don't know that. So what gives them the right to think that I will like them/date them for more than the initial meeting anyways? Answer: Nothing. So you fully intend to date guys under false pretences. YOU know what's going to happen from date #1, but they can carry on investing time and money in dating you, without realising that they're onto a lost cause here? Having a 'right' to expect more, isn't the issue. It's not a right, it's a natural expectation. One you are exploiting, like it or not.... . If they expect/want more then that is their problem. Heck, they could not like me at the initial meeting and never contact me again. (Yes, this has happened.) I'm sorry, I disagree with you. NO ONE has the right to ANY expectations. YOU FULLY expect guys to carry on seeing you knowing they're not going to have a fully-fulfilling relationship. Guys have 'never contacted you again'. Doubtless you're very resentful and indignant about this. They have as much right to be resentful and indignant about your hidden motives for dating them at all... Oh, and btw. If you think I am so "weird" about not wanting sex, about a third of all males on the dating sites are actually married. The main reason they are on the sites is because their wives no longer want sex. So... you're probably dating men who are looking for sex because their wives went off it.... and you're intent on not giving it to them. Classic revenge trait. All of these women aren't having affairs. They just lost interest or maybe just never had much interest and were only doing it to please/keep the man (like I did.)Google "I hate sex" you will find a zillion messages from middle/aged (and even some younger) married women....And NO it is not just the man they are with. Several specifically state they love their husbands, just don't want sex. Sorry. There are a lot of us out here. Just letting you know. More fool you for giving sex to a man just to please him. No wonder you've gone off it.... Like I said - I was one of them. I loved my husband too. I just wasn't in love with him. Complete love includes willingly having sex with your partner. The kind of love which has developed there, is one of companionship and togetherness. But it's not a sound relationship. Answer the question: Why are you looking specifically to date men, if you don't want sex? Why don't you focus on cultivating a good solid friendship circle with other women? because they don't give you the kind of attention you're looking for - do they?
monicaelise Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 Well...Can't really answer, can I? If I continue then I am a troll. If I give up then I am avoidant. My head is just fine. lol. I KNOW what I want. I'm sorry if it hurts other people. I will do my best to avoid that. Really, I will. BUT...I honestly disagree with you that men have a right to expect more than just a "getting to know you phase" for the first few dates. Yes, I understand your point that I have made up my mind before so I am misleading them....But how does that hurt them? Remember that THEY don't know that. So what gives them the right to think that I will like them/date them for more than the initial meeting anyways? Answer: Nothing. If they expect/want more then that is their problem. Heck, they could not like me at the initial meeting and never contact me again. (Yes, this has happened.) I'm sorry, I disagree with you. NO ONE has the right to ANY expectations. I need to go to work soon, so I guess I will have to be avoidant. Probably for the best. I have my answers.... And I was serious about checking out friendship sites. Oh, and btw. If you think I am so "weird" about not wanting sex, about a third of all males on the dating sites are actually married. The main reason they are on the sites is because their wives no longer want sex. All of these women aren't having affairs. They just lost interest or maybe just never had much interest and were only doing it to please/keep the man (like I did.) Google "I hate sex" you will find a zillion messages from middle/aged (and even some younger) married women....And NO it is not just the man they are with. Several specifically state they love their husbands, just don't want sex. Sorry. There are a lot of us out here. Just letting you know. For what it's worth, it sounds like you have some serious anger and resentment toward your ex. You may be totally justified in feeling that way, but you are not justified in taking out that resentment on the entire male OLD population. Married men on dating sites aren't always there because their wives hate sex. Some of them are just your garden variety philanderers, just like the married women who do it.
Carenth Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 Also I forgot to mention it seems you are more interested in punishing men for wanting to have sex more than anything else. Your extreme focus on the bad behavior of men and omitting the fact women do it as well is pretty telling. Your "plan" will not foster any friendships you will just make a bunch of guys more bitter and upset for no reason except for your own amusement. I do not think you are looking for genuine friendship as that would require honesty, which you have decided to forfeit before even meeting these people. As others have said if you are truly just looking for friendship why does it have to be men? Wouldn't it just be easier to make friends with other women? 1
Crusoe Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 the 'harm' is that finding 'asexual' guys is like finding rocking horse droppings. Sooner or later, they'll drop you like a hot brick - or not even pick you up at all. People want relationships as a whole package, not with a vital element missing. That would be like buying the Mona Lisa with the smile erased.... What's in it for them? Precious little as far as they can see. Might as well buy a puppy. You might be surprised, Tara. I know three men who married women that don't do sex. They are three of the strongest marriages I know, and probably because they were never based upon the "gloss". One of those women has been wheelchair bound since her teens, another was abused as child and the other just hates sex. They all still found good men with a big hearts who don't put the wants of their d*cks above their women's welfare and happiness. Men who can love, respect and care for their woman without wondering "What's in it for me?" If the OP wants to find one, she is going to have to show the same honesty, respect, thoughtfulness and ability to put anothers welfare on par with her own, though. 2
crude Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 Google tells me there are plenty of asexual dating sites. http://www.google.com/search?q=asexual+men+dating+site&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&aq=t&rls={moz:distributionID}:{moz:locale}:{moz:official} There are plenty of asexual men around. From guys who have opted out of the relationship game to men who are happily friend-zoned to husbands whose wives complain that they're the ones with the sex drive.
Keenly Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 I think its kind of messed up to go on a date in the first place, let alone 2 of them, when you knew right from the start you weren't even trying to get involved.
Treasa Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 Your post is bristling with hostility. This just makes me laugh. Forgive me, but it does.... if you're asexual - why does it have to be men at all? Why not develop a sound female social circle? You might be at ease, and having friendly discussions, but you can do that with females. What you want is male attention, without feeling any obligation or desire to give anything back. Like I said, if anyone wants the kind of 'friendship' you say you're seeking, you either get a pet, or cultivate same-sex friendships. The fact that you want it with men, gives you a subliminal feeling of one-upmanship. "I'm a woman, strong, confident and desirable. You like my company, and you'd like to have more but tough luck buddy - this is as far as i go. Nice meeting you and have you pay attention to me though...." is what it sounds like. I'm not angry. But you're very insistent on this asexual lark, yet you've done your research, found an awful lot of women think like you, yet very few men do.... men want sex - that's why there appear to be so many married men on these sites. Yet you want to 'date' men with no view to sex? Can't you see how skewed that sounds? That's our point.... This. ^^^^^^^^
grkBoy Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 Selena sounds like a troll, but I'll be nice and assume she's not. Being a good looking single woman is going to make it hard to find male friends. I believe most will want more and will try to nudge for more. I agree with others you should not go dating any man on the idea of trying to nudge him to "give up" on dating you and be friends. Too many guys will feel mislead and walk. You're better off going to meetups and such where dating isn't part of the notion. Where you end up in groups having drinks and you can politely tell guys who try to score a date you're not interested in dating. "Let's just be friends" told to a guy you went on dates on is only going to bring you two possible scenarios 99% of the time: a) He'll accept and keep trying to push you to be his girlfriend or FWB. b) He'll walk or vanish...seeing women who just want to be friends as a waste of his time...since he wants a girlfriend.
Author Selina_Kyle Posted December 31, 2012 Author Posted December 31, 2012 I am not a troll. I will write you back in a few months and let you know how things are working out. I am not just going to use dating sites. Meet up sites are actually a better idea and I will try to use those. I think we can, at least, agree on this.
Eternal Sunshine Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 Hey OP, Ignore all the hostility on here. I disagree with them all - but unfortunately you will often see gang mentality on here. I think that what you propose can work. I have met a large number of men on dating sites. Over 80 or so. I made a number of good male friends that I see often. We never had sex. There are men that will be interested in your company without you spreading your legs. I have also met few asexual men. I am not asexual myself, but they can be found. The only thing is, be upfront with them. I would write a profile where you explicitly say that you are looking for friendship and company only. See if some reply. I am sure that you will get men who will want to meet you *hoping* to eventually get sex. But then, that's their problem, not yours.
Author Selina_Kyle Posted December 31, 2012 Author Posted December 31, 2012 Actually, that is a very good idea. I was hoping the Friend option would kind of push them in the right direction, but maybe I will try making it clear on one of the sites just to see if any men respond anymore at all. (You have given me hope that some might.) I will do this and see what happens. P.S. Thanks for being nice.
carhill Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 IMO, it's only 'wrong' if one doesn't clearly communicate their intent *before* any investment of time and/or care occurs. Very few healthy heterosexual men will, if not married or LTR'd, be interested in a long-term platonic friendship with a woman unless she is completely hideous to him (not in general) *and* she never uses him for sexual validation, meaning showing her body, flirting, using sexual innuendo, etc and then 'leaving him hanging'. Good luck in your search.
grkBoy Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 I am not a troll. I will write you back in a few months and let you know how things are working out. I am not just going to use dating sites. Meet up sites are actually a better idea and I will try to use those. I think we can, at least, agree on this. I'm sure you're not...but you have to admit your post sounded that way.
Eternal Sunshine Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 I wish you lived in my city, I would set you up with my friend. He is smart, good looking and completely asexual. He says he doesn't like sex and complains how women always want sex from him lol. He is looking for an asexual relationship.
Ruby Slippers Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 Gay male friends are great. I have several. They're almost always fun, and the ones who will be there for you no matter what.
Nightsky Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 Gay male friends are great. I have several. They're almost always fun, and the ones who will be there for you no matter what. Can I be your gay male friend *wink* *wink* I'll be all flamboyant and when I molest you and see you naked it will be ok cause any hard on will be at the thought of men not you.
Ruby Slippers Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 Can I be your gay male friend *wink* *wink* I'll be all flamboyant and when I molest you and see you naked it will be ok cause any hard on will be at the thought of men not you. Yes, please
Eternal Sunshine Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 I have a couple of gay male friends too
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