Selina_Kyle Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 I just got out of a marriage and am very lonely. I have very few female friends (most are busy with raising their families). I am childfree so there is not a lot for me to relate to with other women. I am very athletic and would love to find males for friendship/companionship. I am generally considered very pretty. No problem so far right? Wrong. I absolutely HATE sex. Have always hated it. Can't stand the idea of ever having to force myself to do it again. And why should I? Just to make some guy happy? That is what I have done for most of my life and it was unfair to ME. No. I do NOT want hormones/therapy. I WANT a man who is asexual (like me). Believe me, they are hard to find. Yes, I have tried asexual searches and sites. Closest members were hundreds of miles away... And, of course, there is no guarantee we will even like each other...Sorry, I don't have the $ to travel hundreds of miles, and I don't want to see my new friend(s) once every 6 weeks. I want a companion to spend time with and have fun (discussions, sports, hobbies etc.) So here is the plan...Most dating sites have a friend option and some of the men's profiles have checked that option as well as the dating option. I am not naive, I understand that it is a DATING site and these men are NOT just looking for an asexual female friend....BUT...I am considered very attractive and usually have several emails in my inbox everyday. Question: Is it wrong to date these men for 2 or 3 dates, hold them off romantically, (tell them I have a cold coming on so I can't kiss etc.). Then send them a letter explaining that I had a great time, but don't feel we are a match. I would not expect them to pay for anything. I would insist on paying my own way. The way I look at it, they had no right to expect sex/physical intimacy or any kind of relationship after only 2 dates. (Hell, sixty years ago, they would have to marry you to get sex. Now they seem to expect it by the third date.) Anyways... Yes, I know in a way I am misleading them, but I would pay my own way and only use their time for a date or two. I am fun to be with. Really. They'd have a great time. I don't think they have a right to expect anything else. I have a right not to "like" them. (Problem is I would probably like some of them, but I would have to let them go or face the eventually inevitability of a physical relationship.) Is this wrong? Why? Do these men (who chose friendship options as well as dating options) have the right to expect anything else (especially if I am the one paying my own way)?
TaraMaiden Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 Don't go on dating sites if you have absolutely no intention of dating. look around your area and join different social clubs - take up archery, hill-walking, abseiling, boating, trekking - any environment where there will be a mix of genders. But a dating site? Bad idea. Why complicate your life even more with people you neither know or can see, behind a computer screen all day, when you can actually benefit socially and health-wise? It's not rocket-science, honey. Don't put temptation in their way, if that's not what you want them thinking.... 1
Treasa Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 Rather than trying to find an asexual man, why not just try to find friends based on your interests? I'm also single, no kids, and athletic. Not all women are busy with their families and raising babies.
Author Selina_Kyle Posted December 30, 2012 Author Posted December 30, 2012 I guess I just don't understand what would be so "wrong" about it. If it is only one or two dates, I really don't think the man has any right to expect anything physical from me at all in that short time. I DO have the option of choosing not to like him, after all. I would think that this is understood. (And, of course, he has the same option.) If I am paying my own way, and we are having a good time, then where is the harm?
TaraMaiden Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 the 'harm' is that finding 'asexual' guys is like finding rocking horse droppings. Sooner or later, they'll drop you like a hot brick - or not even pick you up at all. People want relationships as a whole package, not with a vital element missing. That would be like buying the Mona Lisa with the smile erased.... What's in it for them? Precious little as far as they can see. Might as well buy a puppy. Now there's an idea - thought of that?
Author Selina_Kyle Posted December 30, 2012 Author Posted December 30, 2012 Can't have dogs where I live, otherwise yes. I love puppies!!! Um....You're kind of missing the 2 date rule. I don't expect to waste their time after that or to "lead them on" thinking I want a "real" relationship with them. (That WOULD be cruel.) I would always send them a very nice message after the second date saying that I had a good time, but it just wasn't a match. (It's actually the truth.) Don't see where the harm is in that. Not every first meeting or second date is going to turn into a relationship. I am not trying to use these men for money, only for companionship. I would think they are getting the same from me so it's not really "using" them at all. It is not my fault they may hope for more (if they do), especially since I'd only choose men who specified "friendship" as one of the elements in their profile. (That can be considered misleading to someone like me.)
Pinky777 Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 But I don't understand what kind of a friendship you'd get from one or two dates? You'll meet them, start to get to know them, maybe even enjoy yourselves but nothing will ever go anywhere. You'll never connect with anyone, just a string of shared dinners with men you have no intention of seeing again. That would make me feel more lonely than just being on my own. You'd also have to make it clear to them from the very beginning that you're only looking for friendship, not a relationship or casual sex at all. There may be guys out there that just want a frienship but 99% of them they're on a dating site they're looking for more even if they check that friendship box. I don't understand that myself, but I guess i am old-fashioned! 1
TaraMaiden Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 Um....You're kind of missing the 2 date rule. I don't expect to waste their time after that or to "lead them on" thinking I want a "real" relationship with them. (That WOULD be cruel.) I would always send them a very nice message after the second date saying that I had a good time, but it just wasn't a match. (It's actually the truth.) Don't see where the harm is in that. Not every first meeting or second date is going to turn into a relationship. I am not trying to use these men for money, only for companionship. I would think they are getting the same from me so it's not really "using" them at all. It is not my fault they may hope for more (if they do), especially since I'd only choose men who specified "friendship" as one of the elements in their profile. (That can be considered misleading to someone like me.) if you believe they're hoping for more - and please trust me on this - even men who seek 'friendships' will be hoping for more - then it's not nice of you to go for 2 dates, let alone one.... Your personal interpretation of 'friendship' is definitely not going to be the same as theirs. They won't be out to mislead, necessarily. They will see sex as a natural progression. Just as I would.... I guarantee that if you tell them in date #1 that you are absolutely, completely turned off by the idea of sex and would love a friendship with a man on a completely non-sexual basis - there won't BE a date #2. Therapy is an interesting idea. Now who exactly would that help? If I am happy with my asexuality and feel no physical need for sex why should I convince myself I do feel a need so I can have sexual relationships with men to make the men happy. Interesting. The interesting thing would be to ascertain why exactly you have come to this point? because while it's normal and natural for you, and you're quite happy to feel this way - it is extremely rare, and actually almost non-existent in men. Women do often go off sex in their mid-lives. It could be hormonal - or - more often than not, that they simply haven't found or discovered the elements of sexual contact that actually work for them. What is your opinion on masturbation? Do you do it? is it enjoyable for you? Do you avoid it? is this any of my business? No? Probably not. But really, I'm asking you the questions to get you to think the matter through.... I'm not suggesting there's something 'wrong' with you. But it bears thinking about why you feel this way. What was the origin? Everything has to start somewhere..... Why do YOU care so much about men being happy? (btw, Yes the therapy thing was kind of insulting. There are such a thing as asexual people. Sorry. But this is true.) I know there are such things as 'asexual people'. I was one for 15 years. I thought it was me. I was convinced I was just a woman who had gone off sex, didn't like it, felt affronted by anyone who suggested it was wrong, and lived blissfully sex-free for years. Until I met my current H. Then I discovered what I'd been missing all this time. I don't care about 'men' being happy. But the fact you ask that question leads me to consider you have a base-line contempt for them, and believe you have a right, over their feelings, to be what you want and to hell with what they want...... I really would love everyone to be happy, regardless of gender, but the fact you are so insistent on you making sure you get what you want out of these 'dates' and sorry to them, but it's not going to happen - suggests to me a relatively 'selfish' attitude towards a cohesive connection.
monicaelise Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 Bottom line is don't go on dating sites if you've got a problem with sex. If you want to make friends, enroll in a few classes, do some volunteer work, find some meetups (based on interests, not mate hunting). There's nothing wrong with being disinterested in sex. Hating it might be an indication problem, but that's for you and your therapist to decide. Whatever the case, dating sites are not for you. What you're asking for is tantamount to joining a gym because you hate exercise. If you don't like sex, stay away from people who are clearly seeking it. 1
phineas Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 Can't have dogs where I live, otherwise yes. I love puppies!!! Um....You're kind of missing the 2 date rule. I don't expect to waste their time after that or to "lead them on" thinking I want a "real" relationship with them. (That WOULD be cruel.) I would always send them a very nice message after the second date saying that I had a good time, but it just wasn't a match. (It's actually the truth.) Don't see where the harm is in that. Not every first meeting or second date is going to turn into a relationship. I am not trying to use these men for money, only for companionship. I would think they are getting the same from me so it's not really "using" them at all. It is not my fault they may hope for more (if they do), especially since I'd only choose men who specified "friendship" as one of the elements in their profile. (That can be considered misleading to someone like me.) You are sounding like an attention whore here. You're INTENT is not to find a man to date yet you think it's ok to go on dates with men who want to date you. Even if it's one or two dates it's still wrong because you know going in you have no interest in a relationship. What you are doing is basically the same as a man searching for women just for sex. It's selfish. You are getting what you want & not interested at all in providing what the other party wants. Why waste people's time? Join meetup.com
monicaelise Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 You are sounding like an attention whore here. You're INTENT is not to find a man to date yet you think it's ok to go on dates with men who want to date you. Even if it's one or two dates it's still wrong because you know going in you have no interest in a relationship. What you are doing is basically the same as a man searching for women just for sex. It's selfish. You are getting what you want & not interested at all in providing what the other party wants. Why waste people's time? Join meetup.com Agree with you on the time wasting thing, but the OP is doing something much more unreasonable (and kind of sneaky maybe). Women know men are looking for sex on dating sites, and are on some level are doing the same in most cases even if it is within the confines of a committed relationship. The OP is asking whether it's acceptable to expect people who are in a certain milieu, looking for some level of intimacy, to make an exception for her. That's not just a waste of time, it's unfair to the people on the sites. For the record, OP, I'm not on any dating sites or interested in them so I don't have a bias in favour of them.
Author Selina_Kyle Posted December 30, 2012 Author Posted December 30, 2012 (edited) It is interesting to see the attitude of other women. I initially thought men would be hostile to me not other women. I do believe you are right in stating that men on dating sites would hope for a physical relationship as a natural progression of dating...however.. and this is my main point. I don't think they have any RIGHT to hope for any kind of physical intimacy by the end of the second date. And, as I said, I would only "date" them for one/two dates. Maybe you don't see the point of a string of dates, but I work two jobs and would look forward to a night out all week long. Just to do something fun. So, yes, for me there would be a point. So what if it is different men. At least it is fun. And a "date" is very much different from volunteer work or taking a class. With a date you are at ease and friendly and having discussions. You are both trying to impress each other so the partner is automatically attentive and nice. It cannot be compared to a class or volunteer work. It is more one on one. Volunteer work and classes are, well, work. Oh, I see. You thought you were asexual once, but now you have seen the light. ok. Good for you....But please don't make assumptions about me based on your own experience. Glad you are happy. Ok. Just saw the post. Guess males can be hostile as well. But I will look into meetup. Thanks for the link. Edited December 30, 2012 by Selina_Kyle Saw new post
TaraMaiden Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 Your post is bristling with hostility. This just makes me laugh. Forgive me, but it does.... Maybe you don't see the point of a string of dates, but I work two jobs and would look forward to a night out all week long. Just to do something fun. So, yes, for me there would be a point. So what if it is different men. At least it is fun. And a "date" is very much different from volunteer work or taking a class. With a date you are at ease and friendly and having discussions. You are both trying to impress each other so the partner is automatically attentive and nice. It cannot be compared to a class or volunteer work. It is more one on one. Volunteer work and classes are, well, work. if you're asexual - why does it have to be men at all? Why not develop a sound female social circle? You might be at ease, and having friendly discussions, but you can do that with females. What you want is male attention, without feeling any obligation or desire to give anything back. Like I said, if anyone wants the kind of 'friendship' you say you're seeking, you either get a pet, or cultivate same-sex friendships. The fact that you want it with men, gives you a subliminal feeling of one-upmanship. "I'm a woman, strong, confident and desirable. You like my company, and you'd like to have more but tough luck buddy - this is as far as i go. Nice meeting you and have you pay attention to me though...." is what it sounds like. I'm not angry. But you're very insistent on this asexual lark, yet you've done your research, found an awful lot of women think like you, yet very few men do.... men want sex - that's why there appear to be so many married men on these sites. Yet you want to 'date' men with no view to sex? Can't you see how skewed that sounds? That's our point....
sweetkiwi Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 Its not hostility. Youre asking If its right to have a shallow relationship with men on OLD and not having sex with them at all ever. And lying about your intentions. I am not interested in casual sex. Especially on OLD. I just recently quit because it was all Italians looking for sex. Some Americans here looking for it too. I was always upfront about not wanting casual sex. Even had a disclaimer in two places on my profile about not contacting me for casual sex. Just look elsewhere for friendship.
phineas Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 BRB - telling me i'm wrong = "hostile" LOL! Pro-tip, when EVERYONE disagree's with you there is a 99.9% chance you are in fact wrong.
Author Selina_Kyle Posted December 30, 2012 Author Posted December 30, 2012 It is actually very hard to find friendships elsewhere. Dating sites are made for that. However, I will look into meetup.com. I did not know sites like that existed. I don't not understand what ever happened to the whole idea of dating. Just going out and having fun. What is wrong with "attention whoring" to men for one or two dates? I mean, you guys make is sound like I owe every man I go out with a LTR complete with all the physical intimacy he wants from date one onward. Really? Seriously? Yes, I might be after a male's attention, but guess what? He gets mine in return. And my companionship. And I pay my own way. Don't you understand that not every first or second date works out? Sorry, I don't owe him a third date. I just don't.
phineas Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 Its not hostility. Youre asking If its right to have a shallow relationship with men on OLD and not having sex with them at all ever. And lying about your intentions. I am not interested in casual sex. Especially on OLD. I just recently quit because it was all Italians looking for sex. Some Americans here looking for it too. I was always upfront about not wanting casual sex. Even had a disclaimer in two places on my profile about not contacting me for casual sex. Just look elsewhere for friendship. FYI, here in the states many woman put the above in their profiles. But they do have sex on the first date if they find the guy hot enough. I've met a few women from OLD that after sex said they really didn't want a relationship then disappear fro a few months only to call me up again when they got lonely. I now know how women feel when players hit & quit then come around again looking for some more.
TaraMaiden Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 You don't get it. people go on dating sites with a view to friendship DEVELOPING into relationships. Like I said: if you just want it to be social, join clubs with various activities, meet people of all genders, and/or get a pet. The question turns round: Why do you want dates with men only, (notwithstanding your equal contribution) if you have no intention of developing that scenario into something more? That's the question you need to ask yourself. it's not that they might want/believe they're going to have sex by date#2 or #3 - it's that you're 'dating' them with absolutely no intention of even considering it as an option, any time!
monicaelise Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 But if you go into it knowing that "it's not going to work out" because you've already decided going in that you don't want what normal dating usually leads to, you're kind of being a user. I think this is why phineas likened you to the men who just chase women for sex. If you want to "date" like that make sure you have the decency to do exactly as men who play this game do, and foot the bill for everything. Pay your way and his, then you can play the game by your rules.
phineas Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 It is actually very hard to find friendships elsewhere. Dating sites are made for that. However, I will look into meetup.com. I did not know sites like that existed. I don't not understand what ever happened to the whole idea of dating. Just going out and having fun. What is wrong with "attention whoring" to men for one or two dates? I mean, you guys make is sound like I owe every man I go out with a LTR complete with all the physical intimacy he wants from date one onward. Really? Seriously? Yes, I might be after a male's attention, but guess what? He gets mine in return. And my companionship. And I pay my own way. Don't you understand that not every first or second date works out? Sorry, I don't owe him a third date. I just don't. what part of the word "intent" don't you understand? Don't be purposefully ignorant.
Author Selina_Kyle Posted December 30, 2012 Author Posted December 30, 2012 You don't get it. it's not that they might want/believe they're going to have sex by date#2 or #3 - it's that you're 'dating' them with absolutely no intention of even considering it as an option, any time! Why is that unfair to them? Don't I have a right to decide we aren't a good match after a date or two? How does that hurt them? Dates are just that. Dates. There is no commitment there (especially after only one or two). People on those sites should expect to have a bunch of dates that don't work out. That's just life.
anne1707 Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 But you are not deciding they aren't a good match AFTER the dates. You have decided BEFORE. That is why this is wrong. 2
Author Selina_Kyle Posted December 30, 2012 Author Posted December 30, 2012 Ok. Well thank you for your input. I will consider what you wrote. (Also will join meetup.com or look into other sites like this. Honestly did not know they were around.) Wish me luck!
TaraMaiden Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 Why is that unfair to them? Don't I have a right to decide we aren't a good match after a date or two? How does that hurt them? Dates are just that. Dates. There is no commitment there (especially after only one or two). People on those sites should expect to have a bunch of dates that don't work out. That's just life. You already have a plan. You've already decided you're going into a date, with no intention of allowing it to progress. You have made the pre-emptive decision - for both of you - that it's not going to happen. What gives you the right to expect they'll stick around for more of the same? Your indignation indicates a self-justification which is completely out of place in the dating world. This is not the reason people date. The reason people - notice I said people, not men - date, is to find a partner with whom they can interact on all levels. You are missing a vital component.
monicaelise Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 Why is that unfair to them? Don't I have a right to decide we aren't a good match after a date or two? How does that hurt them? Dates are just that. Dates. There is no commitment there (especially after only one or two). People on those sites should expect to have a bunch of dates that don't work out. That's just life. LOL you don't see anything inconsistent or illogical about what you're saying here? You claim you want friendships but now you're saying that you have a right decide whether things "work out" after a date or two? What exactly is it that isn't working out in this scenario? If you were honestly looking for a friend to hang out with, you wouldn't be worrying about "a bunch of dates that didn't work out". I've never decided to stop seeing a friend because we weren't a "good match" and the majority of my friends are male. Don't go on dates. You're not interested in dating. You're interested in ...well I'm not exactly sure what you're interested in tbh. It sure as hell isn't dating. Perhaps you out to take some time to figure out why you "hate" sex but feel comfortable being taken out and entertained by a male. Something is amiss here.
Recommended Posts