How do I know if he's serious?

December 30, 2012

I'm sorry it's long, I know everyone clicks away when they see a long post like this, but if it helps, I've been told I'm a good writer . I tried to keep it short and cut out any unnecessary details, but you know how it goes. I would really appreciate anyone who can help. :/

My ex boyfriend and I (both 20) broke up about a month and a half ago after only dating for a month.

He said that we weren't working out and that he needed to be alone for a while to figure out all the "drama" in his life. He felt that he was under pressure from all angles(school/work/parents/friends/depression) and that starting a new relationship was too much. However, he mentioned something about his ex (who was cheated on by his roommate/best friend) being over and upset and he didn't want something to happen, which put a whole new spin on everything for me.

Next day after break up and the week following he kept telling me he still liked me. A week later he said he was over his emotional breakdown and asking if he could be with me again. I was skeptical the whole time because of the ex girlfriend thing (thinking maybe he had tried to rekindle that and it didn't work), so I said we could talk later. I figured it would be pretty cut and dry, if all he wanted was to not be alone or something he would give up on me and find somebody else.

I didn't hear from him for a couple of weeks, then a few days ago again, I like you. I brushed him off again. Then the next day, he said he missed cuddling with me and basically said he wasn't over me even though he knew he was the one to mess it all up. He said he just wanted a redo of everything that had happened and to be a part of my life. He wants to start dating again but at a slower pace, "not so sexual". **The only thing we had ever not agreed on was sex. He had never had to wait with other girls, while I wanted to wait until I felt like we were pretty stable (a few months). He was frustrated, but we talked about it and he seemed to understand, saying it was stupid to compare what happened with his exs to me. But sometimes it seemed like he was putting too much importance on it. When he said "a slower pace", I burst out laughing of course ("i told you so").

Next day, he said he knows he's the problem. He's realized that he has a habit of "always making himself unhappy" and says that he knows he's lying to himself now. He thinks that now that he's owning up to that, he's able to be happy with someone now. He says that he realizes now that he's his own worst enemy. **I don't identify with these feelings at all, so I don't know how seriously to take him.

This took me by surprise. He's not usually so open about things like that.

Tonight he seemed upset that I didn't have time to talk and I've noticed he's made a habit of subtlety hinting that he misses me every time we talk.

Right now, I'm hoping to be able to sit down and talk to him face to face once we're both back from winter break. Is that reasonable or am I kidding myself? I would like to be with him IN A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP if that's an option, I'm just not sure if it is or not... or how to know.

December 30, 2012

I'm sorry it's long, I know everyone clicks away when they see a long post like this, but if it helps, I've been told I'm a good writer . I tried to keep it short and cut out any unnecessary details, but you know how it goes. I would really appreciate anyone who can help. :/

My ex boyfriend and I (both 20) broke up about a month and a half ago after only dating for a month.
He said that we weren't working out and that he needed to be alone for a while to figure out all the "drama" in his life. He felt that he was under pressure from all angles(school/work/parents/friends/depression) and that starting a new relationship was too much. However, he mentioned something about his ex (who was cheated on by his roommate/best friend) being over and upset and he didn't want something to happen, which put a whole new spin on everything for me.

Next day after break up and the week following he kept telling me he still liked me. A week later he said he was over his emotional breakdown and asking if he could be with me again. I was skeptical the whole time because of the ex girlfriend thing (thinking maybe he had tried to rekindle that and it didn't work), so I said we could talk later. I figured it would be pretty cut and dry, if all he wanted was to not be alone or something he would give up on me and find somebody else.

I didn't hear from him for a couple of weeks, then a few days ago again, I like you. I brushed him off again. Then the next day, he said he missed cuddling with me and basically said he wasn't over me even though he knew he was the one to mess it all up. He said he just wanted a redo of everything that had happened and to be a part of my life. He wants to start dating again but at a slower pace, "not so sexual". **The only thing we had ever not agreed on was sex. He had never had to wait with other girls, while I wanted to wait until I felt like we were pretty stable (a few months). He was frustrated, but we talked about it and he seemed to understand, saying it was stupid to compare what happened with his exs to me. But sometimes it seemed like he was putting too much importance on it. When he said "a slower pace", I burst out laughing of course ("i told you so").

Next day, he said he knows he's the problem. He's realized that he has a habit of "always making himself unhappy" and says that he knows he's lying to himself now. He thinks that now that he's owning up to that, he's able to be happy with someone now. He says that he realizes now that he's his own worst enemy. **I don't identify with these feelings at all, so I don't know how seriously to take him.

This took me by surprise. He's not usually so open about things like that.

Tonight he seemed upset that I didn't have time to talk and I've noticed he's made a habit of subtlety hinting that he misses me every time we talk.
Right now, I'm hoping to be able to sit down and talk to him face to face once we're both back from winter break. Is that reasonable or am I kidding myself? I would like to be with him IN A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP if that's an option, I'm just not sure if it is or not... or how to know.

So basically he is admitting he was the problem to everything in the relationship? Hmmm, I hate to say it, but I have done this without actually believing it, just to get a girl back. The time frame you have suggested (1 week after breaking up) is really short. He probably tried to get back with his ex... I think your gut instinct is right there. You only dated for a month, it's really not that long.

Keep in mind you are only 20 and there are going to be tons of options for you in the next 5 years.

The real question is....Do YOU want to try and have a relationship with this guy anyway? Is he worth your time and effort? Maybe he is, or maybe he isn't. Your post seems to indicate you could go on without him without too much trouble. I don't get the sense you trust him either. That's a fundamental building block for a healthy relationship.

The ball is clearly in your court, and the next move yours. Either you like and trust this guy enough to try again, or just move on to the next. Is he genuinely trying to change his ways? At his age, he is just trying to find his way....

December 30, 2012

Unless he says,

"I am so sorry, I really was a jerk, I promise I will get counselling/therapy, but you are the one for me, I know you are, please, please give me a chance to prove that to you - would you let me try again?"

Run.

Run, and don't look back.

He's a lot of drama.

Do you really want to have to cope with that?

December 30, 2012

Unless he says,

"I am so sorry, I really was a jerk, I promise I will get counselling/therapy, but you are the one for me, I know you are, please, please give me a chance to prove that to you - would you let me try again?"

Run.
Run, and don't look back.
He's a lot of drama.

Do you really want to have to cope with that?

But that's the thing, I don't believe that he could possibly know whether I'm the love of his life like you are suggesting after only one month of being together, so I'm torn as to how much he needs to do to get me back. Counseling would be great, for his own sake. I think he would get something out of it, but I don't feel like I'm in the position to demand it of him. I want to suggest it to him when I get the opportunity.

December 30, 2012

I'm not suggesting this is exactly what he will say.

What I'm saying is that any approach to reconcile should sound contrite and honest.

I just wrote 'something' to give you an idea of what an honest attempt at reconciliation should sound like.........

Anything else is just breadcrumbs.

December 30, 2012

So basically he is admitting he was the problem to everything in the relationship? Hmmm, I hate to say it, but I have done this without actually believing it, just to get a girl back. The time frame you have suggested (1 week after breaking up) is really short. He probably tried to get back with his ex... I think your gut instinct is right there.

-I'm definitely going to ask about it. I haven't had the chance to talk to him in person yet, since we're both on winter break from college. It's really hard to judge based on text and phone calls. But what I don't understand is why he would want me back if when we broke up he said we didn't work together. He said something like "I'm not able to be what you want and you're not willing to be what I want" *he never told me what it was he wanted

The real question is....Do YOU want to try and have a relationship with this guy anyway? Is he worth your time and effort? Maybe he is, or maybe he isn't. Your post seems to indicate you could go on without him without too much trouble. I don't get the sense you trust him either. That's a fundamental building block for a healthy relationship.

-For whatever stupid reason, I do. He's so different than any guy I've met before. And believe me I'm no fan of drama, I'm the girl who in fifth grade quit cheerleading because my team argued over pompoms, lol. I think I sort of feel like I'm stable enough in myself to handle break ups, should it happen again. Am I an idiot for wanting to make my own mistakes? lol You're right, right now I don't trust him the way I should, but is there any hope of getting past that, assuming he makes some changes? As unlikely as it sounds, he seems different, like he's happier/more focused on good things. And not just with me, but his friends seem to notice too. How that could happen in a month or two, I don't know and I'm wary of, but it's not what I was expecting at all.

I know no one can give me concrete answers as to what is going on in his head, but I really appreciate the response. Thank you!

Edited December 30, 2012 by ChristineP

December 30, 2012

Unless he says,

"I am so sorry, I really was a jerk, I promise I will get counselling/therapy, but you are the one for me, I know you are, please, please give me a chance to prove that to you - would you let me try again?"

Run.
Run, and don't look back.
He's a lot of drama.

Do you really want to have to cope with that?

Would you really want to get back with a guy who's pathetic enough to say/act like that?

December 30, 2012

What do you think he should say/do to come back?

December 31, 2012

What do you think he should say/do to come back?

Maybe that's the rub, no matter what, after a break up the relationship is beyond repair, nothing after can change it back to how it was.

However, In direct response to your question; is simply being honest and sincere, "I've thought hard about this, and i've made a mistake. I want to work things out again," not a more respectful way of re-initiating?

Of course, this would need to be backed up by their actions.

Or would you say that is not enough?

December 31, 2012

Would you really want to get back with a guy who's pathetic enough to say/act like that?

Everyone has to start somewhere. If he is really trying, then good for him on trying to improve himself.

That's a bit harsh IMO.

December 31, 2012

However, In direct response to your question; is simply being honest and sincere, "I've thought hard about this, and i've made a mistake. I want to work things out again," not a more respectful way of re-initiating?

Of course, this would need to be backed up by their actions.

Or would you say that is not enough?

I agree. I think holding out for him to beg is ridiculous and unrealistic not to mention that it sounds like a game. There is only so much that could be said. I don't think I would want someone who would make me grovel, were I in that situation, as it shows that there's not much respect there. My problem as it stands is that he has basically said that he knows he screwed things up, and wants another chance to do it over. He has mentioned certain things that he wants to change, but I'm just scared I'd be falling for a line if I believe him. Part of me wants to take that risk, and part of me doesn't want to look like an idiot if it doesn't work out. :/ As for actions reflecting words, all I have to go on that has stood out is the fact that he's been so persistent/consistent about wanting to try again. But again, I don't want to be reading into it more than is realistic.

December 31, 2012

Christine..

You should maybe try looking at his actions. It is really true actions speak louder than words. It's hard to judge over distance, but you can analyze how he speaks to you, and ask yourself if you feel respected. Go with your gut feeling- if it's off, it's off for a reason.

He wasn't over his ex when he broke up with you and still had unresolved feelings. Being cheated on hurts very much, and it isn't something someone gets over quickly. However, with that being said, it's also on him to make sure he gets his feelings resolved before he can ask for a relationship with you. What actions is he taking to address this? You should ask him this when you want to know about his actions. This is additional information you can use to help you decide what to do with him.

Otherwise, it isn't a healthy relationship if he brings his baggage in with you, and it will turn into heartache for you. Sometimes, even if you are ready for a relationship, it doesn't always mean the other person is too, and you need to be on the look out for that when you're considering your options.

It's tough, I know. Perhaps maintaining some distance will help, and let him know you're giving him some time to sort his issues out. Be there as a friend if you want to, and get to know him again. It'll also give you some time to decide whether he's genuine about being with you again. Good luck!

December 31, 2012

Maybe that's the rub, no matter what, after a break up the relationship is beyond repair, nothing after can change it back to how it was.

However, In direct response to your question; is simply being honest and sincere, "I've thought hard about this, and i've made a mistake. I want to work things out again," not a more respectful way of re-initiating?

Of course, this would need to be backed up by their actions.

Or would you say that is not enough?

See my post #5.

I agree with you, it was just a way of putting things - but not THE way....

But what is more important is the Action, not the Words.... On this, we're in complete agreement.

Edited December 31, 2012 by TaraMaiden

January 2, 2013

Not to be a dick or anything, but you guys are 20 years old....you guys should be learning about love/relationships the old fashioned way - by making mistakes. It is truly the way you discover life..I'm not saying go out there and get pregnant, but man before the internet - we had to figure all this sh.it out on our own. Everyone on this board can give you advice, but the truth of the matter is we don't really know you two, and at 20 years old, it's hard to say you two even know who you really are and where this relationship is even going to go. I'll bet you that when you both are 30, you guys will be with different people.

So live for the moment, especially in your youth..clearly you want to be with this guy so why not? Healthy relationship has different meaning for different people - you're not going to know for sure if it's the relationship you want unless you try. LIVE AND LEARN.

The alternative would be to not try bc you are afraid the relationship might not be exactly what you want even though you say right now that you want to be with this guy.

Although you sound naive and seem to second guess yourself a lot, you also sound like a smart girl so go with your gut instinct.

January 2, 2013

Not to be a dick or anything, but you guys are 20 years old....you guys should be learning about love/relationships the old fashioned way - by making mistakes. It is truly the way you discover life..I'm not saying go out there and get pregnant, but man before the internet - we had to figure all this sh.it out on our own. Everyone on this board can give you advice, but the truth of the matter is we don't really know you two, and at 20 years old, it's hard to say you two even know who you really are and where this relationship is even going to go. I'll bet you that when you both are 30, you guys will be with different people.

So live for the moment, especially in your youth..clearly you want to be with this guy so why not? Healthy relationship has different meaning for different people - you're not going to know for sure if it's the relationship you want unless you try. LIVE AND LEARN.

The alternative would be to not try bc you are afraid the relationship might not be exactly what you want even though you say right now that you want to be with this guy.

Although you sound naive and seem to second guess yourself a lot, you also sound like a smart girl so go with your gut instinct.

This is exactly how I felt when this whole thing started, I'm just needed someone to give me a push. Thank you! I think that's exactly what I needed to hear.

January 2, 2013

This is exactly how I felt when this whole thing started, I'm just needed someone to give me a push. Thank you! I think that's exactly what I needed to hear.

Fasho, I wish I was 20 again, I would try to be making as many mistakes as I could lol..best of luck to you two

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