Lovesick and hoping for relief

[shoesz]

Hello all, first time poster here. I apologize in advance for what is sure to be a long post. I feel as if I am at the end of my rope, and need someone to talk to. Since I don't know who that someone could be, I've come here hoping for any insight or help I can get. I would greatly appreciate it.

 

2 months ago my girlfriend, the girl who meant more to me than anything or anyone ever has, left me. But I'm getting ahead of myself...

 

Last April I met the most wonderful girl, and it seemed like a miracle, as if it was meant to happen. We seemed to be kindred spirits with many things in common. I was desperately in love right from the beginning. Unfortunately, before we could really get the relationship off the ground, she was forced to leave and spend a share of the summer with her family, who live in another country. I was devastated, of course, but it turned out to be for the best. We wrote some of sweetest, most loving letters/emails back and forth to one another all during that time, that by the time she was to come back there was no doubt in either of our minds that we were meant to be together.

 

After she returned we began seeing a lot of each other. It might sound sappy but our first real date together after she returned stands out in my mind as the best night of my life. I'll leave out the details, but the next couple of months were sheer bliss, and I'd never been happier.

 

One night while talking we were being particularly effusive in our declarations of love. All seemed to be going extremely well, but out of nowhere she said "i really love you. i would come back for you if i ever had to leave for an extended period of time, like for school or work." I was so taken aback by this, that I asked what she meant. She revealed to me that she was looking to go to a distant grad school in a year's time, and I freaked. She had previously suggested that after I found steady work we should get an apartment together, so I was surprised to hear that she was planning to leave. I suggested perhaps she could take a semester or a year off, so that we might live together for a while, then after that time I would be willing to move with her whereever she decided to go. But she was offended at this suggestion. Perhaps I was wrong to suggest such a thing, but in the heat of the moment, having this news sprung on me like it was, I tried to come up with any scheme that might keep us together. She took this as me not trusting her and not having faith that we could make it work long distance. And perhaps worst of all, she saw it as me trying to trap her and control her life. That night, after being so loving earlier, she asked me if we could take a break from the relationship and reassess things. Eventually I convinced her that we shouldn't take a break, and that I would take the time to calm myself, to come to grips with the situation and be better prepared to discuss it in the future.

 

But, of course, things weren't the same after that night. The changes weren't that obvious in the beginning, perhaps she texted me or told me she loved me just a little bit less often than she used to, but as the next few weeks went on she got progressively more and more distant. I was beginning to get worried but then one night she spent $80 on me, buying me clothes and dinner. This calmed my nerves a bit. But when I drove her home things took an unpleasant turn. As I parked my car she said that she was thinking of something, but didn't want to upset me. After I told her it was okay to tell me, she said that she didn't think I really loved her. Her reasoning for this was based on how poorly I handled her grad school announcement. When she said this I cried right in front of her. I told her that I did handle that news/discussion poorly, but that I would be more understanding in the future, and that I did absolutely love her. She smiled and told me she loved me too.

 

But the following night she was more standoffish again. And I remember as we were sitting in the restaurant she asked me if i thought we would get married...it felt like a trick question, as though she wanted to see if i really did have plans to trap her for the rest of her life. And then after I drove her home she asked me if i would be okay with her going to get lunch with her ex. I didn't say that I was against it, but she determined from my body language that I did not like the idea, and became visibly upset with me again. I am all but certain that this was yet another test. I want to reiterate that I did not tell her that she shouldn't go, I merely acted as most males would in such a case. She neglected to mention that her ex has a different girlfriend now, a detail she conveniently left out until after we were broken up.

 

The following week things blew up. I had endured several days of her giving me the cold shoulder, and I was determined that while we were on our date I would confront the issue and get us to really talk through this problem. Of course, when I tried to do just that, she said she wanted to leave immediately. I asked her if we were through, and she said she didn't want to say yes and regret it. She proposed once again that we take a break. She said that she would contact me when she was ready. Feeling I had no other choice I accepted. I was angry that she refused to confront the issue, but being madly in love with her I once again agreed to let her call the shots. The break, of course, was a disaster. She contacted me a couple days later, and I replied. It was just simple friendly talk, I was trying to respect her wish for space. But whenever I would do the same (contact her every few days) she would either take hours to get back to me or not respond at all. Of course I grew angry, thinking "oh i see how it works: you contact me, I respond. I contact you, you make me suffer." Eventually I told her that I just couldn't take it any more, that I was okay with giving space if I knew it was serving a purpose, but that I had the impression she was using it to make breaking up with me easy on herself, to allow her to do it slowly and make things a little less upsetting. She told me that my saying that to her "proved to her that she can't be with me". A couple nights later she contacted me saying "i guess being friends doesn't interest you?" I said "is that what you want?" and she said "for now, yes. I don't want to lose you as a friend." I declined, saying that it would be too painful and unfair to my true feelings.

 

I couldn't believe how quickly she turned cold on me. She told me that i was her soul-mate, that she wanted us to live together and grow old together. She told me she'd take care of me if I were ever ill or injured, and yet the minute she has her first doubt about me she just ignores me completely and treats me like garbage. To think that one issue could alter her feelings entirely in such a short amount of time flabbergasts me even now.

 

I was devastated but I went into no contact right away, or at least some variation of it. I never contacted her, but I would reply if she reached out to me, which she would every few days. It seemed to me that this method was working somewhat, that she was having trouble letting me go cold turkey. Eventually one night about a month after the relationship she asked me if i would be interested in having casual sex with her. I, unfortunately, agreed because I hoped it could lead to something more. After I agreed she sent me some messages that would make a sailor blush. We made plans to go to dinner a couple nights later, both saying that we'd missed seeing the other. Well, the night before our get-together, when I tried to see what time i should pick her up, she tells me that her friend said he doesn't think it's a good idea for her to see me. I, being the hot-tempered idiot i am, blew up. I badmouthed him pretty badly and this led to our worst fight ever. I was so upset because I had hung out with this guy before and I thought he liked me. He is not a romantic threat, but he has been her friend for years and she trusts his opinion. I hated his guts for trying to stand between us. Anyways, this fight ended everything: no date, no casual sex, nothing.

 

A week or three went by of very limited contact. We got past the fight, after I apologized, but she was more distant than ever. I figured I'd ruined things for good by flipping out and showing her how wrapped up I still was in her. And one night I gave up, I sent her a few loooong texts detailing every reason why we should be together, how much i loved her, etc. I told her that I couldn't go on wondering, and that if she told me this time that we weren't getting back together I would understand and walk away for good. She replied that she "didn't think she was ready to be more than friends". I asked if she would at least see me, and she said that she would.

 

So we hung out a week and a half ago, and things went well, I thought. Her body language read very well, she laughed at all of my jokes and kept finding excuses to touch me: fake punches, etc. We spent about 5 hours together and just generally enjoyed each other's company. I hoped that showing her we could still have fun together would get her to remember the old days, when she called me her "soul mate" and said she wanted to grow old with me. A couple nights later I made my move. Unfortunately she said "i'm sorry, but i really don't want anything right now." I thought I had a chance, but I guess I was wrong.

 

Perhaps because she knows how much i still want her, she assumes I'll always be there should she ever change her mind. Everytime I've asked her about rekindling the relationship she's said things like she "doesn't think she's ready" or wants to just be friends "for now". I can't get a clear answer. But I've gone into no contact again. She texted me on christmas saying that she hoped mine was wonderful, and i just said "thanks. i hope yours was good too." This is now the longest we've gone without speaking to each other since we broke up 2 months ago (5 days).

 

Does anyone have any advice? I know no contact is likely the best option for me: it helps me heal and also may make her reassess her decision once she sees that i'm not going to continue to hang around and fawn over her. But it's hard. I feel in my blood that it's not over, that the final chapter hasn't been written on us, but perhaps the evidence suggests otherwise. Thanks to anyone who had the patience to read all of this. It must have been a dreadful bore, i'm sorry. These past two months have been the worst of my life and I only wish there were some relief in sight. I still love her, despite all. I no longer harbor any ill will towards her on account of the break up, and I really feel I would be a better partner now should things ever be prepared. The odds may be slim, but I'm holding out hope.

Edited December 30, 2012 by shoesz

[cavalier99]

Sorry your having a rough time. First of all it is 100% over. You need to kill all hope because this will totally destroy you holding onto this. You need complete and total NC to burn this woman of of your brain and start to heal.

 

She is using you to move on slowly. She gets better. You get worse and insane.

 

You need to stop this. Keep you self respect. That is all we have right now. Set your boundary. Tell her you are done you wont ever be friends and to never contact you again. Then block her on everything.

 

The madness will end and after a few weeks you will begin to feel somewhat removed form the intense emotions you have now. But it doesn't work without NC. Also cry, mourn get it all out but DON'T contact her. Disappear like a ninja! Its tough but it is the path forward to healing.

 

Good luck

 

PS Read this NC guide also the pinned guide by NO FOOLIN in the Coping Forum

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/281193-all-new-no-contact-thread

Edited December 30, 2012 by cavalier99

[todreaminblue]

She listened to a long term friend instead of her professed "soul mate" int hat regard she didnt see you as a soul mate......i am sorry that you are so hurt, and broken, hey im broken too you wrote final chapter i didnt get a chance to show someone i have fallen for the first chapter, that's hard too i don't think break ups get easier or less intense, when you truly feel for someone

 

 

i do know that true love will survive the first fight and the second blow up and all that come after part of a relationship is disagreeing and compromise.....friends shouldtn get a shoe in long term or not.....even family should see if the relationship is based on mutual love and respect they should get behind it and be their as support in a kind and compassionate way....the thing is people tend to go for support when they feel confused and upset with their partner and everything they say is negative.....when i hav egoen fro support hwoever when i am in a relationship i am always two sied i give my negativity or vent....and as soon as they say something negative...i will do my own therapy and give them a barrage of positives about my partner or what he has done or does...in the end i confuse them....they say to m e...."deb do what you know is right you will anyway you wont listen to m e" i say ok i will sorry for the vent and thanks for listening.they hug me and i go my merry way.....working on it myself..smilin......your love sounds one sided not mutual.....it wotn work if it i s...it wont work if she listens to others and not you......maybe she might in the future if she truly feels soul mate type love....she will.......by no contact you set her free to choose...if she comes back she is yours...she knows you love her...so that wont be an insecurity the lvoe si there on yoru behalf...the fight should have been able to be resolved she should have expected you to be upset and thrown...there was no empathy on her behalf for you and your feelings.....thats not really fair you know...it should be equal thought if you guys were planning on being together....casual sex will not cement your relationship in this respect, trust me sex is what happens when yoru relationship is secure and committed only.....thats the only way it works when you care deeply for someone.........it will bond you more to her because you are that type of guy...she is not in th esame place you are...she got offended when you asked her to live with you....then casual sex....this could be the issue.....think hard about that conversation, those two conversations and her reactions to both, then the fact when she said my friend said we shouldnt meet up it was for the casual sex wasnt it????? theres something unsiad in there ....what was her tone when you said about living together.....deb

[TaraMaiden]

cavalier99 has bagged it.

 

And as for the NC guide?

 

Couldn't have put it better myself.....

[Gottabestrong]

Hi shoesz,

this sucks, I am sorry you are going through this. I agree with cavalier, your best option right now is to cut all contact with her. Not only don't contact her, but also don't reply if she contacts you, unless it is with something along the lines of "I changed my mind. I want to be with you. Will you give us another chance?"

 

Staying in touch with her really makes the breakup easier on her but more difficult on you. Don't think that if you breakup now you will never get back together. If it is meant to be, you can still find your way back to each other down the line a few years from now. Or even in a few months if she changes her mind, but right now, it is over. She told you so. You can't change that. All you can do is protect your pride by walking away.

[shoesz]

Thanks, guys. I appreciate each and every response.

 

@cavalier - I agree, it does seem as though she wants to be able to talk to me from time to time soas to make it easier on herself. I should have stayed with how I was was after we first broke up, only talking to her when she contacts me first. One night she texted me really late saying that she was staying the night at the library becaushe she had had a fight with her roommate, and so i made the mistake of contacting her the next day asking if she was all right/if she wanted to talk about it some more. Curiously she acted like nothing ever happened. Idk if they really did fight of if she wanted attention or what...remember this is when I was never initiating contact. But of course, once I did start showing interest again she pulled back. But yes, I am going no contact once more, though I confess I find it really hard not to respond when she contacts me. She is shy and stubborn, and I feel that if I don't respond to something she says she will just refuse to speak to me again, regardless of how she feels.

 

@todreaminblue - It was originally her idea to move in together. It was also she who first made comments about us growing old together etc. I guess that is why I didn't think it out of line for me to start looking towards the future/our future. But she was not one bit fond of the idea of delaying grad school for our relationship's sake. In fact, any issue we've ever had, I've always been expected to make all the adjustments/sacrifices. If i were to ask anything of her, I would get accused of being overbearing or selfish. But of course, because I cared so much for her, I was willing to put up with this.

 

@gottabestrong - Yes, I agree with you entirely. No contact really is what I need to do at this point. I have tried everything else, it seems. I've tried giving space, I've tried trying to rationalize with her/reminding her of why we are good for each other, I've tried just boldly declaring my love...nothing. My last option is just to disappear and let her face a life completely devoid of my presence. I'm also glad to see some optimism in your words. I know most will tell me to move on completely, but this is the first time I've ever truly fallen for someone, and to just walk away without a fight feels wrong. I don't want anyone other than her. And although I am done reaching out to her and begging for her, I am trusting in the universe to do what is right, to lead us wherever it may. I would regret it if I let someone as swell as me go .

 

Thanks again, guys. I am certainly not healed yet, but I'm getting better. It had been years since I'd cried, but on account of all this I've cried many times. The tears are far less frequent now and I am hoping to get to the point where I am okay, regardless of what ends up happening. And I believe she was sincere when she told me she loved me/wanted to be with me, so it is difficult for me to understand how that all changed so quickly/why she wasn't willing to work through our problems with me.

Edited December 30, 2012 by shoesz

[coffeebean201]

She certainly likes to message you.

 

Anyways, sounds like she wants to settle down eventually.

 

Were you at all part of her future plans?

 

Being "in love" isn't enough momentum to carry a couple through a lifetime. Did you share lives, goals and projects together?

 

Maybe that is where she lost interest.

 

Who is this guy friend of hers? Did they date in the past?

[cavalier99]

Here is the deal. You already fought for her. You unfortunately cant make her change her mind and being in contact will actually work against you. If she was going to change her mind (and she wont) it would be by disappearing and implementing NC.

 

I know that going NC seems so daunting and sooooo final but it is what is needed to feel better. Remember this is about you now. You can keep on trying and playing this game but the deck is stacked against you. You will prolong your suffering guaranteed. Mark my words.

 

But the choice is your obviously and sometime we need to learn our own lessons. We have all been thru this so we know. Believe me i wish i could go back and just do NC from the beginning. I would have saved myself more pain and my self respect. Most of us feel this way but either way you will find out soon enough. The question is if you do it on your terms or hers.

[shoesz]

hi coffeebean ,

 

Yes, I think when things were going well (before the grad school discussion), she did have plans for me in the future. She had asked me to go and stay with her family for a month over the summer, and she told me that I was the first boyfriend she'd ever had that she could see in her distant future. But it seems that she does not like anyone trying to control her in any way, and my suggesting that she put off grad school for a while to work on our relationship made her think of me as controlling. Of course what I said was merely a suggestion born of a sudden tumult of emotion; I hadn't had time to really come to terms with the news of her wanting to go away to grad school. It just seemed that after that moment everything changed. It was like she started seeing me as an enemy, and nothing I could do from then on could get her to put her guard back down and let me back in.

 

Her friend is an ex-coworker, and their relationship seems purely brotherly/sisterly. We all hung out together a few times, and he never showed the least sign of jealousy whenever she and I would show one another affection. He may be territorial in a way, as males can be, and secretly want me out of the picture anyways though. I was angry that he felt he could say I wasn't good for her, when his only evidence to suggest such a thing are things that she's said to him when she was obviously frustrated with me for one reason or another. And of course I lost some ground with my ex when I told her to tell him to shut his mouth :X.

 

@cavalier - I do understand what you're saying, but why are you so certain that there is no going back, that she will never reconsider. After all, she has never said that we are finished for good; in fact, she seems hesitant to let me go completely, as if there is some inkling of a doubt. I am not saying that the odds of her changing her mind are good, but I don't think it's impossible. I am going to go no contact, so don't worry about me fighting for her in any active sense, but I still wonder how she will feel when she no longer has me in her life at all.

Edited December 30, 2012 by shoesz

[crashvector]

Sorry your having a rough time. First of all it is 100% over. You need to kill all hope because this will totally destroy you holding onto this. You need complete and total NC to burn this woman of of your brain and start to heal.

 

She is using you to move on slowly. She gets better. You get worse and insane.

 

 

This.

 

this is why I could NEVER have a LDR. I just couldnt. I'd want to hug and kiss her and hold her hand, etc.

 

I wouldnt be able to do it.

[shoesz]

I don't know, I know I probably sound foolish and many of you have gone through these things before and know better than I do, but it is so hard to let go.

 

The reason I feel like there may be some hope is because when I would try to make a move to get her back she would say she just wants to be friends "for now" or she "isn't ready" to get back together. It seems like she isn't willing to say we're through for good because she isn't entirely sure of herself. I think it was easy for her to keep dragging me along like this because she knew I would continue fawning over her and I would always be right there for her to keep an eye on. Also she knew she could get me back any time, should she change her mind. I never had the guts to go full no contact until now. And even though I tell myself that it is to help me heal as much as anything, I know that deep down I'm doing it for another reason: to try and get her back. My secret hope is that she will start to wonder if she's losing me for good, and then really have to deal with her decision. Then, if she's still okay with it, it's for the best that I'm pulling out now. But I hope she'll miss me and reconsider once I'm no longer there to talk to. I know most of you will think it's hopeless, but she did love me once, not so long ago. And despite our problems, she did want to keep me as a friend.

[cavalier99]

I'm sure because this whole "i want to be friends for a while" and "i just neeed some time" has been repeated countless times for all of us.

 

It always means the same thing 99.9 percent of the time. End of relationship.

 

If she wanted to be with you she would be with you and would be working on things. You NEVER need space form someone you love. She made a decision to leave. However you sugar coat it. SHE LEFT. That is what you need to focus on. Not what she says.

 

I hope I'm wrong but doubt it. Also ask yourself do you really want to be with some one who didn't fight for the relationship and is stringing you along? Don't be her doormat!

[shoesz]

I'm having another really rough night. It takes every bit of strength I have not to contact her. In the 8 months that I've known her I've yet to feel attracted to anyone but her. And that attraction hasn't faded in the least since we broke up. I am worried about my ability to ever move on. And I don't want to move on. I want to tell her that my life is devoid of all meaning without her, but I know that those bold declarations do nothing to convince a woman to take you back. Until she has a change of heart born of self reflection, nothing will ever change. And I guess there is no chance of that ever happening unless I stay in no contact. I worry that she'll find someone new before she gets the chance to really miss me, but I guess that's just the risk I have to take. Big risk/big reward.

 

I guess it's out of my hands. Perhaps there is absolutely nothing I can do, and it is heartbreaking to face that reality. I'm just not ready or willing to move on.