iBerry Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 I've been in a long-distance relationship with my now ex-boyfriend for a couple years. We see each other regularly, despite the distance and are very much in love and attracted to each other. We butt head on a few things and recently we got into a fight because everytime he goes to visit his family out of state, I hear less from him. I am used to talking to him daily for at least an hour (that is how we successfuly maintain our long-distance relationship). Long story short, he said he could call me every couple days for a few minutes, while he is with family for a couple weeks. I was like, "whaatt??, why can't you call me every day, even if just for a few minutes." So it was a stupid fight and it ended with me saying "if you can't take even a few minutes a day to call me then we shouldnt be together! It's over!" The reason I got so upset is because he always does this. Whenever he is with family its like I matter less to him and he gives me whatever is left of his time (if anything). As soon as he goes back to regular life where he lives he is back to being a good boyfriend. It really irritates me! Now I think I probably jumped the gun in breaking up with him but I feel I had every right to be mad. The next day he would not return my calls or respond to my texts. I mustve called him 6 times. The following day I woke up to a text from him saying he was tired of our bickering and that he doesnt think he can do it anymore and that he wished me the best. After that, I sent him a text saying I was sorry and that I loved him but that I understand if he wants to break up but the least he can do is talk to me. No response. Three days later and I had not yet heard anything from him. He finally texted on Christmas Eve saying "(my name) I wish you and your family a merry christmas and the best for the new year." I waited a day to respond and said "same to you." He then continued to ignore me. It has now been a week and a half since our breakup. How can this man who said he loved me only a week and a half ago cut me off so easily! I'm pretty furious. I sent him a text yesterday saying that if he was going to ignore me like this to please not bother contacting me when his trip is over or ever again, as it is immature and disrespectful for him to treat me like this. The least he couldve done is talked to me on the phone instead of breaking up with me over text. So in total, I have sent him about 5 texts since he said he wanted to break-up. I am trying to leave him alone since he is ignoring me. I should say that we have broken up 2 times before (because of the distance) where he has behaved the same way but then we end up back together. He says he ignores me because its too painful to talk to me when he is trying to forget me following our breakups. He bottles up his feelings and pretends like life is fine and then ends up giving in several weeks later and contacting me. I know he loves me but wth! My question is, are there any guys out there that have done this? Where they stop contact cold turkey for a bit but then come around? Would you do this to a girl you love? I'm sick of this honestly. His family trip is over in about 4 days and I know I'll hear from him eventually but when I do, I will be ignoring him back. Give him a taste of his own medicine. I'm pretty upset! I do love him and want to work things out but his behaviour right now is making me question our relationship. If you love someone, how can you ignore them? I understand he may need some space but he didnt even give us a chance to talk at all.
crashvector Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 I've been in a long-distance relationship with my now ex-boyfriend for a couple years. We see each other regularly, despite the distance and are very much in love and attracted to each other. We butt head on a few things and recently we got into a fight because everytime he goes to visit his family out of state, I hear less from him. I am used to talking to him daily for at least an hour (that is how we successfuly maintain our long-distance relationship). Long story short, he said he could call me every couple days for a few minutes, while he is with family for a couple weeks. I was like, "whaatt??, why can't you call me every day, even if just for a few minutes." So it was a stupid fight and it ended with me saying "if you can't take even a few minutes a day to call me then we shouldnt be together! It's over!" The reason I got so upset is because he always does this. Whenever he is with family its like I matter less to him and he gives me whatever is left of his time (if anything). As soon as he goes back to regular life where he lives he is back to being a good boyfriend. It really irritates me! Now I think I probably jumped the gun in breaking up with him but I feel I had every right to be mad. The next day he would not return my calls or respond to my texts. I mustve called him 6 times. The following day I woke up to a text from him saying he was tired of our bickering and that he doesnt think he can do it anymore and that he wished me the best. After that, I sent him a text saying I was sorry and that I loved him but that I understand if he wants to break up but the least he can do is talk to me. No response. Three days later and I had not yet heard anything from him. He finally texted on Christmas Eve saying "(my name) I wish you and your family a merry christmas and the best for the new year." I waited a day to respond and said "same to you." He then continued to ignore me. It has now been a week and a half since our breakup. How can this man who said he loved me only a week and a half ago cut me off so easily! I'm pretty furious. I sent him a text yesterday saying that if he was going to ignore me like this to please not bother contacting me when his trip is over or ever again, as it is immature and disrespectful for him to treat me like this. The least he couldve done is talked to me on the phone instead of breaking up with me over text. So in total, I have sent him about 5 texts since he said he wanted to break-up. I am trying to leave him alone since he is ignoring me. I should say that we have broken up 2 times before (because of the distance) where he has behaved the same way but then we end up back together. He says he ignores me because its too painful to talk to me when he is trying to forget me following our breakups. He bottles up his feelings and pretends like life is fine and then ends up giving in several weeks later and contacting me. I know he loves me but wth! My question is, are there any guys out there that have done this? Where they stop contact cold turkey for a bit but then come around? Would you do this to a girl you love? I'm sick of this honestly. His family trip is over in about 4 days and I know I'll hear from him eventually but when I do, I will be ignoring him back. Give him a taste of his own medicine. I'm pretty upset! I do love him and want to work things out but his behaviour right now is making me question our relationship. If you love someone, how can you ignore them? I understand he may need some space but he didnt even give us a chance to talk at all. The time issue is apparently what has broke up my fiance and I, too. Typically, but not always...damn..I dont wanna be the one to say it... He's not going to tell you he loves you one day then all of a sudden disappear on you unless there's someone else. I'd think it would be safe to say that would be the case 90% of the time at least. doing the passive-aggressive return-ignore thing is indicative of the fact that you two are NOT right for each other. I would suggest you two end things amicably before you just simply tear each other to pieces. How much of a shame would THAT be? Agree to split while you two still actually sort of LIKe each other...do NOT wait until you hate each other's guts. Allow both of you to walk away with your dignity intact.
Author iBerry Posted December 30, 2012 Author Posted December 30, 2012 I can say with 100% certainty that he is not cheating on me. He is not that kind of a person and we have had zero trust issues in our relationship. We are very open with each other in terms of allowing each other to look at each others' phones and knowing each others' passwords to everything. I guess when he goes to visit his family they have all these activities planned (he only sees them a couple times per year) and he is pretty busy. Still bugs me though. But yeah, I guess it's time to breakup for good while we dont hate each others' guts.
crashvector Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 But yeah, I guess it's time to breakup for good while we dont hate each others' guts. Trust me when i say this, because it comes from the bottom of my heart: DONT allow things to get so bad that you hate each other. end things BEFORE you start tearing each other down. It just causes unnecessary pain for the both of you...to watch a good love go completely sour and black. I'm not saying to dump someone you actually are in love with...just saying end it before it gets to the point of resentment. There is NO greater shame that hanging on until you start hating the other person and tearing them to shreds emotionally. Please...listen to me on this.
Gottabestrong Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 iBerry, it sounds to me like you are broken up already. First you said it, but then you kept contacting him. He ignored you but finally replied with a breakup of his own, you kept contacting him, he kept ignoring you. You told him to never contact you again, which so far he has not. My advice: save your pride and Please don't contact him again. If you are sure he will contact you after he comes back from his trip, then wait and see if he will and what he says. Stop chasing after him. If the fact that he does not want to call you daily while he is away is a deal breaker for you, then break the deal. Which you already have. So my correct advice would be: Don't backpaddle.
Treasa Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 Pretty much what Gottabestrong said. If you break up with someone, you do it because you are willing to lose them, not as a way to manipulate them. You broke up with him. Keep reminding yourself of this. You asked for NC. He gave it to you. If my boyfriend wanted to spend time with his family whom he can't just pop over to see whenever he wants, and that meant I'd have to talk to him less, I'd deal with it. When I'm with my family I'm certainly not spending time talking to others. My family is important to me. Leave this guy alone and find someone closer who can give you the attention you want.
Treasa Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 His family trip is over in about 4 days and I know I'll hear from him eventually but when I do, I will be ignoring him back. Give him a taste of his own medicine. Yes, please do yourself and this guy a favor and ignore him. This is really childish behavior. 1
TaintedHeart Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 I'm asking myself the exact same question. My boyfriend/ex is giving me the silent treatment. All I can think about is him! It's driving me nuts! People can be so heartless.
Author iBerry Posted December 30, 2012 Author Posted December 30, 2012 Yes I did breakup with him. It was late at night and he refused to talk about things because he was tired and then the next day shuts me out. Honestly, I don't regret ending it because him not wanting to take a few minutes a day to call me was a deal breaker for me. But I did want to talk about things and end things in a nice mature way but since he decided to shut me out it has only upset me more and makes me never want to talk to him again.
Divasu Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 "if you can't take even a few minutes a day to call me then we shouldnt be together! It's over!" This is going to come out harsh but in all honestly, you were way too needy and demanding. You don't break up with someone just because they can't call you EVERY SINGLE day. That is highly unreasonable. He's especially not going to want to 'talk' to you, when you're breaking up with him every other day over it. I think the distance put a lot of pressure on you and that may have been your way of dealing with it. But as you can see, it backfired. Does any of this ring true?
KraftDinner Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 This is going to come out harsh but in all honestly, you were way too needy and demanding. You don't break up with someone just because they can't call you EVERY SINGLE day. That is highly unreasonable. He's especially not going to want to 'talk' to you, when you're breaking up with him every other day over it. I think the distance put a lot of pressure on you and that may have been your way of dealing with it. But as you can see, it backfired. Does any of this ring true? Wanting daily contact is unreasonable? Ridiculous. I hate how so many people on this site seem to feel that wanting to actually be with or communicate with your partner is 'needy.' Well, people ARE needy. We need affection, to feel love, companionship and to feel like our NEEDS are being respected. Maybe he's not wrong for not wanting to do that stuff, but the OP CERTAINLY isn't wrong for expecting the basic considerations involved in a loving adult relationship. 1
Divasu Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 Wanting daily contact is unreasonable? Ridiculous. I hate how so many people on this site seem to feel that wanting to actually be with or communicate with your partner is 'needy.' Well, people ARE needy. We need affection, to feel love, companionship and to feel like our NEEDS are being respected. Maybe he's not wrong for not wanting to do that stuff, but the OP CERTAINLY isn't wrong for expecting the basic considerations involved in a loving adult relationship. I'm not saying her feelings are wrong, I think the expectations are just a bit on the 'high' side. The guy is spending time with his family and his girlfriend is making threats that she will leave him if he doesn't call her every day while he's there. You think that behavior is reasonable in a 'loving adult relationship'?
Author iBerry Posted December 30, 2012 Author Posted December 30, 2012 (edited) Kraftdinner thanks for sticking up for me. I completely agree that it is a basic consideration. I mean hell, he could call me when he's taking a piss for all I care. It's not like he has no time. Divasu, I understand why you would think this. And if my thread seems a bit unreasonable and harsh it is because I am now at the angry stage of the breakup and may have worded things without providing more info. Perhaps I should go into more detail as to what the situation was. - We were in a long-distance relationship and its success highly depends on small things like a phone call. I was just asking for a few minutes (I said 5 min) a day to keep in touch. How is this unreasonable? - He does this everytime he goes to see family, or when family/friends come to town to visit. In other worrds, when nothing is going on with his life other than work and going home, he has no problem making time for me. So it kind of hurts my feelings. It's like saying, "hey I suddenly have something other than you to do this week so I'll call you if I feel like." - I am not needy. I have no problem with him spending quality time with his loved ones and understand that I may have to take a back seat sometimes. But all the time? Im sorry but I've gone on holidays or have things going on with friends but I always make time to call him every day, even if just for a few minutes. - Because of our schedules, we go the whole day without really speaking and then he calls me right before he's about to go to sleep. If I was needy I'd be pestering him to call me more during the day. Sorry but in retrospect im feeling like I get the scraps of whatever time he has left during the day. - Also, where did I say that I am breaking up with him every other day. I have not done that. I was just tired of this particular issue. Edited December 30, 2012 by iBerry
LostOne1 Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 I've been in a long-distance relationship with my now ex-boyfriend for a couple years. We see each other regularly, despite the distance and are very much in love and attracted to each other. We butt head on a few things and recently we got into a fight because everytime he goes to visit his family out of state, I hear less from him. I am used to talking to him daily for at least an hour (that is how we successfuly maintain our long-distance relationship). Long story short, he said he could call me every couple days for a few minutes, while he is with family for a couple weeks. I was like, "whaatt??, why can't you call me every day, even if just for a few minutes." So it was a stupid fight and it ended with me saying "if you can't take even a few minutes a day to call me then we shouldnt be together! It's over!" The reason I got so upset is because he always does this. Whenever he is with family its like I matter less to him and he gives me whatever is left of his time (if anything). As soon as he goes back to regular life where he lives he is back to being a good boyfriend. It really irritates me! Now I think I probably jumped the gun in breaking up with him but I feel I had every right to be mad. The next day he would not return my calls or respond to my texts. I mustve called him 6 times. The following day I woke up to a text from him saying he was tired of our bickering and that he doesnt think he can do it anymore and that he wished me the best. After that, I sent him a text saying I was sorry and that I loved him but that I understand if he wants to break up but the least he can do is talk to me. No response. Three days later and I had not yet heard anything from him. He finally texted on Christmas Eve saying "(my name) I wish you and your family a merry christmas and the best for the new year." I waited a day to respond and said "same to you." He then continued to ignore me. It has now been a week and a half since our breakup. How can this man who said he loved me only a week and a half ago cut me off so easily! I'm pretty furious. I sent him a text yesterday saying that if he was going to ignore me like this to please not bother contacting me when his trip is over or ever again, as it is immature and disrespectful for him to treat me like this. The least he couldve done is talked to me on the phone instead of breaking up with me over text. So in total, I have sent him about 5 texts since he said he wanted to break-up. I am trying to leave him alone since he is ignoring me. I should say that we have broken up 2 times before (because of the distance) where he has behaved the same way but then we end up back together. He says he ignores me because its too painful to talk to me when he is trying to forget me following our breakups. He bottles up his feelings and pretends like life is fine and then ends up giving in several weeks later and contacting me. I know he loves me but wth! My question is, are there any guys out there that have done this? Where they stop contact cold turkey for a bit but then come around? Would you do this to a girl you love? I'm sick of this honestly. His family trip is over in about 4 days and I know I'll hear from him eventually but when I do, I will be ignoring him back. Give him a taste of his own medicine. I'm pretty upset! I do love him and want to work things out but his behaviour right now is making me question our relationship. If you love someone, how can you ignore them? I understand he may need some space but he didnt even give us a chance to talk at all. Well I will say I did the same with my ex. By that I mean I DID spent time with my family and less when I WAS with family. But you need to understand FAMILY is important to us too. But it doesn't mean we don't love our girl too. I wish my ex had understood before BU with me that FAMILY pressure is tough too and I want to balance time for everyone. I am trying to make EVERYONE happy and that means you need to balance that time. It doesn't mean I love anyone any less just because I spent time with a few people over another. This is why my ex and I probably BU or one of the reasons. And to this day she STILL thinks she is right over it. It's not my fault she doesn't care about her family as much. I give my family time, because they PAID for all my education, clothes, food etc... How can I turn my back on them for a girl or anyone else? That doesn't mean I'd turn my back on my girl for my family either. I wouldn't leave her if my family told me to do so... But I'd balance that time with both sides that are VERY important too me. And if neither side can see that.. then it's their loss. And in this case my ex's loss. She believes some guy will drop everything just for her and it doesn't work that way. I'm sure the next guy she goes out with will have no family living here. Which will make it easier for her to have his full attention non stop. But for me I have a life and I can't spend it ALL on 1 person. Like I said it DOESN'T mean I don't love her... it just means I am trying to do my best with giving everyone time and keeping everyone happy. And if the girl can't see that... then she isn;t worth it and in my case my ex isn't worth it. I didn't dump her before she dumped me, because I thought over time she would SEE this... but she never did.. her ego is too high up to admit she is at fault.
coffeebean201 Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 I don't understand the connection between being around his parents/family and not being able to call you.
LostOne1 Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 I don't understand the connection between being around his parents/family and not being able to call you. That depends.. maybe his parents don't know about her and he doesn't want his parents to know right now? Also if he is hanging with his family and talking to them in the family room and laying on the couch with everyone else. He isn't going to randomly pick up his phone and call right then and there. Chances are when he calls his gf he would do it at a certain time like at night in his room and talk to her for awhile and see how she is doing, how her day's been and that he misses her. I'm sure he does... if it was up to him I bet he would wish she was living there with him spending that time together with the family. When my family get together it gets rowdy and its lots of entertainment. You just join in and get lost in the fun. Like I said it doesn't mean he doesn't love his girl. He's just enjoying the moment with his family while he can. What else is he suppsoed to do? say sorry everyone screw you all, but I'm gonna go talk to my gf for the rest of the day? There has to be a balance of time with family and friends and then your relationship. And it's VERY hard to balance I been there and I know.... My ex has NO hobbies really she jsut studied all the time. She couldn't cook so her mom always cooks. She doesn't do laundry her sister or someone else does it. I do ALL those things MYSELF.. cook and clean myself. I don't have anyone that would do that, my family teaches us to be independent with our own work. So for my ex it was easier to get time out where as I have to cook, clean, study, talk to her, enjoy time with family and run any other work left over. But she never saw that instead she saw me saying she must have no life if she can easily talk to me. Which isn't true.. but sometimes you gotta see the other persons POV.. It's so easy for us to sit here and assume what another person's life is like... unless you live with them and see what they have to go through...
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