Can't sleep in my own bed..what do I do?

[crashvector]

The first night, I took something the doctor prescribed for me, and went to bed. Of course, I cried most of the night. I finally fell asleep around 3am. At about 5am, I woke up but was still mostly asleep, and i reached out across the bed to put my arm around her like I often would when we spent the night together. My sheets still smell like her (omg im crying again just thinking about that...the way she smelled...soo....warm and comfortable...)

 

When i didnt feel her there, I jerked awake in an absolute PANIC...frantic.

 

When I came to my prescription drug-induced senses, I absolutely fell apart. I sobbed and sobbed. I cried so hard that I actually popped a blood vessel in my right eye, so now its completely red and looks horrible.

 

Ever since, I've been avoiding my bedroom, and have been sleeping on my sofa, using one of my felt Winchester jackets for a blanket, and a rolled up shirt for a pillow.

 

I hurt so much i cant even sleep in my own bed because we often shared it together, and made love there so many wonderful times.

 

I'm SUCH a trainwreck right now...and its not getting better.

 

I know I'm a very soft-hearted guy, but I think its just the fact that I was SO dedicated to her and SO in love with her.

 

After all the things we went through together, her cancer treatment, my being paralyzed after the wreck, etc....I felt SO close to her.

 

I've sat here on this site (those of you here are the ONLY people I have to talk about this with) and cried until my shirt looks like i was standing outside in a hurricane it was so soaked with tears.

 

 

Literally everything I see reminds me of her...and I can't bear it anymore. I cant go anywhere in this town because we used to hang out here and there is NOWHERE I can go that I don't think about the two of us being there being romantic.

 

All Ive been doing is staying up as long as possible (because I'm afraid to go to sleep and dream about her) and pour my soul out on this site until I fall asleep in my chair with my netbook on my lap and the TV on because I cant go into my bedroom without collapsing in grief.

 

I've spent so much time crumpled on the floor with my face in my hands trying to force myself to stop crying...I feel so weak and stupid...but my grief and pain is overwhelming me.

 

The woman saved my life at one time...and I saved hers. I would have bet my LIFE on the fact that we would be together forever....

 

I remember her comforting me one night on the floor in my bathroom. I had called her at 2am because I was still learning to walk again after my paralysis..and I fell and my legs were not working. She drove out at 230 in the morning just to hold me and cry with me. Because it was my neck that had been broken, my muscles would spasm because my nerves were healing. she sat there and cried with me as I yelled out in pain as my ribs snapped one after another because the muscle spasms were so strong.

 

She told me "I'll never let you go, baby...I promise I'll won't let you go."

 

 

My grief is killing me...

[Inviv_girl]

Hey, Im sorry for what you've been through.

 

You are not alone, I feel your pain. I am also in a wreck and crying everyday, my ex left me.. Im sad and confused..

 

I, also the past 3 months cant sleep on my own bed. Im dreaded each time I enter my room, I would sleep in front of the tv every night or get tired reading this kind of site with my laptop on my laps or on my side.

 

Was very hard and hurtfull moment of my life! Now get better I can sleep again in my room, on my bed. The thought of him still there and yes I still cry every single day! But I know with time it will get better.

 

Please look after yourself and dont let the thought of her ruin your life, when the love one left off course the grief and heart broken is what we feeling. But don despair and be strong! you are not alone and it will get better!

 

We deserve to have happiness once we have, all of us! that day will come and let us get through this together! dont dwell on your sorrow! get up and do something better for yourself! I can do it, you can do it too!

[iBerry]

Im so sorry to hear you are going through this. I too am going through a breakup but im at a later stage of it so Im not feeling quite as crappy anymore.

 

Are you still paralyzed or can you walk again?

 

For starters, here is what you can do (things that helped me). And some of them might sound silly but desperate times call for desperate measures:

 

1 - Change the damn sheets so they dont smell like her anymore and put away anything that reminds you of her like photographs etc.

 

2 - Put together a playlist about people who come out stronger after a breakup (ie. Survivor by Destiny's Child, Gives You Hell by all American Rejects) and play it out loud as much as you can.

 

3 - Try not to be alone. Leave the house at least once a day to meet up with a friend, even if just for a coffee. This will make you feel that you at least have somewhat of a life and not sitting at home 24/7 being depressed.

 

4 - Pray, pray, pray! I'm not sure if youre religious or not but praying helped me. I remember after my breakup I broke down in the shower and just starting praying, "Lord please take the pain away. I can't stand it anymore!!" And after my shower, I felt a little better. It was strange.

 

5 - Read a good book - something unrelated to romance so that you can escape your world right now into someone else's...at least for a little while. Alternatively, there are some good books about handling a breakup that some find therapeutic.

 

Good luck. I pray we both get out of this mess. Take it from me, I was on the verge of becoming suicidal and at times wished someone would just run me over because of the pain I was in. But I am better now. I finally realized that he is not the last guy on the planet and that all the wallowing in self-pity was not getting me anywhere.

[crashvector]

Hey, Im sorry for what you've been through.

 

You are not alone, I feel your pain. I am also in a wreck and crying everyday, my ex left me.. Im sad and confused..

 

I, also the past 3 months cant sleep on my own bed. Im dreaded each time I enter my room, I would sleep in front of the tv every night or get tired reading this kind of site with my laptop on my laps or on my side.

 

Was very hard and hurtfull moment of my life! Now get better I can sleep again in my room, on my bed. The thought of him still there and yes I still cry every single day! But I know with time it will get better.

 

Please look after yourself and dont let the thought of her ruin your life, when the love one left off course the grief and heart broken is what we feeling. But don despair and be strong! you are not alone and it will get better!

 

We deserve to have happiness once we have, all of us! that day will come and let us get through this together! dont dwell on your sorrow! get up and do something better for yourself! I can do it, you can do it too!

 

Thank you so much. I am sorry for your pain as well.

 

I'm actually afraid to fall asleep because I dont want to dream about her and wake up devastated again..

[crashvector]

Im so sorry to hear you are going through this. I too am going through a breakup but im at a later stage of it so Im not feeling quite as crappy anymore.

 

Are you still paralyzed or can you walk again?

 

For starters, here is what you can do (things that helped me). And some of them might sound silly but desperate times call for desperate measures:

 

1 - Change the damn sheets so they dont smell like her anymore and put away anything that reminds you of her like photographs etc.

 

2 - Put together a playlist about people who come out stronger after a breakup (ie. Survivor by Destiny's Child, Gives You Hell by all American Rejects) and play it out loud as much as you can.

 

3 - Try not to be alone. Leave the house at least once a day to meet up with a friend, even if just for a coffee. This will make you feel that you at least have somewhat of a life and not sitting at home 24/7 being depressed.

 

4 - Pray, pray, pray! I'm not sure if youre religious or not but praying helped me. I remember after my breakup I broke down in the shower and just starting praying, "Lord please take the pain away. I can't stand it anymore!!" And after my shower, I felt a little better. It was strange.

 

5 - Read a good book - something unrelated to romance so that you can escape your world right now into someone else's...at least for a little while. Alternatively, there are some good books about handling a breakup that some find therapeutic.

 

Good luck. I pray we both get out of this mess. Take it from me, I was on the verge of becoming suicidal and at times wished someone would just run me over because of the pain I was in. But I am better now. I finally realized that he is not the last guy on the planet and that all the wallowing in self-pity was not getting me anywhere.

 

Psalm 38:14 "the Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those crushed in spirit"

[crashvector]

I'm actually afraid to fall asleep. I dont want to dream about her and wake up so crushed and hurt all over again...

[th90]

Firstly I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I can feel your pain just reading through your posts. I know you're in deep pain, it seems like it's not gonna end and you're having crying fits.

 

If you want this to stop, it can. Listen to what other people have advised you to do. Stop dwelling in this any longer. You can continue grieving for as long as you want and it won't go away until you MAKE EFFORT to put an end to it.

 

Almost everyone in the breakup section of LS has been in your shoes. We understand what you're feeling right now perfectly well.

 

You need to start being positive. Accept that it's over. Learn to let go. By letting go, you're setting yourself and your ex free. It's the greatest form of love and self-liberation.

 

Keep telling yourself that it's over. When you feel the pain terribly hurting you, take deep breaths until you start to calm down. If possible, start practicing breathing meditation.

 

Make sure you eat well. I remember how hard it was to swallow my food and all the crying made me threw up to the point I was practically having an empty stomach for days. It only made me feel sicker than I already was. When you eat well, you will have a sense of well-being. So force yourself to eat no matter what.

 

I didn't go out have fun and partying throughout my recovery phase. I'm only 8 weeks post BU so I'm still healing. What I did was reading and listening. In my initial weeks, I read a lot of break up tips. They slightly helped me got through. Then I realized they weren't really helping anymore so I tried meditation. Meditation works. Please try it. Do simple ones like breathing meditation. Then I listened to dharma talks every single day (been weeks now). One thing to note is that those talks aren't necessarily only for Buddhists. If they're helping, why not? In fact, those talks make me look into life with a better perspective. I was hurting so badly until I started to listen to this one

. I found his other talks extremely helpful and therapeutic. Your choice.

 

Remember to work out. Get active. It helps you relax your body, mind and soul.

 

I understand you find it really hard to sleep. Taking medication is only a temporary relief. You can't really rely on them forever. Do something about it. Maintain a healthy lifestyle. Before you go to bed, pray. When you're trying to fall asleep, pray. Do reflection. Say your thanks. Thank your body for being whole. Thank your parents for giving you life. Thank your home for giving you shelter. You can even thank inanimate objects. Thank your heater for working. Thank every possible thing you can. Until you fall asleep.

 

Another alternative is by watching a movie till you fall asleep. This is not very healthy so I don't really recommend you doing it. I listen to prayers until I fall asleep every night. Or you can download apps on your phone for sounds of nature that you can play and listen to them and think of nothing else till you fall asleep.

 

Dream isn't something you can control. But if you wanna stop dreaming of your ex, you need to reduce the stress that you're having. By being happier and thinking less of her, the dreams will go away. Sometimes when you're doing better you'll dream about her again and feel like crap. This is what setback is all about. This isn't a smooth sailing journey to our recovery. We have a lot of ups and downs, fluctuating between extremely happy and extremely sad, going back and forth doing really well and get buried in pile of crap. It's perfectly normal. Just vent on LS when you need to.

 

Make conscious effort not to think about the your ex anymore. When she comes into your mind, recognize and stop it immediately. Tell her to please go away and let your mind be free of her. Then direct your thoughts into something positive.

 

Remember to always pray and be grateful.

[crashvector]

thanks for your advice.

 

I appreciate ANY advice right now.

[MyAngel]

Oh crash I feel so bad for you. Please take some comfort in that here you're surrounded by fellow broken hearted humans. We're all in this together and together we can find the strength to carry on and become whole again.

 

For two weeks I could barely do anything. I found no joy in anything at all. I knew I had to turn myself around before I sunk into a deep depression which was too deep to get myself out of. So I have been trying so hard to move on.

 

Things that help me are:

 

I found a radio station app called pandora radio. It plays my fave genre of music and artists. I plug in my headphones and skip the sad songs and listen to upbeat music that fills my soul. Today I spent an hour dancing around like a teenager and I loved it. I felt strong and powerful. Renewed.

 

I have been making some jewelry as a hobby. Yes my mind is still on my ex even as I thread my beads but it's more of a background thought. Doing this keeps my mind elsewhere.

 

I have been thinking about getting into a tv series that I haven't seen before. Anything to occupy my mind and not think about things.

 

I have put away photos and trinkets, things I used to see everyday. I don't look at them and the last time I pulled them out, I was just a mess.

 

I remind myself daily that it was not my choice to end this. I LOVED and WORSHIPPED this person so much. I made her my world and it crumbled around me. If she doesn't want me in her life, then I am not going to be there. End of story. I tell myself that if she loved and wanted me enough she would still be here but she has GONE so that speaks volumes. What is the point pining over someone that doesn't want me in their life. Useless.

 

YES it f*cking hurts me but I don't want this pain anymore. I can't live my life this way. There's so much good in my life, family, friends, LIFE itself. I'm not spending my life in a hole due to this.

Edited December 30, 2012 by MyAngel

[crashvector]

Thank you.

 

Ive never cried so much and so hard before. My eye looks like it would frighten small children..like the zombie apocolypes came early to my house.

 

sorry for the grammar/spelling...the xanax I took is REALLY taking effect and my coordination is gone.

[MyAngel]

That's okay crash. Look after yoursf first and foremost. You are the only one that can make sure you're doing okay internally so you need to rest and recover. Your body is still in shock and you need to be gentle with yourself.

[Divasu]

Wow, your story is horrible.

 

Just a word of caution, please be careful with xanax. My mother developed an addiction to xanax years ago and it was pure hell getting her off of them.

 

I hope you feel better in time.

[Bumaga vsyo sterpit]

I don't think this reaction is normal, but then I've never been in a relationship that long. You need a psychiatrist and some strong medication to at least deaden you inside for a while. Popping a blood vessel in your eye is serious.

 

I know it sounds bad, but I would also recommend a good hooker or two. The kind who French-kisses and all. I saw one during a particularly low point in my last relationship and it really helped.

[crashvector]

I don't think this reaction is normal, but then I've never been in a relationship that long. You need a psychiatrist and some strong medication to at least deaden you inside for a while. Popping a blood vessel in your eye is serious.

 

I know it sounds bad, but I would also recommend a good hooker or two. The kind who French-kisses and all. I saw one during a particularly low point in my last relationship and it really helped.

 

No offense, but that's just disgusting.....and not helpful.

[Bumaga vsyo sterpit]

Trust me, you need it. You're agonizing because you're so internalized - with no eye-catching, attention-grabbing stimuli from your environment all you're doing is drowning yourself in dead memories and lost feelings of her. You need to feel someone else for the first time in five years.

[geegirl]

I don't think this reaction is normal, but then I've never been in a relationship that long. You need a psychiatrist and some strong medication to at least deaden you inside for a while. Popping a blood vessel in your eye is serious.

 

I know it sounds bad, but I would also recommend a good hooker or two. The kind who French-kisses and all. I saw one during a particularly low point in my last relationship and it really helped.

 

I find it disgusting too. It's best to deal with your emotions, and yes grieving is a healthy process towards healing, rather than indulge in behavior that suppresses and only encourages avoidance issues. Sorry Bumaga. But if it worked for you, great.

[iBerry]

The hooker suggestion is the dumbest idea I've ever heard! Yeah, why don't you go voluntarily catch herpes or another form of STD. That will make everything better for you!!

[crashvector]

Trust me, you need it. You're agonizing because you're so internalized - with no eye-catching, attention-grabbing stimuli from your environment all you're doing is drowning yourself in dead memories and lost feelings of her. You need to feel someone else for the first time in five years.

 

Do you not understand the idea of comittment?!

 

Yes, I haven't had any other woman for five years...and I would have happily not "felt" any other woman for the next 30 years if I could!

 

 

What is WRONG with you?!

 

I was devoted and committed and faithful to this woman...the LAST thing on my mind right now is having meaningless sex...I am not even capable of DOING something like that.

[Bumaga vsyo sterpit]

It did help me. July 24th was one of the worst days of my life. On the 23rd my ex broke it off with her fiancé. She needed her two best friends to confront her entire conservative Muslim family and scream and reason for 4-5 hours to do it, and no one knew about me. That night her fiancé got drunk as a fiddler's bitch and crashed his car and got in a coma. She cut off all contact with me for ~3 days except to tell me she hated my guts and to go to hell - it was horrific. I went to see a prostitute, did all kinds of things to her I won't go into, and came after a better blowjob than my ex ever gave me. It was silly, but I felt like a tiger. And it got me out of zombie mode for 3-4 hours. I was grinning from ear to ear. In that situation, it was a miracle. The only thing that screwed me over was that I didn't stay on that route. She came around, I came back and we didn't end it until October 21st. I don't think crashvector will have that problem.

[crashvector]

It did help me. July 24th was one of the worst days of my life. On the 23rd my ex broke it off with her fiancé. She needed her two best friends to confront her entire conservative Muslim family and scream and reason for 4-5 hours to do it, and no one knew about me. That night her fiancé got drunk as a fiddler's bitch and crashed his car and got in a coma. She cut off all contact with me for ~3 days except to tell me she hated my guts and to go to hell - it was horrific. I went to see a prostitute, did all kinds of things to her I won't go into, and came after a better blowjob than my ex ever gave me. It was silly, but I felt like a tiger. And it got me out of zombie mode for 3-4 hours. I was grinning from ear to ear. In that situation, it was a miracle. The only thing that screwed me over was that I didn't stay on that route. She came around, I came back and we didn't end it until October 21st. I don't think crashvector will have that problem.

 

Jesus...please...go AWAY. That has GOT to be one of the most disgusting things I've ever heard.

 

I'm not talking about the oral sex part...between two committed loving partners I think it's beautiful....but you are taking something special and wonderful and are absolutely reducing it to meaningless acts of selfishness.

 

Disgusting.

[Bumaga vsyo sterpit]

Do you not understand the idea of comittment?!

 

Yes, I haven't had any other woman for five years...and I would have happily not "felt" any other woman for the next 30 years if I could!

 

 

What is WRONG with you?!

 

I was devoted and committed and faithful to this woman...the LAST thing on my mind right now is having meaningless sex...I am not even capable of DOING something like that.

 

Commitment to what? She dumped you, told her family and your mutual friends, and refused to budge when you and others reached out to her. When she did that, the relationship became the past, and the past is dead, except for its lingering effects on you. In your mind you're devoted and committed to something that no longer exists, and it's killing you. You need something - anything - to break the cycle and restore normalcy even for a few hours, and this works. You've never tried it, that's why you're so against it.

 

In my favorite book, Arch of Triumph, a man's wife dies and he spends the night at a brothel, but the main character understands. Sometimes a man just needs to get away from things to get his psyche back and deal with them better. Thoughts are reality... Change your thoughts.

[BrighterFuture]

First of all, I'm so so sorry to hear about your breakup. I've been following it and my heart truly aches for you.

 

All of MyAngel's advice is very good! It might not seem like it but doing something to take your mind off the terrible situation will help. At first even when you're trying to do something distracting, your ex will still be the most prominent thing in your mind. But trust me, after a while the sting begins to fade. But it's definitely a process, and not an easy one at that. Just know that it will get better.

 

For me (at the beginning of my breakup) the hard part is getting the motivation to get up and do these things. Nothing was exciting anymore and nothing seems worth doing. The world just seems so bleak and you think what's the point anyway? Trust me, I've been there, and like many on here I'm still healing. Time definitely does help to heal, but don't completely rely on it. If you try to make an effort to take care of YOU during this time of heartbreak I can guarantee that the healing process will be quicker.

 

Another thing I would add is to not forget to EAT! I need to take my own advice here as I have hardly eaten this entire month, and I'm underweight to begin with. Your heart is hurting and your brain won't shut off the memories, but don't forget to feed your body.

 

((HUGS))

[crashvector]

Commitment to what? She dumped you, told her family and your mutual friends, and refused to budge when you and others reached out to her. When she did that, the relationship became the past, and the past is dead, except for its lingering effects on you. In your mind you're devoted and committed to something that no longer exists, and it's killing you. You need something - anything - to break the cycle and restore normalcy even for a few hours, and this works. You've never tried it, that's why you're so against it.

 

In my favorite book, Arch of Triumph, a man's wife dies and he spends the night at a brothel, but the main character understands. Sometimes a man just needs to get away from things to get his psyche back and deal with them better. Thoughts are reality... Change your thoughts.

 

Okay...perhaps I can SORT of see your motives are well-intended, but obviously, you have not read all of my posts.

 

I am NOT the kind of man that is able to just have SEX with someone. My emotions will NOT allow me to do this.

 

I would give all the free sex in the world for ONE instance of making love with a woman who had my heart.

 

Sorry, but one is cheap and meaningless....the other beautiful. There *IS* a difference to me...and I have NEVER viewed sex as something to be taken lightly.

 

Im NOT some emasculated, unmasculine man either. Most people would SEE me and NEVER realize I feel the way that I do about this. Because of one of my hobbies, i am CONSTANTLY being hit on by random women....I wanted the one I was already WITH.

 

I'm looking for a partner, and companion...someone to LOVE. If sex was all I wanted, I could have gotten that hundreds of times....but I do NOT want empty sex!

 

Id rather go without sex for 5 years than have sex once with a woman I did not love.

[crashvector]

First of all, I'm so so sorry to hear about your breakup. I've been following it and my heart truly aches for you.

 

All of MyAngel's advice is very good! It might not seem like it but doing something to take your mind off the terrible situation will help. At first even when you're trying to do something distracting, your ex will still be the most prominent thing in your mind. But trust me, after a while the sting begins to fade. But it's definitely a process, and not an easy one at that. Just know that it will get better.

 

For me (at the beginning of my breakup) the hard part is getting the motivation to get up and do these things. Nothing was exciting anymore and nothing seems worth doing. The world just seems so bleak and you think what's the point anyway? Trust me, I've been there, and like many on here I'm still healing. Time definitely does help to heal, but don't completely rely on it. If you try to make an effort to take care of YOU during this time of heartbreak I can guarantee that the healing process will be quicker.

 

Another thing I would add is to not forget to EAT! I need to take my own advice here as I have hardly eaten this entire month, and I'm underweight to begin with. Your heart is hurting and your brain won't shut off the memories, but don't forget to feed your body.

 

((HUGS))

 

 

thank you very much for the sympathy...it TRULY means a lot to me to know that so many wonderful people have taken an interest in a total stranger because of the pain he is going through.

 

This gives me hope, it really does, and I am SO grateful for all of you.