D-Lish Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 It's been a long time since I left my exH- going on 10 years now. Towards the end of our marriage, he took a mistress and ended up getting her pregnant. As soon as I found out, I ended things, and at the time, it was painful. I found out about the affair because she called me to tell me she was pregnant, and I put our house on the market and left him. We'd been having problems and probably were heading to divorce regardless- but him having an affair did a lot of damage to my self esteem. After I divorced him, he married his mistress and went on to have 2 more kids afterwards. I ran into him, his new wife- and their now 3 kids today at work. That seems to happen once every few years because we live close enough to cross paths once and a while. I don't miss him, have feelings for him, want him back... But seeing him today really turned my day upside down. I had to take a break and even had to fight back some tears. I don't know if it's because it's a reminder of a failure- or if it's something else. Maybe it's anger I haven't dealt with. I really don't have feelings for "him" at all- and I can't understand why it turned my day upside down. Just thinking out loud I guess...
whichwayisup Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 ((D)) He was a part of your past and when you married him, you thought he was the one. Unfortunately it didn't work out and he betrayed you, hurt you deeply. Of course it's normal to feel yuck and out of sorts after seeing him, even though you've moved on and don't want him back. Still stings. Hope you're well though my dear and that you had a great Christmas.
Author D-Lish Posted December 30, 2012 Author Posted December 30, 2012 ((D)) He was a part of your past and when you married him, you thought he was the one. Unfortunately it didn't work out and he betrayed you, hurt you deeply. Of course it's normal to feel yuck and out of sorts after seeing him, even though you've moved on and don't want him back. Still stings. Hope you're well though my dear and that you had a great Christmas. Thanks wwiu, I did have a good xmas, and hope you had the same. I had a date tonight, and I cancelled because it conjured up feelings from the past- stuff that reminded me that entering into something where you like someone = eventual hurt. It's a messed up way to live your life, but my exH broke down all my walls, only to prove to me that in doing so, that loving someone = hurt. I've had a couple of dates with a guy from work that seems lovely- but running into the person that destroyed that notion in the first place has scared me off from pursuing anything with anyone new. 1
Tony T Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 What you were feeling was very likely a projection of what could have been...what you would have liked to have happened in your life with him...the kind of family perhaps you have envisioned for yourself for many years. I promise you, NONE of the tears or thoughts had anything to do with a man who was so cruel to you. Make the very best life you can for yourself going forward...and just be careful....there are other butt holes out there exactly like you're ex and they aren't well marked.
Author D-Lish Posted December 30, 2012 Author Posted December 30, 2012 What you were feeling was very likely a projection of what could have been...what you would have liked to have happened in your life with him...the kind of family perhaps you have envisioned for yourself for many years. I promise you, NONE of the tears or thoughts had anything to do with a man who was so cruel to you. Make the very best life you can for yourself going forward...and just be careful....there are other butt holes out there exactly like you're ex and they aren't well marked. Which is why it is so hard to trust people. 1
Radu Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 What is eating you more ... the fact that it's not fair for such an ******* to have what seems like a good life, or that he got away with it ? Take solace in the fact that he has most likely not changed, and that he is her problem now. PS: Reschedule the date, not just cancel ... so that the guy knows you are interested.
Eternal Sunshine Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 You wouldn't be human if you didn't have some bad emotions surrounding seeing someone that was a huge part of your life once. Re-schedule the date with the new guy. You will feel better tomorrow. 3
Author D-Lish Posted January 2, 2013 Author Posted January 2, 2013 What is eating you more ... the fact that it's not fair for such an ******* to have what seems like a good life, or that he got away with it ? Take solace in the fact that he has most likely not changed, and that he is her problem now. PS: Reschedule the date, not just cancel ... so that the guy knows you are interested. The part I bolded probably does have a lot to do with my reaction after so long of not really thinking too much about it. My own reaction sort of shocked me! I did reschedule the date, we hung out again last night and all felt pretty normal again. 1
Misslovely Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 Its completely normal to feel the way you felt when you seen him. He was you're husband, you gave yourslef to him completely, thought he was the one you would build a future/family with. His a complete jerk for cheating and you deserve better! don't be afraid to love again, not all men are pricks. I do hope you're alright
Author D-Lish Posted January 2, 2013 Author Posted January 2, 2013 Its completely normal to feel the way you felt when you seen him. He was you're husband, you gave yourslef to him completely, thought he was the one you would build a future/family with. His a complete jerk for cheating and you deserve better! don't be afraid to love again, not all men are pricks. I do hope you're alright I feel much better now, the impact of the situation wore off after I took some time to think things through. It certainly isn't him that gets to me- yet the situation still affects me. I've spoken to him on several occasions over the years and it's always been friendly, I've always wished him well. It's physically seeing the wife he cheated with- and the kids that came of that, that is still hard to deal with- even after all these years. 1
whichwayisup Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 I feel much better now, the impact of the situation wore off after I took some time to think things through. It certainly isn't him that gets to me- yet the situation still affects me. I've spoken to him on several occasions over the years and it's always been friendly, I've always wished him well. It's physically seeing the wife he cheated with- and the kids that came of that, that is still hard to deal with- even after all these years. I think how you reacted is how anybody else would have as well. Completely normal and it was a painful time in your life, that HE inflicted on you and helped ruin your marriage and all your dreams with him. Glad you're feeling better D. xo
Clockwork Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 Everybody would get like that, it's normal. I have no feelings whatsoever for either ex-girlfriend. Yet when I see them the rare time by bumping into them I am automatically transformed back to that time in my life for a few minutes. I am happily married now and know how much better I have it and how much worse I would have been. However, those feelings come back because you went through a lot with this person. Those feelings could be everything from relief to anger to sadness to guilt to anything. You just ran into a person who was a huge part of your life and it took you back to that time. It is normal to be just a little hurt. This is why I never contact an ex when I break up with them. Ever. The past it the past.
trevzilla Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 (edited) Been over 4 years since I divorced my cheating ex, but I run into her every 3 to 6 months and it messes my day up even though I have no feelings for her. She asked me to go out with her a few months back when I guess she and her bf were in a crisis and I just texted her back "no thanks". This was the first contact in 3 years, so don't think I communicate with her I don't. It's annoying because I truly would put her out of my thought processes forever, but it's the run ins that brings it back. Weird thing is I'm indifferent and she hates me. She was absolutely horrible when she cheated and never felt remorse, so I'm not sure where the animosity comes from. I was far from perfect but I never betrayed her. I've moved on and she hasn't. She's had a boyfriend for over 3 years and I've been alone. Seems unfair, but nobody said life was fair or easy. Sometimes it's a kick in the ass. Whenever I am having a pity party, I remember there are people all around this world who are victims of ethnic strife, famine, civil war, slavery rape you name it. It could be a lot worse. Sometimes Solomon's book of Ecclesiastes resonates with me, but I'm in a dark place these days. Emptiness, Emptiness, everything is emptiness. And also, how he said he envied the dead, but better yet the one who was never born. This coming from a man who seemingly had it all, 1000 wives and concubines, wealth and power. All the things that men think they need to be happy. Edited January 7, 2013 by trevzilla
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