ataloss8270 Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 OK I'm having a hard time understanding the NC rule. I don't understand how pissing off my STBXW by not talking to her about anything other than our kids is going to make her possibly reconsider the divorce. Considering she left because I was such a jerk in the beginning. And what are the rules for this when I do drop off or pick up my kids?
Gunny376 Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 1. Your giving her the gift of missing you. That is to say most people ~ but especially most women ~ because their brains are wired differently than men are going to begin to wonder what your doing? Who your talking about? Who are you talking to? Who your with? Why aren't you thinking about them? Why aren't you calling her? Why aren't you worried about her? She can't miss you if your always on the phone with her ~ and in her face? 2. The psychology of it all ~ That is to say aside from the above? Your giving her time to think, digest, get in touch with her feelings, get over being angry with you, decide that you really aren't / weren't that bad. A chance to speak to her mother, step-mother, grand-mother, step-grand-mother, great-grand-mother, sister, step-sister, half sister, best friends, worse enemy, write Dear Abby/Ann Landers/Dear Annie, watch Dr. Phil, etc. You give her the chance to talk it out (Women especially need to do this with most any and all problems in life) 3. The harder your pursue?? The faster and harder they run away? Just basic human animal instinct. 4. Give you time! Time to pull back and re-group. Time to quit being a fool and get back into school. Time to go back and acquire some new knowledge, insight, perspective, ideas, tools, skill sets, ways of communicating, counseling, therapy, anaylize where and what you did wrong, what you could have done, should have done, would have done, and all the more what you shouldn't have done, wouldn't have done, etc. 5. Gives you time to reflect. 6.. Give you time to forgive yourself 7. Gives you time to identify your short comings and seek self improvement. 8. Gives you time to man-up! 9. Gives you time to just quit discussing your problems, troubles. 10 Gives you time to quit analyzing and more important over-analyzing the problems, the issues, the situation. 11. Gives both of you time to cool off. 12. Gives you both time to put thing into their proper perspective ~ light. 13. Gives both both time to just breath ~ to just let from fresh air into the proverbial "room" so both of you can breath. 14 Gives you both time to let one of God's greatest gifts to us ~ because with time? We tend to forget how bad something, a stituation, a given individual was? And in turn only remember the good, the good things, the good times ~ and forget the bad, the negative? 15. Give you both time to heal, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, psychologically. 16. Gives you both time to reflect and remember why you got together to begin with? Why you've stayed together. Hell to remember what tha' Hell you were fighting about. (Mrs. Gunny and I latest and greatest argument was over ~ Olives! :mad: Don't ask! ) 2
ZxExD Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 Gunny, your my Hero! NC? Take it No Contact? Well, I don't have a problem there, wife pisses me off, ignore her. You pretty much said it though Gunny. The more you push the situation or her, the farther she will pull away. Since my wife filed for the D, I only text her when to pick up son and vise versa. Its not a NC rule, its more of she made me hate her rule. Therefore, I don't want anything to do with her. And ya, it works both ways, she has no idea what I am doing which is absolutely nothing, just preparing all my documentation from the last 4+ years and evidence. Will you send an email to my Soon2BX Gunny and explain the NC Rule?
Author ataloss8270 Posted December 30, 2012 Author Posted December 30, 2012 Thank you gunny you really put things into perspective for me. Your are my hero lol. But how should I act when we trade off the kids. Should I keep up small talk, or should I just give her a cold shoulder? Because to be totally honest I really don't want to get divorced, not because I need her, but because I really do love her with all my heart. I would be willing to work things out with her if she wanted to. But believe me I definitely understand that it may never work out between us and I am keeping that in the back of my mind. But she has told me that as of right now she is done, but you never know what time will bring. We have been separated for almost 2 months but living together until Friday. But if she really is done why hasn't she filled for divorce? I know because I've called to see if there was a case pending and there's not. I was just figuring that she would already have filed and was just waiting to serve me when she was out of the house. And the look on her face Friday when she was leaving with her last load of stuff was definitely a look of I love you, I'm scared, and I really don't want to do this. I have played poker with her to many times for her to bluff me.
Gunny376 Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 I'll do this in two posts, the first is to let your know that the second one may be a little while in coming as I can sometimes get a little long winded in trying to explain my own personal comprehension and understanding of things. This is to give the Mods the time to look it over and ensure that its in keeping with LS rules of engagement, etc. With that said,..................
Gunny376 Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 The first part of this is my "Sack Theory" When a man (any man) gets with a woman (any woman) be it as GF, live-in, wife, etc ~ whatever? He gets a sack. Thing is? He doesn't know that he's getting a sack? Some guys are really lucky in that the get really hugh, freaking sacks. Others? They're not so lucky, the get little bitty sacks. Depends on the individual man and the individual woman. Then given another man with the woman? He may luck out and get an even bigger sack? Or he may even get a smaller sack. Hard to say until its all said and done? Anyway, everytime a man does or says something, rude, crude, selfish, in-sensistive, is inconsiderate, forgets birthdays, anniversary's Valentines day etc OR doesn't do something? It goes into the sack! :eek: Trouble is? Most guys don't even know they got a SACK? Let alone that they're feeling the sack up? You can get stuff out of the sack but as a general rule of thumb? Its takes ten times the effort of good things, and "Ahhhhhhh's......................, and etc twenty times as much time to get all those bad things out of their sack. So the secret it to not put (or at least try like Hell) not to every put anything into the sack to begin with. Once your sack is full? She's not going? She's gone and in and of as a general rule? There's no getting her back, because she's exited stage left mentally and emotionally long before they do so physically. By this stage of the game? She's come down with an accute case of T-PMS!!!! :mad: "Tired of Putting Up With Men's S***!!!! :mad: In particular? YOURS!!!!! Sounds as though she wants to make some serious changes, BUT she does think you can tote the note, never will be able to tote the note, and so she walks. AKA "Walk Away Wife" Syndrone! Thing is? She's been telling you for a long, long, long time that she wanted you and needed you to change! :mad: But you've not been listening! That's because you don't understand nor appeciate something called "Gender Speak" the difference between the way men and women communicate. Women in general, tend to speak "indirectly" while men tend to speak "directly" (For example ~ Say what they mean and mean what they say!") For example? When you tell a woman your going to go out with the Boys? And she says, "Fine!" It ain't fine my friend, and you can just about scratch her off your bedroom verticle dance card for at least the next month? A woman tells you to go ahead? Ahhhhh Hell! Don't you dare do it! :eek: You put most anyone or anything before your woman, (Drinking, your buddies, your hobbies, work, gambling, video games, etc) You might want to start losing a few pounds and up-dating your wardrobe! :eek: Point is? You've got to learn that what they say and how little they say means a lot! With that said? I would say that you need to "quit being a fool and get back into school" and get some new tools to work with ~ along with a new skill set! Its going to take going on line, and reading some books, taking some courses, perhaps getting some couseling, etc. Not with the end-goal of getting her back? But to learn from your mistakes that you've made with her. Whatever you do you can't go around her telling her that your going to change, that you have changed, etc. If at all she's got to see it and hear about from others. Right now you've got no collateral with her. All you can do is idenify where you need to make improvements in the hope of not making the same mistakes with the next woman? That is unless you just particuarly emjoy all of this mental and emotional anguish and want to end up at the old folks home talking about your 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th X? 1
Author ataloss8270 Posted December 30, 2012 Author Posted December 30, 2012 (edited) I definitely understand that gunny. I have already enrolled myself in anger management, and going to counciling for at least a year because I can admit I have some serious issues, I have ordered a few books that my councler has referred to me and doing the best I can to be pleasant around her and not talk about us because I know as of right now she has checked out, I have even bit my tongue on the last few verbal attacks she has made towards me even though they have hurt, which is very unlike me. As of right now I am working on manning up and work on NC, unless its about the kids. And I know that I am just preparing myself for the next bigger and better relationship that comes my way, even if its with the same person. I am doing my best to be on the path of change. I just feel I am still in the denial stage of all of this and it will pass. But ill tell you what she gave ma a really big sack and I filled it to the brim. Edited December 30, 2012 by ataloss8270
Gunny376 Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 Good to hear that your working on your issues? We all have them you know? Some are worse than others, others are mild by comparssion, but we all have them. In the Corps one of the Leadership Principles is "To (daily) identify your weaknesses and seek self improvement! Be working on that one each and everyday for the last 38 years!
Author ataloss8270 Posted December 31, 2012 Author Posted December 31, 2012 (edited) Had a rough morning today, first time having to trade off kids with STBXW. But I manned the f*** up and made sure to stand tall. I was pleasant as possible made small talk and did my best to show no emotions. I fell I did rather well. I am proud of myself. Life will move on with or without her. Edited December 31, 2012 by ataloss8270
Author ataloss8270 Posted January 1, 2013 Author Posted January 1, 2013 The only issue I have with NC is when it comes to having kids. My W and I are both very involved parents, and its really hard to effectively co-parent with limited or no contact. Then again, we are way past the point where NC would be effective on any level that its pointless to do, so we have just worked on being friends and partners. I envy those who are in a position to go full NC. I agree with you and I'm sure someday if we don't work out we will be friends. But right now there is to much in the air for us to really talk. And I want give her sometime to cool off, and see where she's at. She still hasn't filled for divorce
Caldespair Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 Gunny great esplantaion on th NC rule. I'm 30 days since argument and I'm at a hotel. My kids are 18 and 16 so I don't have to communicate with. A few days ago I sent her an email trying to go to mediation. That's what I want to do before I have to spend much money n my lawyer -she's already got one, has not filed. I want it get back with her for the most part, all the history, kids, shes all I've know for 27 of my 49 years. Questions is, do I break Nc and contact her in one last effort to get her to do mediation ? Or do I just keep moving forward hire my lawyer, let them handle it all? I hate to think of all the wasted money on lawyers when we need money for kids college. What r ur thoughts?
Caldespair Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 One other thing gunny. That sack analogy is spot on. The w sack finally got to be filled up. And I want to be logical, and have reason , but it Is useless, just as ur anolgy noted. Last thing, if w wants out irregardless, do I become aggressive legally all within the law? I want to split everything under calif law, and if there is some alimony, under the law,I'm happy to do it. But I know ifi filed it would be the last nail in the coffin of our marriage. What to do?? Thanks
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