ladychesterton Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 My husband and I have been married over 7 yrs, dated 2 yrs. It hasn't been a good marriage, lots of conflict. I feel I can't get close to him. He has a problem with vulnerability. He also has issues with boundaries with other women. It has always been a little annoying, but nothing clearly wrong. A couple of years ago he had an in-depth friendship with a girl in his graduate program (as evidenced by 100s of phone calls and texts) of which I was entirely unaware. I didn't even know her name. Both he and she said it was not romantic, but she agreed they crossed the line in conversations. Apparently, she is gay and has a girlfriend. She agreed not to talk to him anymore. He never really told me anything specific about their relationship, just that they were friends. Anyway... here recently, it all came to a head. I was 9 months pregnant with our third child (the others are 5 yrs and 2 yrs). He has a habit of not sleeping in the bed with me whenever he is mad, and it has just basically turned into him not sleeping with me at all. At one point, I had asked him why he wouldn't, and he said I was mean to him. He gets really upset if I talk disrespectfully to him in conversations (raise my voice, interrupt him, sigh, or roll my eyes). Sometimes I do these things because I find it so frustrating to communicate with him. He is super controlling during conversations about what can be said and how. It drives me crazy. He is working on his PhD in psychology. Anyway, recently he had been staying out all kinds of hours and not answering my phone calls. One night he said he was going downtown at 1am, but instead he went down the street to this girl's house to hang out with some college folks (nobody that I associate with), then he gave another girl a ride home. He wasn't answering his phone, so I looked down the street and saw him get into his car with this girl. I had to ask him four times where he had just come from before I said he gave a girl a ride home. I was pretty upset. I felt it was poor boundaries for a married Christian man, and I didn't buy the fact that he didn't see my phone calls/texts. I'll admit, I wasn't really keeping any tabs on him much until that night because my mother happened to be visiting, helping me prepare for the baby, and she was wondering why he was going out at 1am. Long story short, I added a GPS tracking program on my cell phone plan because he refused to add the free app I asked him to (hey, I could gone into labor any day!). The first day I added, he said he was going to out to a male friend's house. I was going to sleep after a long day at work (12 hrs as an RN). About an hour later, I checked the app only to see that he was down the street at that girl's house. I called my cousin and brother who live in town. They came over. One stayed at my house with the sleeping kids, and the other came down to check the situation out with me. I ended up see him through the blinds. He was in her bedroom, all the lights were out, he was sitting on her bed. I called him 3 times and texted him to say that I needed to know if he had a change of plans. I saw them embrace and kiss goodbye. He claims (and still claims) it was the first kiss, that "she kissed him" and he only allowed it, and that she kissed him on his cheek! I saw a mouth kiss, although it was brief. Her arms were around his neck, and his were around her waist. Anyway, I told him we were through. He also lied about a month prior about falling asleep over there alone while watching a movie (he admitted to this recently). He says that is the total of what he lied about. He says there is nothing between them. He says he wants to work it out with me. We have 3 children now. We have been separated since that night, and I have been caring for the newborn baby alone. I go back to work next week! I feel so heartbroken over the children not having two parents in the same home (they still haven't really figured it out yet, he doesn't want them to know he's living somewhere else); yet, I really do not miss him at all. He has been neglecting me for so long. He is generally angry, cold, critical, controlling, unaffectionate on a regular basis for years. I have been so starved of love and connection, I don't really miss him. My first choice would be for him to change and to stay with him, but that seems unrealistic. Yet, am I overreacting? There's no proof they slept together. I actually believe him (maybe I am crazy because everyone else says they definitely did). Yet, I really don't think he is actually all that into sex. I think he likes female attention, but I have honestly wondered if he is gay (maybe unconsciously). He has high anxiety and is perfectionistic. Sometimes he has gay-ish mannerisms that gross me out. You might wonder how I got sucked into this.... I was young (married at 21), he is only person I have ever slept with, I looked up to him, I thought he was wise and good, I was insecure myself and felt safe with him. He puts forth a very convincing self-confident, relaxed, congenial image. He is good with making lots of superficial friends, but really opens up to no one. Other points: He is a good father to the kids. He hasn't worked for the past 2 yrs despite my begging him to look for something. He finally got a job a month before the baby was due because I said I needed him to work so I could take maternity leave. He is going on 8 yrs finishing this PhD program and has kept me in the dark about what is really going on because I "have a bad attitude" when I ask him about it. He has never kissed me with his mouth open. He won't let me see him naked--ever. Those last two comments probably show you that he is generally bad at intimacy in more ways than one. The last pregnancy was a complete mistake. We only slept together once, and it was probably one of 3 or 4 times in the last years, seriously. I was about to move out to get away from all the conflict when I found out I was pregnant--and I decided to stay and try to work it out. I started seeing a therapist regularly, but he wouldn't go with me. He said I was the one who needed counseling. Soo..... Now, he does want to go to counseling with me a work it out. Should I do it? I asked him to get a psych evaluation, so we are doing that next week. We are also taking some king of relationship test. I'm hoping this will give me some answers. Many people in my family are convinced he has a personality disorder, but of course they hate him. I don't hate him. I feel sorry for him. I'm just heartbroken for my children, and I'm completely overwhelming with caring for a new baby alone and the other 2 children all by myself (except for a couple hours here and there). The 2 yr old still wakes up every night and around 7am every morning. I'm exhausted! That alone is enough to push me back to him, but I'm trying to hold out until my little sister can move in with me (in a couple of weeks).
amaysngrace Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 Well this sucks. If he lies about one thing who is to say he isn't lying about a lot more than three things? It really doesn't matter if he lied only three times. He's a liar. Same way that if you steal once then you're a thief. If he won't go to couples counseling how does he expect things to improve between you? What you're doing now clearly isn't working. He sounds really selfish.
HopingforBest Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 I'm so sorry you are going through this. It sounds horrible. I understand your desire for him to change so you can work it out. But like you said it's not realistic. I'm in a similar situation and I struggle with the same thoughts. I'm 8 months pregnant and I have a 3 year old. Husband left 3 months ago and has been acting like an ass since then. Only difference is he's not really asking to come back. I fear I would take him back though for mostly the same reasons you mentioned. I think the smart thing to do though would be to move forward with the divorce. You can't trust him. Thank goodness you're not financially dependent on him. Hopefully when your sister moves in she'll provide the help you've been missing from him. Does he come and spend time with the kids often?
ZxExD Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 So sorry to read about a person like that. My heart goes out to you. Sounds to me you would be better off with out him even though it is hard to raise your kids on your own. But if he is not there for you and your married, and he would rather be down the street or anywhere but home with his family, there is something else going on. And not working for 2 years, thats BS, especially with a newborn on the way. You said he is a good father? Could you explain that? I am a father, and I tried to be the best I could. I am home every night no matter what. Even when my son is not here, I am at home wishing he was here. I was at home every night, sleeping in the bed next to my wife up until the day she moved out. Ya, there was some nights on the couch, but I was at home, not down the street, not excepting texts or calls. You sound down to earth, and under control.
Gunny376 Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 OK! Got the filing divorce part! Not getting the "Having doubts" part? Why because you've got three kids? I've known and know plenty of "real men" that wouldn't even slow them down when it comes to getting with a smart, intelligent, self sufficient, self supporting, educated, loving, nurturing, woman with a lot of love to give. Hell when I got with Mrs. Gunny I not only got two more children in the mix, along with my own? I got two more granddaughters and three more grandsons to boot to my own two children and grandson. Wouldn't change it any other way. You see real Men? When they sign on with a woman? They sign on for the full deal and the full package. The deluxe package! The whole enchilada. I don't see where as you've got anything to work for her to save ~ let alone to hold out for. I know it takes a lot of time of effort, energy, and study not to mention money to earn a PhD, but I just about belive my dog could have gotten a PhD in something within eight years? If nothing else but the "Mating Habits of Coon Dogs!" Sounds more like to me he's one of those "career students" whose going to make a career at teaching a whole bunch of useless stuff like Greek and Roman Mythology, (All you need to know about that stuff was that Zeus was a horny devil and screwing any and everything he could get his hands on!) 2
Downtown Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 Lady, although I've taught in two different universities, I've never even heard of a university that would allow a student to remain in a PhD program for 8 years. I therefore suspect your H's alleged work on a PhD is about as real as the "gay woman" living down the street. If you want proof, I suggest you call the psychology department at the university and ask the name of his advisor or his instructors. Explain that you are his wife and you want to tell them he may have to miss a class today. Most likely, the secretary answering the phone will check their records or transfer you to one of the faculty members. The number of PhD students in a psych department typically is so small that faculty members know all of them by name. 2
Gunny376 Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 Ahhhhhh!!!!! The chickens are coming home to roost! :sick:
Balzac Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 PhD programs require registration and tuition/fees even if grants/loans offset the expense. It seems you'd have knowledge of his student status. Is he in a PsyD program requiring clinical hours? Six years beyond undergrad is common. Are you counting all education or just the PhD? I'm not understanding a third child if your marriage has been to tenuous.
Mystery2Me Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 Hello Lady! I am so very sorry about the hurt, exhaustion, confusion you are experiencing. First of all you must know that you have done nothing wrong, and none of this is your fault. With that said, you are a smart woman and intelligent women know that life is truly not that complicated...either he is with you or he is not. So now you need to remain focused, objectively (easier said than done) review his behavior/actions...then as if by magic the simple truth will reveal itself to you. My story is similar to yours in that my STBXH made up every story under the sun for 2 primary reasons: 1. Avoid taking personal responsibility for consciously committing adultery 2. Prevent me from moving forward to live a happy authentic life free of lies About his PhD, well I earned my PhD in molecular biology in 5 yrs. All graduate programs have a stream-lined degree plan that must be completed in a "defined" amount of time. Long story short, even with extenuating circumstances, it is very unlikely that after 8 yrs the university would allow him to remain in the PhD program...infact most would insist he take a Master's degree and move on. So Lady, review the facts/behavior/actions he has layed before you and judge them as if they belonged to someone else. Unfortunately it will hurt to face a truth you did not ask for, but to continue living in the shadows cast by your husband is not acceptable. Be very kind to yourself and your children. 1
Author ladychesterton Posted December 31, 2012 Author Posted December 31, 2012 You said he is a good father? Could you explain that? He is very focused on being a good parent. It is the self-proclaimed most important thing in his life goals. He's a big disciplinarian, but he is affectionate with the kids (which the only way I know he's capable of affection). I feel like in some way it was the kids that have thrown him off for some reason. It's like a big source of anxiety for him. He is very controlling over their lives. His parents also were extremely controlling over their kids lives (5 of them). I grew up in a very different atmosphere. I have much more independence, and now my parents are much more my equals in comparison. For example, I have to call his parents by Mr. and Mrs. while my parents let him call them by their first names. He seriously will have taken 8 yrs to finish IF he indeed does finish this coming May. It was 4 years of classes (should have been 3) + 1 yr of internship + the last 2.5 yrs trying to finish up the dissertation. So yes, by May it will be 8 yrs total. He has run out of student loans and his credits were expiring (had to get them specially approved, I think). At this point, I'm not sure how he worked it out, but I think his mom helped him with tuition. He has kept me in the dark about it these past 2.5 yrs that were just dissertation years. I actually don't know why he took the extra year before internship either. He told other people it was because we had a baby, but I didn't understand that because I do almost all the childcare unless I am at work. Almost all of my social life consists of mommy activities so the kids can come along. Part of me is so looking forward to the possibility of having an honest, real connection with another person who is open about their imperfections. Another part of me is so broken for my children, missing the potential of having two parents attention at the same time, and hoping that somehow my husband can change. I feel like if I do end up with another man, really nobody can love your kids like you do. And of course, what if I end up staying single? I prefer that to no change at all, but my husband says he wants to go to counseling and try to change. Right now, my counselor is not pushing me to reconcile. I think he wants me to see how I feel on my own, taking care of myself. I want to take care of myself, but it is so hard to prioritize self-care with a newborn. Yet, I know these months will fly by so quickly, and even 6 months to a year from now will be so different.
ZxExD Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 Being a good father is building a good home life. Supporting your kids and give them direction. Taking care of them and there needs. How is he doing this by not working? Even a part time job would help. Also, it still bugs me that he is out at another girls house at 1 a.m. when he should be home with his family. You say he doesn't even sleep with you anymore. What is there left? As far as calling your parents by the first name or his Mr and Mrs. Screw that, its mom and dad period. My brother came down on my once and said he was going to tell Barb. BARB? He was ya Barb. I had no idea who he was talking about, so I asked him if he meant mom? He said Yes, I said " You Call mom Barb?". I shook my head, turned around and walked away laughing. Anyways, from your typing and wording, you are a very strong woman and know what you want and what you have to do. Life is to be Lived, not waiting around for something to happen. 1
Author ladychesterton Posted January 1, 2013 Author Posted January 1, 2013 Well, my doubts are now gone. Thanks be to God! As I was driving home from a family-friendly new years eve party around 11pm (I left early because the kids were sleepy), I gave him a call to see if he was nearby (he's renting a room somewhere close by). I got no answer, so I thought I'd drive by her house and see if he was there. It is truly by God's grace I turned one street back just to drive in from a different direction and saw his car parked one street over--hiding, of course. After getting the kids inside, and getting my cousins to come over, I walked down there to see them at her party in her backyard kiss at the stroke of midnight (nobody saw me). I can't believe all those people are witnesses to that adultery. They know he is married, even if they don't know me!! No more doubts in my mind. This man said he wanted to work it out with, that he loved me, that he wasn't going to talk to her anymore! I can't keep coming back to this. I can't keep trying. It is officially over. Thanks for your comments and support. I could use your prayers as I figure this out. I'm not going to tell him what I know, or what I've seen. What's the point?
Gunny376 Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 Well, my doubts are now gone. Thanks be to God! As I was driving home from a family-friendly new years eve party around 11pm (I left early because the kids were sleepy), I gave him a call to see if he was nearby (he's renting a room somewhere close by). I got no answer, so I thought I'd drive by her house and see if he was there. It is truly by God's grace I turned one street back just to drive in from a different direction and saw his car parked one street over--hiding, of course. After getting the kids inside, and getting my cousins to come over, I walked down there to see them at her party in her backyard kiss at the stroke of midnight (nobody saw me). I can't believe all those people are witnesses to that adultery. They know he is married, even if they don't know me!! No more doubts in my mind. This man said he wanted to work it out with, that he loved me, that he wasn't going to talk to her anymore! I can't keep coming back to this. I can't keep trying. It is officially over. Thanks for your comments and support. I could use your prayers as I figure this out. I'm not going to tell him what I know, or what I've seen. What's the point? Well not by the Grace of God? Now you know, and you have un-denial confirmation, a strengthing of resolve and determination, and most of all? Closure to a degree. Many never have that! Go with God, and His Grace. Wish you and yours the best in the New Year ahead!
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