cmarkvon Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 I just broke off a fairly short-term relationship. I know it was the right thing to do, but I am finding myself- after the fact- continuing to analyze and debate with myself. I was crazy attracted to him, and really loved a lot of things about him. We were a great match in many ways. And we have a ton of friends in common, who were really excited to see us get together. But there were a lot of things going on that I couldn't ignore. He was a big storyteller. Life of the party, and the stories were entertaining, but it was obvious that a lot of them were not true, and lot of what came out of his mouth was a lie. Very concerned about impressing people around him. BIG drinker-- very sweet and endearing when sober, but when drinking, turned into a total disrespectful frat boy. Embarrassing for everyone around him to watch. Several arrests for DUIs. Came on super strong in the beginning, sweep-you-off-your feet type stuff, but quickly started blowing hot and cold. Calling late night, sometimes returning texts, sometimes not. Not really sure where he's going in life, or where he wants to live, moves around a lot. I felt like he had a lot of secrets-- it was a bit unnerving. I sort of saw the writing on the wall and decided to have some self respect and walk away before I got super emotionally invested and got my heart broken. My gut was screaming at me to run away, almost from the very start. I know it was probably a disaster waiting to happen on several levels. I have a child, and know that this was not the type of person that would be healthy to bring into our family. I'm proud of myself for listening to my gut (finally) and breaking things off before something really bad happened. Why am I now doubting myself? Rehashing and wondering if I should have stuck it out to see how it played out? I guess I miss the "nice guy" side, and am wondering if I should have given that part of him more of a chance? I won't, but I'm wondering if this ridiculous self-doubt ever makes any of you crazy like it is me. What do you tell yourself to walk away with closure and confidence in your mind and heart?
Treasa Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 What you did was the right thing. I've dated two men who sound exactly like the one you're describing. Neither one was worth it. Neither of them was "healthy" emotionally, and I had gut feelings right from the start. I wish I had listened to them, but the important thing is that I LEARNED from it. I now see the danger signs. It's hard because you walked away and you worry that you might be wrong. That the person everyone else thinks is so great is really who he is. But that's just an act. You've seen who he really is. And you're right to put your child first. Your child shouldn't be exposed to someone like this, and you deserve better. 1
Author cmarkvon Posted December 30, 2012 Author Posted December 30, 2012 "It's hard because you walked away and you worry that you might be wrong. That the person everyone else thinks is so great is really who he is. But that's just an act. You've seen who he really is. And you're right to put your child first. Your child shouldn't be exposed to someone like this, and you deserve better." Thank you so much, Treasa! This really resonates with me, and I appreciate your response. I haven't really talked to anyone about it, haven't spoken a word about the break up to any of our mutual friends, b/c I don't want to bash him in any way. He's just moved away again for several months, and I'm hoping that the whole thing kind of blows over within the group while he's gone. I have no idea what's he's said to them about it, but there have been a couple of gatherings that I haven't been invited to, so obviously he's said something. It's nice to have some feedback about it, instead of just being stuck in my own head about it.
Treasa Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 You could just contact one of them, someone you really trust, and lightly ask what's going on. You don't have to bash him. He might not have bashed you. My exes never said anything bad about me. Ever. However, for them it's all about appearances. They want to appear happy and like nothing's wrong. They don't want to be the "bad guy" you know?
Author cmarkvon Posted December 30, 2012 Author Posted December 30, 2012 So very true! He was hugely concerned about appearances, and what people thought of him. He made a huge show of being all over me in front of our friends from the very beginning. It was flattering in a way, but really over the top. It felt like a big show, and kind of empty and fake. And, the drunker he was, the more over the top it became until it was pretty embarrassing and inappropriately sexual, in front of all of these people. Actually, it was one of these incidences that was the final straw, I broke it off. By text, which was ****ty, but I didn't want a big blow up-- he had a bit of a temper. He never replied to the text, no apology for embarrassing me, no- I don't remember doing that, nothing. Anyway, thanks for the suggestion. I will take your advice! You sure seem to know what you're talking about! You mentioned having experience with a couple of guys who sounded exactly like this-- thanks for letting me benefit from your experiences!
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