LonelyKitten Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 This might come of as a complaint, and I've been giving this so much thought before actually posting but I've gone to I point where I think everything's so hopeless so I decided to give this advice seeking a try. My husband Is boring. That's just the way he is. We don't go out on dates. We don't go out to party. We just simply barely go out If not to work. (Yes we work together) and that's about is. Sex is really good, but we barely **** because he's not that much of a sexual person. I guess that's ok, I've learned to deal with sexual frustration. Now, aside from this. He is a very hardworking man, and a very good husband. We never go hungry, we have all our necessities met. Intellectually all is very good, but emotionally... Ehh. I just don't know how to make him want to atleast go out on a date with me willingly. We go to eat someplace just us two and he automatically thinks it's a date. I've tried talking to him, but he just says that it Was a date and that i shouldn't be so ungrateful. I admit I am a girl and I need lots of mushiness and affection. Maybe that's it? The advice I need is, what should I do to make him want to go out on dates with me...?
sharsh Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 Does he go out with friends/family? Does he do things without you? Do you think there is a possibility he could be depressed? I mean, with his lack of interest in things.. How long have you two been married? Was he like this before you married him? 1
SmileFace Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 Did you not know all of this before the wedding? 1
movingon12 Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 Apart from dates (and I kind of agree with him - going out to eat together is a date of sorts), what other kinds of things do you want from him? Romantic texts, flowers, little gifts, suprises, chocolates? Sometimes you have to really spell these things out to guys because they don't realise that 'being a good provider' isn't the be all and end all of a relationship. Having said that - how long have you been married? I don't think it's good enough to just say that you'll deal with the sexual frustration. This is the kind of thing that can really eat away at a relationship and bring a lot of insecurity and bitterness. 1
Divasu Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 Here's a good quote made from a man on Oprah: "When guys go hunting and they get a deer the first day, the rest of the week they sit in the cabin and drink and brag on their deer. It's the same when guys get married. Like, "I got my deer. It's not like I'm not good looking. I could get more deer, [but] I've got my deer." They think, "Hey, I've done what I've got to do. Now I don't have to work that hard." The advice I need is, what should I do to make him want to go out on dates with me...? Run like a deer, maybe? Compliment his 'manhood'? How about if he 'promises' to do such and such and doesn't follow through, you can say "Listen here... If you make a promise, then man up and keep it. If you have no intention of doing it, then say so".
TaraMaiden Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 So... basically... you're living with a housemate who you have sex with occasionally.... The sex will wane off, and eventually, you'll just be joint tenants. let me let you into a little secret: Wives/GFs try and try and try and try and then finally, when they're sick and tired of banging their heads against the wall, call it a day, quit and decide to exit. Men remain complacent, stay in the 'well if it ain't broke, don't fix it' mode, and take for granted that everything is fine - then up the ante and make the effort when they realise that it's all falling to pieces around them. Honestly - so many threads begun by men confessing their wife/GF has left them, state within the first few lines "It's true, I didn't do this/that/the other, I wasn't attentive/kind/good to her....." My advice, if there is still a spark within your heart for him, and you feel your love is worth it? Tell him you want out - now. Give him a firm idea of where things have gone wrong for you, and it's over, you are done. THEN - he'll 'chase deer'..... But be careful: it has to be a prolonged, long-haul 'hunt'. If he makes the effort, but gives up once you decide to stay again - then you'll know you're just trophy. Not commitment. 1
Author LonelyKitten Posted December 30, 2012 Author Posted December 30, 2012 Does he go out with friends/family? Does he do things without you? Do you think there is a possibility he could be depressed? I mean, with his lack of interest in things.. How long have you two been married? Was he like this before you married him? Well when we first started dating he was a bit dinner, we would atleast hangout with his friends. But now he thinks they're bad influences since all the do is party and drink all the time. I honestly don't mind being a party girl for one night. I also understand him being mature about this and distancing himself. So I don't think he's depressed. Maybe I'm the one that has to grow up a bit, right?
Author LonelyKitten Posted December 30, 2012 Author Posted December 30, 2012 Apart from dates (and I kind of agree with him - going out to eat together is a date of sorts), what other kinds of things do you want from him? Romantic texts, flowers, little gifts, suprises, chocolates? Sometimes you have to really spell these things out to guys because they don't realise that 'being a good provider' isn't the be all and end all of a relationship. Having said that - how long have you been married? I don't think it's good enough to just say that you'll deal with the sexual frustration. This is the kind of thing that can really eat away at a relationship and bring a lot of insecurity and bitterness. That is all oh so true. I mean I don't want to be all selfish, because askin for flowers and chocolates sound all so childish. I also have this dilemma, I don't want to tell him 'I want chocolate' for example because that loses its meaning. For me atleast. I know it sounds silly! I know. I just wish there would be a way to make him want to do this willingly... Or maybe I have to get over that and just tell him 'buy me chocolates'? I know he would, He is very good person don't get me wrong. He would. But, meh... Maybe the problem is really me? I lam not sure.
Author LonelyKitten Posted December 30, 2012 Author Posted December 30, 2012 Here's a good quote made from a man on Oprah: "When guys go hunting and they get a deer the first day, the rest of the week they sit in the cabin and drink and brag on their deer. It's the same when guys get married. Like, "I got my deer. It's not like I'm not good looking. I could get more deer, [but] I've got my deer." They think, "Hey, I've done what I've got to do. Now I don't have to work that hard." Run like a deer, maybe? Compliment his 'manhood'? How about if he 'promises' to do such and such and doesn't follow through, you can say "Listen here... If you make a promise, then man up and keep it. If you have no intention of doing it, then say so". That is a very good quote. wow. But I'm scared, Why If he doesn't chase me? He has always been a person that accepts my choices and never imposes! He would be like sweetheart if that's what you really want... Whatever makes you happy makes me happy... You see. I've tought about that. I've told him 'I'm going to go back home for a couple of weeks' and actually stay more than planned and he's ok with it.. If that's the case what should I do then?
Author LonelyKitten Posted December 30, 2012 Author Posted December 30, 2012 So... basically... you're living with a housemate who you have sex with occasionally.... The sex will wane off, and eventually, you'll just be joint tenants. let me let you into a little secret: Wives/GFs try and try and try and try and then finally, when they're sick and tired of banging their heads against the wall, call it a day, quit and decide to exit. Men remain complacent, stay in the 'well if it ain't broke, don't fix it' mode, and take for granted that everything is fine - then up the ante and make the effort when they realise that it's all falling to pieces around them. Honestly - so many threads begun by men confessing their wife/GF has left them, state within the first few lines "It's true, I didn't do this/that/the other, I wasn't attentive/kind/good to her....." My advice, if there is still a spark within your heart for him, and you feel your love is worth it? Tell him you want out - now. Give him a firm idea of where things have gone wrong for you, and it's over, you are done. THEN - he'll 'chase deer'..... But be careful: it has to be a prolonged, long-haul 'hunt'. If he makes the effort, but gives up once you decide to stay again - then you'll know you're just trophy. Not commitment. I really feel that way! That were more of roommates than lovers! I really do. But I try not go think this way because I'm lucky enough to not have an irresponsible husband. We don't have kids, but he takes care of our pets and like I said they're a other things that do compensate. I mean, some relationships are all sex and they like a very low life... Right? I honestly don't know how to go about this. Some part of me wants sex, wants to be like high school kids messing around everywhere being all romantic, going to the movies, and such... But I'm already 32, I should be over that right? I don't know... If I tell him I want out he's goin to be sad, but he won't impose or ask for me to stay since I have my own free will...
Author LonelyKitten Posted December 30, 2012 Author Posted December 30, 2012 Did you not know all of this before the wedding? Yeah... I did. I wasn't as severe as it is now though.
KathyM Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 Don't threaten to leave. Tell him you both need to work on your marriage because you are not getting your needs met for having a partner that you have fun with and feel romance with. Tell him you appreciate the dinners out, but you're going to add in more fun and active things to your date nights, rather than just make it about eating out, and then plan something for the next weekend and every weekend after that. Take turns planning what to do for date night so that he gets actively involved in the planning of it. A lot of men are not that good at planning evenings out, so you need to take a more proactive stance on this and guide him on this. 1
Lonely Ronin Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 Yeah... I did. I wasn't as severe as it is now though. The answer then is that the honeymoon period is over, and it's going to require more work from both of you.
TaraMaiden Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 I really feel that way! That were more of roommates than lovers! I really do. But I try not go think this way because I'm lucky enough to not have an irresponsible husband. We don't have kids, but he takes care of our pets and like I said they're a other things that do compensate. I mean, some relationships are all sex and they like a very low life... Right? Possibly. But we're not talking about 'some' relationships. We're talking about yours. Some part of me wants sex, wants to be like high school kids messing around everywhere being all romantic, going to the movies, and such... But I'm already 32, I should be over that right? ...Why...? I don't know... If I tell him I want out he's goin to be sad, but he won't impose or ask for me to stay since I have my own free will... You won't know, until you broach the subject - will you?
Lonely Ronin Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 Possibly. You won't know, until you broach the subject - will you? Nothing like running full out into a field of land mines!
Author LonelyKitten Posted December 31, 2012 Author Posted December 31, 2012 Don't threaten to leave. Tell him you both need to work on your marriage because you are not getting your needs met for having a partner that you have fun with and feel romance with. Tell him you appreciate the dinners out, but you're going to add in more fun and active things to your date nights, rather than just make it about eating out, and then plan something for the next weekend and every weekend after that. Take turns planning what to do for date night so that he gets actively involved in the planning of it. A lot of men are not that good at planning evenings out, so you need to take a more proactive stance on this and guide him on this. Thank you so much! I guess I was so frustrated I had tought about actually doing this... But what if he doesn't want to because he thinks it's boring or something? I should casually just tell him 'he lets go to the movies today!' Right? And if he says yes, slowly add more things to the equation, right? I feel very silly, like a high school girl with these questions. Jeje.
Recommended Posts