men are just insensitive or serious problem...?

August 16, 2004

Ok, since i have a feeling that my last post won't end up helping me overall as much as i would like...i decided to widen my prospects a little. The problem with my obsessive thoughts it only a small portion of my current problem. All mental problems aside, women are emotional. it's a fact...at least more so than most men. But then here is my problem...any glimmer of emotional distress that i show is immediately met with hostility and anger from my boyfreind. it's as if the idea of my feelings being hurt or my being sad either, doesn't effect him at all, or infuriates him. i know that he has inherited a bad temper from his father, among other things, but basicly i just wish he would be a little more sensitive to me in general. i have told him that if he would just hug me or say "i love you" when he sees that i'm upset, instead of "that's so stupid" or "you're crazy" or "this is ridiculous", then chances are i wouldn't even remember to be upset after a few minutes. but instead i get upset, then he gets mad at me and starts calling me hurtful names and insulting me, which causes me to get mad, and then the whole situation ends up really "ridiculous". i realize that he is just frustrated because he doesn't like me to be unhappy, but you would think he would be more willing to try perhaps, to react differently, and thus solve the problem altogether. i just want to know what to do. i mean, we're both madly in love and want it to work, but we're young, and both tempermental. and i dunno...i keep telling myself that it will change. that he will change. am i just grasping at something that isn't there? how can i help him, to help me. how can i help us? i'm so lost right now...it's causing me to be really depressed lately. i tried to talk to my father about it and although he was trying to be helpful, he almost made me feel like it was useless and i was going to stay miserable unless i left him? please help. i love him so much.

August 16, 2004

I feel for you. My Wife had a real huge problem with PDA. Instead of telling him your feelings, set him down and talk to him about how much it hurts you that he doesn't seem to care. He does, he's just disfunctional in demonstrating it.

Make sure that you let him know right off the bat that your are being as serious as a heart attack before you talk to him. You'll need his undivided attention to get through to him.

Don't bring up any of your feelings at all......this discussion should only be about his lack of showing how much he cares.

Good Luck!!

Moose

August 16, 2004

oh my oh my, i bet it is hard, but u know a lot of men are like that, they always try to give u a solution to the problem, instead of just listing to us women. if they would just listen, and not say something, we would be so happy, but unfortuantly that doesnt happen so fast, it takes a lot of time.

when u want to talk to him about something, make sure that u tell him, honey i have some stuff to say, and get out of my chest, would u just listen to me, cuz that would make me feel so good, and i dont want u to feel like u r the reason to how i feel.

some guys might think that they are being blamed, when their girls are upset, or just unloading. so make him feel like its nothing that he did. just tell him how much it means to u if he would just listen to u.

and by the way dont expect him to change, or that u will try to change him, thats the worst thing that u can try to do to a man. he will not change.

so far thats all i can say, good luck.

August 17, 2004

Originally posted by loveregardless
...women are emotional. it's a fact...at least more so than most men

This is not true.

But then here is my problem...any glimmer of emotional distress that i show is immediately met with hostility and anger from my boyfreind. it's as if the idea of my feelings being hurt or my being sad either, doesn't effect him at all, or infuriates him. i know that he has inherited a bad temper from his father, among other things, but basicly i just wish he would be a little more sensitive to me in general.

How often are you distressed emotionally? Any sound-minded individual will go nuts and get angry and tired of someone constantly crying or being upset over things. If this is the case, I think things are fairly justified. I'd recommend sitting down and talking about things with him. Explain how you feel, and definitely find out his angle and outlook on the situation.

i have told him that if he would just hug me or say "i love you" when he sees that i'm upset, instead of "that's so stupid" or "you're crazy" or "this is ridiculous", then chances are i wouldn't even remember to be upset after a few minutes. but instead i get upset, then he gets mad at me and starts calling me hurtful names and insulting me, which causes me to get mad, and then the whole situation ends up really "ridiculous".

Everyone has ones own ideas of what hurtful words and names are. For all that I know, these things could be perfectly justified and you are leaving out huge chunks of the story. It is good that you are communicating your needs and feelings to him, but you might do well to find out why he reacts in the manner he does.

If my girlfriend were upset over the fact that the store didn't have her favorite soda at that particular moment, or that her favorite song on the radio was met with horrible reception once she tuned to it, I'd think her a bit odd. I would probably tell her she is being silly to be so upset over such little things, and tell her to get over it.

What sorts of things are you upset about when you need him to hug you and reassure you of his feelings for you? If these are legitimate things to be upset about then I can understand where you are coming from. Are these issues serious, or do you find yourself upset often over things others may not consider very important?

i realize that he is just frustrated because he doesn't like me to be unhappy, but you would think he would be more willing to try perhaps, to react differently, and thus solve the problem altogether. i just want to know what to do. i mean, we're both madly in love and want it to work, but we're young, and both tempermental. and i dunno...i keep telling myself that it will change. that he will change. am i just grasping at something that isn't there? how can i help him, to help me. how can i help us? i'm so lost right now...it's causing me to be really depressed lately. i tried to talk to my father about it and although he was trying to be helpful, he almost made me feel like it was useless and i was going to stay miserable unless i left him? please help. i love him so much.

If you two aren't communicating very well, then I don't see much of a relationship here. Find out why he acts the way that he does. Find out why you are so upset lately. Dealing with what makes you upset is probably a good start. If you're stressed out and depressed quite frequently lately, this won't help in him being any more supportive of you. A person can only take so much.

Talk about things. Take a look at what makes you upset, and ask him how he feels about those issues. Are these issues really worth getting worked up over? If he reacts in displeasure over these things is he so wrong? If he is wrong, why are you in a relationship in which you are lacking support? If someone loves you, would they not be there to console you?

Don't get me wrong, however. If you become upset over something that is quite silly or unnecessary, one who loves you may get quite irate.

August 17, 2004

ha. how can you say that it is not true that women are more sensitive than men. Women have estrogen running through their bodies at all times, compiled with any birth control they may be on (or God knows if their pregnant), which only adds MORE unstable hormones into the picture....and yes...women are more emotional than men. besides men don't have to bleed monthly, birth children, and then "mother" those birthed children. Women are just chemically made different than men. Men have testosterone running through their bodies ,which was evolutionarily necessary for the protection and survival of their families long long before our time. But now that we live in this world, women still have to nurture and be the emotionally sensative sex, but men don't have to beat their dinner to death anymore and fight off hungry wolves. That's why this whole issue arises to begin with. But i'm not asking for him to be emotional. And I understand completely how easy it would be to be frustrated with someone who was upset all the time. I myself would get extremely aggravated in that situation...but you see its just gone so beyond that issue. It's more along the lines of... unless I am happy 24/7 about everything he does/wants to do/or says than it is immediately met with such a reaction (as I talked about in my first post). By my being upset about things, I mean even that if I disagree with him...

but I had a serious talk with him last night and hopefully things will be better. Now that's not to say that I am in fact not an extremely sensative person. But that's just who I am. Good with the bad...being sensative may mean that I get on some nerves sometime, but that also means that I would do anything for anyone for any reason, just because I can understand how it would feel to be them. I'm just very sensative to emotion in general. I don't know how to explain it, but i don't think that it should be a "bad thing". People are who they are. Even the tempermental cave men. But anyways...i think things will get better now. We finally had a constructive conversation, so...we shall see.

August 17, 2004

i forgot to run spell check and well..i can't spell.

August 18, 2004

It is truly weird how alike we are.

I once had a boyfriend like yours...my ex...we dated for 2 years and 9 months and I don't even know why I let it go on that long. He had the WORST temper and got so frustrated that I'm emotionally sensitive that eventually I could be crying about something that really bothered me in our bed at night and he'd just turn the TV up and tell me to shut up. I TRIED to change him so badly but it never worked. Your boyfriend has to WANT to change and has to WANT the relationship to work out for this to happen.

Also when I say I'm emotionally sensitive I don't mean that I cry if a song I want to listen to has bad reception or if a store hasn't got the soda i want (lol...honestly who DOES that??)...I'm probably like you. I cry a lot more than I'd like to. I sometimes feel like there's this invisible cup inside me that fills with tears over time and sometimes it just overflows and has to come out....I cry at movies all the time....cuz I feel close to the people and am able to put myself in their shoes and feel how badly they would feel (if something bad happens to them)...which is something my boyfriend doesn't understand but he doesn't get angry over...he's like "Awww honey are you crying?? They're not real!! It's just a movie"....lol...he just doesn't get it....I mean they may be in a movie but real stuff like the movies that are sad happen to people every day....am i right?

Anyways about your boyfriend...I really hope the talk you had with him works. The boyfriend I'm with now has absolutely no temper which is something I LOVE and him and I have agreed to tell each other if ANYTHING in our relationship is bothering us....so we have good communication. Hope you can work towards that too

August 18, 2004

Yes, I was actually kind of offended by the comment about crying if the song I wanted to hear wasn't coming in the station properly, or whatever that other guy said. But I didn't feel it was worth responding to. I don't cry when things that shouldn't elicit an emotional response happen. But I know what you mean PERFECTLY about being emotionally sensitive. That's so aweful about your boyfreind turning the television up and telling you to shut up. Mostly it's awful because I hope it doesn't get that bad with my boyfriend. He does do the "sit down and stare at the televison" thing when we are fighting about something. But he says he isn't actually watching the tv, that he's thinking. But then there are times when he has just sat there and watched me ball my eyes out without flinching. I think the majority of his problem is his inherited temper, which causes him to literally put a wall up and not be able to feel anything sometimes. I explaines to you personally the situation with his father so you probably have a better idea of what i mean. But he knows that he has inherited this, and it scares him , he hates his father and that part of himself that is like him. The whole situation is really about his mental demons and my mental demons fighting with one another. We get along great when the bad guys keep their mouths shut! But anyways... I told him when we did talk that if he really loved me (and I know he does) that that kind of behavior was just not something that I was going to tolerate anymore. I can't keep thinking that he doesn't care, he can't let me think he doesn't care. Because I don't want to end up like that woman on American Beauty who didn't know what the hell was going on because she had turned into a zombie. I don't know if you've seen the movie, but if not you should!

And by the way- I cry at almost every movie. Since I was a little kid, I used to have to cover my eyes when the "sad" parts would come on. I once saw a news special on the KKK, and I couldn't have been more then 10, and I cried because I thought it was so sad that those mean people hated everyone so much. When 911 happened, and mind you I didn't even know anyone involved, I cried myself to sleep for a month, praying every night that everyone would stop all the hate. I am exactly the same way, in that I can understand what it would be like to feel as those people do. But my sensitivity extends even farther beyond that. Anything that happens in the world, even to animals and plants for goodness sake, I just feel emotionally attatched to everything. Like I can literally feel whatever it is that something/ or someone else is feeling. I don't really know how to explain it...I found a word for it once in a book I was reading on Angel therapy. Clairsient possibly. i'm not sure...but anyways, apparently people like me do exist. you!

August 18, 2004

If they change, it is to get worse. Pure and simple. It doesn't matter "how much you love them," or "how much work you put into it." Change ALWAYS must come from within. If you sit him down and discuss it rationally and with great care to be clear and unemotional, and tell him "Please do not lecture me, please just hold me," and his behavior doesn't change, then it is time to accept that this is him. Period. If a discussion with him fails, then you are stuck with it ALL YOUR RELATIONSHIP. The remote chance exists that he will one day wake up, but I guarantee you that the chance is far too remote to gamble your life on.

There are men out there who are not like this. There are men out there who are not like the poster above who automatically assumes it's your fault and "you earned it." You do NOT have to live with an insensitive jerk. You do not have to "accept" that "this is how men are" because that's just how he is.

Now, granted, if you are overly sensitive and unable to be rational, then the problem is yours and will follow you. But if you are under a genuine stress in the relationship, and trying to work it out, and he is reacting in this manner, then the problem is his, and you can't fix or change him.

My suggestion to you is to examine the reasons you have for having chosen a "project" man. I have chosen "project" men all my life until this one. I broke my habit of finding men who "needed" me, and I finally found one who just wants me and loves me. It is so much better to be wanted than it is to be needed.

If you want to stay with this fellow, and you are genuinely not able to get through to him about your need for his emotional support (which is a genuine, appropriate need), then you must accept it as it is. You must internalize, realize, accept, and live with the fact that you cannot, and will not, change him. It really is that cut and dried. If you won't leave him, and a discussion doesn't work, then this is how it is.

August 18, 2004

Wow,

I feel really bad for you that you feel THAT emotionally attached to animals and people and what happens to them. That must be horrible crying that much....must get really depressing. I'm sorry

My ex boyfriend WAS really angry and emotionally not there for me...hopefully yours will change. Part of my ex's problem was that his father who he completely adored died when he was a little boy...he was 8...and it wasn't just ordinary circumstances, his father committed suicide (gun to head). So that really messed him up. He's STILL messed up from that apparently....and I know from his mother that his father was ALWAYS angry and abusive and controlling so of course he's going to be like that. So when we broke up, as much as I loved him like crazy I knew I shouldn't ever try to get back together with him cuz I REALLY wanted a guy without a temper at all...cuz honestly...people with tempers scare me, they're like ticking time bombs. I would hate to tiptoe around someone my entire life just so I don't make them angry...that's no way to live. I hope YOU don't have it that bad.

As long as your boyfriend listens to you and is willing to be better, things should work out! And I don't want to discourage you but with my ex...I KNEW things would never change...I kinda just woke up and realized it one day and even though we were still together I knew I could never marry him...why did I stay you wonder? Cuz honestly, when you're in a relationship for a long time, it gets too comfy and you just don't wanna leave even if it's bad.....

August 18, 2004

The more I keep talking about my boyfreind after the last few days, the more I am really starting to question myself than ever before. I didn't ever see it as I was trying to "change" him. Because at first, he wasn't like this. He was sensitive and caring and emotionally comforting, he was wonderful, but then one day he decided that it was just too much work and he didn't feel like he should have to put up with it anymore. As if I am somthing that should have to be put up with anyway. I don't think that my sensitivity is a problem that I have, and I don't think that I have truly developed any issues since I met him. In fact, he never used to see me get upset at all because within two seconds it would be "Are you ok...I love you...don't be sad." and whatever it was whenever it was it would be over just like that. We never faught. It was wonderful. Now his entire additude is just different, he says that he loves me and that he couldn't be without me, but then he just gets so pissy sometimes. And if I try to talk to him about something that I didn't think was very nice or that I disagree with then he tells me that I need to stop "bitching". So then that pisses me off and we start to argue and then he just says the most hateful ridiculous stuff, and then I cry. That's ususally about how it goes. So I just don't know what to do. In the mornings we travel together to town to go to work, and he just sits in silence the whole way and when I try to get him to talk to me, he tells me that he doesn't have anything to say to me because he talks to me all the time. And then when we get in the car to go home, we talk for a while about our day and then we usually end up arguing because he drives like an ass and it scares me. And then when we get home, we usually get along all right, unless he wants to do something that I don't want to do, and then he starts telling me how miserable and bored he is all the time and how we never do anything funa nd he just wishes he could do more of ________ or hang out more with _________. Whatever hair it is up his ass at the moment. And well, being told that I am borning and that I make him miserable is not a pleasant thing to absorb on a frequent basis so that usually makes me feel like crap and I get sad, which makes him angry and then he starts being mean and makes me cry. And then what happens when I cry is that he either sits there and acts as is nothing is happening or gets really angry and has a temper tantrum where he usually punches something (something soft like the couch or bed) and then i get really pissed and its just a mess. and then afterwards he'll get all emotional and tell me that he knows he's an ass and he's sorry and he loves me and oh, don't cry anymore. But at that point I'm usually hysterical (because I don't respond well to maniacs). But anyways...that's about how the routine goes. I don't think I left anything out. And I've threatened to leave him a handful of times, and hes' actually told me "fine then leave" before. But I can't. I don't know maybe I am just an idiot. I'm sitting here typing this ans suddenly I feel so pathetic. But I know that le loves me, and he would never lay a hand on me...and i also know that his temper is just this awful inherited disease from his ass hole father. And he hates his father and he knows that is why he acts the way he does, but he doesn't know,a nd I don't know how to help him, to overcome it. Of course counseling is completely out of the question, if you couldn't have guessed that one already-he refuses to go. And what makes it all even worse is that he tells me that before he met me he never had a temper. What is that? How is that possible? What I think personally is that all of the years of emotional abuse from his father (that he held inside for WAY too long) has finally left its mark on him and is starting to turn him into exactly what he hates so much. It kills me to even say that, because in all other regards he's really an awesome person. And when it's good, it's great. I just wish that I could fix everything for the both of us. I wish I could make everything perfect. But I can't. I know that. I just don't want to have to face what I fear is going to happen...and that is that I am going to have to leave him, or end up being extremely depressed and being one of those lost women who don't know which way is up anymore because of their husbands. And we're not even married yet...but I just love him so much. The thought of not being with him makes me feel like I'm going to die inside.

Oh God this has gotten so bad....

August 18, 2004

Okay. You do have a problem. You ARE too sensitive. You need to learn some healthy detachment. Crying for months over distant uncontrollable events and expecting to be comforted through it is bad. It is unhealthy attachment, and it's an unfair burden on him.

Second, you need to give him space. That's part of a relationship. You cannot have him around you 100% of the time, and believe that it is healthy to do so. It is too much of a burden to put on another to expect them to be the center of your world, to be the end-all-be-all for you for the rest of their life. That is a daunting, frightening thing to any normal, rational person. Your fear of losing him is making you cling to him desperately, thus smothering him. That is not healthy for either one of you.

Telling him that you are going to leave is abusive. That is actually one of the trademark things that abusive people do, so please, please, stop doing it unless you are really leaving. What you are doing with that is trying to control his behavior, though you are NOT doing it on purpose, and you don't mean to do so! I am not telling you that you are an abuser or a bad person, I am saying that THIS behavior is abusive, so that, for the health of your relationship, you will stop doing it.

You need to CHOOSE to trust him. Let him go out with his friends, and work hard on making yourself a happier person. People LOVE happy people! They want to be around happy people! So look for things to be grateful for, look for ways to be happy, and please, please, for your own sake and his, STOP looking to him for it! Happiness is within YOU, not within HIM.

*Hugs* Dear one, you must stop obsessing about him, you must stop asking SO very much from him, he is only human! Look within your own heart and find some healthy detachment and happiness.

I would suggest that you do some reasearch on codependency. Your behaviors and the expectations you are putting on him really sound like codependency to me. The threatening to leave is along the same lines. You need to do some work on yourself, learn how to be sensitive in a HEALTHY manner. He has some fair points, you are overdoing the sensitivitiy, but you are NOT doing it on purpose, and you are NOT a bad person!!

Do some research, look into it, see if it fits. Learn to love yourself, to meet your own emotional needs, and learn to trust him to live his own life with you as the major part of it, but not the only part of it. So that you can both be happy, both be comfortable and free, free to love yourselves and one another.

August 18, 2004

Yikes! That whole fighting routine that you and your boyfriend have sounds scary. I think you BOTH have to work on some stuff...but I think that PassingBy made it sound like because you're around him all the time that gives your bf the right to have a temper when it comes to you. I disagree with that.

However, I DO agree that you guys probably need to have more time to yourselves separately. My boyfriend and I see each other almost every day but we have times where it's just too much too....where you need to get away from each other for a little break from the same old same old....so we'll stay at our own homes on nights like that. Otherwise your bf can feel suffocated...that was a problem in our relationship a while ago but we fixed it. I even go away to visit friends some weekends....it's nice to get a chance to miss each other. As long as you can trust him.

But ya you 2 need to BOTH be totally committed to fixing this part of your relationship, that could really be just caused from seeing each other too much. And it sounds like your bf is willing to compromise so....work on it....look up on the Internet what other people have done in similar situations and hopefully what you fear will happen won't happen at all. I hope for your sake that your bf can get over his problem with his temper...and I disagree that he only has had a temper since being with you....he's probably just saying that at a heated moment to make you feel bad.

You guys could also go out more and do fun things....my bf and I like to go out for dinner....to the movies....visiting friends....playing mini-golf....rollerblading...swimming....we play video games together....and watch TV sometimes.

August 18, 2004

ok first of all, you have not been explained to what kind of freinds he had before he was with me. The kind of freinds that he goes and stands in the middle of the woods with and they all stand around and drink till their incoherant, possibly procure some deliciously home trailor-made crystal meth to enjoy, and then ride around in thier 4x4's and either try to fight with someone or find someone to have sex with. so in that case no, he doesn't get to go hang out with his freinds more because his freinds are all disgusting rednecks with no jobs, no relationships, no life goals and missing teeth. would you let your husband/boyfreind do any of those things?! and it isn't my fault that we spend so much time together-we live at his parents house! What else are we supposed to do? We have no more mutual freinds (meaning the people who we were freinds with when we met each other) who aren't habitually falling into a circle of drugs sex and arrest, just to do it all over again. when we met each other, neither one of us were doing too great, and when we got together we both realized that a lifestyle like that was not something that mature responsible people were involved in, so we quit. Then he got tired of behaving like a human and decided he needed to act like trash with no ambition again and I said no. not because i'm trying to control him but because you cannot maintain a successful relationship behaving that way. I really really don't think that I'm too emotional for no reason. I am emotional- but I have plenty reason! And I'm not just in denial. You just don't understand that on his own he's a maniac who thinks he's invincible.

August 18, 2004

but i do agree that we need more personal time. it's just seriously impossible living at his parents house. we have a room no bigger than 12x12 that is our living room and bedroom. we can't be in other rooms in the house because his parents are psycho pod people, and we can't go anywhere because we wither have no where to go or he shoots down every suggestion i throw out. the only thing that he is interested in doing is going somewhere and getting drunk cus lord knows thats a good time. and p.s. i don't drink, and neither did he when we first met.

and i wasn't just threatening to leave him before. i was going to. but he wouldn't let me and i wasn't strong enough, too.

August 18, 2004

i do however agree that I am developing codependency problems. but i think it is only because of all the uncertainty and shakiness in our reltionship. i am an extremely independent person who has never needed anyone EVER until i met him. i don't know why i'm so obsessively in love with him, after all this talking about him i'm really starting to wonder. i mean we both fell HARD for one another very quickly. when we first got together we were both so fed up with where our lives were going that we knew we needed a change, and through the support of one another, we made that a reality. we both work full time and are working towards developing into successful people, but lately he just hasn't wanted that anymore. and when i say that he didn't drink when i met him, i mean he drank probably 2 beers at any given time (which happened like 4 times maybe-tops) over a course of the first few months that I knew him. and he knew that i didn't drink at all!! It was only after we had been dating for a while that all the stories started to surface about what a hard core drunken partier he used to be, but he knew how much i hated even hearing about those things because that is definetely NOT something i was interested in having be a part of my life. and for months it wasn't an issue at all, until his POS freinds started calling him up ragging on him cus he didn't wanna party like they used to--apparently like they were all doing a few months prior to his meeting me-- and then all the guilt tripping and fighting started. like i said, the more i think about it, the more i'm really starting to question our relationship in its entirety. maybe love isn't enough.

August 18, 2004

Your problem is more serious than I originally thought.

Look, you are a great person!! You have a drive, you have a goal, you have an idea of how your life should be lived. Your boyfriend isn't on the same page. I know that you love him and it kills you to think about life without him. But for goodness sakes girl!!!! Your living in his parents house and you have a full time job!!!!! GET OUT!!!

The type of people he hangs out with, the way his parents are.......you need to get your behind out and start thinking about the rest of your life. This is not salvagable at all!!!!!

Once you're gone and he realizes what he's missing, maybe he'll change his tune. Even so, have a back up plan to survive on your own. Don't count on him doing a 180.

You're the type who wears her heart on her sleeve, you need to control that a little better sweetie. You are too smart and valuable to drag yourself to their level. It'll be very hard for you, I wish I were there, I would pull you out, let you stay at our house until you were on your feet, and my wife could councel you while you were here.

You can survive on your own. You don't need ANYONE, ANYONE!!!!! Be tough, there is a better life out there for you.....

August 18, 2004

that's what makes it all so awful. is i already know all of that. i just can't accept it. i know i don't need him...but i want him. i know i could find someone far better than him for me...but i just don't want anyone else. there really must be something wrong with me.

August 18, 2004

I don't think there is anything wrong with you. I've felt that way towards a certain girlfriend at one time. Breaking up with her was the most terrible time in my life!!!!! I thought that I couldn't live without her. It took a friend to show me what she and her parents really were. They were heartless, insensitive, cold and very selfish. They were all self centered and didn't care who knew it or how anyone else felt.

I'm telling you from experience, it'll hurt like hell at first. BUT!!!! I very big BUT!!!!, you will thank yourself for it one day. I've found the love of my life now, my TRUE love.

Your's is out there for you too!! I felt like I was going to die because I knew she didn't care about me the way I cared about her. I centered my life around her, then she just stomped all over my heart. It took me a few months to get over not seeing her, or talking to her, or no contact at all.....but I did get over her, now I couldn't be happier!!!!

Trust me, there isn't anything wrong with you, I know exactley where you are coming from.

You're going to have to hurt a lot more before you can heal. So you might as well get it over with hon.

We're here for ya.

Moose

August 19, 2004

After talking about this issue for the last few days, I was really starting to get down about my relationship in its entirety, and after finally coming to the realization that if it couldn't be changed/helped, then I was going to have to leave...I knew there was only one thing left for me to do. I was very quiet the whole way home and thought about the way I was feeling completely before I tried to talk with my boyfriend, and then I decided it had to be done. Last night was the worst night and best night of my life. I was finally able to be 100% honest with him, regardless of what that would cause. And when two people are that honest with each other, it can be absolutely terrifying. I was terrified of what the outcome was going to be, but I knew that to be far on both our behalves, it just couldn't go on like it was. We were both causing each other way more harm than good in the direction that we were going. But what it did cause was a complete emotional breakdown for my boyfriend. I was finally able to see past my own grief over the situation and see what I had been missing a along. My boyfriend is going through a very rough emotional time right now and that is OBVIOUS to me now, why he couldn't be emotionally supportive to me--because he can't even be that for himself. I am realizing that maybe I need to be the strong one, I need to be the comforter and supporter... I saw him crying, pouring his heart out, and suddenly I realized that I ddin't have anything else to cry about, because all I wanted the whole time was for him to let me in. And now I think we really have something to work with. We both love each other and want it to work, and are now willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen. And it finally makes sense that my boyfriend didn't have a "temper" before he met me, it was because he didn't express his emotions at all. Being with me has allowed him for the first time to express emotions about his parents (specifically his extremely emotionally abusive father) and his childhood that he has obviously been holding in for his whole life. Along with his feelings about who/and what he was raised around, and how he identified himself in such a negative way, that he didn' t think he could be anything more than he was in the past (hence the clinging to and insisting upon doing things with those people, etc.). Which for me was more difficult than anything, because I see him as having more potential than anyone I've ever known. I have never thought that he fit into the (for the lack of a better term) low life world that he was raised to be in. And I told him all of that, told him how he looked from my POV. Last night was so difficult for him....but I am so grateful that he was finally able to be honest with me. So now we are left to work with those emotions which we have unleashed. And everything that has been happening to us, all the fighting we have been doing, it all finally makes sense. Because he doesn't have any experience with those emotions, and he has never had a single good example of how to either...it is extremely difficult for him now to process those emotions effectively and often...again because that is the only example he has ever had...those emotions are far to easily converted to anger and sadness. I feel like a tremendous weight has been lifted from my soul. I can finally breathe easy, with the confidence to proceed from here on out. We have both vowed to be more honest from now on. I know it is going to be hard...but I need to be strong for him now. I need to be strong for the man that I love, who is really just a scared little boy. Thank you all for listening to me the last few days. You have helped me to finally be honest with myself, and given me a facility in which to work through what I was really feeling, and for that I am so grateful. But now I think I need to change my thread and see if I can find advice on how to help and be strong for him.

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