my situation

[Darren Steez]

Just be honest, about everything

[vixee]

Just be honest, about everything

 

There are million ways of being honest! My thought process is not working!!

[Darren Steez]

There are million ways of being honest! My thought process is not working!!

 

?

 

No there's is only one way of being honest. You tell the truth. One version of events. The way you feel. The truth.

[vixee]

Just got a text from H, saying that

 

H: lets talk when we get home. If I don't finish work I will be stuck here until night.

Me: Ok, carry on.

 

Duh!!

 

Nothing new, when he wants we meet, when I want, this happens, mostly! I will see when can I tell him. He also got some headache and sore throat going on at the moment.

Edited January 3, 2013 by vixee

[BetrayedH]

Just got a text from H, saying that

 

H: lets talk when we get home. If I don't finish work I will be stuck here until night.

Me: Ok, carry on.

 

Duh!!

 

Nothing new, when he wants we meet, when I want, this happens, mostly! I will see when can I tell him. He also got some headache and sore throat going on at the moment.

 

Good for you for deciding to do the right thing for your M, your H, and even yourself.

 

It's probably a good thing you have a little time to process what you will say.

 

My version of what to say is as has already been mentioned...the truth. Seems simple enough but I will stress two things:

 

(1). Do NOT under any circumstance leave out incriminating details to "spare him pain" or for any other reason. An affair is difficult to forgive, to be sure, but what is nearly impossible is forgiving someone that is actively lying to your face. Your H is going to question everything. He will feel like he has been living a lie. Any blind trust that he had for you before is lost. Rebuilding that trust is your main objective for the foreseeable future and that begins by hiding NOTHING. If you leave out a kiss, that you held hands, or any other such thing snd he discovers it to be a lie, he may never be able to believe you. You have one serious shot to rip the bandaid off entirely. SO MANY waywards screw this up out of fear of losing their spouse or to protect their reputation or to "protect" their betrayed spouse from further hurt. Please trust me that lying about ANYTHING will compromise your reconciliation even more than you revealing the emotional affair.

 

(2). Your H is going to need to hear that you are taking proactive steps to help heal the marriage, to rebuild trust, and to help ensure that this never happens again. Basics are:

 

> Assure him that you have ended the affair and will go no contact with the OM for life. Also assure him that you are exposing this to the OM's W.

 

> Be prepared for "transparency." Your life is an open book. Provide him with passwords and free reign to check email, facebook, text messages, phone and financial records, GPS your car, etc.. This is all normal as part of the process of rebuilding trust. Don't make any claims on privacy. Everytime he investigates and finds nothing, you both win. Offer to take steps to proactively assure him when he is anxious. Text him frequently when you are away. Take photos to prove your whereabouts.

 

> Don't get defensive EVER. Ackowledge your screw up and assure him that you will do whatever it takes to fix this marriage. Don't blame your affair on marital problems. Certainly, the M will need work and trust that you will both do it but for now you must deal with the nuclear bomb that you've dropped on the M. You made some conscious choices. Own them and do your utmost not to blameshift them onto your H.

 

> Tell him you are going to schedule individual counseling for yourself to determine why you chose to cope with your problems in this way rather than in a less destructive way. Tell him you would like to go to marriage counseling with him when you've made some individual progress. His biggest question is going to be "why?" You need IC to help dig deep beyond the surface answers. If you truly understand your why, you'll more likely be able to avoid this coping mechanism in the future and he'll have more faith that you've dealt with those issues, too (which again, rebuilds trust).

 

> Get a few books right away. One is "How to Help My Spouse Heal from My Affair" and the other is "Not Just Friends." The first is a quick and simple read to help you get the right mindset for this. The second is basically THE infidelity bible and will completely change your perspective on your affair.

 

> Above all, be patient with your H. He is going to experience a rollercoaster of emotions for the foreseeable future and he is going to need your help to heal. Be prepared to do the heavy lifting. Apologize sincerely and often. Offer to disuss the affair and answer whatever questions he may have.

 

There is more you can do but I will stop here in the event that this conversation is coming up soon.

 

You can do this. You are in a far better position than most by far. Find courage and keep coming here for support.

[vixee]

Here is how it went..

We know a lady who had an affair with a single man and wanted to leave her H and marry him but when she told her H (because he got suspicious), he threatened to leave her in tears and that he will make sure that she don't get anything etc and the financial condition of this OM was not very good, I don't know the whole story but in the end she blocked the OM and they (lady + her H)decided to make things work for the sake of kid that they have and two years down the line they are still trying to make things work but her H is big time hurt, still.

 

Coming back to me, last night as H came to sleep I asked him if he thought this other lady did the right thing by telling her H, to which he said, "If she really wanted to marry OM, she should have left H and married this OM, but instead she told H which means she did not wanted to leave him and was only confessing, or if she was thinking of ending the affair with OM then she should have kept quite". So, I asked him ," you mean, if I ever had an affair but I have ended it or I am thinking about ending it, I don't have to tell u?" He said, "yes I don't want to know because in the end you are with me, we don't want dents in our relationship, these things never heal and always leave a scar." Then I said, "wouldn't it be worse if you came to know about it from someone else?" He said, "its rare but we can deal with it then."

 

I feel may be H has an idea, that there was something which is now over!! and he don't want confirmation to his doubts. Or, may be not!!

 

But that's all that happened.

 

As for OM, he has been quite. Nothing from him after that last text which said 'lets do that'.

 

I am going to be involved in a very big project at work starting next week which means lot of work, lot of travel, I really need to get over OM, truly & completely, *for myself*. I need constant 'whupping' from everyone who cared here, until I am really over him. Cause I do think about him quite a lot (honestly). But I know for sure that I don't want to get swayed again.

 

 

Thanks.

Edited January 4, 2013 by vixee

[BetrayedH]

Looks like Christmas came very early for you this year. Assuming this is all true, I would think long and hard about what a gracious response your H gave you and what it says about the man you already have at home. You've got a real, live man committed to you for life there who sounds like he has a much bigger heart than he's been given credit for. Going to throw that away for a fantasy life with a cheater?

 

I'm normally an advocate for complete NC with your OM. Considering that my last suggestion to threaten the OM with exposure to his W didn't do the trick, I'm hesitant to make another similar suggestion but I'm going to do it anyway. If the OM pursues you again, I suggest you tell him that it won't be just you confronting his wife but both you and your husband. And suggest that your H may want to speak with him as well. Or he can leave you the hell alone. His choice.

 

Then get to work nurturing your marriage.

[vixee]

Looks like Christmas came very early for you this year. Assuming this is all true, I would think long and hard about what a gracious response your H gave you and what it says about the man you already have at home. You've got a real, live man committed to you for life there who sounds like he has a much bigger heart than he's been given credit for. Going to throw that away for a fantasy life with a cheater?

 

I'm normally an advocate for complete NC with your OM. Considering that my last suggestion to threaten the OM with exposure to his W didn't do the trick, I'm hesitant to make another similar suggestion but I'm going to do it anyway. If the OM pursues you again, I suggest you tell him that it won't be just you confronting his wife but both you and your husband. And suggest that your H may want to speak with him as well. Or he can leave you the hell alone. His choice.

 

Then get to work nurturing your marriage.

 

 

I did not expect this response from him!! I thought he will garb me by the neck and will ask for details! I guess so many years of loyalty paid off.

Edited January 4, 2013 by vixee

[BetrayedH]

I did not expect this response from him!! I thought he will garb me by the neck and will ask for details! I guess so many years of loyalty paid off.

 

Every time you find your mind wandering to the OM, imagine the look on your H's face when he finds out you've betrayed him.

 

If you're going to cheat, have the decency to leave your husband first.

[nofool4u]

My husband loves me and will never doubt my love for him.

 

He won't doubt it because he doesn't know the truth. He SHOULD very much doubt your "love" for him.

 

 

I love my family and they are my number one priority.

 

If that were the case you wouldn't even have thoughts of cheating or feelings that you are in love with another man.

 

If your family is your #1 priority, then prove it. Cut off ALL contact with this other guy and tell him you don't want to ever speak or see him again.

 

If you can't do that, then your family is NOT your #1 priority. Simple as that, and end of story.

[2.50 a gallon]

vixee

 

The reason that you keep thinking of the OM is because your body is flooding your brain with love chemicals.

 

It is like a drug addiction and you are in withdrawal. With time this will go away, but also you must realize that every time you interact with the OM you go back to square one

[vixee]

I got a call from unknown number and it was OM and his first line was...look if I had done the same with you (snap all of a sudden) you would have felt terrible too, so at least tell me whats going on in your mind. Then I told him everything and also that I don't feel love thing anymore. He was trying to talk me out of everything and we had quite a lot of heated debates..but then I said I have too much going on plus new project (he knows about it) ..I want to focus on more important things and don't want anything to do with him. He said you are hurting me a lot but if I look at it from your point of view you are right so I will leave you at this, you must focus on new work that's coming your way and not be distracted. I will not contact you, but if you need anything at all you know I am there (lately I have been discussing work related matters with him as we are in same field and he is more experienced and senior ). Towards the end, he said it's over because you want it to be over...I said ..whatever!! and hung up!!

 

He called me again and said at least you can say goodbye nicely ..no? I said bye bye, please don't call now!! He said..I won't, bye !! And that's all. With my behavior and tone I have frustrated him big time, and his ego was hurt, I could sense that. But now he knows whats going on and he has promised he won't contact me now !!

[vixee]

vixee

 

The reason that you keep thinking of the OM is because your body is flooding your brain with love chemicals.

 

It is like a drug addiction and you are in withdrawal. With time this will go away, but also you must realize that every time you interact with the OM you go back to square one

 

Thanks. Can you tell how many days it usually takes to wear off (the love chemical)?

[Decorative]

Thanks. Can you tell how many days it usually takes to wear off (the love chemical)?

 

It can take months. Even six months.

 

TED is an educational site- look up Helen Fisher's presentation on love. You can learn a lot.

[vixee]

It can take months. Even six months.

 

TED is an educational site- look up Helen Fisher's presentation on love. You can learn a lot.

 

Thanks!! I will check these resources!

[turnera]

What's your plan for when you get the urge to call him?

[BetrayedH]

What's your plan for when you get the urge to call him?

 

Give it some time and he'll be fishing again.

[vixee]

What's your plan for when you get the urge to call him?

 

I don't get urge to call him..but I do get very strong urges to text him! And I have been writing all that in a notepad app, instead of texting him and last night when I read what I wrote to him 6 days ago, I felt so disgusted, it sounded foolish, I was glad that I did not send that message!!! So far dealing with it like this..I hope I remain strong enough!!

[vixee]

Give it some time and he'll be fishing again.

 

I will give him good bashing up again!! Even a better one..I feel better after confronting him today...ignoring/blocking was not working for me...I was always left wondering what he had to say!! Fighting is much better..and I am not going to go weak now (I will stick to this thread). Having said that, I am not going to meet him!! I will not respond to his text (they are my weak point, I am always tempted to reply) . If he ever called he will get a good ego run down!!

[William]

While stopping by to clean up some spam, I'll remind members to remain topical and civil and I'll notify the thread starter that it'll be 25 more days and 44 more posts to free private message privileges. If you want them now, it'll cost you 2.50USD (no offense to 2.50 a Gallon ) to subscribe and get them immediately. Carry on.

[BetrayedH]

I will give him good bashing up again!! Even a better one..I feel better after confronting him today...ignoring/blocking was not working for me...I was always left wondering what he had to say!! Fighting is much better..and I am not going to go weak now (I will stick to this thread). Having said that, I am not going to meet him!! I will not respond to his text (they are my weak point, I am always tempted to reply) . If he ever called he will get a good ego run down!!

 

Great post.

[2.50 a gallon]

The withdrawl varies from person to person. I have heard as early as a month or two, to six months.

 

However you should begin to see results within a week or two.

 

Good Luck

[vixee]

Look. The guy's looking to get laid. Since you've made it pretty obvious you're "orthodox" (what a joke - you mean you're willing to push things so far but stop just short of intercourse) he's no longer pushing that hard to see you.

 

Because he knows he won't get laid.

 

It's not freakin' rocket science.

 

I get that.

[vixee]

I got a text: silly girl i miss u so much, why & what r u doing with us!

I haven't replied.

 

But I am not able to take my mind off him. I feel like I will just hold his hand one more time and won't tell anyone about it and then forget that I ever did that!!!! Self control can be so impossible sometimes!!!!! I am infatuated, big time!

[Steen719]

I got a text: silly girl i miss u so much, why & what r u doing with us!

I haven't replied.

 

But I am not able to take my mind off him. I feel like I will just hold his hand one more time and won't tell anyone about it and then forget that I ever did that!!!!

I'm sorry, but this sounds so immature. How old are you? Honestly, i am not trying to be mean, but can't you see how this sounds?

 

Self control can be so impossible sometimes!!!!! I am infatuated, big time!

 

You know what would cure that infatuation in a heartbeat? Tell your H and his W. Guaranteed cure!

 

You know what else will kill this? Go ahead and have your fling. He will have you, the hunt will be over and he will move on. Dead, the affair will be dead along with your marriage and family.