Author vixee Posted December 30, 2012 Author Posted December 30, 2012 Tell your H you don't want to mix with that guy any more because he gives you the creeps! See? He can't talk to you - so he's coming in by 'the back door'..... I just did that ..told H I don't feel comfortable around this guy, it's good that he is not going to be there. He said..nothing!!
TaraMaiden Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 Well he wouldn't say... anything! he doesn't know that a day ago you were desperately in love with him, and *that far* away from opening your legs for the guy!! If you WERE to 'fess up, you can bet your bottom dollar he'd say.... something! all right! 3
Author vixee Posted December 30, 2012 Author Posted December 30, 2012 Question...didn't you judge his marriage and yours as unworthy of fidelity? Didn't you judge each of your spouses as not deserving of a faithful honest spouse? Yes, we all judge on most things in our lives...not just those who disagree with your actions. I am not able to think that way, if for instance his love for me is real then he won't be able to love his wife or be faithful to her and I have been feeling distant from H lately. It's better to let both spouses know about this. This what I wanted to do just 2-3 days back. Now I have admitted I am confused and I need to get out for myself, not for H-me or anyone else. And once I can think clearly I will do all the fixing that I must do.
Furious Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 Question...didn't you judge his marriage and yours as unworthy of fidelity? Didn't you judge each of your spouses as not deserving of a faithful honest spouse? Yes, we all judge on most things in our lives...not just those who disagree with your actions. We did not meet as family after we started having an affair! It was before that. In the thread I did not show many emotions. I want to help myself before I start thinking about others. They can wait for my confession a little bit! The affair took root while you socialized with your families, and you continue to socialize as couples even after the affair began. A few posts back, you say MM contacted your husband, called him mate, wanting to hang out together for tomorrow night. You even said before, that your MM has become your husbands "friend". Please don't try to minimize your actions, and pretend that it's not as bad as it looks.
alexandria35 Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 I just did that ..told H I don't feel comfortable around this guy, it's good that he is not going to be there. He said..nothing!! What did you expect him to say? He doesn't know what's going on. 1
CantgetoveritNY Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 Vixee (see, CantgetoveritNY?...I was right in my original statement, about the condition of her marriage.... a person's head is impossible to turn if it's fixed on a future with an already present SO....) You are wrong about any marriage being safe from infidelity. Even good healthy marriages with moral partners are susceptible to intrusion by predatory OM/OW's. Or even by chance that the marriage partner gets to close to a "friend" of the opposite sex. But more to the point at hand, your suggestion that her marriage is the root of the problem is bad for a whole lot of reasons. First, it will cause her to blame shift. She will think her affair is the justifiable result of her unhappy in the marriage. She will strain to find every flaw in her H so she feels justified in doing what she wants to do. She will distance herself from him and he will react hurt and she will hold that as further evidence that his reaction and their bad marriage justifies her betrayal. Also she will blame shift. Poor thing, she was abused by her H so it is his fault she sought comfort in the arms of the OM. If only he had been better she would never have done this. He should be sorry, not her. It was his fault she did this. Also she will have false hope that all she has to do is have a good marriage and then no other man will ever tempt her again. Not true. She has to be constantly aware of threats to her marriage even when she and her H are fully engaged in the relationship and deeply in love. They will both still be in danger. The only marriage that is truly safe from the betrayal of infidelity is an open marriage. All others must be vigilant.
TaraMaiden Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 You are wrong about any marriage being safe from infidelity. Even good healthy marriages with moral partners are susceptible to intrusion by predatory OM/OW's. Or even by chance that the marriage partner gets to close to a "friend" of the opposite sex. Susceptible to intrusion? if both partners are in love with one another, nothing can come between them! You think women haven't tried it with my H? You think guys haven't tried it with me?? Honey, there was no intrusion - we wouldn't allow it! It's only if there is any uncertainty or doubt in the mind of one partner, that this can happen.... And both of us have close friends of the opposite sex, too... I have at least three, and he has ,maybe seven, form his Uni days.... Trust me - merest hint of "You know, I've always had a thing for you...." And that 'close friend don't get a look-in no more! But more to the point at hand, your suggestion that her marriage is the root of the problem is bad for a whole lot of reasons. I never suggested it was. What I said was there must be something already wrong in the marriage for her to have her head turned. It's different. She didn't go looking because her marriage had problems. Her marriage already had problems - and then Romeo came knocking..... QUOTE]First, it will cause her to blame shift. She will think her affair is the justifiable result of her unhappy in the marriage. She will strain to find every flaw in her H so she feels justified in doing what she wants to do. She will distance herself from him and he will react hurt and she will hold that as further evidence that his reaction and their bad marriage justifies her betrayal. don't think she's done this... she stated that this might be a reason her head was turned, but she never cited that as a primary cause.... Also she will blame shift. Poor thing, she was abused by her H so it is his fault she sought comfort in the arms of the OM. If only he had been better she would never have done this. He should be sorry, not her. It was his fault she did this. Nope... she hasn't done this either..... Also she will have false hope that all she has to do is have a good marriage and then no other man will ever tempt her again. Not true. She has to be constantly aware of threats to her marriage even when she and her H are fully engaged in the relationship and deeply in love. They will both still be in danger. The only marriage that is truly safe from the betrayal of infidelity is an open marriage. All others must be vigilant. Boy, you got hurt bad.... didn't you? I'm sorry for your experience.... 2
CantgetoveritNY Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 Susceptible to intrusion? if both partners are in love with one another, nothing can come between them! You think women haven't tried it with my H? You think guys haven't tried it with me?? Honey, there was no intrusion - we wouldn't allow it!. You are so smug and so confidant. I hope you don't find out the truth the hard way. 1
Author vixee Posted December 30, 2012 Author Posted December 30, 2012 I have normal tolerable issues in my marriage (that may need fixing) but this is not the reason I fell for OM.. I have had issues of some kind or the other for so many years, we deal with them and we sort them out and move on, love was always there. I am a working women, I come across single or MM who want to have relationship with me but I never fell for anyone. But I did for this OM. Not blaming my H for anything here at all, never thought that way even in my dreams!!
CantgetoveritNY Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 I have normal tolerable issues in my marriage (that may need fixing) but this is not the reason I fell for OM.. I have had issues of some kind or the other for so many years, we deal with them and we sort them out and move on, love was always there. I am a working women, I come across single or MM who want to have relationship with me but I never fell for anyone. But I did for this OM. Not blaming my H for anything here at all, never thought that way even in my dreams!! Every marriage has issues. Only in a Disney movie do you find people like TaraMaiden claims to be. The expectation that you can have a perfect marriage with no issues is something that leads people to want to cheat. They think that the AP will give them that. It is a mirage.
Author vixee Posted December 30, 2012 Author Posted December 30, 2012 Every marriage has issues. Only in a Disney movie do you find people like TaraMaiden claims to be. The expectation that you can have a perfect marriage with no issues is something that leads people to want to cheat. They think that the AP will give them that. It is a mirage. You are repeating what I said. I did not fall for OM because I have bad marriage. My married life is quite normal .
TaraMaiden Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 You are so smug and so confidant. I hope you don't find out the truth the hard way. After 3 marriages, I think I know what I'm doing. And BTW - none of those marriages failed because of a 3rd person. But my marriages certainly helped me when I worked in counselling . 3
dreamingoftigers Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 ..since his last text.. I know I have to move away and I have ..he don't know yet!! It's hurting me already big time, what will happen when he will know? This is a lot of heartache..I am not being a baby/teenager just ranting!! I have never felt this way before!! As crazy as it sounds H is the only one I have ever been with, he is my first love and the chemistry was strong but different between us!! I am not able to think about anything else at the moment, just OM and his passionate love that I am about to throw out the window! It really hurts.. Just work your way through the grief. From what I have read/heard, it takes a few days to crest and then falls away softly for a few weeks after. Then you self-esteem picks up because you've chosen a direction and are no longer dividing your life or heart although memories of OM may haunt you for awhile. 1
TaraMaiden Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 Sorry for the tj but I have to ask you...What if the marriage is basically good and the spouses love each other but one of them has a problem with setting proper boundaries or one craves external validation and ego stroking? Do you still say that the affair happened because of something missing in the marriage or that there must be problems in the marriage? This isn't really the place to go into it, as it will take the subject O/T.... If it's okay with you, I'll PM you.
Author vixee Posted December 31, 2012 Author Posted December 31, 2012 Just work your way through the grief. From what I have read/heard, it takes a few days to crest and then falls away softly for a few weeks after. Then you self-esteem picks up because you've chosen a direction and are no longer dividing your life or heart although memories of OM may haunt you for awhile. I did not wanted to repeat this, but it does really hurts (can't help the 'feeling'). I was thinking about him all night(what we had). Having said that, I am not going to change my mind now!
Author vixee Posted January 1, 2013 Author Posted January 1, 2013 I am not sure if this accounts for update! Got couple of text from OM , first one just had my name, second wishing new year. Ignored both of them. I guess he won't do anything now and the chapter is closed. (I will let you know if anything though.) Thanks everyone!
CantgetoveritNY Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 I am not sure if this accounts for update! Got couple of text from OM , first one just had my name, second wishing new year. Ignored both of them. I guess he won't do anything now and the chapter is closed. (I will let you know if anything though.) Thanks everyone! If you think that is the end of it from him your are wrong. He will come at you and come at you and come at you till you won't believe it. What is the down side for him to keep coming at you? None. (unless you tell his wife and you SHOULD!) He will keep knocking at your door till you get weak in the knees and your legs part and he slips it in. I hope that does not happen to you but do NOT count on him going away quietly. There is no down side for him to keep knocking at your door. And I'm pretty sure he knows from past experience that one in 10 women will eventually part their legs for him. Don't be that one in 10. You will hate yourself later if you do.
Author vixee Posted January 2, 2013 Author Posted January 2, 2013 (edited) If you think that is the end of it from him your are wrong. He will come at you and come at you and come at you till you won't believe it. What is the down side for him to keep coming at you? None. (unless you tell his wife and you SHOULD!) He will keep knocking at your door till you get weak in the knees and your legs part and he slips it in. I hope that does not happen to you but do NOT count on him going away quietly. There is no down side for him to keep knocking at your door. And I'm pretty sure he knows from past experience that one in 10 women will eventually part their legs for him. Don't be that one in 10. You will hate yourself later if you do. I really want to tell his wife! But I am not sure if he plotted all this or was it for real! If by any chance he did all this on purpose and if there are any chances that he can do this again with someone else then its better that she knows. Also, I am not quite sure if it is wise to complicate things or move on quietly . Again, telling my H or his wife is something I will look at a lil later, that will be another matter of discussion I guess. For now I think it is a closure. I am not interested in this affair anymore, I have started to feel somewhat disgusted about everything that happened. Yes, now it does feels like that I am coming out of some kind of fog! And for all the practical reason, I am very busy with my work & family and he is a very busy person, I will be surprised if he can find time & energy to come after me (other than texting occasionally that I can ignore). Edited January 2, 2013 by vixee
BetrayedH Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 I really want to tell his wife! But I am not sure if he plotted all this or was it for real! If by any chance he did all this on purpose and if there are any chances that he can do this again with someone else then its better that she knows. Also, I am not quite sure if it is wise to complicate things or move on quietly . Again, telling my H or his wife is something I will look at a lil later, that will be another matter of discussion I guess. For now I think it is a closure. I am not interested in this affair anymore, I have started to feel somewhat disgusted about everything that happened. Yes, now it does feels like that I am coming out of some kind of fog! And for all the practical reason, I am very busy with my work & family and he is a very busy person, I will be surprised if he can find time & energy to come after me (other than texting occasionally that I can ignore). The OM's wife deserves to be able to make an informed decision about how to move forward with her life. So does your husband. What right do you have to deprive them of such a decision? Is your judgment better than theirs? Yet you're going to pretend you're coming out of some mysterious fog? No fog made you do this. You made plenty of conscious decisions. And you're still making them.
Darren Steez Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 I really want to tell his wife! But I am not sure if he plotted all this or was it for real! If by any chance he did all this on purpose and if there are any chances that he can do this again with someone else then its better that she knows. Also, I am not quite sure if it is wise to complicate things or move on quietly . Again, telling my H or his wife is something I will look at a lil later, that will be another matter of discussion I guess. For now I think it is a closure. I am not interested in this affair anymore, I have started to feel somewhat disgusted about everything that happened. Yes, now it does feels like that I am coming out of some kind of fog! And for all the practical reason, I am very busy with my work & family and he is a very busy person, I will be surprised if he can find time & energy to come after me (other than texting occasionally that I can ignore). Lol and your husband..isn't it better he knows who he's married to?
CantgetoveritNY Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 Lol and your husband..isn't it better he knows who he's married to? Who is he married to?! A woman who almost made a terrible mistake but found help to pull back from the brink? I think people are being to harsh to this OP. 1
Darren Steez Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 Who is he married to?! A woman who almost made a terrible mistake but found help to pull back from the brink? I think people are being to harsh to this OP. She wants to expose the OM to wife so the wife knows what can of man he is. only seems fair if she wants to take some sort of moral high ground by revealing things that she should also tell her husband the full extent of what nearly occurred. Fine she pulled back but she was also in love with another man. If I were her husband I want want to know that my wife was in love with someone else and nearly had sex with him. Just saying.. 4
Author vixee Posted January 2, 2013 Author Posted January 2, 2013 She wants to expose the OM to wife so the wife knows what can of man he is. only seems fair if she wants to take some sort of moral high ground by revealing things that she should also tell her husband the full extent of what nearly occurred. Fine she pulled back but she was also in love with another man. If I were her husband I want want to know that my wife was in love with someone else and nearly had sex with him. Just saying.. I will tell my H first and then his wife. If I ever did. Just saying..
Darren Steez Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 I will tell my H first and then his wife. If I ever did. Just saying.. tremendous:bunny:
Author vixee Posted January 2, 2013 Author Posted January 2, 2013 OM has texted me twice and sent one email asking me to meet him at least once for old times sake. I have not replied to any of them. He also called me an hour ago from private number. I just hung up. l feel that he is too restless and somehow its bothering me. I feel if I ever came face to face with him I won't be able to say anything and in fact I don't have anything to say other than what I have already texted him, I don't want him to talk me out. What should I do? What can I say to him so that he can stop bothering me? (Other than tell my H and his wife please)
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