my situation

[vixee]

Here is the situation..

 

15 years back where I used to work a senior (6 years older to me) had a crush on me.I was a teenager at that time and had a BF so he stepped back and never asked me out and I paid no special attention, in fact wasn't aware he had feelings whatsoever. I married my BF when I was 21 and moved job+country. Around 4 years after that he ended up joining my company! and was married for one year when he joined. Since I had no feelings for him and I did not like his wife much I never tried to be friends with him or his wife, I just thought its a coincidence.

 

Couple of times he asked me if we can go for a coffee or something to which my response was negative, I always gave him some excuses but never once thought he is interested in me. After a year my son was born and a year after that we moved job + country again and this time we got really settled. 4 years later this guy comes to the town and now he had a son too. He contacted me looking for guidance. I spoke to him a couple of times but that was it. Then I had my daughter. a year later we went on holiday and this guy with his family was vacationing at the same place, same dates. same hotel!! And this was again coincidence. We became good friends during this vacation. I forgot to mention he always used to compliment me, all the time but I thought he is same with everyone (nice guy types). After we came back we met 5-6 times with family and his compliments became more and more intense. One day he texted me that I am in his heart!!

 

I wasn't sure if I am thinking what he is thinking so I asked him to meet and I had the whole speech ready: don't text me all this, have me out of your mind and I am not interested in any affair etc etc but it did not go as planned. I just heard him express all the feelings he had for 15 years, he even remembered my dresses that I used to wear back then!! And he says he regrets every day that why he stepped back. But anyhow the feelings kept growing and a month back I heard myself telling him that I love him and want to spend rest of my life with him!! To which he says that he wants that too but what about our kids!! He also sometimes talks about getting together have kids together. Anyway...coming to the point, 2 weeks back he asked me for sex and since then brings it up every now and then.

 

I have told him I am orthodox, can't help being in love with him but don't want to sleep with him behind my husbands back and do not want to be OW and can't do it with him + with my H and have him do it with me + his wife!! And he is telling me ever since he has asked me for it he has not touched his wife!! I think that's a lie!!! My confusion is do these kind of affairs last? Is he really into this for sex? Ever since I have read threads on loveshack I have been brainwashed by them, cause he uses the same lines that are mentioned on threads that, I love my wife but I am not in love with her, its not the same with her, you & I are soulmates and we have great chemistry!! In fact I do felt the same way and I do believed him but two days back I read loads of threads here and since then I am not even sure if he really loves me, so I am not returning his texts.

 

The other thing that bothers me is, earlier he used to speak to me anytime but ever since I have told him that I love him too the rules have been set that during holidays and weekends no calls a little text. And he used to reply to my messages quickly but now he takes anywhere from 20 mins to hours or even a day to reply!! but whenever he does its the sweetest message on earth!! I think I am madly in love with him and too much emotionally involved but if its all too casual for me then I am in for a big time mess!!! I really hope someone will enlighten me on my situation (please don't write anything mean to me, if you cannot help then don't) ..Thanks in advance.

Edited December 30, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[TaraMaiden]

Something is very wrong in your own marriage if this guy can turn your head this easily.

You intended to rebuff him, but instead, things are going dangerously awry....

 

You need to go complete No Contact, and focus instead on what you owe your husband and family.

Why are you so willing, eager and intent on doing this?

 

Really, your ideas are skewed...

What has your H. done to deserve this?

[silicone]

I'm really sorry, but I have to do this.

 

 

15 years back where I used to work a senior (6 years older to me) had a crush on me.I was a teenager at that time and had a BF so he stepped back and never asked me out and I paid no special attention, in fact wasn't aware he had feelings whatsoever. I married my BF when I was 21 and moved job+country.

 

Around 4 years after that he ended up joining my company! and was married for one year when he joined. Since I had no feelings for him and I did not like his wife much I never tried to be friends with him or his wife, I just thought its a coincidence. Couple of times he asked me if we can go for a coffee or something to which my response was negative, I always gave him some excuses but never once thought he is interested in me.

 

After a year my son was born and a year after that we moved job + country again and this time we got really settled.

 

4 years later this guy comes to the town and now he had a son too. He contacted me looking for guidance. I spoke to him a couple of times but that was it. Then I had my daughter.

 

A year later we went on holiday and this guy with his family was vacationing at the same place, same dates. same hotel!! And this was again coincidence. We became good friends during this vacation. I forgot to mention he always used to compliment me, all the time but I thought he is same with everyone (nice guy types). After we came back we met 5-6 times with family and his compliments became more and more intense. One day he texted me that I am in his heart!!

 

I wasn't sure if I am thinking what he is thinking so I asked him to meet and I had the whole speech ready: don't text me all this, have me out of your mind and I am not interested in any affair etc etc but it did not go as planned. I just heard him express all the feelings he had for 15 years, he even remembered my dresses that I used to wear back then!! And he says he regrets every day that why he stepped back.

 

But anyhow the feelings kept growing and a month back I heard myself telling him that I love him and want to spend rest of my life with him!! To which he says and what about kids!! He has asked me for sex 2 weeks back and brings up every now and then and I am orthodox and do not want to be OW and can't do it with him and with my H and have him do it with me and his wife!!

 

My confusion is do these kind of affairs last? Is he really into this for sex?

 

Ever since I have read threads on loveshack I have been brainwashed, cause he uses the same lines, I love my wife but I am not in love with her, its not the same, we are soulmates, we have great chemistry!!! From last two days I am not even sure if he really loves me, so I am not returning his texts.

 

The other thing that bothers me is, earlier he would speak to me anytime but ever since I have told him that I love him too the rules have been set during holidays and weekends no calls a little text. And he used to reply to my messages quickly but now he takes anywhere from 20 mins to hours or even a day to reply!! but whenever he does its the sweetest message on earth!!

 

I think I am madly in love with him and too much emotionally involved but if its all too casual for me then I am in for a big time mess!!! I really hope someone will enlighten me on my situation (please don't write anything mean to me, if you cannot help then don't) ..Thanks in advance.

 

 

My advice. Don't.

[TaraMaiden]

Good call, silicone. It took some effort to negotiate that wall of text.

That's a huge help.

 

And i second your advice, BTW....

[alexandria35]

He has pulled back since you told him you love him and now asks you for sex. Isn't that all you need to know? He wants to have sex with you. He has no intention of leaving his wife for you. You didn't even like him but your ego couldn't resist his shallow flattery. Now you are willing to throw away your marriage on a man who clearly is only looking to cheat on his wife.

[ComingInHot]

Vixee;

By "mean" do you mean what you don't want to hear but Need to hear?

 

The support I can offer is look at How Many Years you spent Not attracted to him. Then you put yourself in the position to "hear" his sweet Nothings and you are all of a sudden attracted to him & "in love"?! Just step back and think about it. You Chose to fall in love and be "open" to his advances but this happened after your marriage left the newlywed phase and the excitement of new babies and mother/fatherhood faded into the monotany of "daily, hum-drum & grind" that is family life w/bills, responsibilities, no time for romance getting tired And BORED...

 

It is so easy to forget you are still a woman until another man reminds you and pays attention to you. It is so easy to forget the man you are married to his the same handsome man you dedicated your life to when he is caught up in providing for his family and the discussions are about family and financial responsibilities.

Where's the excitement?

Where's the romance?

Where did all the adventures you had planned go? Right?!?!!

 

Go to that little hope chest you've had locked up in your heart for so long and take a look at the dreams you made w/your husband. Pick one and go fulfill that dream WITH your husband! Talk to your husband! Tell him how You are feeling and what you need because ultimately you will NOT get what you Ned from this crepy MM who ( to me) has semi stalked you for years.

Good luck*

[vixee]

Something is very wrong in your own marriage if this guy can turn your head this easily.

You intended to rebuff him, but instead, things are going dangerously awry....

 

You need to go complete No Contact, and focus instead on what you owe your husband and family.

Why are you so willing, eager and intent on doing this?

 

Really, your ideas are skewed...

What has your H. done to deserve this?

 

My husband loves me and will never doubt my love for him. I love my family and they are my number one priority. But past two months this other person has become everything for me, he calls me his! I love him so much it hurts to even think that I will have to put him out of the picture. I am very strong and not the one easy to get to but something in me is so weak when it comes to him. Whenever we meet we talk about old times, common friends and our common interests. When I see his name flashing on my mobile my heart skips a beat! Agree that my ideas are skewed and I am big time confused, and I don't know what I want now!! But I do need clarity on the situation and above all his intentions!

[TaraMaiden]

Read the posts. I agree, I think he's after sex. he's been distantly obsessed with you for a while but now, he's getting the green flag, and pushing all your right buttons.

If your family really is that important to you - if they truly are your 'number one priority' - prove it.

Actions speak louder than words.

Block him off your phone, delete his number and eliminate all, each and every way he can possibly get in touch with you - or you with him.

This is important.

Consider the consequences, the disastrous results for you and your family if this situation deteriorates.

It will be a devastating tragedy, and the fall-out will be cataclysmic.

 

Please - get rid of him, and turn your focus on your husband. re-kindle the spark and work on your marriage.

if necessary, get individual counselling to get you back on track.

 

But this? This is a mistake of epic proportions.

 

Listen to us.

 

Please.

[alexandria35]

Your husband should doubt your love for him and he would if he knew how close you are to throwing away your marriage for a married man. Your family may have been your first priority at one time but if are telling another man that you want to spend your life with him then your family is not your first priority now. Why do want to know this man's intentions? I think it's because you want to know if he will be willing to break up his family for you becuase you are willing to break up your family for him. And your poor husband doesn't even know what's going on right under his nose and he doesn't know that he should be seriously doubting your love for him.

[vixee]

Vixee;

By "mean" do you mean what you don't want to hear but Need to hear?

 

The support I can offer is look at How Many Years you spent Not attracted to him. Then you put yourself in the position to "hear" his sweet Nothings and you are all of a sudden attracted to him & "in love"?! Just step back and think about it. You Chose to fall in love and be "open" to his advances but this happened after your marriage left the newlywed phase and the excitement of new babies and mother/fatherhood faded into the monotany of "daily, hum-drum & grind" that is family life w/bills, responsibilities, no time for romance getting tired And BORED...

 

It is so easy to forget you are still a woman until another man reminds you and pays attention to you. It is so easy to forget the man you are married to his the same handsome man you dedicated your life to when he is caught up in providing for his family and the discussions are about family and financial responsibilities.

Where's the excitement?

Where's the romance?

Where did all the adventures you had planned go? Right?!?!!

 

Go to that little hope chest you've had locked up in your heart for so long and take a look at the dreams you made w/your husband. Pick one and go fulfill that dream WITH your husband! Talk to your husband! Tell him how You are feeling and what you need because ultimately you will NOT get what you Ned from this crepy MM who ( to me) has semi stalked you for years.

Good luck*

 

You are right. My only problem is I have sabotaged my relationship with my husband in past two months (unintentionally). I am not letting H come near me and anything romantic coming from him irritates me. My feelings have been altered/manipulated. When I am with OM I can't keep my hands-off him, I always hold his hand and we keep kissing each other. I know H loves me cause he thinks since he was busy with work I have lost interest in him, so this time during Christmas he took 15 days off from work which is so unlike him, he never used to take a single day off. But I have been unappreciative and thinking all this from last two days ( like I said after reading all the stories here). For now I don't want to do any fixes with H cause I don't have feelings for him (honestly).

[TaraMaiden]

You have personally and deliberately sabotaged those feelings because you didn't want to devote your affection in two directions, and you wanted this other man more than your H.

 

You need counselling and - steady here - there may come a time when you will need relationships counselling - and you will have to give your H a reason for why you shut him out so comprehensively.

because you wanted to be faithful to the other man.

A man who has no rights to your affection.

 

You have some work to do missy....

 

Look at your H with clear eyes.

he's doing what he can to address the situation as he perceives it. That's perceptive of him. He's trying.

 

You owe him, big time.

[Steen719]

I'm not sure I understand this.

 

You say not interested and then meet up and he is immediately your love and life? What? Was your marriage failing anyway?

 

You are a woman with children and a husband, not a high schooler who has a senior interested in her. This is serious, vixee. You hold your family's future in your hands and you better think about that before you involve yourself in a temporary relationship with a man who is willing to break up another man's family so cavalierly.

 

Honestly, I feel like I am watching the very beginning of a car crash as it starts and there is no stopping it. All we can do is watch you crash and burn your marriage and family. And all for a stalking, family stealing, creep. UGH

[ComingInHot]

Vixee

Then you're NOT here seeking help but validation and affirmation that what you are doing is "okay". I'm sorry for what you're about to go through but more sorry for you husband and that your children will know you by your actions.

 

Only "FAIR" thing to do now is come clean w/your husband so he can make an honest & informed decision about His life & future. But my guess is... you won't... very sad (shaking head)

[vixee]

If I look at my marriage, there were ups & downs, quite a few times I also thought about leaving my H because of his attitude and his family, but I always stayed in a relationship because A. There wasn't anything intolerable B. Thinking about kids. I used to nag H and he used to nag me and we both knew we are annoying each other, and at times there was a competition who annoys who the most but there were good times as well. All this was there when this OM was not in the picture.

 

Ever since I have met this OM everything has changed, I am looking after my self, I feel happy, I don't nag anyone, I pay more attention to kids thinking I may not be paying enough, H thinks I have gone crazy and has started expressing his love!!! The way it was up until now was great until this sex thing came up! I think he expects me to give in whenever we meet next after holidays.

 

And to answer the question how I got swayed in just one meeting? Well it's because before that I did not knew he had feelings for me, there was a big nostalgic discussion. After that we were still friends but were talking 3-4 times everyday plus several texts and it took a month for me to feel the love for him. I did fight back quite a lot.

 

I am not sure if it matters but he lets me look into all his bank accounts/ work & non-work emails/texts, I have complete access to everything and he gives me whatever I ask for. He always says , its all yours babes!

 

I think OM & I are both confused or he is a big time player!!

 

My fear is if I stop connecting with OM, I will feel unhappy & boring again and the process will hurt so much, ,I will miss him, I will long for him, I will feel that I am sacrificing something that makes me happy and how long will it hurt? Months? or Years? or Forever? Thinking about it is hurting already!

[silicone]

If I look at my marriage, there were ups & downs, quite a few times I also thought about leaving my H because of his attitude and his family, but I always stayed in a relationship because A. There wasn't anything intolerable B. Thinking about kids. I used to nag H and he used to nag me and we both knew we are annoying each other, and at times there was a competition who annoys who the most but there were good times as well. All this was there when this OM was not in the picture.

 

Ever since I have met this OM everything has changed, I am looking after my self, I feel happy, I don't nag anyone, I pay more attention to kids thinking I may not be paying enough, H thinks I have gone crazy and has started expressing his love!!! The way it was up until now was great until this sex thing came up! I think he expects me to give in whenever we meet next after holidays.

 

And to answer the question how I got swayed in just one meeting? Well it's because before that I did not knew he had feelings for me, there was a big nostalgic discussion. After that we were still friends but were talking 3-4 times everyday plus several texts and it took a month for me to feel the love for him. I did fight back quite a lot.

 

I am not sure if it matters but he lets me look into all his bank accounts/ work & non-work emails/texts, I have complete access to everything and he gives me whatever I ask for. He always says , its all yours babes!

 

I think OM & I are both confused or he is a big time player!!

 

My fear is if I stop connecting with OM, I will feel unhappy & boring again and the process will hurt so much, ,I will miss him, I will long for him, I will feel that I am sacrificing something that makes me happy and how long will it hurt? Months? or Years? or Forever? Thinking about it is hurting already!

 

You need individual counselling - pronto - now.

 

He is poison. Nothing less. You have a family. You are a daughter, a wife and a mother. Think carefully about what you are doing. You have already entered the emotional affair. You feel empty towards your husband, and soon, if you let this carry on, you will feel empty towards your children.

 

You may feel empty and withdrawn from your own kids and husband. Stop it, before it stops you. Show me that you are strong enough to fight him.

[vixee]

Vixee

Then you're NOT here seeking help but validation and affirmation that what you are doing is "okay". I'm sorry for what you're about to go through but more sorry for you husband and that your children will know you by your actions.

 

Only "FAIR" thing to do now is come clean w/your husband so he can make an honest & informed decision about His life & future. But my guess is... you won't... very sad (shaking head)

 

I do seek advice here not validation or affirmation. I have always thought stepping out of wedlock was for weak and those who do it intentionally are very selfish people. I also think those who do it on purpose again and again are characterless. I have had years of marriage and in all these years getting separated has crossed my mind at times but I never thought I would want to marry someone else and never once thought I will cheat!

 

If I look at the situation without doubting anybody's intention then I would have said that I have found true love after marriage.

 

So if this OM agrees with my no-sex-before-marriage policy then can we say that we both are FAIR? We do talk about living together, our kids get along well with each other, we have hopes. But lets say all this was shambles , how do I find out? My real real question here is..is there a way to test his intentions because there is so much at stake (more importantly my feelings)? Or the only sensible thing in your opinion is just step out and turn back to where I came from?

[silicone]

As a pilot, I am legally obliged to stay away from clouds. To me, OM is the heart of a cloud, a cumulonimbus if you like. It might look fluffy and cool from the outside. But once you're inside, you see nothing. Everything is drawn away. You might not feel it on the outside, but inside, you will definitely feel it. Avoid the OM, avoid the cloud.

[vixee]

You need individual counselling - pronto - now.

 

He is poison. Nothing less. You have a family. You are a daughter, a wife and a mother. Think carefully about what you are doing. You have already entered the emotional affair. You feel empty towards your husband, and soon, if you let this carry on, you will feel empty towards your children.

 

You may feel empty and withdrawn from your own kids and husband. Stop it, before it stops you. Show me that you are strong enough to fight him.

 

Oh dear!!! Reading this hurts! I did called up a counselor the next day he asked for it! They charge big time !! I wish I could resolve everything on my own. I am really scared of feeling hurt, I won't be able to take it easily. OM & I had a debate last week and we did not speak for 3 days, those 3 days were hell!!!!!

[silicone]

Oh dear!!! Reading this hurts! I did called up a counselor the next day he asked for it! They charge big time !! I wish I could resolve everything on my own. I am really scared of feeling hurt, I won't be able to take it easily. OM & I had a debate last week and we did not speak for 3 days, those 3 days were hell!!!!!

 

I know it's scary, but once you inside, it's going to be a lot harder to get out - if you successfully get out.

 

Unfortunately, they do charge big time. In the mean time, there are things you can do - no contact. It's probably your best bet. Try to concentrate and put efforts into your family - spend a bit more time with your kids, your husband - do things together.

 

Delete his number, and his contact details. Request that he not contact you for a while - do not succumb to him asking you to keep contact. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

[vixee]

I know it's scary, but once you inside, it's going to be a lot harder to get out - if you successfully get out.

 

Unfortunately, they do charge big time. In the mean time, there are things you can do - no contact. It's probably your best bet. Try to concentrate and put efforts into your family - spend a bit more time with your kids, your husband - do things together.

 

Delete his number, and his contact details. Request that he not contact you for a while - do not succumb to him asking you to keep contact. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

 

Thanks..Re-read all the posts. I think this is the best option. So like I said after reading other threads here on the forum, I am more or less out of touch with him. This is how our last text conversation was

 

this Thursday

OM: how r u my love?

Me: miss u

OM: need u badly, can we meet tomm?

Me: Not possible expecting guests for lunch

OM: we haven't met for 6 days, i really want to see u, do something, cancel lunch

Me: Sometimes you sound so immature!

 

No response till Friday noon

OM: whats up sweets?

 

I did not reply until saturday evening, then I couldn't resist

Me: You really put me off the other day, I did not wanted to say anything mean so I did not reply to your text yesterday. Just so you know.

 

No response so far. What are the chances he had enough already and is not going to text/contact me anyway? I always feel that way after unpleasant exchange of dialogues.. But , oh well, I have serious fixing to do.

Edited December 30, 2012 by vixee

[AbeNormal]

My wife cries.

 

She says she wanted to be a good wife and, above all, a good mother. She cries.

 

I cry.

 

When he came along, and flirted and charmed and (despite the fact that he was “unavailable”) it was so real – like any number of books she had read… But like a thud there was not really anything there in the end - after he had had her. Just a need by him to affirm some perverted sense of “manhood” or “machismo” or whatever.

 

He has gone on to cheat on his wife with others. We are left with ourselves. The damage cannot be undone no matter what my wife says about “she was in a fog” or “it was like I was hypnotized”. I lay awake at night.

 

You say you are Orthodox. My wife is Christian. I say the fact that you even invoke religion with the guy is stupid – you are cheating on your husband (emotionally and physically - by kissing) and you are in the process of destroying your family and damaging your children for life. Certainly damaging your children irreparably - for a selfish daydream/reason – is not part of your religious beliefs…

 

I cry.

[silicone]

Thanks..Re-read all the posts. I think this is the best option. So like I said after reading other threads here I am more or less out of touch with him. This is how our last text conversation was

 

this Thursday

OM: how r u my love?

Me: miss u

OM: need u badly, can we meet tomm?

Me: Not possible expecting guests for lunch

OM: we haven't met for 6 days, i really want to see u, do something, cancel lunch

Me: Sometimes you sound so immature!

 

No response till Friday noon

OM: whats up sweets?

 

I did not reply until saturday evening, then I couldn't resist

Me: You really put me off the other day, I did not wanted to say anything mean so I did not reply to your text yesterday. Just so you know.

 

No response so far. What are the chances he had enough already and is not going to text me anyway. But , oh well, I have serious fixing to do.

 

Try not to think about it (random bunny rabbit to make you smile)

 

One of the hardest parts of this will be to continue to stay out of touch. I have to admit though, I really want to see my gf, but she's busy with work when I'm free, and visa versa - I know that pain very well.

[alexandria35]

I do seek advice here not validation or affirmation. I have always thought stepping out of wedlock was for weak and those who do it intentionally are very selfish people. I also think those who do it on purpose again and again are characterless. I have had years of marriage and in all these years getting separated has crossed my mind at times but I never thought I would want to marry someone else and never once thought I will cheat!

 

If I look at the situation without doubting anybody's intention then I would have said that I have found true love after marriage.

 

So if this OM agrees with my no-sex-before-marriage policy then can we say that we both are FAIR? We do talk about living together, our kids get along well with each other, we have hopes. But lets say all this was shambles , how do I find out? My real real question here is..is there a way to test his intentions because there is so much at stake (more importantly my feelings)? Or the only sensible thing in your opinion is just step out and turn back to where I came from?

 

What do want his intentions to be exactly? Do you want him to say he will leave his wife for you? I think he has already made his intentions pretty clear. If he wanted to leave his marriage for you he would have said so when you declared your desire to spend your life with him. Instead he tried to distance himself from you and started talking about sex. I don't think he left any room for doubt when it came to his intentions. However if you want to test him, just tell him your going to come clean with your husband and leave your marriage and you expect him to do the same and then watch him freak the f**k out.

 

You are living in a fantasy. You have hope because your kids get along great and you think he can live with you and it will be wonderful. LOL...his kids would hate your kids and especially you if they were forced to see their father living with you and your kids. And do you really think he wants to leave his own children so he can play step daddy to yours? Grow up and get real.

[vixee]

I will keep reading these posts and then getting out will be so much easier. I will never tell my H about what happened in last two months because he will be violent and will call me names. 1 year into my marriage I asked for divorce and he consumed all disinfectant that were there in the house, ended up critical in hospital for a week! He won't be that destructive now (I hope) but I do not expect any sober reaction/understanding. So I am not going to tell him.

 

I think I am going to lose a good friend..ever since we met for vacationing a year back...I have been asking this OM for work related advice and he is a big shot in his field, very powerful position and earns a lot, I have benefitted hugely from his work related advises..I will lose all that

Edited December 30, 2012 by vixee

[vixee]

There sure is!! A good ole smack of reality.

Demand that he immediately tell his wife that he's in love with you and wants a divorce.

 

Then see how fast he stops returning your calls and texts.

 

I did do that, he says we should give our relationship some time and see how we gel. He is asking for intimacy not pressurizing me if I am not okay, but he has been asking a lot lately! Basically filling up my mind with fantasies. I was this close to give in, then holidays came and we don't meet that privately or that much. He thinks next Christmas we will be together!

 

Having said that, I will try to forget all that and try to move on. I am definitely not going to sleep with him specially after reading AbeNormal's post!

Edited December 30, 2012 by vixee