Found out the truth!

[BrighterFuture]

Hey everyone! I want to share my story in the hopes of getting some more words of wisdom. I've posted this on another relationship forum recently, and I was hoping to get some feedback here as well! Sorry it's so long, I like to be thorough lol!

 

At the beginning of this school year I fell in love with a boy who I met at a friend's party. We hit it off instantly! He said he had seen me around for a while and always wanted to ask me out. He ended up being my first serious relationship. He was so caring and sweet and above all, he was so completely into me. I never dated a guy who was so happy to call me his girlfriend. He showed pictures of me to his parents a week into us dating! Of course I was wary, things were moving very fast but I trusted him because it was my first time getting serious with anyone so I really had no experience with relationships. (He had a long term relationship in high school and another serious one earlier on in University). Things were going well. We never fought and could talk for hours about everything and nothing. He said all the rights things. And at school we live close to each other so we hung out quite often.

 

3 months into us dating he started to become a bit distant. Stopped using pets names and overall started to become more cold. I knew he was extremely stressed with school as he’s in a very difficult degree program and I attributed his distance to this. And school was always his excuse whenever I asked him if something was bothering him. I was always encouraging him, even though he often did not reciprocate this back to me. I invited him over to hang out on December 1st, and instead, surprise surprise, he came over and broke it off with me basically saying that 1) he no longer had feelings for me, 2) he was sorry and cared about me a lot, 3) that he hoped to be friends, and 4 ) that there was no one else. Needless to say I was devastated! We had made plans to see each other during the holidays (since we live in different cities) and I had even already bought his Christmas gifts.

 

A couple days ago I came across a picture of him and a girl who he was close friends with throughout our relationship. For some reason I never trusted her...she just gave me that vibe, but I never brought it up because I really had no reason not to trust her. He introduced me to her as a friend and I left it at that. But seeing that picture made my heart sink. Days after we had broken up she was posting all over his fb wall, which I found unnerving and unusual but I brushed it aside. The picture just played into my suspicions as it was very "couple-y". In my panic I broke NC and messaged him asking him straight up if they were seeing each other and that all I needed was a yes or no answer. No response (red flag). I knew he saw the message bc Facebook has that feature now. I texted him, no response. So I left it at that for the night. Yesterday I got him to speak to me and we talked a little bit about the breakup and he said that he knew one day we would be friends and that we just had to give it time.

 

Talking to him made me feel better, but I told him that I had to know if he was seeing someone because I would never be able to let this inkling go. He said he didn’t know what I hoped to gain by asking (red flag). I said that it wasn’t a difficult question to answer. He said that we would only ever be friends…again avoidance. I told him it would be easy enough for him to say no, so it’s pretty obvious you are seeing (name of girl). He read it, no response. By this point I’m pretty convinced that he left me to be with her. But I had no other evidence other than those things i mentioned earlier (as well as some other little things during our relationship that raised some flags for me). I was hurt that he had possibly rebounded so quickly and with this particular girl too.

 

Of course I told my close friends about the whole situation. One of them tells me this little tidbit that she had been holding back because she didn’t want to hurt me more than I already was: my ex and this girl used to date!!!! I was shocked. He conveniently neglected to tell me this (lying by omission) as I had known about his other exes. All evidence of their prior relationship had been removed from facebook I guess after they had broken up. Moreover, apparently it was she who left him the first time around! All of a sudden everything clicked into place and it made sense. It was me who was the rebound all along! I couldn’t’ believe it (and still can't). While he may have entered the relationship with good intentions, the fact that he kept this from me makes me feel so disrespected. When he initially broke up with me I came to accept it (even though I was so hurt) because I had felt he was honest with me about his feelings and I thought he had done it for more selfless reasons.

 

Even after finding this out and confronting him about the picture he could have had the decency to tell me the truth! What did he have to lose? I feel as if he was protecting himself from feeling any more guilty for hurting me, but it backfired.

 

I can’t believe someone could be so selfish and inconsiderate when I gave them everything! But you live and you learn. I feel so used. I really put everything into it. It hurts being tossed aside especially for someone else!If I had known they had history I would never have let myself get so attached so quickly, so I resent him for not telling me.

 

I'm not sure what answers i'm looking for. Has anyone else been in my situation? I definitely don't want him back, but what are the chances of their 2nd go at a relationship lasting? I don't know if there's an answer to that.

 

I'm looking forward to the day that the hurt has subsided!

[aliceb1987]

Many people have been through identical or similar situations hun....but all you can do is try to learn from it,and i think in your situation this is to next time pay attention to the 'red flags' earlier on.As for him and her lasting no-one knows and agonising over that will only lead to more intense feelings of anger,hurt and jealousy.Analysing is a necessary part of getting over a breakup but try your best to move on and try again...its inexplicably hard i know and will take time,but eventually you will get there and look back wondering why you cared at all about such a waster!

[Pinky777]

What a jerk and a coward. You asked for the truth in the face of evidence, no less, and he wasn't man enough to tell you, and bet your sweet bippy he probably thinks he did nothing wrong because he didn't outright lie. I'm glad you trusted your gut and you're not wasting your time with him anymore. I was lied to by my ex-husand about his affair, both my omission at first and and when I found things out, direct lies to my face, even when I knew 100% what was going on. It happens to a lot of people unfortunatley, you're certainly not alone. People can't handle taking responsibility for the crappy things they do, so they lie and hide like little children.

 

I doubt they will last, he sounds like a total flake but please don't worry yourself about it. It does get easeir with time, and when is different for everyone. At least you know now that he lied and it's not much of a loss.

[terlislee]

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this He sounds like an immature coward. If it wasn't so improbable I could swear you dated my ex. (You're from the US though right? I'm seriously paranoid lol.)

 

As for them working out the second time, it depends why they broke up, if one of them cheated etc. In the majority of cases second chances are destined to fail sooner or later.

[LostOne1]

One reason why I hate when Ex's cant tell you the truth. They can break your heart, but they can't even be honest enough to say X was the problem and that made me break it off.

[BrighterFuture]

Thanks everyone for your supportive words! Just woke up from in the middle of the night after having my first ever dream about them together...ugh.

 

Although it still hurts, knowing that he's a liar will definitely be an aid in getting over the breakup. Initially when the breakup happened I was at a complete loss, devestated. I had nothing negative to grasp onto that would help me get over him because the relationship hadn't had the time to mature (no arguments or adverse behaviour had come out yet). So in that sense I'm "glad" to have figured out the truth.

 

He definitely is a jerk and a coward! I (and everyone else on this forum) deserve better than that.

[BrighterFuture]

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this He sounds like an immature coward. If it wasn't so improbable I could swear you dated my ex. (You're from the US though right? I'm seriously paranoid lol.)

 

Lol well I'm actually from Canada...this is so strange! And I understand paranoia haha. Paranoia was what eventually led me to the truth about my ex so no judgment here

[ns2life]

[i am so sorry to hear that and I absolutely understand how you feel, BrighterFuture! Warning: this is a long reply (but my first relationship was the same length as yours).

 

My first relationship, which happened earlier on this year, was also very short-lived (3-months –to be exact). I know that you must feel cheated and disappointed like crazy! I know that feeling of disappointment all too well. I also am aware of how unfair everything must appear to you, because that pathetic excuse for a man completely screwed you over and was enough of a pansy to flee away from the scene and keep his sad excuse for an a** covered!

 

I hit it off with the guy I began to see right away. Originally, I just wanted it to be a simple fling. I just wanted to pretty much lose my virginity to him and disappear (because I was aware of how complicated things could get with us and the situation that we had that could complicate things). He, on the other hand, had different plans. He asked if we could actually date and see where it goes. I reluctantly agreed and before you know it, I fell off my feet for him. I was sickly attached and had no idea how to stop acting that way. He kept encouraging it and wanted to hang out and do things together. He even wanted me to meet his family (which I did, with hesitation, aware of how fast we were moving). I knew that things were not right, because I couldn’t even keep track of my appearance or emotions. I couldn’t stop feeling as though I “needed” him, and I absolutely hated feeling that way because I was always so independent and strong before meeting him. Things also started to turn around. At first, he was the one who was crazy about me and I was the one who was almost taken aback by how much he liked me. As weeks went by, I was sickly obsessed with him and he started to get a little freaked out. I would pick stupid fights and (secretly) get jealous and possessive. After about three months, he told me that he wanted us to just stay as “friends with benefits” because he only liked me as a friend and I was getting too attached to him. This made me furious, because he was the one who originally wanted our relationship to be more than a “fling”. I said “no” and suggested that if he only saw me as a friend we should just be friends (without the benefits).

 

We then took a month break, but during the month, I feared that he would just forget about me and move on, so I continuously texted him. He then told me that I was getting on his nerves, which caused me to send a very angry and mean reply (I was on an emotional roller coaster at the time). He then told me that he needs time to detach from me so that we could actually be friends. This upset me even more, because he told me that he never had feelings for me, so I sent another very mean reply. Next thing you know, he stopped replying. I couldn’t believe that he completely cut things off with me through TEXTING—it made me feel cheap and worthless because he didn’t even give me the respect to end things in person! I didn’t hear a word from him after that…until…

 

I repeatedly harassed him with emails, texts, phone calls and messages (I even banged on his door for a few hours once). Fed up, he emailed me back telling me that I am crazy and after a few exchanges of emails, he finally “admitted” (if he was even telling the truth) that his feelings were getting too strong for me and we couldn’t be together because of that (which still doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to me). Anyway, this got me even madder, so I just continued to harass him even more—I even begged like a dog in my emails to just see him again so that my first relationship could just end better. He then told me that I am insane and to just leave him alone and he blocked me from everything, which didn’t do him much good, because I just made fake accounts and continued to harass him, but I eventually got tired of doing it and gave up completely.

 

It sounds a little funny now, but that was by far the most devastating thing that I have ever gone through.

 

[And while I do not at all regret putting him through that torture of harassing him, DO NOT DO WHAT I DID, IT WILL MAKE YOU FEEL HORRIBLE!

 

It has been about 6-7 months since I last tried contacting him, and I will admit that I do get very upset about it at times and while I still miss him every once in a while, I am so much better off than I ever was before. I look better than I ever did before, being so upset caused me to get out of the house and find new and interesting things about myself and, most importantly, my maturity level is much higher than it ever was before. I am also now able to see my flaws in the relationship and why he felt smothered enough to end it. Granted, I still wish that he ended things in person with me, but now I realize that I was a little scary at the time and while he is still a cow-headed jerk, I can SOMEWHAT understand his situation. I also see why he no longer wanted to be with me. I was insanely attached and he probably saw that I was losing myself—it probably scared him because I was no longer the girl that he first met. The situation will be the same for you—he didn’t treat you that way to purposefully hurt you. He is human and while he is a coward and a complete jerk, he wasn’t trying to use you. I am sure that he did care about you and just made a quick decision off of his emotions and under pressure, but it is now your turn to prove to him (and more importantly, yourself) that he made the biggest mistake of his life by leaving you so soon.

 

You need to change your mindset, BrighterFuture! Stop focusing on what happened and how the situation between him and his gf ends up. The past is not worth your time! Spoil yourself like crazy! Look your best everyday! Go out with girlfriends or family! TAKE LOTS OF PICTURES OF YOU LOOKING HOT! Gain new hobbies! Make new goals and attain them! Prove to yourself that you are better than the way he treated you! STAY POSITIVE!

 

You will get through this. Believe me, this whole situation that you went through is a blessing in disguise. You will discover so many new and interesting things about yourself during the process. This whole situation can positively change your life if you just stay persistent in moving on.

 

The best part is, when you meet someone new, you will have a better idea of how to act in the relationship. Just see this past relationship of yours as practice for your next (upgraded) significant other. You now have the experience that you need to make it last with that special someone.

Edited December 31, 2012 by ns2life

[Sugarkane]

I find it really ironic men are obsessed with being strong and "having balls" but they act like complete cowards at a breakup. It's a pity people in general don't learn how to act at the end of a breakup. I don't know if there's anything you can do differently after doing everything right yet getting screwed over by a jerk.