waterwoman Posted December 29, 2012 Posted December 29, 2012 that he loved me, she meant nothing to him, that they didn't have sex, that they were more like brother and sister, they never meant to hurt anyone, that they are NC, that it's all over.... etc etc et-effing-c... Haven't we read all these on here many many times? Lies? Truth? To OW and BW ? Who knows?. LS response is ' MM lie'! But this MM is also someone's husband and to that woman he wasn't a liar beforehand. He was a man who loved her and gave her his heart and his life. I never had to doubt his word before. All of a sudden I do? It stinks. I don't know what to believe. What do you do when your world tilts? When do you start to trust the ground beneath your feet again?
OpenBook Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 When you stop trying to feel the ground thru other people's feet?
silicone Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 Trust your instincts. That's what I learned as a pilot, when dealing with spacial disorientation.
wheelwright Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 Trust your instincts. That's what I learned as a pilot, when dealing with spacial disorientation. Like this post. I think in these circumstances we should ask if we truly love the AP. After that, we need to understand the R between hedonism and love. And after that, I don't know yet.
GLDheart Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 I think it's like a blind man learning to trust the contents of a room.... The placement of a bottom step at small set of stairs if you will... If his foot reaches for that step enough times and it's there, where it's supposed to be, every single time... he will have faith that it will be there always. He will "blindly" trust it with confidence. He will no longer check it, but will trust on it's support. Take it away, even once, and he will never forget that one day that things went wrong. BUT, those bruises will heal. AND, if everyday for years it is always there where it belongs the memory of that day will fade and he will have restored some "faith" again. He will trust his footing, never carelessly, never fully, but he will trust it again. The scary part of betrayal though: if that step is one day (way off in the future) even a HAIR out of place, the memory of that day and the pain he felt when he was betrayed will come right back. 1
Author waterwoman Posted December 30, 2012 Author Posted December 30, 2012 When you stop trying to feel the ground thru other people's feet? but it's my feet that have slipped. yes, I need to stop relying on someone else as my foundation but thats a tough lesson to learn after nearly 30yrs. And if I am honest I didn't know that I was relying on him until he let me down.
Author waterwoman Posted December 30, 2012 Author Posted December 30, 2012 WW, I'm sorry that you have found yourself in such a terrible place. Limbo is awful. You said he wasn't a liar beforehand, I think you should give that some weight. Forgive me for not knowing details but how long has there been NC? People can and do start and stop love, it's not easy but it happens. He really might have felt that he loved her, but he realized it's over now and now he knows he loves you, whereas before he was iffy. How is he showing you he loves you? Did he show you before the affair? I think OB made a good point, make the ground beneath your feet, YOUR ground. 6 month affair. d- day 6 months ago. He is doing the right things. he is saying the right things. The problem is with me. Before the affair we were quite distant, we had been for a year or so - life got in the the way, he was a little jealous of the children, I suffered from depression. He is more like he was years ago. So am I.
Author waterwoman Posted December 30, 2012 Author Posted December 30, 2012 I think in these circumstances we should ask if we truly love the AP. Thats what I want to know - did he? He is leaning towards ' no' currently but it's taken 6 months to get here! And I don't want to dictate his feelings anyway. I need to reach a point where I don't care what he feels about her.
Author waterwoman Posted December 30, 2012 Author Posted December 30, 2012 Trust your instincts. That's what I learned as a pilot, when dealing with spacial disorientation. My instinct is to trust him but is that just habit? LS suggests so. it is making me mistrustful.
Author waterwoman Posted December 30, 2012 Author Posted December 30, 2012 Take it away, even once, and he will never forget that one day that things went wrong. BUT, those bruises will heal. AND, if everyday for years it is always there where it belongs the memory of that day will fade and he will have restored some "faith" again. He will trust his footing, never carelessly, never fully, but he will trust it again. Thanks. That is a good analogy. problem is I never realised I was blind. H is only just beginning to see what damage he has done. So am I.
BetrayedH Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 yes, I need to stop relying on someone else as my foundation but thats a tough lesson to learn after nearly 30yrs. And if I am honest I didn't know that I was relying on him until he let me down. This is very true. This teaches us a lesson about independence. I don't think you "slipped" though. Nor do I think you chose this lesson; in fact, you chose marriage instead of the single life. Hard to blame you there. I've found the lesson to be a very liberating one. I say you embrace it. I may not have asked for it but now I'm kinda enjoying not needing anyone for anything. 1
Decorative Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 Oh, this is a horrible and normal place to land, post betrayal. What I will tell you- is that when my spouse began to do all the right things, my gut shifted. I stopped feeling like something was off all the time. My gut quieted. It was not that way during the false recovery. On the surface, he was saying and appeared to be doing most of the right things. But I couldn't settle. I could not stop digging for answers. Because my brain was warning me. But when things really settled - and I realized I was okay with losing my marriage, because I was prepared to keep my sanity, and my spouse fought hard to stay together and did the work, then that feeling settled down. I have no idea if this helps or not. But it's what happened to me. And I am not saying I settled down overnight. It was a path, and a long one. But that feeling of unreality and doubting left when the affair was truly over and he was defogger ( for lack of a better term). I still had a lot of work to do, to decide what direction I wanted to go at that point- and that was hard, but that unsettled feeling of what to believe went away. 1
seren Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 Waterwoman, 6 months after D Day I was still a mess, I had times of not being so, but like you I had a long term marriage where I trusted with all that I had, I had periods of not knowing if I was placing my trust back in a safe place, if what had been said was right, if I was doing the right thing, if, if, if. I would say it took around 2 years for me to stop thinking about the A, for me to realise it truly was a one off and that we were back on track and that H had changed and was the man I had always known him to be. It happens when it happens and all the he said, she said, they did isn't as important as what we did, do, had and have. Infidelity and the repairing a broken marriage, heart and relationship, doesn't have a time frame, I would be very surprised at anyone who has reconciled in under a year or two. It is a very hard road to travel, but it can be done, anger doesn't float away neither does insecurity or feeling like a fool etc, but, at some point you will get to the stage when you realise that it is as good as it gets and either stay or go. But, for now, please know this is entirely normal. I hope it gets easier for you x
Author waterwoman Posted December 31, 2012 Author Posted December 31, 2012 For all your responses. Especially knowing it's 'normal' seren because I feel so very abnormal at the moment. I honestly felt better 1 month after d-day - but I think that is because I hadn't quite processed it all. I reckon H thought that was as bad as it was going to get - hollow laugh! To be fair so did I. Never done this before. We were listening to a song in the car yesterday and it was about a man leaving an old relationship and feeling releived about it because he had a new one to go to - and my heart just froze. H reached over and touched my leg - it's as if, inspite of the books I gave him to read in the beginning, he didn't actually GET it until now. So many things hurt me and NOW he is seeing how vulnerable I am. He isn't a stupid man, just not good at emotions - this is making him see the world differently too and realise you can't be a porcupine all your life - you have to be vulnerable and open. After all of you have told me so many many times that it takes years, I finally see that. It's exhausting. I keep waiting to hear that end credits music - the peaceful happy music you get at the end of old-fashioned disaster movies that tells you 'It's OK, the world isn't really like that, pick up your coats, put your popcorn carton in the bin, go back to your real lives'.
Author waterwoman Posted December 31, 2012 Author Posted December 31, 2012 Oh and he bought me a new wedding ring. It was lovely but it was exactly the same as the old one. I cried because he finally gave it to me and then I cried because it was the same as the old one. DOes anyone understand that? I would have been happy with something out of christmas cracker but not the same as the old one - that one was placed on my finger when we stood in the Saxon church that we had both attended as children, in front of all the people that cared about us, and we made promises. This ring is for a different reason - a new commitment. He thought a wedding band had to be a plain gold band so he didn't give it a thought. When will I stop expecting H to read my mind? So now he really does think I am crazy. But he's taking it back and we are going shopping for another together. 1
Author waterwoman Posted January 7, 2013 Author Posted January 7, 2013 I posted a new thread about this but it got put in the Watercooler. I thought I'd just update here too.... H gave me the first ' new' one just after Christmas. it was the same as my first wedding ring. A simple gold band. I asked him to take it back. Why? Because the first ring represented something that was found wanting by both of us - a marriage in which I was too much the wife and mother and not enough the lover and friend. A marriage which inspite of 20 years of love and support, 3 children, and a long history of shared memories, wasn't enough to make me more appealing than a dizzy blonde half his age. So I now am the proud owner of an expensive extravagant diamond eternity ring. And I didn't once say "Ooh that is far too expensive for me! Think of the phone bill!" No more Cinderella! I am calling forth my inner mistress!
Recommended Posts