I found out that my wifes cheating on me

[North Man]

So, my wife cheated on me. We had problems about 2 years ago. She wanted me to stop talking to new family members that I'd met through Facebook. My dad died a long time ago and my mom died 3 years ago. I felt the need to search out my Aunts, Uncles and first Cousins. She demanded that I stop talking to the first family member that I met. This went on for a few days and then I met another family member. The first one was ignored by her and she turned her attention to the second one... Then I met one of my female cousins who is a daughter of my dads favorite sister. Like the first time, she turned her attention to the new cousin, who I"ll call "Karen". I couldn't take any more of the leapfrogging from relative to relative anymore and told her no. Karen was sending me pictures of my Grandfather, who I'd never seen. This enraged her. She cried, threatened me, told me how much she hated me and pouted. It only got worse. She then demanded that I close my Facebook and cut all contact to EVERYONE that I know. I didn't know what to do, so I asked her to compromise with me. I'd talk to everyone less and she would allow me to talk to my new family members. That didn't last long. Talking less, wasn't good enough. She said that I was still talking to them to much and that I couldn't add anyone new without her permission. This just made me irate and I told her to go to hell, I'm not obeying anymore. I told her that I've done nothing wrong. I let her have full access to my Facebook, so that she could read all of our conversations. I'd never had any inappropriate conversations with anyone and I have never taken any time away from my wife while talking to anyone else. I always make time for my wife. I love her and don't want her to feel that she has to take a backseat to anyone. Anyways, things just got worse and worse. I thought that she was going off the deep end.

 

About 6 months ago, I told her that we need to talk, that this had gone on to long. I asked her how we could get past this.I asked if I delete "Karen" and anyone else from my Facebook that she wanted could we put this behind us. She said that it didn't matter anymore and that I'd just talk to them anyways, because I was a sneak! After allowing her full access to all of my accounts, I don't understand how she though I was sneaking or being deceptive. I would have deleted anyone that she wanted (I just didn't want to fight anymore). By this time she had ruined my relationship with my "new" family members. I didn't want to talk to anyone anymore, because I just had a bad taste in my mouth about all off it and was starting to sink into depression. I don't talk to anyone anymore, I don't even feel like it now, after this whole ordeal. She made me second guess myself, I wondered if maybe it wasn't right to talk to anyone that I didn't get prior approval for.

 

We've been married for a very long time, we met when we were very young. She cheated on me years ago, after we had first married. I was devastated and we separated for a few weeks. After a few weeks I started to think that maybe we shouldn't get back together. I started to move on emotionally, she said that she'd made a mistake and wanted to get back together. We did after her pursuing me for a while.

 

Fast-forward to now. Something was telling me to check her email(which I rarely do). I found emails to some guy who lives a days drive away from us. She was saying things to him that I've never heard her say to me. It was like reading the words of some stranger. I delved deeper and found PM's with this guy that have been going on for the last 6 months. She's been talking to him daily. The conversations are very graphic and sexual in nature. Like having sex with other women, performing oral sex in the bathroom at work, etc... While I was reading, I felt as though I was dreaming and that this couldn't be real. I started packing my things right away. I was so emotional that I couldn't think strait. The phone rang and it was some 800 number wanting me to wait on the line for a important message. I hung up and continued packing. A minute later my wife called from work and I answered it again thinking that it was the 800 number calling again. I had already been crying while packing and she knew that something was wrong. I told her that I had found out and that I was leaving. She became historical, begging me not to leave. I told her that I am leaving and I am done with her. I said that I deserve better and that she will never have me again and hung up. I continued packing as fast as I could. I came back in from packing my car and she was in the house(she must have ran home). She tried to hug me and I pushed her away. She was covered in snot and tears. She was begging me not to leave, that it had all been a mistake. She was so sorry and that she needed professional help. I told her that I'm leaving anyway and to get the **** out of the way. She blocked the door and continued begging me to stay, just long enough to listen to her. I told her that I just need a few more things and I would be back in the future to get the rest of my belongings. She said that it had started out with her looking for help dealing with the whole Facebook thing and had somehow ending up becoming a "flirtatious" relationship and that it never went any further. She said that she would cut it off right now. She went on the pc and told him that it was over and that it was a mistake, she was canceling her account(which she did) and he should do the same. She also said that all of the other sexual encounters that she spoke of were just made up to impress him.

 

For some stupid reason I still love her, but I don't know if this is going to work. Like I said, we've been together a long time. I had plenty of girlfriends before her, but she is my first love and we lost out virginity together. I told her that I would think about it, but I wasn't making any promises. She said that she would get help and we would seek marriage counselling.

 

And here I am now. A week later. She has kept her word so far. She has appointments set up for the begging of the the year. But, I am still skeptical. I don't know if I'll ever feel the same, or can allow myself to feel the same. I've been hurt so deeply that I don't know if I can ever trust another woman. I feel deep anger over the whole Facebook thing. I never felt that I was doing anything wrong by talking to "new" family members and now I feel justified in my decision to continue to talk to them back then, even though now my relationship is ruin with them. I felt as though she was trying to control me for whatever reasons, or was just jealous because she won't speak to her family.

 

Well, here I am now. I have full blown depression, I don't have any family. A wife that says shes trying to change. I don't know if I can go through this again and honestly, I don't know if I want to. This is the worst Christmas of my life. I'll be glad when this year's over.

 

I'm sorry if I've brought anyone down. I just needed someone to talk/vent to.

[Gottabestrong]

Wow, she sounds horrible. To forbid you to talk to family members just does not make any sense to me at all. And then she cheats on you with that guy.

 

I understand if you don't want to walk away after spending most of your life with her, but my honest advice would be to run and never look back.

[dreamingoftigers]

I'm sorry that you went through this. She really is awful. Especially about the family thing. As a child from two split families on mom and dads side as well as a wife to someone who's family is totally split, contacting and finding family that you can talk to and relate to is so important. Your wides reaction to that (even before her cheating) is so so selfish, jealous, crazy, controlling, bitter and insane. Just awful!

 

I can't tell you what to do in your relationship. Who knows what is best BUT I would suggest going to individual counseling to help sort out some of your feelings etc. The fact that she already knew how horribly cheating hurt you before is very telling though.

 

I doubt the cheating started after the FB stuff. It sounds more like she was trying to isolate you and was paranoid because she was already up to no good. It's classic behavior for cheaters. My father even pulled it on my mother. He still tries to isolate her in every way possible.

[crashvector]

I am SO very sorry. My exwife cheated on me multiple times as well. She was also physically abusive.

 

I know your pain. Feel free to PM me if you need to talk to someone who has been there.