ado4586 Posted December 29, 2012 Posted December 29, 2012 I have been exclusively dating a man for almost 3 months now. (He was the one who requested the exclusivity.) So far it has been an enjoyable experience for both of us, and there is chemistry. We both wanted to take it slow, and only just started sleeping with each other. What I'm bothered about is that he refers to me as his friend, even after we have being seeing each other this long and now are intimate with each other. I think by this time, under these circumstances, I should be considered his girlfriend. We're both middle aged, and have great careers (he's a lawyer, I'm a TV Producer) and we both have had long term monogamous relationships in the past, so this is not a case of too young to settle into a relationship, or wanting to play the field. Am I being a sucker for settling for just being considered a friend under these circumstances? What would make him resist calling me his girlfriend when we're exclusive for several months and more recently physically intimate? How long should I wait before broaching the subject? And how should I approach him about this subject without him feeling defensive?
EasyHeart Posted December 29, 2012 Posted December 29, 2012 Most likely he is (a) trying not to be presumptuous or (2) not sure how to describe your relationship. Men don't pay as much attention to labels as women do. I can't tell you how many times I've mentioned a girlfriend and some woman says, "Oh, so she's your girlfriend now? Tell me all about it!" like it had some sort of clear and legally binding definition. It doesn't. If it bothers you, talk to him about it. He'll probably call you anything you want.
Author ado4586 Posted December 30, 2012 Author Posted December 30, 2012 Sadly, that is not the case. When I've brought it up before we were starting to get hot and heavy he was resistant to the idea of considering me his "girlfriend" as oppose to just a friend
mortensorchid Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 Well, you asked and now you know. I'm sorry to hear this but he's not very serious about you despite what you have said about it before. I would move on before you invest any more time/energy into this.
Ninjainpajamas Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 I don't believe that he wanted to take it slow....even if he said it, men do that for altogether different reasons. The fact is that he likely did and said things according to your behavior and demeanor, at least to his interpretation. He's now predictably after "taking it slow" going to back off, avoid escalation and progression using some kind of excuse or reason not to. He's going to reach a place where he feels comfortable and although your expectations were to make sure you were comfortable, secure and could trust the man he is likely going into this with a different agenda, while you expected to just take things slow and eventually move forward he's looking for a place to pitch a tent. Now with vagina in hand, I believe that there will be not much of a reason to invest or show any kind of strong interest. That would be my assessment, therefore I would predict the consistency of contact of the "little things" to wane and for things to stagnate...of course due to some "justifiable" reason...typically emotional. 1
Casablanca Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 Sadly, that is not the case. When I've brought it up before we were starting to get hot and heavy he was resistant to the idea of considering me his "girlfriend" as oppose to just a friend That sucks, I'd be done with him 1
TaraMaiden Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 Exclusive or not, you're still a FWB, not a GF. Choose. 1
Cutiepie1976 Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 Women often use "take it slow" to mean not rushing into sex, whereas some guys use the phrase to mean keeping things casual rather than rushing into a "real" relationship. It can be helpful to clarify exactly what your SO means when he asks for exclusivity, etc...when he first asks. Ditto for sharing what it is you're looking for out of dating if you want more than a casual arrangement or fling. There are ways to do this without coming across as overly serious and "heavy" or making things awkward. Yes, unfortunately you are just FWBs or buddies, nothing more. If this isn't what you want, I wouldn't stick around hoping to convert it to a BF/GF relationship. Those efforts almost always fail. Start afresh with someone else. Sorry.
Author ado4586 Posted December 31, 2012 Author Posted December 31, 2012 Well, you asked and now you know. I'm sorry to hear this but he's not very serious about you despite what you have said about it before. I would move on before you invest any more time/energy into this. Well, actually he said he needs more time to see where it goes. He was really hurt by his last relationship, and that's one of the reasons he's given me for going slow and being cautious. (He's cautious in everything he does in life as a rule, I've noticed) I guess I have to ask, how long should I wait around?
Cutiepie1976 Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 (edited) Well, actually he said he needs more time to see where it goes. He was really hurt by his last relationship, and that's one of the reasons he's given me for going slow and being cautious. (He's cautious in everything he does in life as a rule, I've noticed) I guess I have to ask, how long should I wait around? And you are likely to get some version of: How can I put a timeline on when my feelings will develop (or when I'll have finally healed)? We just have to see where this goes. I like being with you though. My sense from what you've shared so far is that he has little if any real interest in anything other than a casual arrangement with you. I worry that you have set yourself up to be strung along. He's getting what he wants out of the relationship and is happy with the current status quo. You aren't, or you wouldn't be posting here. Please find someone who seeks a relationship where both your needs are met. There are great guys out there who are looking for exactly the same things you are--a relationship and to be a couple, and not just a sex buddy for their exclusive use, meaning you aren't sleeping around with others and putting him at risk for STIs. (Let's be honest, that's the reason he asked for exclusivity. He doesn't want you giving him STIs...especially when he wants to go bareback rather than using a condom.) I understand that you've fallen for him and are hoping for more, but please see this for what it is. People date for very different reasons. Next go-around, if you don't want something casual, start with someone who shares your relationship goals, and wants those things with you. Pace is a red herring . It's a non-issue when you're with the right person. Edited December 31, 2012 by Cutiepie1976
TaraMaiden Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 Well, actually he said he needs more time to see where it goes. He was really hurt by his last relationship, and that's one of the reasons he's given me for going slow and being cautious. (He's cautious in everything he does in life as a rule, I've noticed) I guess I have to ask, how long should I wait around? Hmm, yeah. Good move. Give him the whole of 2013, to make his mind up - in the meantime he still gets the benefit of his friend being available when he wants her, for a good phukk, while he ensures she can't move on, see other people and get on with her life. You're a bit like a comfortable pair of gloves which he puts on and takes off as appropriate to the weather.... Please - don't let this year go by with you continue to sit in the 'will-he-won't-he' drawer....
Author ado4586 Posted January 4, 2013 Author Posted January 4, 2013 Thank you all for your insights. Really useful! It has helped clarify a lot of what I was feeling inside. I want to be understanding, but I also don't want to be taken advantage of. He truly is a sweet guy, but that is now not enough for me. I don't want to be in a "no-man's land" of a relationship. The boyfriend/girlfriend label won't change how we currently interact with each other, but it's an acknowledgment of my worth and meaning to him. And i feel there should be an acknowledgment at this point. He's leaving for France on business in 10 days for a couple of weeks, so I'll probably broach the subject before he leaves. Feel free to make suggestions on how I should bring this up with him without seeming adversarial. I'd rather come across as fair-minded. Thanks all, and looking forward to more insights.
sagetalk Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 Am I being a sucker for settling for just being considered a friend under these circumstances? I think you already know the answer to this question. It is yes.
jakelongot Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 I have been exclusively dating a man for almost 3 months now. (He was the one who requested the exclusivity.) So far it has been an enjoyable experience for both of us, and there is chemistry. We both wanted to take it slow, and only just started sleeping with each other. What I'm bothered about is that he refers to me as his friend, even after we have being seeing each other this long and now are intimate with each other. I think by this time, under these circumstances, I should be considered his girlfriend. We're both middle aged, and have great careers (he's a lawyer, I'm a TV Producer) and we both have had long term monogamous relationships in the past, so this is not a case of too young to settle into a relationship, or wanting to play the field. Am I being a sucker for settling for just being considered a friend under these circumstances? What would make him resist calling me his girlfriend when we're exclusive for several months and more recently physically intimate? How long should I wait before broaching the subject? And how should I approach him about this subject without him feeling defensive? I wouldn't read too much into it. We're guys...regardless of our age If it is really bothering you, ask him about it. You have been dating for 3 months, not 3 years. It is one of those things that is weird to say for the first time, especially when making introductions to friends. Once he says it the first time, there won't be an issue. Has happened to me before and many friends. The girl usually says it before the guy. You are not a sucker. Cut him some slack. Communicate. All will be good.
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