billybadass36 Posted August 17, 2004 Posted August 17, 2004 As well as the ability of those involved to empathize with their so-called SIGNIFICANT others by having the common courtesy of taking into account their SO's feelings. As people MATURE, as you put it, people tend to know what it's like to be in a certain situation and know how to avoid creating unpleasant feelings in their SO just so that they can engage in what amounts to a relatively minor, relatively insignificant "friendship" with a former lover. I, for one, care too deeply for my girlfriend to make her feel how I know I would feel if the roles were reversed.
savethedrama4allama Posted August 17, 2004 Posted August 17, 2004 Very thoughtful, billybadass, and way to represent Michigan (I'm in Ann Arbor.) I'm sure your girlfriend appreciates you.
Author matius Posted August 17, 2004 Author Posted August 17, 2004 And those are interesting points billybadass... I may be experiencing fundamental differences between us now. It may just be how she operates. And if she (or I in a different case), can't modify my attitude/perceptions/feelings towards me/her, it may be that we aren't as good a fit as it seems... Man, an entire range of posts that really got me thinking. Thanks again.
surfergirl Posted August 17, 2004 Posted August 17, 2004 All I have to say is if your doing your "homework" then you don't have to "cheat" or another way to put it is if you do the "cooking" at home then you don't have to "eat out".... if either party has jealousy then feelings do get hurt !! People put the jealousy back in high school where it belongs and trust your partner to do the right thing....if they prove you wrong - move on. Bye bye
Author matius Posted August 17, 2004 Author Posted August 17, 2004 surfergirl, that's a very good point. sometimes easier said than done, and i don't believe that jealousy is so black and white. I think it exists in everyone, it's just that some can control it better than others...and people out of high school experience it. I think it may be natural perhaps to feel a little discomfort and confusion (perhaps fathered by jealousy) as to why the person you're dating would want to chill out with someone they've had sex and been intimate with- without you around.
tanbark813 Posted August 17, 2004 Posted August 17, 2004 Originally posted by surfergirl People put the jealousy back in high school where it belongs and trust your partner to do the right thing....if they prove you wrong - move on. Bye bye In an ideal world, I would totally agree. The only problem is that this world is far from ideal. People lie and cover things up all the time. You can only hope that if your partner cheats, you'll find out, but that isn't always the case. Most of the time, things eventually surface, but not always. I personally know of couples who end up getting married without knowing about their partner having cheated on them. I don't think anyone would want to end up in a situation like that. It's one thing to be trusting, quite another to walk blindly into heartbreak. The problem lies in knowing the difference. I would imagine that is part of what troubles matius.
Author matius Posted August 17, 2004 Author Posted August 17, 2004 tanbark813 - I've agreed with each of your posts, they're all well written. This just isn't that black and white. I don't know how to describe the way I felt. When I was younger, my girlfriend at the time hung with one of her exes. They made a mistake and messed around one weekend I was gone. They didn't mean to be malicious, they were just comfortable with each other and did it. I don't see why after breaking up you would want to put your time and energy into a relationship later on. I do trust her, but I have trust issues. I didn't feel jealous like you think, I felt anxiety and remembered what I felt earlier in my life. But this is a different situation, and not the same person. So I should trust her fully. I think I have right to voice my opinion, and make it known to her how I feel. And that shouldn't sound freakish.
surfergirl Posted August 17, 2004 Posted August 17, 2004 Matius, I have a question for you. If you let jealousy (not you in particular) grow what happens? If you have a "little" jealousy does it not turn into more? I've never been jealous of anyone or anything - I guess I'm on my own there. If you let the bad stuff in your life predict your future - what's going to happen? I don't know about anyone else but I try to fill my life with positives - I know they are not always there but if you try really hard there's something good to be found in everything. To me, if you dwell on the "what if's" it's only going to bring you down - why waste valuable time? And sorry, but for me, it is black and white. When I love someone I love them completely and trust them completely and maybe I'm setting myself up for heartbreak but I give them the benefit of the doubt. To me, when there's room for doubt then there's a weak link in the relationship. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I give 100% and I want the same in return. 50/50 doesn't work it has to be 100/100 to make it last.
shamen Posted August 17, 2004 Posted August 17, 2004 Originally posted by billybadass36 Side note: It seems like it's always the females in the relationship that insist upon keeping their exes in the picture as "just friends". And, like was said earlier in this thread, they're the same ones that would be busting your balls if you kept lurking around your exgirlfriends. Double standard much? Yeah, I think so. It's always funny that in these situations it's the guy that's "controlling", but if the table was turned, the guy would be labelled insensitive, an attention whore, or worse yet, a flat-out cheater. Redonkulous. Nope, I don't have any problems with my bfs being friends with their exes. In this day and age, and at my age (with people having been married), this is impossible to avoid. (I'm 35.) Matius, The man with whom I'm still friends... we don't put time and energy exactly into being friends. We just are. We run in the same circles. We know the same people. It would be time and energy not being friends, IMHO. Again, you'll be OK. Just talk to her. BTW, did she already meet him? Did you guys talk about it?
Author matius Posted August 17, 2004 Author Posted August 17, 2004 Yes, she met him... I think they run in the same circle of friends too. May be the same thing you're talking about. You know I put my neck on the line by telling her the way I felt. I've always had the idea that by telling the girl your with how you feel makes you look like a puss...you know explaining your insecure, jealous or anxiety laden side. But I suppose it's a good way to weed out the people who don't want to put up with it, or who might not be willing to be around while you help yourself grow. We talked it out and I think we'll be alright, from this point forward I'm going to try hard to let the ball bounce where it may and put my trust into everyone I meet. That's my goal.
Author matius Posted August 18, 2004 Author Posted August 18, 2004 This makes sense to me, I don't know about you guys...the situation is reversed but still applies I think. http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/Love36.html
savethedrama4allama Posted August 18, 2004 Posted August 18, 2004 I agree with that article. What's the update? Is she going to see him again?
Author matius Posted August 18, 2004 Author Posted August 18, 2004 Yeah, she's seen him a couple times (with friends I've been told) while he is in town. I find out he doesn't live in this state - so. I have no idea if he's moving back or not. I guess what pisses me off is now I feel like I've shown low self-worth and insecurity by mentioning this. That bothers me more than the kids involved ever did. You know the two had sex and they were together for a long time for a reason. Things in common, romantic interests. They did break up for a reason, but that doesn't mean they can't still have fun together sometimes. I've decided to trust her, but feels like she won something. I don't think that relationships should be about points...but I can't help to think that she has gained some sort of advantage. I'd say disadvantage because it annoyed me and out of the blue I don't see why you'd have to chill with your ex...pointless relationship no matter what anybody says or how platonic it is...unless you get back together. Rare exceptions yes. To me this guy dumped her while she still had feelings for him. So, why not come back once or twice for a good lay? Who knows, I'm going to let the ball bounce where it may.
billybadass36 Posted August 18, 2004 Posted August 18, 2004 Dude, I feel your pain. My present girlfriend ended an 18 month. long-distance relationship, with some dude. Well, he finds out she has a new boyfriend like 5 months after they broke up and this clown calls her like weekly telling her s..t like "I can't think of you f---ing someone else...I still have feelings for you...etc..." Well, my gf tells me whenever he called. She NEVER picked up the phone when he called when I was there (seriously, we spend like every free moment together). She would then explain to me what he said, etc. I finally explained to her how it made me feel, and she nipped it in the bud. I'm totally not worried about her cheating on me...I mean real early in our relationship I had cause for concern due to some unrelated events (pretty much just her testing the boundaries or some such b.s.), but now I trust her completely. The phone calls, though, had to stop. It was obvious this guy still had feelings for her, and I was tired of thinking about it. So, I pulled the, "Something's been bothering me, and I just want you to know how I feel about it....I'm uncomfortable when...." Had she not taken those cues and made it come to an end, I'd have simply broken it off because I wouldn't have let circumstances like that occur from my end...or maybe he's still calling and she just doesn't tell me about it anymore...As Keats says perhaps "ignorance is bliss". In any event, she cared enough to make me feel better about it.
shamen Posted August 18, 2004 Posted August 18, 2004 Matius, I rechecked the very beginning of your post. These guys (your gf and her ex) have been broken up for several years, right? So, it's been a long time. There is a big difference in being friends with an ex who is begging to have you back and an ex with whom you haven't been in a long time! Or even someone with whom you were with more recently and are trying to maintain a sense of normalcy. Lots of divorced people try to maintain some sort of a friendship, and why not? I would feel better knowing that someone I was with could maintain friendships with their exes than not. I'm not saying that I think that it's possible to be friends with all of your exes. I don't. But with some, yeah, it's possible. And no, it doesn't always mean that they still want to sleep together or that there are any feelings left. In regards to the article: I think that Doc Love is not someone to be trusted. Christ, making up conspiracy theories that all women who talk to men are looking to get in their pants, IMHO. The writer of the letter did not mention that his ex was begging him to get back together; Doc Love said it, that that was what she was trying to do by continuing to talk to him. He doesn't know her; what a bunch of crap.
Author matius Posted August 18, 2004 Author Posted August 18, 2004 Shamen - That's fine, I've dropped it my end... Do you think I f***ked things up between us by talking to her about it. I guess that can't even be answered, just depends on the person.
shamen Posted August 18, 2004 Posted August 18, 2004 I would think that you didn't. I would imagine that most women are happy when a man talks to us calmly, rationally and logically about issues in the relationship. Obviously I'm not her, but I would have no problems addressing a concern of a bf over the ex that I continue to be friends with. None whatsoever. I understand that it's hard for a lot of people to understand, even though we dated 9 years ago. I make sure that bfs meet him and talk to him, etc. I never hide the fact that we are friends.
Author matius Posted August 18, 2004 Author Posted August 18, 2004 Thank you, that makes me feel better. I told her a few reasons why it bothered me and tried to talk it out. I just figured that it would bother the hell out of me If I held it in. And if I told her and she thought I was pathetic for mentioning it then we weren't right for each other. If she could live with my response maybe that means she's caring/understanding. Plus I learned a lesson for the future.
savethedrama4allama Posted August 19, 2004 Posted August 19, 2004 Matius, I don't think that you can ever f__K thinks up in a relationship by telling your girlfriend how you feel. Sounds to me that you showed vulnerability, not low self-worth or insecurity. There is a big difference. In life, a lot of bad things are going to happen. If you two are together for a long period of time, you are both going to have vulnerable stages and thats okay. You should be proud that you shared yourself with her regarding this topic. If you didn't, how would you two get through life's tough times together? Losing your job, heaven forbid losing a child...stuff like that, you must learn to share and rely upon eachother. Overall, I say a job well done, and I hope that she behaves herself and all works out well for you.
Author matius Posted August 19, 2004 Author Posted August 19, 2004 THANKS! I appreciate that very much... Just so you know things are well and I feel like I've grown a little bit.
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