matius Posted August 16, 2004 Posted August 16, 2004 Well, turns out that her ex is in town and they're going to get together. I think they went out for a while and he dumped her for another. Ok fine, but my question is why? I think it's been a few years since they broke it off but, I've never had a friendly break-up so I couldn't see having a friendship with an ex. To me it would be because I'd like to somehow give it another shot or create the same feelings I once had. So I say why see them? To start a new friendship? To start a new something? I don't feel jealous, but I do feel a little something...can anyone tell me how to care less that this is happening? Or tell me why you might see an old flame? Is it disrespectful for her to go out with him now? Thanks-
kellydontwanttasleep Posted August 16, 2004 Posted August 16, 2004 i'm friends with all my ex's and i never would f*** around with them if i was serious with someone eles. give her some trust dude or she will dump you fast.
surfergirl Posted August 16, 2004 Posted August 16, 2004 It all boils down to trust. Do you trust her with him? I have been in long term relationships (9 years) and I have remained friends with my ex. I will always be there for him, however, I'm not "in love" with him and never will be again. She may always love him but the question is "Is she still in love with him?" If not and you trust her there should be no difference than any other male friend? The past is the past for a reason and put it there. Don't live on the "what if's" because life is too short. If you trust her then trust her completely. Good Luck!!!
Author matius Posted August 16, 2004 Author Posted August 16, 2004 I think there is always other motives in this type of situation unless the relationship was stupid or completely insignificant from the beginning. I think my concerns are reasonable. I do trust her, but I don't see the point in carrying on a relationship that isn't going to work to begin with. A very small % of friendships with exes work out. You may be one of the 'lucky' ones, but there are always ill feelings and people trying to get a piece. It's easy. Trust. Yeah, I do trust her. But should I just shut-up when something bothers me and not voice my concern? I guess my value has gone down for even bringing it up but I just couldn't understand...I thought it wasn't cool.
kellydontwanttasleep Posted August 16, 2004 Posted August 16, 2004 go ahead and talk to her about it and you can show her that your really a jealous, possessive freak. i'm sure that will be plenty attractive to her. wow you know how to keep a girl.
surfergirl Posted August 16, 2004 Posted August 16, 2004 Settle down boy. Sounds to me like you are trying to control her. Choose who she spends her time with etc.. If the tables were turned and it was completely harmless - how would you feel? Being in a controlling relationship is not healthy.
Author matius Posted August 16, 2004 Author Posted August 16, 2004 How in anyway am I trying to control her? I just voiced my opinion that I was a little uncomfortable with the fact that she wanted to go out with her ex-boyfriend, who she liked very much and was dumped by. After she explained what was going on I said cool, have a great time. Excuse the f***k out of me...
Author matius Posted August 16, 2004 Author Posted August 16, 2004 kellydontwanttasleep - I think you're dead wrong by the way. I'm not jealous of this cat, nor am I possessive. I might have a trust issue that needs to be worked out, but I'm not psycho. I'm sure your ex-boyfriends are just trying to either a) get a piece or b) you're really wicked funny and cool. If either of you had a boyfriend who started seeing his ex again and hanging out, I am for f***ken sure you too would be a little curious. Think about it.
Fritz Posted August 17, 2004 Posted August 17, 2004 Originally posted by matius How in anyway am I trying to control her? I just voiced my opinion that I was a little uncomfortable with the fact that she wanted to go out with her ex-boyfriend, who she liked very much and was dumped by. After she explained what was going on I said cool, have a great time. Excuse the f***k out of me... Sounds ok then. Ultimately, you really can't do much anyway and you don't want to control her. This is just something to keep an eye on and not let it bother you too much unless it starts getting ultra suspicious.
tanbark813 Posted August 17, 2004 Posted August 17, 2004 You're not a control freak for being uncomfortable with your gf hanging out with an ex. It's more of a respect thing than a trust thing. Girls like kellydontwanttasleep will tell you you're being possessive, but they're also the same girls who would throw a s*** fit if you wanted to hang out with your ex. You're well within your rights as a boyfriend to say that you're not comfortable with it, then it's up to her to decide what to do. A good gf will either decide it's not worth it to see him, or invite you along. Or at the very least, she'll take the time to show you that you have nothing to worry about. If she gets all defensive and accuses you of being possessive, then chances are you're justified in your feelings and she's just trying to move the blame to someone else so she can do what she wants. Lastly, if you voice your concerns and she dumps you for them, then you're better off anyway. A big part of relationships is setting and respecting boundaries.
billybadass36 Posted August 17, 2004 Posted August 17, 2004 Ditto all that. In no way are you being possessive if you're simply sharing your feelings about the situation. If the woman you're with gives half a s..t about the way you feel and your uncomfortableness (is that a word?) with the situation, then she'll do something to make you feel better about it. Being "controlling" like these women like to brand you is setting ultimatums and telling her what she can and can't do. Don't do that. That would be sh.tty and "controlling". Just be like, "I want to be honest with you about the way I feel about the situation, and I feel like [fill in the blank]". There's no way a woman can complain abou her man "sharing his feelings with her".
faux Posted August 17, 2004 Posted August 17, 2004 Originally posted by matius Well, turns out that her ex is in town and they're going to get together. I think they went out for a while and he dumped her for another. Ok fine, but my question is why? I think it's been a few years since they broke it off but, I've never had a friendly break-up so I couldn't see having a friendship with an ex. To me it would be because I'd like to somehow give it another shot or create the same feelings I once had. A few years is long enough to try out a friendship. Simply because you have never had a friendly break up, does not mean that there is no such thing. I have never been to France, but it probably exists. You might find that, after months or years go by, you will not be interested in trying things out again with most exes. I am friends with some exes, and they are quite good friends. I've no romantic interest in them at all any longer. So I say why see them? To start a new friendship? To start a new something? Who better than to try a friendship with, than someone you were able to connect with in your past, when you were a slightly different person? If you want to know why this is happening, shouldn't you be asking your girlfriend? I don't feel jealous, Really. but I do feel a little something...can anyone tell me how to care less that this is happening? Or tell me why you might see an old flame? Sometimes people, who connected somehow in the past, try to be friends. Ever run into anyone from high school who never spoke to you? You bump into them, and they remember you, and that encounter can sometimes lead to a new friendship with someone you never thought you'd have one with. The same thing may apply here in certain ways. She has a past with this person, and quite some time has gone by. It is possible to be friends with an ex. Is it disrespectful for her to go out with him now? Do you think it is disrespectful? Do you think it is right for you to pick and choose your girlfriend's friends? I think it would be better if you discussed these issues with your girlfriend; No one other than she can tell you what is happening. Originally posted by matius ...I'm not jealous of this cat, nor am I possessive. I might have a trust issue that needs to be worked out, but I'm not psycho. You are jealous, else you would not have had any concern over this, I should think. Trust issues go hand in hand with jealousy. If there are trust issues to be worked out, then your relationship may be in danger here. I agree that you do not appear to be a psycho. ...If either of you had a boyfriend who started seeing his ex again and hanging out, I am for f***ken sure you too would be a little curious. Think about it. Well, I have a girlfriend who on occasion will stay at her ex's house overnight when she is traveling. I trust her to do what is right. If she wants to hang out with her girl friend who lives with him, then she can do that. It would be wrong of me to get worked up simply because her ex is there. He's actually a pretty nifty guy to tell the truth.
surfergirl Posted August 17, 2004 Posted August 17, 2004 Ooohhh did I hit a nerve? Seems like you are the one getting defensive? I said it "sounds" like you are trying to control her not that you actually are!!! Since I have been in long term realtionships (9 years married) and for your info we split because my ex couldn't handle being a father....anyway you need to chill out and give her some space because if something were to happen between them it will happen anyway. You stressing out about it is only making you crazy. Some people are just good hearted and care about other people including an ex without having some sort of "motive" behind it. Just something to think about.
Author matius Posted August 17, 2004 Author Posted August 17, 2004 I'm not jealous of these two faux. Good points... It's the concept and idea that bothered me. I've had a couple relationships end in the exact same manner, so I felt the same feelings rushing back.
Author matius Posted August 17, 2004 Author Posted August 17, 2004 Ooohhh did I hit a nerve? Not so much. I admit it's my problem, but I didn't feel jealousy...I felt anxiety.
shamen Posted August 17, 2004 Posted August 17, 2004 Hey Matius, I too have an ex with whom I'm quite good friends. We dated 9 years ago. We hang out fairly regularly and I just helped him move. There's absolutely nothing there. I still can't even believe that we ever dated! So, it is indeed quite possible that it's completely nothing to worry about, and it probably isn't. But, if you feel strange about it, just talk to her. She should be able to make you feel comfortable about the situation. I have had to explain my friendship with this man on several occasions, and did not feel bad about explaining it. However, I don't know that you should ask her to not see him; that's a little far out there. Admittedly, I have introduced him to all of the bfs that I've had since. There's nothing to hide.
Author matius Posted August 17, 2004 Author Posted August 17, 2004 I lied. The definition of jealous is Fearful or wary of being supplanted; apprehensive of losing affection or position. So, I guess in that respect I was. However, my feelings stemmed from similar circumstances in the past, something I need to work on. I never said not to go with the guy. On the contrary, I said go and have a good time but I was bothered... I didn't care about what the guy offered to her, I meant to say I didn't feel jealous of him/her in any way. Maybe with the situation though...does that make any sense to you? If she can understand I'm working through some crap, then we might have something going for us. If not I'll take my lesson with me...
surfergirl Posted August 17, 2004 Posted August 17, 2004 I'm speaking from experience. My ex wanted me home with our baby while he went and did his thing. He made me feel guilty when I wanted to visit with friends...saying I had other "motives" as well. That's one reason he is no longer around. I never did anything to make him distrust me and as a result of "his" problem he drove a wedge in our relationship. If you truly love her and care about her be very careful how you approach this..... Not everyone is an angel but there are some of us out there, mayber her too, who don't have "motives". Good luck. ......and my ex and I are best friends - he calls me with problems with his current girlfriend and I listen - I'm wishing the best for him 'cause he's not coming home again
Author matius Posted August 17, 2004 Author Posted August 17, 2004 I understand surfergirl, I really do. It's my problem and I owned up to it. I didn't tell her that she had other motives and I was never mad at her... Simply put, I had some problems in the past and haven't yet shaken them. That's all I could do is talk to her about it. If it's a problem for her, I guess I'll cut my losses and move on... But if she understands, again, we may have something.
surfergirl Posted August 17, 2004 Posted August 17, 2004 Let us know how it's going..... hang in there
savethedrama4allama Posted August 17, 2004 Posted August 17, 2004 I think there is a difference between lack of trust and desiring respect. It sounds to me like you trust her matius, but you would like her to respect your (normal) feelings of discomfort and stay away from an ex. To be controlling would be to flat out tell her no, or to make her life difficult if she does hang out with the ex. But to tell her "hey, I feel uncomfortable..." I think that is very mature and understandable. After all, there are plenty of people in the world you HAVEN'T slept with to be friends with. People have varying opinions on this topic, none are right or wrong, what is important is that you align with your partner on the matter. I hope that you two can come to a compromise.
Author matius Posted August 17, 2004 Author Posted August 17, 2004 savethedrama4yrmama > Great nick, great post. That's why it's difficult trying to respond to Faux's post. On one hand, I do trust her and I don't feel jealous of them. But on the other hand, the definition of jealousy seems to fit. It's just that the discomfort exists from the past, and obviously I am still having trouble maintainin or better yet, extracting those feelings altogether. Thanks for your post, I agree with you.
billybadass36 Posted August 17, 2004 Posted August 17, 2004 I agree with the "there's lots of people she hasn't slept with to be friends with". Being friends with someone that she's obviously been physically and emotionally intimate with would bother ANYONE. Regardless of how innocent their intentions are, lying beneath the surface will always be the fact that these two people were physically intimate with each other. That, in my opinion, is an awkward situation for the current boyfriend to handle. I, for one, would not want to make my girlfriend feel uncomfortable by hanging out with my ex-girlfriends. Maybe some people are just more empathetic than others. Typically I don't do things that I know will upset my girlfriend. Her feelings generally come first, and I shy away from situations that might offend or hurt her. It's a VERY small price to pay to avoid any "issues" that may crop up. But, again, that's just me. Side note: It seems like it's always the females in the relationship that insist upon keeping their exes in the picture as "just friends". And, like was said earlier in this thread, they're the same ones that would be busting your balls if you kept lurking around your exgirlfriends. Double standard much? Yeah, I think so. It's always funny that in these situations it's the guy that's "controlling", but if the table was turned, the guy would be labelled insensitive, an attention whore, or worse yet, a flat-out cheater. Redonkulous.
tanbark813 Posted August 17, 2004 Posted August 17, 2004 Originally posted by billybadass36 It's always funny that in these situations it's the guy that's "controlling", but if the table was turned, the guy would be labelled insensitive, an attention whore, or worse yet, a flat-out cheater. Redonkulous. I couldn't agree more.
surfergirl Posted August 17, 2004 Posted August 17, 2004 Billybadass36, I think that depends on the maturity level of those involved.
Recommended Posts