The "Why does she get treated better than I did?" question

[christine07]

OR does she? I can not figure it out. The same old question I know, but It seriously gets to me more than anything else about my ex.

 

the over view about my ex so you can gain some knowledge before I ask my question!

I dated my ex for 3 years, his ex gf cheated on him and he was devastated and when we started dating he kept talking to her, so I never trusted him, Ever. (RED FLAG I KNOW) I tried to break up with him over it several times before I got really invested but he always manipulated the situation and pulled me back in. We fought a lot about this because I always thought he was talking to other girls. Well, as it turns out he dumped me for his current GF who he was talking to the last 9 months of our relationship. It was an awful break up, yet him and I kept in contact for these past 4 years, talking, texting. I was resentful (when drinking) and often would bitch about stuff/the past/ his new GF to him via text causing him to block my number. (I know completely failed the NC in many ways) Plus this is all happening while his is still with her.

Then we saw each other started to hang out and slept with one another, he cheated on her with me! Never told her. And a year later saw me again, and answered my texts and gave me the impression he wanted to sleep with me, flirty texts and even said it in a joking way...

 

I can not figure out if he has always felt sorry for me for what he did and that is why he keeps in contact with me? Or what?

 

FAST FORWARD TO NOW

He treats his current better than he treated me. I know it may not seem like it since he talks to me and cheated on her with me... but its little things. like he takes her places and on trips, he buys her nice thoughtful gifts, hangs out with her family etc. Things I never got from him that I always wanted. Basically the stuff I always wanted from him he gives to her completely. Maybe he does this or it looks like it because she trusts him blindly and never gets upset with him?

When I have asked him about why he just says "different time, I'm in a different place now" I'm like oh.. so now your not a jerk anymore? (but hes not! cuz he still talks to me and cheats on his current GF!)

 

Anyways I could really use any thoughts. I know I need to stop contact with him, it just more complicated then the normal person.. my friend is marrying his twin (not identical) brother..

 

I'd really like to hear thoughts, constructive criticism, and a guys perspective to any of this messed up story. I just really want to know why she seems so oblivious to his crap.

[Gottabestrong]

You don't know that she is oblivious, maybe they fight all the time.

 

And nobody can ask your question about the better treatment but him.

 

In my opinion the only thing that matters though is that he is a guy who cheated on you, dumped you and then used you for sex while staying with his current girlfriend.

 

He obviously does not love you, so please, do yourself a favor and cut all contact with him and stay away. You have been broken up for 4 years and he is still in your life? Sounds to me like you have wasted a lot of time and energy on someone who does not deserve it. Don't waste any more on him.

[christine07]

Thanks for the advice! To answer some points:

 

Yes I know he has told me when I ask about it that "We have our ups and downs like any couple, and pictures are suppose to look happy" So I guess that answers it for me. But he is so manipulative and has often told me he likes "messing with me". So he could just be saying that to sting me along....Disgusting right??

 

Agreed, I have wasted a lot of time on him, more that he EVER deserves, and in a sick way I think he really enjoys it... I guess its because I have never gotten my closure. Through out my time knowing and dating him he has always been an enigma to me, I think that's why I continue to question everything about him because honestly I don't think I ever really knew the real him (he is a compulsive liar, witnessed this multiple times) and need to just accept that I never will.

 

I know, its crazy that I'm stuck on this 4 years later, I really hate myself for it. When I think about it I get so upset with myself, he wasn't that great so why dwell on it? because I tried so hard to make us work and it seems so easy for him and his currrent GF now..to me he seems great to her, which keeps me saying "not Fair". But as you stated, yes, who's to really know... nobody but the two ppl in the relationship, and even asking him isn't worth it since he wont give me a straight answer ever. In some ways I feel really bad for his current GF because I know what its like to be with him. Alone it seems like your the only person in the world to him, but when your not together, hes off seeing his ex gf, texting her, and plain fooling around (based on what I do know about him)... thats what drove me insane!! She obviously trusts him for some odd reason.

 

But seriously.. he is her problem now. I just need to keep reminding myself of that.

[Hopeful714]

When I was "the new girl" and blind to his ways, yes I was treated great too. I was trusting and never caused waves..so yes I got the royal treatment and received his best.

 

It wasn't until my eyes began to open and I started to see what was REALLY going on that things turned bad. I began to question, and he didn't like that. He wanted his cake and eat it too with other girls..just like your guy.

 

Right now this new girl of his has no idea. She's most likely all happy with her new found "great man". Do her a favor and drop a hint her way....you will see how things will change very quickly.

 

And for you, move on. This guy loves the attention he's getting from you and is using you. He's trash....kick him to the curb.

[christine07]

Thanks!

 

Yes you know what I mean then! I asked him why its different with her and he said "its just easier with her, shes easy to be with" which translates to me as she never causes waves...

 

He has been with her for about 3.5 years now and she still as in love with him as the very first day (again it all comes from her posts/pictures of them never from his end) so it seems. I know I shouldn't look at those but idle hands are the devils play ground.. that's why I am on here.. lol.

 

I have thought many many times about dropping hints to her or emailing her all our phone texts and pictures he sent me and telling her he slept with me... but I wouldn't know what to write/say or even if I'm that type of person who would do something like that. Plus then my friend would find out who is dating is brother and hate me also! Plus she wouldn't believe me.. she is far to in love with him. I'm also very positive he would lie to her and twist it, from what I have learned he can get out of any situation (even cheating on someone) by using his words, which is terrifying!

 

Quite honestly I'm really thinking about getting help for this, something like this should not be affecting me still this badly 4 years later.

[Simon Phoenix]

I really don't see why she is your concern at all. Your concern is to back yourself away from communication from this guy, because after four years you clearly haven't completely moved forward from him. But yeah, but how he treats her is of no concern to you. It's none of your business and should have no effect on your life whatsoever. You are wondering about her to keep him in your mind.

[OJ loved Nicole]

He treats his current better than he treated me.

 

he talks to me and cheated on her with me... but its little things. like he takes her places and on trips, he buys her nice thoughtful gifts, hangs out with her family etc.

 

-You think she's got the better end of the stick?

-How much will those "little things" mean to her when she finds out about his cheating ways?

-You think you're the only one he's cheating with?

 

He'll continue to cheat on her, the next girl, and you (if you go back). I sense very low self confidence from you. A healthy woman would take one sniff of this dog and run the opposite way!

[christine07]

You are absolutely right!

Its not so much that I'm concerned about her. It more of a why question involving HIM and his actions. Like he turned off the 'best BF button' with me, and switched it back on for her? It's like he took a list when we dated of all the time he said 'no' to the fun trips, picnics, events, gifts, and dreams that I planned to do with him and is rattling them off on her..its ridiculous and hurts to see my list being done with out me! Sorta like, well I was an dick before and messed up, lets not do it to this one.. again not fair! but that's life.

 

but from her photos/post is the only way I get see the relationship.. so yes of course it will look magical from the perspective of a girl who's life revolves (again post photos talking wise) around him. Honestly he never posts, or talks much about his GF on his public forums.. my only determination that she is "treated better" is from what she posts, and of course that will be rainbows and sunshine...

 

must move on though, I am stopping myself from it.. need to get over it Thanks for the advice.

[christine07]

-

 

He'll continue to cheat on her, the next girl, and you (if you go back). I sense very low self confidence from you. A healthy woman would take one sniff of this dog and run the opposite way!

 

Its funny you mentioned that low self confidence because before I met him I was that girl that wasn't ya know, super skinny, but in no way over weight, but extremely active and my confidence was insanely through the roof! After 4 months of dating him I became this mousey person and always worked out and started to look sickly! He was the type of guy to comment on a girls weight, like lift up my friend who weighs 110 pounds spin her around, put her down look at you and say "I could never do that with you".. What a dick! Your right I have realized more over the years what a dog he is, he has become a bigger dog with the reinforcements, comments, and advice I have received these past years. So thank you for reminding me again!!

 

PS my confidence still hasn't fully recovered but it get higher every day

[Radu]

You really think his twin doesn't know what he's up to ?

There's a small chance that the twin's gf also knows what he's up to.

 

Take stock of what proof you have, and if it's good proof ... i would personally blow the lid on this *******.

Post his profile on those player sites too with phone number and everything.

 

Your choice is between keeping up appearance at the cost of you and his victim gf, or to be honest and give her an honest chance of breaking free.

**** appearances.

[christine07]

Yes I'm not sure if the twin knows how messed up his brother is and even if he did he wouldn't care( family and all) I do know that he tolerates is brothers GF , meaning he doesn't like her much. My friend also finally understands what I have been through with her BFs twin brother and believes he is truly a jerk to girls but can't really say much since its her BFs family, and he'd get super defensive. Its just nice to hear her finally FINALLY realize and understands my pain.

 

 

What are player sites? Lol I've never heard of those!

 

I don't know.... it really is awful that for their entire relationship he has been seeing and texting back and fourth with me... I guess if I ever get super pissed I'll blow the lid off.. I just have no idea how to prove it to someone who seems so blind to it...

[Shim_kattty]

Sounds almost identical to my situation. Me & my ex broke up in July & he started dating this girl in September. Never bought me anything besides flowers & lunch or dinner like twice. The thing is I never minded until he had the AUDACITY to text me & ask me if I wanted to see the necklace he got his girl for Christmas in which case he doesn't even celebrate for religious reasons! Wth I was pissed. I did & was still doing everything for this kid. I spoiled the little bastard even though we argued towards the end but I tried to buy him WHATEVER he asked for. Now I understood he didn't work as many hours then as he does now but a gold necklace? C'mon. I was HIGHLY offended. Slept with him a few times & it felt great because I honestly think this girl knew I existed when she pursued my ex. But whatever. I initiated NC last week after 6 months because I couldn't take it anymore. Especially because he still talks to me like we're best friends & still asks me to run errands & such. Not anymore. Ask her. I am not a door mat & neither are you. He also told me he couldn't get over me but he HAS to for her sake. Umm if you were never over me, why did you break up with me in the first place. Smh. I don't understand.

[christine07]

Shim,

I know.. it completely sucks whos to know why they are nicer to some people then they ever were to us..

 

I felt like a door mat too when I was with him.... The thing that really pissed me off were all the presents he got his new GF this year.. like Channel and crap... I was like um wow... that's nice, all you ever got me was a card.

 

But whatever.. everything out of his mouth was a lie.. and I'm sure he got her great gifts to try to pay off all the guilt he has for lying to her so much.

[shalisha42]

Hi Christine. Stop analyzing him. You need to focus on your low self esteem. This guy did not do any of those things for you because although you say you wanted them, you didn't behave in ways that would make him want to do it. You said you were a doormat. He didn't respect you then and doesn't respect you now.

 

The fact that you're pining over him after he has cheated on you, cheated on her with you, and still sleep with him tells me you still think you deserve garbage.

 

Stop trying to figure him out and start focusing on building your self esteem.

[christine07]

Thanks for your comment, but I disagree with most of what you said. I said FELT like a door mat, not that I was one. I called him out on his crap and questions his lies. So that made me into a person who behaved wrong and therefor didn't deserve the correct treatment? So basically if I just sat there and was oblivious to his crap I could have gone on a trip with him... wow good advice to all women who have dated cheaters. Just ignore it.

 

And thank you for changing it around so it sounds like it way MY fault for him not believing I am deserving enough for special treatment (by the way I behaved, therefor didn't receive it). You talk about me having low self esteem.. what do you think that comment just did to it... Thanks a lot

Edited December 30, 2012 by christine07

[Simon Phoenix]

You need to stop worrying about this. It's not important. It's not your job to expose your ex or to wonder why he acted one way with you and not with someone else. You need to separate from this dude, get him out of your life.

[Sugarkane]

You really think his twin doesn't know what he's up to ?

There's a small chance that the twin's gf also knows what he's up to.

 

Take stock of what proof you have, and if it's good proof ... i would personally blow the lid on this *******.

Post his profile on those player sites too with phone number and everything.

 

Your choice is between keeping up appearance at the cost of you and his victim gf, or to be honest and give her an honest chance of breaking free.

**** appearances.

 

I don't know why people on here are always discouraged from doing this. Some people get off with hurting people on purpose and I think they deserve what they get- when they do this all the time. Coz you know these Aholes don't change.