Too Much, Too Soon

[iris219]

In terms of pace, I like to move fast when it comes to dating. I won’t do a once a week sort of relationship with anyone, but I also don’t need to be in constant contact with someone after two dates. There’s no need to text me ALL day with a rundown of where you’ve been, what you’re going to do, and how much you like me. Also, if he didn’t have responsibilities to his children, he’d probably want to see me all the time. Why is he doing this?

 

A little background: He is going through a separation. They’ve been separated for several months, but her stuff isn’t even completely moved out yet. It will be in the next couple of days. He seems super excited about this. He found out she had cheated off and on the entire relationship and says he just wants to be done with her. Since they have kids, that isn’t really a possibility though.

 

I know it would be best for him to be single for a while so he can figure out this new chapter in his life. I told him this and he said that’s what he intended to do and that he hadn’t meant to like me so much. We do click really well, which surprised me. I don’t have that natural sort of chemistry with many people, but I do with him.

 

I wish 1. His situation was different and 2. He would back off a little.

 

How to I tell someone their approach is too much, too soon? How do I proceed? I’m going to see him tomorrow. What should I say to him?

 

(I know there are probably too many red flags. Should I just end it or would slowing it down be sufficient?)

[Pyro]

He obviously can't deal with being alone, hence why he is getting very close with you so quickly.

 

You have to straight up tell him that you enjoy his company but you feel that things are moving quickly and that you need some breathing room.

 

Depending on the person some will get offended and some will not. IMO if he gets offended then that is a huge red flag. To me that shows neediness.

 

There is still time to make things better so I wouldn't end it until you see how he reacts/proceeds.

[iris219]

He obviously can't deal with being alone, hence why he is getting very close with you so quickly.

 

You have to straight up tell him that you enjoy his company but you feel that things are moving quickly and that you need some breathing room.

 

Depending on the person some will get offended and some will not. IMO if he gets offended then that is a huge red flag. To me that shows neediness.

 

There is still time to make things better so I wouldn't end it until you see how he reacts/proceeds.

 

I agree that he probably can't deal with being alone. He tried to make it work with his wife after he found out about the cheating even though he said he wasn't in love with her. This makes me think being alone for awhile would be good for him.

 

I'm also worried that he's clinging to the first available woman who showed interest in him, not one he really wants to be with.

[Pyro]

I agree that he probably can't deal with being alone. He tried to make it work with his wife after he found out about the cheating even though he said he wasn't in love with her. This makes me think being alone for awhile would be good for him.

 

I'm also worried that he's clinging to the first available woman who showed interest in him, not one he really wants to be with.

 

Being alone would probably be good for him, but at the same time you say that there is chemistry between the two of you.

 

Talk to him first and see how he reacts.

[Cutiepie1976]

Unfortunately, you are his rebound. He suddenly has this massive void of loneliness where his spouse and married life were that he needs filled. Right now, he needs someone...anyone...there. It's not really about you even though the connection feels so amazing. His behavior is classic of anyone in the midst of divorce. It will be quite the rollercoaster if you stay. In short order, should you stay, the charm and intensity will abruptly evaporate, and he will tell you it is all too much, too soon, and he can't continue.

 

I'm sorry, but you're in for an emotionally draining and traumatic journey, a lot of confusion from mixed signals, and an abrupt and very painful end, if you become emotionally invested.

 

I'm sure that's not what you wanted to hear, but it is what it is. Good luck!

[coffeebean201]

I would say

"I really like you, but you are smothering me with all these messages"

 

And then decide how much you want to see him, if at all.

 

But he needs to know he is clingy, so he doesn't make that same mistake with someone else. He is coming from a relationship, not a dating background.

[iris219]

Unfortunately, you are his rebound. He suddenly has this massive void of loneliness where his spouse and married life were that he needs filled. Right now, he needs someone...anyone...there. It's not really about you even though the connection feels so amazing. His behavior is classic of anyone in the midst of divorce. It will be quite the rollercoaster if you stay. In short order, should you stay, the charm and intensity will abruptly evaporate, and he will tell you it is all too much, too soon, and he can't continue.

 

I'm sorry, but you're in for an emotionally draining and traumatic journey, a lot of confusion from mixed signals, and an abrupt and very painful end, if you become emotionally invested.

 

I'm sure that's not what you wanted to hear, but it is what it is. Good luck!

 

This is my biggest fear.

 

I want to talk to him about this, but I'm not sure he realizes I'm a rebound. I'm sure he'd simply deny it because he isn't able to see his behavior for what it is.

 

He told me his marriage has been over for years. I wonder if that makes a difference?

 

I'm tempted to call the whole thing off entirely.

[xxoo]

I would say

"I really like you, but you are smothering me with all these messages"

 

And then decide how much you want to see him, if at all.

 

That's what I would do.

 

If you have chemistry, I wouldn't immediately break it off. But you can control the pace, and keep him at arm's length until you feel comfortable with more.

 

For one thing, I'd personally want there to be some distance between the finalization of divorce and beginning a relationship. You can tell him you want to keep things casual until the dust has settled from his last relationship.

[Ruby Slippers]

I don't date married/separated men at all. A separated guy is still legally bound to another woman.

 

If I were in your situation, I'd tell him to give me a call a year after the divorce goes through. It's unlikely either of you will still be single by then, but you never know. The point is, I wouldn't bother.

[EasyHeart]

Yup, you're the rebound. This is about as classic a case as I can imagine.

 

Call it off or you're going to get hurt. He'll use you as his support until he feels more confident, then he's going to suddenly want to "see what's out there".

 

Tell him to call you in 6-12 months if he's still interested. If there is a real connection between you two, it will still be there in a year. No contact for that whole time. Don't let him sucker you into being his support system.

[tigressA]

In college I was a rebound for a guy who'd just gotten out of a long-term relationship where his ex had cheated and left him for the other man. Great connection, etc etc, like what you were saying in your OP Iris, and then...exactly like Cutiepie1976 said. Textbook implosion.

 

Not worth it.

[iris219]

I don't date married/separated men at all. A separated guy is still legally bound to another woman.

 

If I were in your situation, I'd tell him to give me a call a year after the divorce goes through. It's unlikely either of you will still be single by then, but you never know. The point is, I wouldn't bother.

 

I feel the same way--I mean he is technically married and that makes me uncomfortable.

 

I'm sure I'll still be single in a year.

 

Yup, you're the rebound. This is about as classic a case as I can imagine.

 

Call it off or you're going to get hurt. He'll use you as his support until he feels more confident, then he's going to suddenly want to "see what's out there".

 

Tell him to call you in 6-12 months if he's still interested. If there is a real connection between you two, it will still be there in a year. No contact for that whole time. Don't let him sucker you into being his support system.

 

In college I was a rebound for a guy who'd just gotten out of a long-term relationship where his ex had cheated and left him for the other man. Great connection, etc etc, like what you were saying in your OP Iris, and then...exactly like Cutiepie1976 said. Textbook implosion.

 

Not worth it.

 

Ugh. This is depressing.

 

Also, we can't go no contact, but I can try to avoid him.

 

I never meet anyone I like, so this is going to be hard to break off. I know I like him because things that would normally bother me don't. He’s younger than me and I prefer to date older men, but his age doesn't bother me. I don’t mind dating men with kids, but I find I’m usually apprehensive about it or bored with discussions of them, yet I’m actually interested in hearing about his children. He’s a really cute guy, but in terms of style, there are few things I wouldn’t normally be attracted to, but I am with him. It’s weird. This sucks. I have the worst luck.

[EasyHeart]

Sorry!!!

 

::hugs

[Cutiepie1976]

I don't date married/separated men at all. A separated guy is still legally bound to another woman.

 

If I were in your situation, I'd tell him to give me a call a year after the divorce goes through. It's unlikely either of you will still be single by then, but you never know. The point is, I wouldn't bother.

 

Yup! I actually take it a couple of steps further. I won't be a divorced guy's first relationship. I also won't date a guy who is within a year or two of the finalized date of his divorce. I hate to seem cynical, but they all use the same lines..."marriage dead for years," "stayed for the kids," blah blah, blah. I don't think they deliberately set out to hurt anyone. It just is what it is. And once they get through their rebound, they'll want to explore and see what's out there. The only exceptions I've seen to this have been affair partners.

 

There are other decent men out there. Men who are closer to where I am in my life and more likely to give me what I need. It's not worth it to risk my heart in the hope that I might get lucky and be an exception. I'll play Powerball or bet the house In Vegas (and I believe in neither) before I get emotionally involved with a separated guy. Those have better odds. Sorry Iris.

[Cutiepie1976]

I feel the same way--I mean he is technically married and that makes me uncomfortable.

 

I'm sure I'll still be single in a year.

 

 

 

 

 

Ugh. This is depressing.

 

Also, we can't go no contact, but I can try to avoid him.

 

I never meet anyone I like, so this is going to be hard to break off. I know I like him because things that would normally bother me don't. He’s younger than me and I prefer to date older men, but his age doesn't bother me. I don’t mind dating men with kids, but I find I’m usually apprehensive about it or bored with discussions of them, yet I’m actually interested in hearing about his children. He’s a really cute guy, but in terms of style, there are few things I wouldn’t normally be attracted to, but I am with him. It’s weird. This sucks. I have the worst luck.

 

It happens. Part of why none of these things bother you is because of the intensity of the experience he's creating in his interactions with you. Unfortunately, down the road you will feel like you went through the spin cycle in a washer.

 

There'll be other guys. There always are. Never pick someone just because you feel you have no other options. You'll make poor choices when you do this.

[iris219]

Now I'm not even looking forward to our date tomorrow. We are getting brunch and then we're supposed to spend the day together.

 

I think brunch will be it and I will tell him we can't see each other anymore, at least not romantically. Is it a dumb idea to see each other occasionally as friends?

[Cutiepie1976]

Yes! I normally don't believe in no contact. This is absolutely one scenario where you cut all ties when you end things. Otherwise, you'll be sucked right back into the vortex of the tornado.

 

Sorry.

[Ruby Slippers]

I never meet anyone I like, so this is going to be hard to break off.

Settling for crumbs should be a wakeup call that tells you it's time to quit whining and get creative. Believe me, I've been there!!

 

Also, the only reason you feel so much "chemistry" with this guy is he's desperate for a lifeboat (you) and is pulling out all the stops to flatter you and win you over to his cause. He's probably not even doing this consciously, but it's happening.

 

I told you this a long time ago, and it's only become more obvious - you need to mix it up, travel, get out of that little town and find yourself some MEN. Even if all you do is take a couple of little trips and have some spontaneous dates on your travels, DO IT. The rush will motivate you to get yourself out of this dating funk.

[xxoo]

Also, the only reason you feel so much "chemistry" with this guy is he's desperate for a lifeboat (you) and is pulling out all the stops to flatter you and win you over to his cause. He's probably not even doing this consciously, but it's happening.

 

Ruby's right about this. The feelings you are describing sound like the reasons "other women" stay in affairs with married men--many of whom who initially described themselves as separated

 

Once he is off the divorce roller coaster, he might experience a very different level of interest in a new relationship.

[iris219]

Settling for crumbs should be a wakeup call that tells you it's time to quit whining and get creative. Believe me, I've been there!!

 

Also, the only reason you feel so much "chemistry" with this guy is he's desperate for a lifeboat (you) and is pulling out all the stops to flatter you and win you over to his cause. He's probably not even doing this consciously, but it's happening.

 

I told you this a long time ago, and it's only become more obvious - you need to mix it up, travel, get out of that little town and find yourself some MEN. Even if all you do is take a couple of little trips and have some spontaneous dates on your travels, DO IT. The rush will motivate you to get yourself out of this dating funk.

 

I agree with the bolded. That's a really good way to explain what's happening. I'm not used to meeting men period, so to meet one who's smart, attractive, kind, and interested in me, it's hard to not get sucked in.

 

I do travel. I just spent several days in a major city and attended a huge Christmas party. There were no single men. I think I'm cursed.

 

I need to talk to him tomorrow at brunch. I don't know how to bring it up. I don't think he's anticipating a serious conversation and it's going to ruin his day for sure. He seems genuine in so many ways. I know he's had a crush on me for awhile and it was a big step for him to ask me out.

[iris219]

Ruby's right about this. The feelings you are describing sound like the reasons "other women" stay in affairs with married men--many of whom who initially described themselves as separated

 

Once he is off the divorce roller coaster, he might experience a very different level of interest in a new relationship.

 

I know you guys are right. And I'm going to do the right thing and break it off.

 

Even if he doesn't decide he needs to be single for awhile, I won't be able to enjoy being with him because I'll always be in self-preservation mode; I'll always worry that I'm just a rebound.

[edgygirl]

After I separated, I tried to start dating after a few months and I swore to myself each and every time that I was ready to love again. Looking back today I can see I was a train wreck and it would never have worked.

 

Sorry for you. It's the right thing to do. He will be there in 6 months.

Good luck tomorrow let us know how it went.

[Ruby Slippers]

I know you guys are right. And I'm going to do the right thing and break it off.

 

Even if he doesn't decide he needs to be single for awhile, I won't be able to enjoy being with him because I'll always be in self-preservation mode; I'll always worry that I'm just a rebound.

Good. Here's the thing - if he's the guy for you, he can wait until he recovers from his divorce before dating you. If he really felt all this chemistry he's talking about, he won't forget it anytime soon.

[Ruby Slippers]

How did it go?

[iris219]

How did it go?

 

It went well. Thanks for asking.

 

We had a fun day, but I was thinking about the responses here so talking to him wasn't hard at all. I told him my concerns.

 

He agreed that he didn't want me to be a rebound. He sees potential for a relationship but knows he's not a place in his life right now to make the best decisions.

 

We decided to not cut off contact entirely, but there will be no physical contact (we've only kissed once anyway). I'll see how minimal contact goes and if I can't handle it, I'll go no contact.