Heartbroken over a short relationship, is it possible?

[Divasu]

Do you think being sad over the ending of a short relationship is moreso about a bruised ego? Because logically, how can you 'grieve' over the loss of something/someone when/if it was short lived?

 

Some suggest that moving past it is more about you ('us'), not the other person. Having said that, why is it that some relationships have more of an impact on us versus others?

 

If you reflect back on some of your 'relationships' at what point were you able to reach a stage of indifference?

Edited December 29, 2012 by Divasu
spelling

[Divasu]

Thank you for sharing your experience LittleMissLonely...

 

So I guess in your example, that would classify as a short-term 'relationship' (you said it 'started' in May)?

 

In fact, I think in some cases it hurts worse because you didn't even get a fair chance to get to know each other

 

I'm glad you mentioned the above. Here's what I came across when looking up the topic:

 

As in the beginnings of many relationships, hope and hormones are at high levels. There is little time to build a history of fights and difficulties. Consequently, rejection can feel deep and more acute. After all, a person has been rejected long before his or her self has been fully expressed. A common complaint is that a person feels that they haven’t been given a fair chance. The rejected person thinks, “If I’ve been turned down before they knew my very private issues, then I must really not be very acceptable.”

 

As I've peeled back the 'layers', the above rings true for me. I thought I would share it in the hopes that myself and others can make better sense of it more logically.

[na49]

I don't know how much the length of the relationship really matters if you are into that person. You tell yourself that the person you are with is perfect and that you love them. They usually tell you the same things. So when it's over, it hurts whether it's a year or a few months. I think that the way the relationship ends has more of an impact. If we were cheated on, it hurts much more than if it was a breakup that was a bit more mutual/ended on "better" terms.

[Cutiepie1976]

Agree with na49!

 

The depths of your feelings for someone can certainly be impacted by time, but that isn't the only factor. We've all dated people who were nice and fun, but could never be a life partner or for whom we would never have significant feelings, no matter how much time elapsed. Then there are others who were special even fairly early on...they just triggered something in us.

 

We simply connect more meaningfully with certain people, and do so faster than with others, whether that's a romantic connection or a platonic one.

 

I've had casual acquaintances I've known for over a decade, but they don't mean much, and never will. For whatever reason, my closest friends and I connected almost immediately, the level of (platonic) emotionally intimate sharing was there almost from the outset, and the level of effort and energy invested was large. When a misunderstanding arose, the effort to resolve the issue was swift and significant. Same thing in the workplace. Some people remain acquaintances at work and nothing more. Others become best friends, often despite very minimal contact at work.

 

So time can be a bit of a red herring. Besides depth of the connection, off the top of my head, other things that impact how a breakup affects you:

1. Dumpee vs. dumper?
   
2. Significant sacrifices made. Compromises made that a person didn't really want to make.
   
3. Whether you saw and accepted (rather than denied or ignored) signs that a breakup was inevitable.
   

 

No doubt there are others.

 

What exactly prompted the question?

[Amelie1980]

What do you determine a short relationship

... how short

[NoMoreJerks]

I was in a 6-month relationship , and was dumped a week ago. Met him on June 20th, and was dumped on Dec. 22nd. He also dumped me once before, at the 3-month mark, but we got back together. The first dumping was harder for me, even though it came at the 3-month mark. The second break-up (which seems final) was also very tough. In both break-ups, I couldn't eat anything for days (in the first break-up, I survived on one Kit-Kat bar per day, for more than a week), cried myself to sleep, had vivid dreams about him coming back to me, etc. I isolated myself from my friends because they kept telling me to snap out of it, etc. Couldn't talk to my parents because they told me the same (more so this 2nd time around than the first time around). The second time was easier because I guess I had experienced it once before, and was more or less expecting it to break down again at some point.. also, I was a bit more guarded about my feelings because he had hurt me once.. that said, it was still very rough, because it came days after he had reiterated his promise to come visit me over the Christmas break...

[Divasu]

LittleMissLonely - That's okay, I get writers block myself.

 

na49 - Well you bring up another interesting point. If/when a long relationship ends (using your example 'being cheated' on) vs. a short relationship where no cheating was involved. I've experienced both, but the shorter relationship not working out I've struggled with more.

 

Cutiepie1976 - I like your post. 'they just triggered something in us." makes complete sense. I would say my closest friends, were not 'instant', our 'connection' developed over time. It's rare that I become 'instant' close friends with someone. What prompted this question, was reading some other threads/posts. I guess it triggered some questions in my head.

 

Amelie1980 - Hmmm. Good question. I guess it could be where there was no serious commitment involved, someone you only dated for a couple of months, or even less than a year. I suppose it varies.

[Divasu]

I was in a 6-month relationship , and was dumped a week ago. Met him on June 20th, and was dumped on Dec. 22nd. He also dumped me once before, at the 3-month mark, but we got back together. The first dumping was harder for me, even though it came at the 3-month mark. The second break-up (which seems final) was also very tough. In both break-ups, I couldn't eat anything for days (in the first break-up, I survived on one Kit-Kat bar per day, for more than a week), cried myself to sleep, had vivid dreams about him coming back to me, etc. I isolated myself from my friends because they kept telling me to snap out of it, etc. Couldn't talk to my parents because they told me the same (more so this 2nd time around than the first time around). The second time was easier because I guess I had experienced it once before, and was more or less expecting it to break down again at some point.. also, I was a bit more guarded about my feelings because he had hurt me once.. that said, it was still very rough, because it came days after he had reiterated his promise to come visit me over the Christmas break...

 

Hi NoMoreJerks. Thanks for sharing. Is this the guy from your first thread on LS?

[Amelie1980]

I met my heart breaker in March. 9 months, we both made mistakes but loved each other.

 

Look for my first thread for the full story.

 

I was totally in love with him very early on. I am devastated now and feel like I want to die. but I would have been heart broken if we had split up after only 4 or so months so strong are my feelings. I can barely function, have lost 9 lbs in weight. I can barely sleep and I have had to get tranquilisers from the doctor. in the first few days I didn't bother changing my clothes or washing for a weekend. I slept in my clothes, etc.

 

5 weeks on I am not much better.

[crashvector]

Do you think being sad over the ending of a short relationship is moreso about a bruised ego? Because logically, how can you 'grieve' over the loss of something/someone when/if it was short lived?

 

Some suggest that moving past it is more about you ('us'), not the other person. Having said that, why is it that some relationships have more of an impact on us versus others?

 

If you reflect back on some of your 'relationships' at what point were you able to reach a stage of indifference?

 

I think its more about how vulnerable you made yourself to the other person and how much you trusted them than how long you were together.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Yeah, it happens to me too. I can be more devastated after a 2 months fling.

 

My LTR ended in February this year. I lived with the guy and with talked about marriage. He ended up leaving me. Yet- all I felt was relief. In truth, last few months I thought of ending it myself, he was just the one that pulled the plug. Except for some adjustment to living alone and finding a place, I felt no pain. Yet I got so much sympathy from everyone.

 

Even now, where I never think of him again, people ask me if I am OK and tell me that I handled it well

 

You will never get such a sympathy after a few months fling though. I remember one such experience, where I was in bed for 2 weeks, crying and unable to eat. People thought I was insane

[crashvector]

wow..sounds like me. I havent left my house since the phone call at 430 two days ago...I just dont want to eat..and had to take tons of xanax just to get 2 and a half hours of sleep.

[NoMoreJerks]

Hi NoMoreJerks. Thanks for sharing. Is this the guy from your first thread on LS?

Yeah, that'd be him...

[Divasu]

It's interesting how each of us responds differently and within different situations.

 

Can't say I've ever lost weight (it would have been nice though, haha), or not being able to eat nor did I require sedatives but have cried myself to sleep many nights. One in particular, my 'aftermath symptoms' were a bit strange and rather embarrasing for me, so I don't like to talk about it. That was the worst pain that I ever had.

 

I tell you though, hearing all these stories makes one never want to be vulnerable or fall in love again. There always seems to be that one time that really does you in. Or, maybe it just feels that way because it's recent.

[Pinky777]

It is absolutely possible, I'm going through it now. I met my guy in April, we broke up in November, and losing him has been one of the most heartbeaking things I've ever experienced. We're both recently divorced -- him six months when we met, and I was still legally married though separated -- my marriage was dead and over with for about six month as well. We were both cheated on, with our exes living with those people now. When I met him I not only found a confidant who knew exactly the pain I was going through but someone kind, funny, and wonderful who I actually had an amazing amount of things in common with. He was my male counterpart, everything I ever wanted in a guy, and the chemistry was crazy. I felt like I'd known him all my life on our very first date. I met him through my sister, he's a family friend, and we spent hours on the phone before we even met. I'm not someone who connects with people easily, either. By the end of the first date, I knew I could see myself marrying him. Everything felt so right, like it was meant to be.

 

In the first few months everything was like a dream, he was sweet, affectionate, loving, sexy, and treated me like a queen. I'd never experienced anything like him before. I made a mistake, and I said ILY way too early. He said he didn't feel the same yet, and while it was hard to hear, I understod and we recovered.

 

After 5 or 6 months into our relationship, however, he began to withdraw. He's a single dad with a lot on his plate, a ton of stress, and he'd began to develop health issues. He still has a lot of anger towards his ex and what she did. Long story short he started distancing himself, I got panicky and became the needy, clingy GF and that made things even worse. We had a fight and a long talk, and he broke up with me, we both agreed it woudl be better to take a step back and be friends.

 

It's crazy that I hardly think of my ex-husband, who was my first love and first everything and the one I spent 15 years with, but I can't get my most recent ex out of my mind. I know that it's partially because it was such a short relationship in the grand scheme of things and there was still so much about each other we didn't know. He doesn't know my childhood secrets, my darkest fears, or most of the things that come out when you really really begin to know someone.

 

Plus I felt like it was so short we didn't really try. But maybe that's good, in a way. We don't hate each other, and it never got to the point where we could. I do feel there's still so much left to discover about him, and it's sad to know we'll never go through these things together.

[aliceb1987]

I certainly think so,i ended a relationship last night with someone i was seeing for 2 months.Although only the last few weeks of that was official we built up a very close connection before we got together as friends/seeing each other.When we started a physically affectionate relationship i began to fall quickly for him...i was also rapidly becoming very involved (probably too involved) in his life,round there all the time at weekends and over xmas,getting close to his family,exploring his local area and meeting his friends.I felt more of a connection to him than i have had with my boyfriends of a couple of years in some ways,which sounds crazy but you can share an awful lot with someone in a very short space of time and if you spend enough time talking and seeing them then fundamental feelings can grow very soon.

I have felt pretty upset even though ive been hurt alot before in worse ways...however long youve known someone if you have built a close connection to them,opened your heart and soul to them,told them everything about you etc, then when they are suddenly out of your life,it hurts like hell.

[cf929]

Ugh, this rings so close to home.

 

I met a guy in April, but from the time we met, dated and broke up it was only 2 months. I had a ex boyfriend who I dated for almost 4 years and I was over that relationship and healed within 3 months. I mourned over the short relationship for longer than it lasted!

[Divasu]

It's crazy that I hardly think of my ex-husband, who was my first love and first everything and the one I spent 15 years with, but I can't get my most recent ex out of my mind.

 

Thanks for sharing Pinky. The above kind of ties into what I mentioned earlier: "or, maybe it just feels that way because it's recent".

 

Like you said, your relationship was "dead and over with for about six month as well" so perhaps you had already gone through the 'motions' of separating emotionally. Whereas when things end abruptly, when things end after a short period of dating someone you had just started developing feelings for, the aftermath can feel devastating.

 

Similar to when you lose a loved one through death prematurely versus say, a much older grandparent. Both are traumatic, but very different 'grieving' processes.

 

I certainly think so,i ended a relationship last night with someone i was seeing for 2 months.Although only the last few weeks of that was official we built up a very close connection before we got together as friends/seeing each other.

 

I'm sorry to hear that. Why did the 'relationship' end?

 

Ugh, this rings so close to home.

 

I met a guy in April, but from the time we met, dated and broke up it was only 2 months. I had a ex boyfriend who I dated for almost 4 years and I was over that relationship and healed within 3 months. I mourned over the short relationship for longer than it lasted!

 

How much time in between was it from the time you and your ex of 4 years broke up, until you had met the guy you dated for two months?

[aliceb1987]

Thankyou for your concern.Many reasons really-but the main being he had mental health issues which made him very hot and cold towards me and although we got on great whilst friends/casually dating,and he was more into me than i was him at that point,once we made it official the red flags started appearing for me and he seemed to pull back more as my feelings grew... i dont think he couldnt handle the intensity of a relationship alongside his other issues, so his behaviour towards me became rather inappropriate and erratic,we had disagreements and i realised we were more different than i had previously thought.I am cut up about it,but it has taught me to make sure i get to know someone better next time before i involve myself too heavily in their life.

[Harradin]

Went out with my ex for 2 and a half months (end of June to mid September) before suddenly out of the blue she left me for my 'friend.' It really cut me up and I'm still not fully over it yet.

[Divasu]

Thankyou for your concern.Many reasons really-but the main being he had mental health issues which made him very hot and cold towards me and although we got on great whilst friends/casually dating,and he was more into me than i was him at that point,once we made it official the red flags started appearing for me and he seemed to pull back more as my feelings grew... i dont think he couldnt handle the intensity of a relationship alongside his other issues, so his behaviour towards me became rather inappropriate and erratic,we had disagreements and i realised we were more different than i had previously thought.I am cut up about it,but it has taught me to make sure i get to know someone better next time before i involve myself too heavily in their life.

 

Thank you for sharing Alice. I bolded the last sentence, I am making a little mental note of it for myself.

 

Went out with my ex for 2 and a half months (end of June to mid September) before suddenly out of the blue she left me for my 'friend.' It really cut me up and I'm still not fully over it yet.

 

What a bitcharoo. That's aweful.

[TheZebra]

I understand what you're talking about. My last ex and I were together for 4.5 years, yet after we broke up I was over him in about a month.

 

A few months later I developed a crush on another guy. It was just something superficial; I barely knew him, yet when he rejected me I was CRUSHED (hah, my crush crushed me).

 

Here's what I think the difference is, in my opinion based on these experiences. My long relationship falling apart didn't break me very much because of two core reasons. 1) I had gotten a chance to know him inside and out over those 4.5 years. I knew what the good and the bad of him and the relationship were, so it wasn't a surprise that we broke up. I knew what the issues were and what they could be. 2) The relationship had been going downhill for months, so when the clean break happened, I had already had a long time to 'mourn' if you will. It wasn't a surprise.

 

With the new guy, both elements were missing. I didn't know him, I only had the fantasy of him, which meant that all I could think about was 'what if it could've worked out? What if we WERE perfectly compatible?' I didn't know him and he didn't know me - for all I knew he could've been my soulmate. Not knowing hurt. And second, there was no period of decline. It was only stedily going up, getting more attached, feeling more lust then boom, gone. That's a shocker and it hurts.

 

Anyways, that's my take on it

[crashvector]

It's interesting how each of us responds differently and within different situations.

 

Can't say I've ever lost weight (it would have been nice though, haha), or not being able to eat nor did I require sedatives but have cried myself to sleep many nights. One in particular, my 'aftermath symptoms' were a bit strange and rather embarrasing for me, so I don't like to talk about it. That was the worst pain that I ever had.

 

I tell you though, hearing all these stories makes one never want to be vulnerable or fall in love again. There always seems to be that one time that really does you in. Or, maybe it just feels that way because it's recent.

 

 

that is EXACTLY how I feel, too.

 

I had always told her "After you, if we dont work out, I'm done."

 

I meant it.

 

Drop a beautiful wine glass on the floor. It shatters. you slowly, carefully pick up the pieces. although its not quite the same, you manage to somehow put it back together. Sure, you can see the scars where you glued it back together, and its not perfect like it was before, but hey...you managed to put that beautiful glass back together again.

 

 

Then...you drop the same glass AGAIN. This time....its worse because you realize, no matter HOW careful you are in picking up the pieces again....you will never be able to salvage that glass again.

 

My heart just cannot absorb anymore, and I can't take the risk of being hurt like this again.

 

I'm sure that's what a lot of people here deal with, and it makes me sad for all of us.

[BrighterFuture]

I understand what you're talking about. My last ex and I were together for 4.5 years, yet after we broke up I was over him in about a month.

 

A few months later I developed a crush on another guy. It was just something superficial; I barely knew him, yet when he rejected me I was CRUSHED (hah, my crush crushed me).

 

Here's what I think the difference is, in my opinion based on these experiences. My long relationship falling apart didn't break me very much because of two core reasons. 1) I had gotten a chance to know him inside and out over those 4.5 years. I knew what the good and the bad of him and the relationship were, so it wasn't a surprise that we broke up. I knew what the issues were and what they could be. 2) The relationship had been going downhill for months, so when the clean break happened, I had already had a long time to 'mourn' if you will. It wasn't a surprise.

 

With the new guy, both elements were missing. I didn't know him, I only had the fantasy of him, which meant that all I could think about was 'what if it could've worked out? What if we WERE perfectly compatible?' I didn't know him and he didn't know me - for all I knew he could've been my soulmate. Not knowing hurt. And second, there was no period of decline. It was only stedily going up, getting more attached, feeling more lust then boom, gone. That's a shocker and it hurts.

 

Anyways, that's my take on it

 

I completely agree with this, and this is similar to the breakup that I'm going through right now. Me and him dated for 3 months, and we fell very hard and fast for each other. Being my first relationship I was eager to do everything right so I very quickly became too emotionally invested in him.

 

When he left me out of the blue it was like the rug pulled from under my feet. I saw so much potential with the relationship... Because it was so short we had never argued and personal flaws hadn't come out yet. I had nothing negative to grasp to when he broke it off. The future I had built up in my mind came crumbling down and the memories of the time we spent together, albeit short, stung to think about. I didn't have time to detach myself from him or the relationship before it ended.

 

I later found out that he left me for his ex girlfriend who was a very close friend of his throughout our relationship but he had neglected to mention that they had dated. But that's a whole other can of worms!

 

As Alice said: it has taught me to make sure i get to know someone better next time before i involve myself too heavily in their life. I definitely made that mistake.

[suladas]

This thread hits so close to home, seems like exactly what happened to me. Mine was only 2 months, granted we casually knew each other for a year prior it got serious real quick and both fell for each other fast. It just takes your breath away when it's ended like that. And the thing was, she pursued for me nearly a year, so it really throws you off when it's ended short. It gives me hope knowing it's not easy for anyone to get over, and that a longer relationship generally isn't worse because that would be awful i've had a really difficult time with it.

 

Even though it hurt it a lot, I would do it all over again even if I couldn't change anything. Getting hurt sucks, but it's a risk you have to take to find someone great. Although it sucks she lives next door, and there is the constant reminder of what happened.