Justtiredofit Posted December 29, 2012 Posted December 29, 2012 Victims....what do you do when you get those recurring thoughts of what your wayward spouse may be doing? It is KILLING ME thinking of her with another man! I just can't get it out of my head, and don't know what to do???? Is there anyone on here that has experience with this, and knows what to do?
BetrayedH Posted December 29, 2012 Posted December 29, 2012 There is an immense amount of experience and knowledge here. But there's no doubt that we need more information to get some perspective and to give you ours. Please tell your story.
ComingInHot Posted December 29, 2012 Posted December 29, 2012 Justiredofit; There are times & circumstances where, yes, we are victims. It's when you Stop being the victim that things get better!. I WAS the victim of my husband's affair . Now I am the Victor of my life and WE are both the Winners in our marriage!! Remember, everyone heals in their own time & in their own way. The images replaying in your mind Will lesson as you heal. They may come in from time to time but that is when you take control over your thoughts as well as seek comfort in the ones who Love you. 2
wheelwright Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 Justiredofit; There are times & circumstances where, yes, we are victims. It's when you Stop being the victim that things get better!. I WAS the victim of my husband's affair . Now I am the Victor of my life and WE are both the Winners in our marriage!! Remember, everyone heals in their own time & in their own way. The images replaying in your mind Will lesson as you heal. They may come in from time to time but that is when you take control over your thoughts as well as seek comfort in the ones who Love you. I keep trying to teach my young son that it's not all about competition. What will you win here, if even you prove to be winner? If someone sleeps with another, then we should face up to it. They wanted to. It happened. They are not bad. Only our feelings are bad (if they are). They wanted to do that - how lovely 1
woinlove Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 (edited) If someone sleeps with another, then we should face up to it. They wanted to. It happened. They are not bad. Only our feelings are bad (if they are). They wanted to do that - how lovely You think feeling is bad? Feeling is part of the human condition and I think whatever one is feeling should be acknowledged and accepted. Suppressing feelings usually causes problems. Most people aren't objecting to feelings and it isn't the desire to sleep with another that causes so much pain, it is the deception and disloyalty, which there is nothing lovely about, imo. That is what the OP is dealing with and it causes a lack of trust and lots of pain. People who want to be dishonest and disloyal and think that is lovely probably have severe problems to deal with. Justtired, I think CominginHot's comment about everyone healing in their own time is exactly right. When one is really hurt by someone you loved and trusted, I think it is common to feel like a victim initially. But with time, one heals and rebuilds the life you want and in some ways it can be stronger and wiser. By then, you are no longer a victim but in control of your own life. Edited December 30, 2012 by woinlove 1
GLDheart Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 If you are still with her, transparency is all she can give you at this point. Trust will have to be re-earned and it will never be blind faith trust again. If you are no longer together, does it really matter what she does?
NotCamelot Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 Victims....what do you do when you get those recurring thoughts of what your wayward spouse may be doing? It is KILLING ME thinking of her with another man! I just can't get it out of my head, and don't know what to do???? Is there anyone on here that has experience with this, and knows what to do? I don't know how long it has been since you found out, but, sadly, I can tell you from experience that those thoughts won't go away quickly.....who knows, maybe never. Are you trying to reconcile? If so, my recommendation is that you spend as much time as possible with her. Try to go back to what brought you two together in the first place. Get back to being a couple......immerse yourself completely into the relationship. Find new things to do together.....things you have not done before. Create new memories TOGETHER. The more of this you do, the less you will be reminded of the past. There will still be times that you remember, but it will become less and then less. You DON'T want the old relationship back. There was a problem there that led to the affair. So, create a new relationship. Create new feelings, new activities, new love. No, you will probably never have the complete trust you had before with her - but - you will probably never trust ANYONE like that ever again. There are those who will tell you it can't be done - to divorce her and move on...... and that might be where you end up. But if the two of you want to fix things and get back to a happy marriage, it can be done. It will take both of you to make it work. As my WS reminds me, don't live in the past. I wish you the best of luck. I know that this is the worst thing I have ever dealt with........worse than losing a child - one of my daughters died at age 4.......that hurt. But it did not hurt as bad as discovering my W's infidelity. There are a lot of good people here with a lot of advice. Take all of it and apply what you feel will work for you. 1
CantgetoveritNY Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 Victims....what do you do when you get those recurring thoughts of what your wayward spouse may be doing? It is KILLING ME thinking of her with another man! I just can't get it out of my head, and don't know what to do???? Is there anyone on here that has experience with this, and knows what to do? I can tell you that the "mental movies" as they are commonly called are very painful, for me at least. I've read here about loss of trust and etc being the worst. Not for me. The thought of my wife with the OM is the worst. Maybe b/c our relationship was/is very sexually oriented. We were the people that got married b/c of physical compatibility as much as anything else. And that always remained strong for us. Even during her A. So it really pains me she would do that with the OM. Something so key to our relationship and now she has now almost ruined it for me. I can't hardly look at her and not think of what she did with him. I hope it stops eventually. It sounds like your WW may still be in the A with her OM. That would be unbearable! I was spared that pain. I did not find out about the A till it was over. I can't imagine knowing she was with him while I was alone, waiting for her to return. That would be unbearable. Holy Cow, if that is what is happening to you I really feel for you. I hope you will be alright. 1
CantgetoveritNY Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 It is unbearable. I've lived it time and time again. In my country the WS don't bother much to keep EMRs secret. You know what's up when they're not coming home at night. You lay there awake all night anxiety-ridden. Only to get your fears confirmed in the morning of where they have been. I'm so sorry to hear that Trinity!
waterwoman Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 If someone sleeps with another, then we should face up to it. They wanted to. It happened. They are not bad. Only our feelings are bad (if they are). They wanted to do that - how lovely I agree that desire and love are lovely things. They bring joy. Problem is that rightly or wrongly many of us expect to share these things exclusively with the person that we are in a primary relationship with. So then deceit and betrayal are added to the mix. I have struggled so hard with my feelings about H's A. I love him dearly and I can see that she boosted his self-esteem a great deal and gave him something that I was apparently unable to at the time. And I want to be happy that that was the case but I can't be. Most of the time I only feel the pain of it. Wish it wasn't the case but I don't think I'm abnormal. Maybe the pain will pass and I will manage to cope with the memories and the fact that for him they are in part happy ones. 1
CantgetoveritNY Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 Thank you, Cant, your words warm my heart. Reading your post reminded me how it was like to lay there awake waiting for him/them to come home. I have so often read that it is the lies and the sneaking that cause the hurt. Maybe that is true for some. But it would seem that for you, where there were no lies, that is not the case. I know for me and maybe the OP the most hurtful thing is the act itself. The WS taking off their clothes with another person and then being intimate with that person. Those sets of actions are for me the most hurtful part of the A. That and knowing that your WS does that not caring that you wanted them to only do this with you. I thought she would never hurt me like this.
road Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 Victims....what do you do when you get those recurring thoughts of what your wayward spouse may be doing? It is KILLING ME thinking of her with another man! I just can't get it out of my head, and don't know what to do???? Is there anyone on here that has experience with this, and knows what to do? What you have to do is realize that you are fighting a war. A general does not think about collateral damage. Korea, Nam, various Sandbox's were not wars they were police actions. You will not win fighting with one hand tie behind your back. Your in another Big One just like the greatest generation was. You must go all out in your effort to win the war you are. Time to man up. What have you done to achieve V-A day, Victory Over Affair Day? Starting this post did nothing to meet the objective. When you leave your old posts you leave the facts behind.
nofool4u Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 Victims....what do you do when you get those recurring thoughts of what your wayward spouse may be doing? It is KILLING ME thinking of her with another man! I just can't get it out of my head, and don't know what to do???? Is there anyone on here that has experience with this, and knows what to do? Yes, I do have experience with this. I stopped becoming a victim and got rid of the witch. Trust me, after getting rid of her and being able to enjoy the company of other good women, you won't give a crap who your wife is with or what she has done. Get rid of the pain by getting rid of the source of it. This isn't knee jerk either. You will never get out of your head your wife riding another man. That is there to stay as long as you keep her.
ladyinthemts Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 I understand what you're going through. I struggle with negative, dark thoughts like that too. It makes intimacy difficult or impossible sometimes. My WS and I even had a bad night once during the first few months after D-Day, when he said "I love you", I said, "So what, you loved her too!" It's a struggle. I'm still figuring things out myself. I will say I've been trying "pivoting", which means when you start to think about something bad, try to start thinking (pivot your thoughts) about something good instead. It's really effing hard! But it is helping, slowly. Making new memories really helps too. 1
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