Author Justtiredofit Posted January 9, 2013 Author Posted January 9, 2013 So do I send the text, or keep her in suspence????
UpwardForward Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 So do I send the text, or keep her in suspence???? If you send a text. I would only say: I understand OM (his name) wants nothing to do with having a relationship with you. A good time to find out if he is telling you the truth, as well.
aMguilts Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 (edited) So do I send the text, or keep her in suspence???? your kidding right?? What will sending that text ACTUALLY achieve??? aM Edited January 9, 2013 by aMguilts
Gunny376 Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 :eek:You specifically asked me to post my opinion on your situation as it sits. To do so I first have to qualify that me, myself and I am in a different position in life ~ thus I don't know if any of my advice would be of that much use to you ~ and ultimately all I can do is tell you what I would do? But to say that I am calloused and jaded by my experiences in life would be an understatement. You see in real life? I really am and come across to most civilians as a "Gunny" That is to say that I'm really am a decent nice guy, who can be your best friend you've ever had ~ or your worst enemy. Most "civilians" don't know how to take me, can't figure me out, and to be honest? I've been told that I can be very intimidating and scary! With that said? It seems like to me that your just sitting around "digging up bones" of a love that's dead and gone? I understand that you've got a Hugh mental, emotional, and pyschological investment of twenty years here ~ not to mention time, effort, energy and money? But that's the thing! Your operating from an emotional attachment and the STBXW just isn't operating from that position any more? Thus in that sense? She's playing you! Like tha' Devil playing a golden fiddle! And its not because she's got any thing left for you? Its because, well you "comfortable" like an old ugly pair of shoes? She's ready to trade you end for a new pair of shoes? But she doesn't want to get ready of the old pair. She's still interested in being in an intimate relationship? Just not with you. She's on the prowl, and she out casting her net, but she's got you in tha' holding tank. The short of it? She's not going? She's gone! The only difference between your marriage and the Titanic? The Titanic had a band playing as she went down under the waves? The amount and investment of time, effort, energy, (mental, emotional, pyschological, physical) and money that you would have to invest in possibly getting this one back could potentially get you two, three, four, five or six other women or more. If that's the way that you want to go with it? Its funny but all of the reasons the XHEX listed for divorcing me? Are the very same characteristics and traits that PMGF's (Post Marriage Girl Friends) and Mrs. Gunny find as hugh pluses. Indeed Mrs Gunny thinks and has said on repeated occasion that she thinks the XHEX was nuts for divorcing me? The last time that I spoke to the XHEX, she told me that if I wanted her back? That I would have to fight toy-boy HX3? The only way that I'm going to fight him over her? Is if he tries to send her back! Time to cut your loses, fold em' and get busy getting busy with the first day of the rest of your life. Quit wasting your time on the STBXW. Time to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, clean yourself up and let all the ladies know your free and back out there on the street again! What one woman will and could abuse? Another can certainly use! Most things in life? They have a beginning, a middle and and end ~ as do most relationships? I think it times for you to go NC ~ for your own good! Quit sitting around digging up bones of a life that's already dead and gone! Quit sitting around and poking around at the dead carcass of your marriage to see if there's any life still in it? Quit sitting around being selfish and give all of the other ladies a chance? Take some time to get off your azz, get your head out of your azz, and get your head and azz wired back together, get your act together. Sit down and figure what to put in and what to leave out. Now is the time to take a good hard look at what your wanting in and out of Life. Now is the time to decide what is to make you happy ~ because your the one that's in charge ~ not someone else! People come and go, but there's no one monkey that makes a show! All of the stress and pressure that your going through? Is just turning you from an old chunk of coal into a diamond? You make be a chunk of coal right now? But your going to be a diamond one day! Good luck Gunny
Author Justtiredofit Posted January 9, 2013 Author Posted January 9, 2013 Well, I sent it. I told her that OM told me she flat out asked him for a relationship. That he was having to block her from his phone, that she was pathetic & that I had lost all respect for her. She asked what he said? Then she told me to send the "pathetic" text to her. I didn't send her anything. I just ignored the barrage of texts after that. I guess she thought she could worm her way out of it, and pretend like she meant a "friendly" relationship? That's EXACTLY the kind of thing she would try to do! She's gonna try to play this off! GASLIGHTER!!!! I'm not going to answer. I'm going back into "dark" mode....not answering any texts, calls, anything. Eventually in a few more weeks when he doesn't turn, and I don't turn, she will be in HELL. I know that sounds bad, but I have SUFFERED boys.....I mean SUFFERED BADLY! On a side note, I will be appealing to STBXW's mother and sister to talk to my daughter about how to act with men. I DO NOT WANT MY 20 YR OLD DAUGHTER THINKING IT'S OK TO ACT LIKE A TRAMP and follow men around after they have told you NO!
Gunny376 Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 There's an old country song that goes,..............."She's crazy for leaving, but Man? Just let her go!" That's what I would do ~ just let her go ~ and just let it all go and get busy living your life! Twenty years with this woman is enough. She's caught in the illussionary fog ~ and if it were me? I wouldn't want to be around when Mr. Reality comes a callin like one of Vinnier and tha' boys with Louisville Sluggers!
Minnie09 Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 This sounds very dysfunctional to me. You left her for another woman, then she cheated, and now you're separated still playing power games of the push/pull type. You call her pathetic, she texts you, you ignore her, then text her back.... I can't believe you guys have grown-up children. You sound like teenagers. Ask yourself what YOU want. Then follow through with it. You don't seem emotionally indifferent/detached enough to make the big divorce decision. Maybe get some counseling (in case you haven't tried that yet) and discuss your emotional chaos with a therapist. They can guide you through your mayhem and help you find a path through your wild emotions and a way to look at them from a different perspective. You will never know for sure what your W wants and what she's thinking. So focus on yourself, and if you want to give your M another shot, be honest and upfront with her and let her know. There is a chance to stick together as a couple and make it work. You're still emotionally entangled with each other. You're not indifferent. Neither is she. Her whole attitude (at least how you describe it) is targeted at your attention. She wants your attention and you want hers. And even though you guys don't seem able to resolve your issues in a mature way, I don't think you're ready to let go, either. At least you're on "even" ground with the cheating. You violated her trust, she violated yours. Not that I approve of that in any way, shape or form, but IF you decide to give it another go, this won't be in your way too much, because you both "cheated" and you're on "even ground". Anyways, be honest with yourself, your counselor and eventually with your wife, stop the name calling and SAY what you mean. All I see when I read your posts are two people who used to love each other, messed up, and are now desperately trying to attack each other for the other one's attention. That's not over. That's not indifference. It's just a power game and it can result in something bigger, better, if you decide to stop playing and start to be genuine. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. But them you know you've tried, honestly tried, and you can move on. 1
Author Justtiredofit Posted January 12, 2013 Author Posted January 12, 2013 UPDATE: Another website on marriage says that I should expose the fact that she will not leave this man alone, although he is not interested. They are saying I should tell my children and my mother in law about it, naming the man and everything. What do y'all think?
UpwardForward Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 UPDATE: Another website on marriage says that I should expose the fact that she will not leave this man alone, although he is not interested. They are saying I should tell my children and my mother in law about it, naming the man and everything. What do y'all think? Obviously not the children. Sounds like a revenge move to me. How can they help you, or even straighten out your wife?
Author Justtiredofit Posted January 12, 2013 Author Posted January 12, 2013 They think that I should tell my children so my children will know the truth, and that it will help them realize that this type of thing is wrong. They also say that it will stop their mom from doing this.
Yasuandio Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 (edited) They think that I should tell my children so my children will know the truth, and that it will help them realize that this type of thing is wrong. They also say that it will stop their mom from doing this. Justtiredofit, I want you really, to carefully think about, and digest what you proposed here in the above quote. Then, please, take this pop quiz, seriously. Justtiredofit's above quote could be: A. Symptoms of an Intensity Junkie B. "Stirring the Pot" C. Over-Analysis/Extrapolation of Marriage-Builders Site's Plan B: Exposure D. All of the above If you cannot circle any of these items, I would really like to know, where in the heck did you read that it is recommended to expose your kids to the family extra-marital affairs in an effort to stop your wife from engaging in such affairs? Who is "they" - the citation you refer to? And you believe this sort of action would have a positive effect on your marriage, kids upbringings, and the family unit? Really? Can you not think of other alternatives to deliver character education, and teach the difference between right and wrong to you kids? You know, I do understand being "over-the-top" with intensity, truly. And I can certainly relate to "stirring the pot." But, why would you want to turn your wife's current marital misconduct into a Sunday School Lesson for the kids? This is the part I just don't get. Perhaps I have over-analyzed this too much myself. Just trying. Edited January 12, 2013 by Yasuandio
Gunny376 Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 I haven't even read prior to Yas latest post! But I can tell you this much for sure and certain when it comes to the kids! "When you go to slinging dirt! Your just digging yourself a deeper hole!" When it came to my divorce? Someone had to bite the bullet! Taste the bitter root! Take the poision pill! That would be me! I'm enstranged by son and not so less my daugther. But they got the better deal with their Mother. Yea! I could write volumes upon volumes, and I'm the one that came out with the dirty end of the stick. But they came out for the better in the end ~ and in the end? That was all that mattered to me! I was a career Marine ~ fresh back from the First Gulf War? Got to my last duty station before retiring and I got deployed to ________________(just about named it within the Western Hemispehere!) I got back from Cuba and the SOB's asked me, "Have you up-packed? No Sir! Good! Becaue we're sending you to Haiti on the first thing smoking out of town!" Just do the right thing! You know what it is! God wrote it upon your heart the day you were born! Just do the right thing! Not for you! But for them! If that means you've got to sleep in a hollow log, drink muddy water, eat seven day old road kill and wear sack cloth, swallow your pride? Then that's what you've got to do!
UpwardForward Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 (edited) They think that I should tell my children so my children will know the truth, and that it will help them realize that this type of thing is wrong. They also say that it will stop their mom from doing this. The children are already going through enough turmoil. This will only continue to put them in the middle, and to use them. A terrible idea. Also, the man is supposed to be the Head of the family unit. Try leading by example only. Edited January 13, 2013 by UpwardForward 1
aMguilts Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 They think that I should tell my children so my children will know the truth, and that it will help them realize that this type of thing is wrong. They also say that it will stop their mom from doing this. what do i think? I think you really need to grow up and stop acting like a spoilt little kid that can`t get his own way and so has to make everyone else miserable cos you are. Thats what i think I also think that why are you asking advice and heeding nothing? aM
aMguilts Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 The children are already going through enough turmoil. This will only continue to put them in the middle, and to use them. A terrible idea. Also, the man is supposed to be the Head of the family unit. Try leading by example only. Needs to grow a pair 1st:laugh: aM
Gunny376 Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 what do i think? I think you really need to grow up and stop acting like a spoilt little kid that can`t get his own way and so has to make everyone else miserable cos you are. Thats what i think I also think that why are you asking advice and heeding nothing? aM That thar's what you call an "askhole" down here in Alabama!
shalisha42 Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 Ok.....now I'm on a rampage and about to let her know. But I don't want to lose the control I now have of all of this. With this, (below is quoted from one of my other posts). : "So Wednesday night I put the papers in the mailbox. Then sent her a text saying that I tried to do it as people suggested but I just can't and that I just want out. NO RESPONSE. Then yesterday (Thursday) she texts "I can't turn them in by Friday bc my schedule is so hectic". I didn't respond. Then last night: "I need 50/50 this, 50/50 that, hope you are agreeable to these additions." I didn't respond. 20 minutes later: "Are you not going to say anything". So I texted back just sign & turn in the papers with the additions. Then she texts "What is the hurry". This just seems like another one of her SICK games......? :mad:" I just want to answer her now with this: "What's the hurry? I don't want to sit here another MINUTE being separated but still married to you, while you justify talking to, texting, and probably texting nude pics again to some man, or maybe even dating and/or "hooking up" with some man, that you will never admit to. Because afterall, since we're "separated" it's ok for you to do such things, RIGHT? Nevermind the fact that we are still MARRIED and that it is WRONG? It makes me SICK thinking of what you are probably doing/have been doing and JUSTIFYING in your head that it's OK to do b/c you are so "angry" with me, and that it's all my fault.....THAT is what the hurry is about. Now hurry up with the papers!" But I'm afraid that if I do this, I'll lose the upper hand again...... Thoughts? I had to laugh at your sarcasm, even though this is obviously painful! I'm sorry for your pain. But no need to let her know how much pain you're in!
Author Justtiredofit Posted January 16, 2013 Author Posted January 16, 2013 UPDATE: Well, on Saturday she began to open up to me about all of this, "I thought if I slept with him, it would take away my pain for what you did to me with her" etc. I was thinking this was R talk. So I bought into it and began to be real. THEN the next morning (Sunday) she turned cold again. Then Monday morning I said well al this talk is a start. We can start talking and go from there. Then she said she doesn't want to send mixed messages. So I told her that I can already see thru her, that I know she doesn't want this divorce and that we need to chill for a few months, see REAL counselors, then after a few months, make decisions from there. She starts pulling away again. So yesterday morning early, I send a "I'm done for good, you can what you want, I no longer care" text. Well.....two hours later my phone begins to blow up from her about how we have an "emergency" with the IRS, and how her supervisor is involved, etc. She gets my daughter to call me, etc. Then I don't hear from her until the evening. I don't respond. Then, at 3:30am, text after text comes into my phone. One sentence about the IRS, then the rest about us. Long, multimedia texts, one after another just denying any wrongdoing, excusing her own behavior and about how I am guilty of everything under the sun. It didn't stop until 6:40. Then she calls at 7:15 and leaves a message that if I don't call her, she's gonna call my supervisor today and tell him about the IRS stuff. So I didn't answer again so she has her MOTHER call me. I told her mom to have her copy the IRS letter and leave it for my daughter, that I would be at the house tomorrow to pick up the rest of my stuff. An hour later she sends a text saying if this is the way you want it then we'll do it this way, and that I can now contact her lawyer Blah Blah (known man hater in this part of the state) trying to manipulate me that way. Seems to me it would just be easier to copy the letter and leave it with my daughter?
ataloss8270 Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 UPDATE: Well, on Saturday she began to open up to me about all of this, "I thought if I slept with him, it would take away my pain for what you did to me with her" etc. I was thinking this was R talk. So I bought into it and began to be real. THEN the next morning (Sunday) she turned cold again. Then Monday morning I said well al this talk is a start. We can start talking and go from there. Then she said she doesn't want to send mixed messages. So I told her that I can already see thru her, that I know she doesn't want this divorce and that we need to chill for a few months, see REAL counselors, then after a few months, make decisions from there. She starts pulling away again. So yesterday morning early, I send a "I'm done for good, you can what you want, I no longer care" text. Well.....two hours later my phone begins to blow up from her about how we have an "emergency" with the IRS, and how her supervisor is involved, etc. She gets my daughter to call me, etc. Then I don't hear from her until the evening. I don't respond. Then, at 3:30am, text after text comes into my phone. One sentence about the IRS, then the rest about us. Long, multimedia texts, one after another just denying any wrongdoing, excusing her own behavior and about how I am guilty of everything under the sun. It didn't stop until 6:40. Then she calls at 7:15 and leaves a message that if I don't call her, she's gonna call my supervisor today and tell him about the IRS stuff. So I didn't answer again so she has her MOTHER call me. I told her mom to have her copy the IRS letter and leave it for my daughter, that I would be at the house tomorrow to pick up the rest of my stuff. An hour later she sends a text saying if this is the way you want it then we'll do it this way, and that I can now contact her lawyer Blah Blah (known man hater in this part of the state) trying to manipulate me that way. Seems to me it would just be easier to copy the letter and leave it with my daughter? Why did you start to open up conversation about reconciling, just to turn around two days later and say youbwere done? You should have left it at what you said in the first 2 days and left it at that. You can't expect her just to jump at the offer right away. Do you feel that she turned cold because you didn't get the answer you wanted right away and it made you frustrated? This is a really f***ed up mind game your playing with her. 4
shalisha42 Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 Ok.....now I'm on a rampage and about to let her know. But I don't want to lose the control I now have of all of this. With this, (below is quoted from one of my other posts). : "So Wednesday night I put the papers in the mailbox. Then sent her a text saying that I tried to do it as people suggested but I just can't and that I just want out. NO RESPONSE. Then yesterday (Thursday) she texts "I can't turn them in by Friday bc my schedule is so hectic". I didn't respond. Then last night: "I need 50/50 this, 50/50 that, hope you are agreeable to these additions." I didn't respond. 20 minutes later: "Are you not going to say anything". So I texted back just sign & turn in the papers with the additions. Then she texts "What is the hurry". This just seems like another one of her SICK games......? :mad:" I just want to answer her now with this: "What's the hurry? I don't want to sit here another MINUTE being separated but still married to you, while you justify talking to, texting, and probably texting nude pics again to some man, or maybe even dating and/or "hooking up" with some man, that you will never admit to. Because afterall, since we're "separated" it's ok for you to do such things, RIGHT? Nevermind the fact that we are still MARRIED and that it is WRONG? It makes me SICK thinking of what you are probably doing/have been doing and JUSTIFYING in your head that it's OK to do b/c you are so "angry" with me, and that it's all my fault.....THAT is what the hurry is about. Now hurry up with the papers!" But I'm afraid that if I do this, I'll lose the upper hand again...... Thoughts? I can't seem to find your original post on this. Can you send me the link please?
Author Justtiredofit Posted January 22, 2013 Author Posted January 22, 2013 I want to thank everyone here for your help, insight, and advice. As of last week, my wife asked to stop the divorce proceedings, says she wants no part of the divorce, and doesn't want to live her life without me in it. She admitted that even while running after the OM, she really wanted to be with me the whole time and that she was trying to get my attention deep down. She also says that when she got dwon to it, if the OM had consented, that she doesn't think she could've actually gone through with it. We will be going to Retrouvaille on February 15-17. She is excited about this, and is now reading Love Busters. I hope this weekend program will help. 1
ataloss8270 Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 I want to thank everyone here for your help, insight, and advice. As of last week, my wife asked to stop the divorce proceedings, says she wants no part of the divorce, and doesn't want to live her life without me in it. She admitted that even while running after the OM, she really wanted to be with me the whole time and that she was trying to get my attention deep down. She also says that when she got dwon to it, if the OM had consented, that she doesn't think she could've actually gone through with it. We will be going to Retrouvaille on February 15-17. She is excited about this, and is now reading Love Busters. I hope this weekend program will help. That is awesome to hear. I'm glad things panned out for the two of you. No more mind games though lol. Just be honest with one another and put in the hard work into your relationship so you never have to go threw this again. Best of luck to you 1
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