Justtiredofit Posted December 29, 2012 Posted December 29, 2012 Ok.....now I'm on a rampage and about to let her know. But I don't want to lose the control I now have of all of this. With this, (below is quoted from one of my other posts). : "So Wednesday night I put the papers in the mailbox. Then sent her a text saying that I tried to do it as people suggested but I just can't and that I just want out. NO RESPONSE. Then yesterday (Thursday) she texts "I can't turn them in by Friday bc my schedule is so hectic". I didn't respond. Then last night: "I need 50/50 this, 50/50 that, hope you are agreeable to these additions." I didn't respond. 20 minutes later: "Are you not going to say anything". So I texted back just sign & turn in the papers with the additions. Then she texts "What is the hurry". This just seems like another one of her SICK games......? :mad:" I just want to answer her now with this: "What's the hurry? I don't want to sit here another MINUTE being separated but still married to you, while you justify talking to, texting, and probably texting nude pics again to some man, or maybe even dating and/or "hooking up" with some man, that you will never admit to. Because afterall, since we're "separated" it's ok for you to do such things, RIGHT? Nevermind the fact that we are still MARRIED and that it is WRONG? It makes me SICK thinking of what you are probably doing/have been doing and JUSTIFYING in your head that it's OK to do b/c you are so "angry" with me, and that it's all my fault.....THAT is what the hurry is about. Now hurry up with the papers!" But I'm afraid that if I do this, I'll lose the upper hand again...... Thoughts?
Yasuandio Posted December 29, 2012 Posted December 29, 2012 DON'T DO IT. YOUR PROPOSED TEXT RESPONSE MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE A CRYBABY! Write something like this instead: "Please turn papers in asap. Divorce needs to proceed at this time so we may move on with our lives. Thank you in advance for your cooperation." Easy, Breezy. 5
aMguilts Posted December 29, 2012 Posted December 29, 2012 Ok.....now I'm on a rampage and about to let her know. But I don't want to lose the control I now have of all of this. With this, (below is quoted from one of my other posts). : "So Wednesday night I put the papers in the mailbox. Then sent her a text saying that I tried to do it as people suggested but I just can't and that I just want out. NO RESPONSE. Then yesterday (Thursday) she texts "I can't turn them in by Friday bc my schedule is so hectic". I didn't respond. Then last night: "I need 50/50 this, 50/50 that, hope you are agreeable to these additions." I didn't respond. 20 minutes later: "Are you not going to say anything". So I texted back just sign & turn in the papers with the additions. Then she texts "What is the hurry". This just seems like another one of her SICK games......? :mad:" I just want to answer her now with this: "What's the hurry? I don't want to sit here another MINUTE being separated but still married to you, while you justify talking to, texting, and probably texting nude pics again to some man, or maybe even dating and/or "hooking up" with some man, that you will never admit to. Because afterall, since we're "separated" it's ok for you to do such things, RIGHT? Nevermind the fact that we are still MARRIED and that it is WRONG? It makes me SICK thinking of what you are probably doing/have been doing and JUSTIFYING in your head that it's OK to do b/c you are so "angry" with me, and that it's all my fault.....THAT is what the hurry is about. Now hurry up with the papers!" But I'm afraid that if I do this, I'll lose the upper hand again...... Thoughts? hi Justtiredofit Thoughts? Don`t text her anything from now on. She is not playing games just as in the same way you aren`t?? You will not get anywhere by `pressuring` her. Yasuandio is right. You text her that... and you will come across as nothing but a spoilt kid , stomping his feet because he can`t get his own way, i.e your way. You put the papers in, so now leave her alone. What you SHOULD be doing , is concentrate on your own life and making sure you are happy. It really doesn`t matter how long she takes to reply, come on... it`s not your problem is it?? As long as you look after YOU, And quit seeing it as a `game` , then your`ll be ok aM 1
aMguilts Posted December 29, 2012 Posted December 29, 2012 DON'T DO IT. YOUR PROPOSED TEXT RESPONSE MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE A CRYBABY! Write something like this instead: "Please turn papers in asap. Divorce needs to proceed at this time so we may move on with our lives. Thank you in advance for your cooperation." Easy, Breezy. Don`t write ANYTHING Be aloof, be nonchalant. Be strong. aM 1
revitup Posted December 29, 2012 Posted December 29, 2012 Again,no on that note. You are just too busy now for that mess.You must take the high road and mean it,your mind is not to be rented for free! If your W is like mine,she is used to manipulating you into a trap,usually with guilt and or compassion for her past and childhood. Her victim mentality had taken my STBXWW far in her quest to neuter me.I will bet she has selectively trashed you with all who would listen,usually in a passively aggressive style.They know in advance that it will be important to have you isolated when they pull the trigger on leaving. NC and 180's are your only option,do not waiver.
ComingInHot Posted December 29, 2012 Posted December 29, 2012 Agrreeeeed!! If Anything, a short unemotional text stating all communications to be through attornies. Then, Silence...................... (hear that?)..................crickets..........nothing......done.
Gunny376 Posted December 29, 2012 Posted December 29, 2012 Its been my experience? That in situations in which one finds themselves in trouble? (Regardless of what they may be? With the X ________, your parents, another family member, the boss at work, the police, whoever, whatever? One rule and only rule of mine has served me well! "The less said! Is the Best Said!" Time and time again, as a Marine Staff NCO, as a father, as a huaband, as a supervisor, as a manager in dealing with those that have gotten themselves into a mess or trouble, my advice has always been the same! "KEEP YOUR DAMN MOUTH SHUT!" Don't talk to anyone, don't say anything to anyone about it. In so far as anyone else is concerned? You were deaf, dumb and blind until just about two and have nano-seconds ago? You didn't see anything, you didn't hear anything, you don't know anything. If you need to vent? You do so here! And no where else and to no one else~ Anything you say, do, and God forbid WRITE! Can and will be used against you in some way, shape form or fashion! If someone is going to hang me? I'll be DAMNED if I'm going to give them the rope to do it with! If someone is going to shot me? I'll be damned if I'm going to give them my bullets to do it with? At this point you're still very vulenerable and subject to subscribing to raw emotions ~ and thus doing and saying things that you will later regret! 3
aMguilts Posted December 29, 2012 Posted December 29, 2012 Agrreeeeed!! If Anything, a short unemotional text stating all communications to be through attornies. Then, Silence...................... (hear that?)..................crickets..........nothing......done. NO. No text at all! Silence says more than any words sometimes aM 1
Author Justtiredofit Posted December 31, 2012 Author Posted December 31, 2012 Thank you guys sooooo much for coming to my stupidity aid! I do not do it. In fact, I went to church yesterday....played in the band right next to my buddy who she had the crush on (that totally dissed her) and didn't look at her ONCE! She sat right where she could see me. I could feel the "Aren't you gonna look at me?" coming from her way. But didn't look at her one time. Didn't even sit with the family....I sat on the other side of the sanctuary! I'm sticking w/ my guns.....haven't sent any texts.....haven't said or done anything. Yesterday she saw me and heard my voice for the first time in 2 weeks. (She loves to hear me sing). Then I took the kids out to eat, and left town again. I so desperately want to say "Would you like to talk about the divorce?" But I won't.......No pu$$y stuff. When she texts or calls and wants to talk, it will likely be for sex b/c she can't go any longer. Maybe not, but if she does this is my plan (tell me if I'm thinking correctly): -I want her to accept responsibility on her part for what has happened. (So far EVEYTHING here has been my fault. Her actions toward him (her fantasy crush that is defunct) were blamed on me for leaving her for another woman. -I want her to take responsibility for what she did the other 3 times we were split up (4 times now in 18 yrs of marriage. 16 years of problem free marriage, problems came up the last 2 years) -I want to know WHAT SHE WILL DO to correct those things. I want ACTION not talk. I am at the point folks to where I can NO LONGER take her abuse and blame for everything. It has gone on too long. I will not be treated like this!
Gunny376 Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 (edited) I say this qualitatively ~ and with the disclaimer that this is how I would handle the situation if it were me? That is to say I'm not advising you handle your particular situation in the same manner. I went through the Big "D" 23 years ago, another B/U with another 6.5 year relationship 14 years ago. The following are my own personal guidelines! A woman walks out of me? As soon as I hear the slamming of the door? The locks get changed on the door. She's blocked on any and all ways of contacting me. Period! No "ifs, and's nor buts!" No more discussing, no more talking, compromising, no more negotations. She's in effect? Dead to me. End of conversation. This is followed with a through screening and cleansing of the premises, to find any and all things that she may have left behind. This gets boxed up and sent via registerd mail (Someone has to sign for it) to her last known address. Then I get up, dust myself off, let all the Ladies know that I'm back on the street again ~ when I'm ready. I'm pass the point of being some adoslecent that just has to have sex ~ it will come in time ~ even when I'm not in the market. I've got more to offer your typical woman than your typical woman has to offer me? Just that plain and simple. No brag ~ just fact. I'll never again be a supplicating, needy, whinny, begging little boy standing along side of the curb with my pants down around my ankles all broke up over some woman! As soon as I kiss the lips of another woman? I'm going to forget all about her! If you've put all the women I've known and have been with over the course of my life? I wouldn't give a give you a good damn about the whole bunch of them! Women come, and women go ~ but there's no one monkey that makes a show! What one will abuse? Another can certainly use!! A woman wants to play with someone else? She's going to have it! I'm going to do everything I can do to make her dreams come true! But be damned careful what you ask for? You might just get it! When I was a little boy, in kindergarden, I got kicked out! :eek: Teacher told me that I had to go out to recease, and I asked what that was? She told me, that was where I go outside and play! I told her ~ "Gunny don't PLAY!!!!!" :eek: :mad: If crying couldn't make her stay! It sure as hell ain't going to make her come back! I've got no time for the pain! I've got no time for the tears! Got to get up early in the morning and get busy finding me a brand new lover! Let her be the one that see's me out on the street with a new HBX10 (Hot Babe X's 10) hanging on my arm and be the one that says ~ "DAMN! DID I SCREW UP OR WHAT? !!!!!! Edited December 31, 2012 by Gunny376 1
Author Justtiredofit Posted December 31, 2012 Author Posted December 31, 2012 Gunny...I love it! Where were you 3 weeks ago when this crap started? Well, it's only been 3 weeks......the worst (for her) will hit soon. This is the longest she's been away from me in almost 20 years. She won't be able to handle it. PLUS....her biggest fear is that I will hook back up with the OW that I left her for a year ago. Well, the OW just friended me on FB today. We will be going to a college reunion in 3 weeks (OW already asked me to go w/ her, as her husband left her 4 weeks ago too). She's already stated that the next time she sees me, all bets will be off, that she will not hold back this time. So.....at the reunion, people will be taking pics and posting them on FB. MY STBXW will be seeing things (thru my daughter's FB) that have haunted her for a year now: ME with this OW. In fact the other day she said "I hope _________ fulfills all your needs, you've been wanting that for some time now." Smart ass. "Revenge is a dish that is best served coooooold......"
Gunny376 Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 Gunny...I love it! Where were you 3 weeks ago when this crap started? Well, it's only been 3 weeks......the worst (for her) will hit soon. This is the longest she's been away from me in almost 20 years. She won't be able to handle it. PLUS....her biggest fear is that I will hook back up with the OW that I left her for a year ago. Well, the OW just friended me on FB today. We will be going to a college reunion in 3 weeks (OW already asked me to go w/ her, as her husband left her 4 weeks ago too). She's already stated that the next time she sees me, all bets will be off, that she will not hold back this time. So.....at the reunion, people will be taking pics and posting them on FB. MY STBXW will be seeing things (thru my daughter's FB) that have haunted her for a year now: ME with this OW. In fact the other day she said "I hope _________ fulfills all your needs, you've been wanting that for some time now." Smart ass. "Revenge is a dish that is best served coooooold......" A woman walks out on me after 18 to 20 years and is worried about who I'm thinking about and spending time with? Should had stayed her Happy House at the house! Some basic things kick in as soon as a woman walks out on me and tells me she's done! 1. She's just gave up any and all of her bitchin' rights about me, my life and anything about me ~ up to include how I'm spending my time, money, and who I'm spending it with and on! 2. She may have "Cut Me" off from what she's got to offer? But she can't "Cut Me" off from what some other woman has go to offer? I don't know if its because I'm more experienced or older or what? I don't worry about finding someone else. My concern is finding someone else that worth all the crap that they're going to put me through, that I'm going to have to put up with, deal with, choke down it. That is what is the ROI ~ Return On Investment ~ per my investement of time, effort, energy and money among other things? 1
Author Justtiredofit Posted January 1, 2013 Author Posted January 1, 2013 Well I screwed up. Had a couple of margaritas last night, wanted to drive back to the house and tell my STBXW that I missed her & didn't want to spend another minute without her. Before I did that, I called my daughter. She later probed my STBXW with "Hey mom, what would you do if dad came up here and....." I was devastated when she said my STBXW said "Honey there's no chance of me getting back with your dad." I know, I know.....STUPID. No more alcohol for me. Had a weak moment. My daughter says STBXW has no clue that she & I talked. Still, I feel stupid that I did that.
Gunny376 Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 (edited) The path that you own ~ the journey that your own is not a straight and linear one ~ its more of a very hilly, mountaioness, windy one with deep valleys, and high peaks! Your going to have highs and lows, victories and defeats, forward progess and regression. Some days and weeks ~ months even? Your going to make great progess! Your attidude will change, the smiles will come back to your face, the laugher will return to your voice. Then one day, when all seems right with the world, the sun is shinning, your out and about rubbing some sunshine on your face, the bluebirds are singing ~ its a really nice day. The flowers are blooming! Then BAMMMMMM! You see something, hear something, a song from back in tha' day, something jogs your memory, emotions flood your brain! And you find yourself in the nearest liqour store telling the clerk ~ "Just give me two fifths of anything! I don't give a damn!" Its a daily work in progress! Step # 1 Quit beating yourself up! Edited January 1, 2013 by Gunny376 1
Author Justtiredofit Posted January 1, 2013 Author Posted January 1, 2013 Thanks Gunny. Just don't want to lose my balls position. If my wife finds out my daughter & I talked, then I will lose my balls again. We're only 2.5 weeks out, and I KNOW she is or will soon be hurting too. You can't turn 20 years on & off like a light switch. Meanwhile, I'm gonna start dating! Now, HOW I'm gonna start dating I don't know......
Author Justtiredofit Posted January 1, 2013 Author Posted January 1, 2013 Now I just wanna go over there and say "Let's talk....you talk". And just listen to her. I know I ran over her heart 13 mos ago. Told her I didn't love her, never really loved her, etc. So I know there's deep anger and resentment there. I do wanna hear it & be empathetic. But damnit I have hurts too! She hurt me too! Going over there would be the worst mistake I could make....right?
Gunny376 Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 (edited) No only that? Your no where freaking ready for even casual dating. You've been thrown under the bus in ways you can only begin to imagine! You just don't know! If you've got a snowballs chance in Hell in even beginning to reconcile? Leave her alone ~ I say again LEAVE HER THA' HELL ALONE! You've (Like I) have done the worse thing you could ever do a woman! 1. You've hurt her deeply! :eek: 2. You've made he madder than hell! :mad: :mad: Dating would be like rubbing salt into an open wound! Going over and trying to deal with this "Matter of Factly" and cutting through the chase would be like shaving a Bobcat with a rusty razor, then attempting to give it a bath in alcohol, and THEN a full body massage in a tub of rock salt! :eek: There's no quick fix solution to it! You can't go to Lowes, Home Depot, nor Autozone and find the solution, part, nor tool to fix this! Take a Fool's advice! Just leave it tha' Hell (and her) alone! You've hurt her pride ~ self respect ~ self dignity! Edited January 1, 2013 by Gunny376 3
ataloss8270 Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 (edited) You can do whatever you would like. But just be prepared for the answer or no answer. But your silence says more than words. No answer is what my STBXW is doing. All she keeps saying is "I don't know what I want to do". And it hurts, but I am going to keep standing tall and give her space to dwell on it for a while, and work on myself. Unlike most people here I did do something worthy of my wife to leave without being able to be mad at her. I know and accept this, so all I can do is be patient with her and see if the resentment will fade way. My whole family has a trip planned for Disney world here in 4 months, my STBXW was invited by my mother because my mother doesn't want her to miss out on this for the Kids and I agree. We are going to be there for 9 days. So I am going to give her space until we go. If she doesn't file by the time we go, last night we are there I am going to ask her where we are at. If she tells me we are done I am going to file myself and move on. If she says I don't know I am going to give her more space. But I am preparing myself for the worst, I am preparing myself to hear it. My parents were separated once for almost 2 years, and they are still happily married. It was a hard time for them but it made them a stronger couple in the long run. Edited January 1, 2013 by ataloss8270 1
Author Justtiredofit Posted January 1, 2013 Author Posted January 1, 2013 Thanks guys. I have calmed down again. I am at peace once again (for the moment). Partly because I'm again in the "Not sure I really want this marriage" mode again. The lying, deception, using me, taking from me, draining me for 20 years.....just completely used me up. I don't think I could ever trust her again, I would constantly be looking over her shoulder. She drug her sister and my daughter under the bus in September when they exposed her to me (she said they were both lying even though they were both telling me the same story). She threw my daughter out of the house and told her she was going to hell for telling me. Mental.....mental. Ataloss...I feel your pain bro. YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING! Don't back down, and don't screw up like I did! When it becomes obvious to her that you have let go, you are moving on, and that she CAN'T have you, she will begin to pursue you again. (That's what people tell me). Now I just have to keep reminding myself of these things
ataloss8270 Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 (edited) We will find out. She's only been living on her own for 5 days. So I don't think it will start to hit for at least a few months. Like you and your wife we have a lot of stuff in the air right now that needs to settle down. I hope it does because I do love her. But from the way she acted this morning she seemed to see that I am at a point where I don't care either way. But I'm not going to read into it to much, because I know she has things going on in her mind as well. Edited January 2, 2013 by ataloss8270
Author Justtiredofit Posted January 2, 2013 Author Posted January 2, 2013 I understand. I have made some startling discoveries within the past couple of days. One is that I am co-dependent upon her. She uses her body and looks to manipulate me. It has worked all these years. She knows that she gets to me and that it will work every time, yet she has a terrible self esteem. It is sickening. It makes me sick. But what makes me even sicker is that I know that I have taken God off of the forefront of who I worshipped, and put her up there. Brothers when you do that, you are setting yourself up for HUGE PAIN. And that my boys is what I have realized that I have done. THAT is why I am hurting so bad. But when I began talking to God again this weekend, telling Him that I needed Him again, that I was sorry that I had replaced Him with her and her body, I began to feel a little bit of freedom....things began to lift off of me. I started to feel "free-er". Amazing. Yet SICK at the same time to discover what I have unknowingly done. I had no idea buys, no idea what I had done. Now I KNOW and feel what co-dependent people go through. Never knew it before, but I can now empathize with them.....cuz I have been there and am currently trying to break away. 1
Author Justtiredofit Posted January 2, 2013 Author Posted January 2, 2013 Amazing....even posting that post has given me a new outlook on this. I don't care as much.
revitup Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 Justtiredofit,You need to get out more.It is easy to become blinded by love,I did it for 18 yrs.Women look better when you LOVE them.When they turn on you it feels that you are somehow less than before.The thoughts I used to have were that STBXWW would have it so easy out in the dating scene and that men would swoon to her.There probably are men swooning to her,but I betcha there ain't a one of 'em ever gonna be the man I am. I personally wouldn't choose my STBXWW in a lineup of 99 cows and my STBXWW!!! If you get your head straight you will see the beauty in the world,including the fact that what's on the outside isn't really that important anyway.I would choose a kind and mentally stable woman over the former stripper types any day. There are some kind,smart,loving funny and loyal good looking women out there.They hit on me all the time.They always have. Just know that now, you have to get your head away for a while and your vision will improve dramatically.You are thinking about all of the good times including sex,I think of all of the horrors my STBXWW has done to me.I used to think like you are now thinking though....I woke up! It's OK to be alone....it's not OK to be lonely. NATURAL LAW-If your happiness is based on anything external....you're in big trouble! You can do this REVITUP
Author Justtiredofit Posted January 3, 2013 Author Posted January 3, 2013 Update: She texted "I turned in the papers to _______". I texted "Thank you". Thirty minutes later she texts "Are things ok?" Do I respond or just maintain silence?
todreaminblue Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 Agrreeeeed!! If Anything, a short unemotional text stating all communications to be through attornies. Then, Silence...................... (hear that?)..................crickets..........nothing......done. the sound of crickets chirping....so succinct.....short concise to the point.....then.....crickets always do best, they sing the swan song..deb
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