Those with a history of flaking, tend to be chronically single?

December 29, 2012

I wonder if it's because the relationship is with the right person, or because they have extremely adaptable personalities.

Having an easy-going personality certainly helps

December 29, 2012

Having an easy-going personality certainly helps

lol I'm easy going in the beginning... but I find it hard to keep it when people don't correspond to my expectations of what I think is the "right thing to do" in certain situations - be it pulling a disappearing act for x days, or not invite for a holiday or set plans when I think they should, or well... all those kind of things that annoy most people in the beginning of relationships.

I always wonder if people who are able to maintain relationships just turn the "I don't care although it's annoying me" mode on about stuff that in fact is really bothering them. Or just that they have less expectations about other's behaviors.

December 29, 2012

lol I'm easy going in the beginning... but I find it hard to keep it when people don't correspond to my expectations of what I think is the "right thing to do" in certain situations - be it pulling a disappearing act for x days, or not invite for a holiday or set plans when I think they should, or well... all those kind of things that annoy most people in the beginning of relationships.

I always wonder if people who are able to maintain relationships just turn the "I don't care although it's annoying me" mode on about stuff that in fact is really bothering them. Or just that they have less expectations about other's behaviors.

Hmm good question. I wondered something similar this week. One of my ex's who I remained friends with flew out to be with me during the holidays. He always had some personality quirks that annoyed me a lot and of course I was reminded of these while he was here. Made me wonder if people in long term relationships just overlook these things or don't get as annoyed as easily.

December 29, 2012

I agree with you guys but I guess I'm internalizing this. In my case, I am not super trustworthy as I do flake when making plans with people, i.e. I often cancel things if I wake up not in the mood for something. Which happens more often than I'd like. Does that mean I one is selfish and self-centered? And unable to have a long term relationship? I am asking in cases where it's kind of subtle and not obvious, more or less like OP described.

I've done this before, but it's not a regular thing.. In retrospect, while at the time I cancelled on grounds that I wasn't in the mood, wasn't sure about the guy, etc., the problem was not the guy or my mood: it's just that I wasn't ready to date.. not in the right emotional state or frame of mind to date..

December 29, 2012

lol I'm easy going in the beginning... but I find it hard to keep it when people don't correspond to my expectations of what I think is the "right thing to do" in certain situations - be it pulling a disappearing act for x days, or not invite for a holiday or set plans when I think they should, or well... all those kind of things that annoy most people in the beginning of relationships.

I always wonder if people who are able to maintain relationships just turn the "I don't care although it's annoying me" mode on about stuff that in fact is really bothering them. Or just that they have less expectations about other's behaviors.

I'm right there with you on this one.. The only and longest relationship I've had lasted 6 months and we had 2 break-ups (the 2nd one looks like it's final). Granted, it was long-distance and the guy was an assh*le.. but part of it was that I expected a certain amount of respect and communication (a reasonable amount) and he just wasn't willing to do that (maybe because he never viewed me as a girlfriend, but some chick he was having fun with every time he was sent to my country for work). Anyway, I don't think we should settle for anything less than respect and a decent level of communication. I did adapt, in order to keep the relationship, but the more I adapted, the more lazy he became. Eventually, I felt myself turn into a doormat. I don't think these sorts of relationship failure are OUR fault/problem.

December 29, 2012

I always wonder if people who are able to maintain relationships just turn the "I don't care although it's annoying me" mode on about stuff that in fact is really bothering them. Or just that they have less expectations about other's behaviors.

People in successful relationships need to have strong boundaries about the big stuff, and let a whole lot of little stuff go.

Successful parenting requires a similar balancing act.

December 29, 2012

People in successful relationships need to have strong boundaries about the big stuff, and let a whole lot of little stuff go.

Successful parenting requires a similar balancing act.

OK, so, for example: let's say your guy tells you that he's not gonna eat anything after coming home from work, so that you and him could go to dinner, on his last day in your country (he's traveling for a job). You agree to go to his place at 5:30pm, and then go have dinner together. You arrive at 5:30, and ask if he's ready to go have dinner. He tells you: oh, I already had a sandwich a while ago... Would you let go of that? Or get really pissed at him for disrespecting you/your time, when you didn't eat anything for hours, in order not to lose your appetite and could go for dinner with him? This actually happened to me, and I just let go of it... That's how much of a doormat I was... but that still didn't stop him from dumping me a month and a half later.

Or:

Him promising you that he's coming to visit you over the Christmas holidays, then coming up with excuses (too busy, laptop monitor died) for why he can't book a flight. Then, a week before the time he wanted to fly to see me, he says, ok, now I have the time to book it, and sits down and we look at flights together online, and then he says, that's gotten too expensive, I can't come... meanwhile, you had put on hold your plans to go see your sister over Christmas and New Year's (because I usually go the entire duration of Christmas/NYE period ,, which would've meant my bf wouldn't be able to visit me), and by the time he told you he couldn't come see you, tickets to go see your sister had gotten so expensive as well , which meant you had to spend Christmas and New Year's all alone... and he never even apologized... would you have something to tell him about that? If you were upset and didn't tell him anything about it, but were visibly upset / not very talkative (i.e. not texting him as before/ or at all) , if he turns that against you and gives you **** for giving him the "silent treatment"... is that your fault / you being inflexible/too demanding, or him being a jerk?

Edited December 29, 2012 by NoMoreJerks

December 29, 2012

OK, so, for example: let's say your guy tells you that he's not gonna eat anything after coming home from work, so that you and him could go to dinner, on his last day in your country (he's traveling for a job). You agree to go to his place at 5:30pm, and then go have dinner together. You arrive at 5:30, and ask if he's ready to go have dinner. He tells you: oh, I already had a sandwich a while ago... Would you let go of that? Or get really pissed at him for disrespecting you/your time, when you didn't eat anything for hours, in order not to lose your appetite and could go for dinner with him? This actually happened to me, and I just let go of it... That's how much of a doormat I was... but that still didn't stop him from dumping me a month and a half later.

I don't try to control what another adult eats, or when.

I would not starve myself for hours for a planned dinner, either. Why would you do that?

I'd expect him to honor our plans to spend time together, hungry or not. He could order a salad, or just a drink, and keep me company while I eat. Prioritizing my needs (hunger, time together) is big stuff. Whether or not we are both eating at exactly the same time is small stuff.

December 29, 2012

I don't try to control what another adult eats, or when.

I would not starve myself for hours for a planned dinner, either. Why would you do that?

I'd expect him to honor our plans to spend time together, hungry or not. He could order a salad, or just a drink, and keep me company while I eat. Prioritizing my needs (hunger, time together) is big stuff. Whether or not we are both eating at exactly the same time is small stuff.

Yeah, well, I didn't want to control what he ate or when. He had suggested we went to have dinner together, and I didn't eat because of that. He never called or texted and told me we weren't going. He just told me he can't go have dinner anymore because he had already eaten. He didn't ask me if I had had anything to eat, or if I'd like to go grab a bite an that he'd come with me and just get a drink or whatever.. He never suggested that. We stayed indoors, sitting in the dark, because he didn't feel like doing anything. Eventually, I got too hungry and the only thing he had left over was some chips, so I put that in a bowl and ate that.. That's just inconsiderate behaviour, and I don't think it's "small stuff" , but I wasn't sure if I am overreacting. That said, I never made a big deal out of this, but it really hurt me.

December 29, 2012

Him promising you that he's coming to visit you over the Christmas holidays, then coming up with excuses (too busy, laptop monitor died) for why he can't book a flight. Then, a week before the time he wanted to fly to see me, he says, ok, now I have the time to book it, and sits down and we look at flights together online, and then he says, that's gotten too expensive, I can't come... meanwhile, you had put on hold your plans to go see your sister over Christmas and New Year's (because I usually go the entire duration of Christmas/NYE period ,, which would've meant my bf wouldn't be able to visit me), and by the time he told you he couldn't come see you, tickets to go see your sister had gotten so expensive as well , which meant you had to spend Christmas and New Year's all alone... and he never even apologized... would you have something to tell him about that? If you were upset and didn't tell him anything about it, but were visibly upset / not very talkative (i.e. not texting him as before/ or at all) , if he turns that against you and gives you **** for giving him the "silent treatment"... is that your fault / you being inflexible/too demanding, or him being a jerk?

Of course I'd have something to say about that. And he's being a jerk.

But why would you wait so long, instead of saying, "this is the last week I can book plans to see my family. Since you haven't done anything, I'm going to go ahead and do that." You have to have boundaries.

December 29, 2012

He never suggested that. We stayed indoors, sitting in the dark, because he didn't feel like doing anything. Eventually, I got too hungry and the only thing he had left over was some chips, so I put that in a bowl and ate that..

I would never sit in the dark, hungry, for anyone. Not for my kid, not for my friend, not for my romantic partner. If I'm hungry, I'm either going to leave and get food, or order in! It sounds to me like you are expecting him to read your mind.

December 29, 2012

Of course I'd have something to say about that. And he's being a jerk.

But why would you wait so long, instead of saying, "this is the last week I can book plans to see my family. Since you haven't done anything, I'm going to go ahead and do that." You have to have boundaries.

True, I should've done that. But I was hoping to see him, because we hadn't seen each other for more than 1.5 months.. and he kept calling me every day and telling me that he'd get down to it soon, it's just that he hadn't had the time, the internet was too crappy at his hotel in Izmir, or that his laptop had died.. I didn't want to stress him out (he claimed he was too stressed already), so I thought I'd wait it out. He reassured me he'd book a flight soon, and that he was flexible on the price (as long as it was around 800-850 pounds). WHen he did sit down to book flights, they were still fairly reasonably priced. But he kept coming up with excuses/ being very picky about the times of flights, etc. So, he just left me in the lurch when he had given me EVERY reassurance that he'd book the flight that day.. He kept telling me he missed me and called me every day, so I didn't want to make him even more depressed/stressed by telling him he could no longer come because I had to book my flight to go see my sister since he hadn't done it yet..

December 29, 2012

I would never sit in the dark, hungry, for anyone. Not for my kid, not for my friend, not for my romantic partner. If I'm hungry, I'm either going to leave and get food, or order in! It sounds to me like you are expecting him to read your mind.

Not expecting him to read my mind, but to be considerate. I had told him I hadn't had anything to eat (because I usually don't get hungry very soon after I've had something to eat). A considerate and caring bf would at least tell me he'd come with me if I wanted to grab a bite. I would 've done the same if *I* had eaten and told him I couldn't go out because of that.

December 29, 2012

Not expecting him to read my mind, but to be considerate. I had told him I hadn't had anything to eat (because I usually don't get hungry very soon after I've had something to eat). A considerate and caring bf would at least tell me he'd come with me if I wanted to grab a bite. I would 've done the same if *I* had eaten and told him I couldn't go out because of that.

That's a good example of big stuff and little stuff.

A considerate bf will go with you to get something to eat. Whether or not he suggests it himself is small stuff. Be more assertive! Sitting and stewing is never good for relationships.

December 29, 2012

That's a good example of big stuff and little stuff.

A considerate bf will go with you to get something to eat. Whether or not he suggests it himself is small stuff. Be more assertive! Sitting and stewing is never good for relationships.

No I don't think so. She's expected to read his mind. If someone makes dinner plans with me, then I'm assuming we are eating and it's still on unless I am contacted and told otherwise. I think he's just inconsiderate and very rude. I don't think anyone is "starving themselves for hours" when waiting to eat dinner with someone. That's just what people do when you make dinner plans, you try not to spoil your appetite because you made dinner plans with someone.

If it had been me in the situation, I may have been a little stunned at his behavior to suggest that he come along with me while I eat. If she had thought to suggest that and he said No, what would you think of him then? I would think it would show even more of his rude true colors.

December 29, 2012

If she had thought to suggest that and he said No, what would you think of him then? I would think it would show even more of his rude true colors.

Yes, if after clear communication he refused to accommodate my need to eat, I'd be glad to be rid of him.

December 30, 2012

People in successful relationships need to have strong boundaries about the big stuff, and let a whole lot of little stuff go.

Successful parenting requires a similar balancing act.

Big stuff, little stuff is a great theory to use. I find it hard to find where things fit in the very beginning of dating when you just met someone (usually related to communication frequency, how the person is treating you in terms of affection, etc).

December 30, 2012

OK, so, for example: let's say your guy tells you that he's not gonna eat anything after coming home from work, so that you and him could go to dinner, on his last day in your country (he's traveling for a job). You agree to go to his place at 5:30pm, and then go have dinner together. You arrive at 5:30, and ask if he's ready to go have dinner. He tells you: oh, I already had a sandwich a while ago... Would you let go of that? Or get really pissed at him for disrespecting you/your time, when you didn't eat anything for hours, in order not to lose your appetite and could go for dinner with him? This actually happened to me, and I just let go of it... That's how much of a doormat I was... but that still didn't stop him from dumping me a month and a half later.

Or:

Him promising you that he's coming to visit you over the Christmas holidays, then coming up with excuses (too busy, laptop monitor died) for why he can't book a flight. Then, a week before the time he wanted to fly to see me, he says, ok, now I have the time to book it, and sits down and we look at flights together online, and then he says, that's gotten too expensive, I can't come... meanwhile, you had put on hold your plans to go see your sister over Christmas and New Year's (because I usually go the entire duration of Christmas/NYE period ,, which would've meant my bf wouldn't be able to visit me), and by the time he told you he couldn't come see you, tickets to go see your sister had gotten so expensive as well , which meant you had to spend Christmas and New Year's all alone... and he never even apologized... would you have something to tell him about that? If you were upset and didn't tell him anything about it, but were visibly upset / not very talkative (i.e. not texting him as before/ or at all) , if he turns that against you and gives you **** for giving him the "silent treatment"... is that your fault / you being inflexible/too demanding, or him being a jerk?

What you are describing is a failing attempt at a relationship, which doesn't really fall into the same category as what xxoo was talking about, IMO. I think she's talking about a successful, committed relationship and what both parties need to do (don't sweat the small stuff while being willing and ready to get uncomfortable about working through the big stuff - and being able to tell the difference). But people can't really get to that point without laying a lot of very solid foundation on their way.

December 30, 2012

I agree with you guys but I guess I'm internalizing this. In my case, I am not super trustworthy as I do flake when making plans with people, i.e. I often cancel things if I wake up not in the mood for something. Which happens more often than I'd like. Does that mean I one is selfish and self-centered? And unable to have a long term relationship? I am asking in cases where it's kind of subtle and not obvious, more or less like OP described.

I do this often as well. My friends call me flaky jokingly :/ For me, it's just that I am impulsive. When I am in the right mood, I will make plans and then if I am not in the right mood the day of, I may cancel (I do take in the consideration how important plans are and how my cancelation will impact a friend).

I don't display these qualities at work. I am super reliable and always meet my commitments.

With men I date, it's usually like this. I agree to a date with a man I am not that into because I feel that I should give him a chance. As the date draws closer, I feel less and less like going. I usually cancel the day before. When I date men I am passionate about though, wild horses can't stop me from seeing him. I think I would literally have to be in a coma. Earlier this year, I had a stomach bug and threw up for most of the day and felt really weak. I had a date that night with a guy I was really into. I looked forward to it all week. Despite feeling sick, I still spent 2 hours getting ready and turned up for the date.

Flaky dates= people that are not interested

December 30, 2012

Hello twin sister We do the exact same things, it seems.

Although I skipped one or two dates in special occasions with people I was passionate about when i.e. when I hadn't slept enough the night before or so. If I know I can't behave properly and the date is too important, I just cancel it. Not a good outcome usually as people hate flakes.

I think I would literally have to be in a coma.

December 30, 2012

i am not flaky at all

I am very committed to everything I do and when I say I will do something I will do it

And I am single. I guess i stay committed to the wrong things

December 30, 2012

True, I should've done that. But I was hoping to see him, because we hadn't seen each other for more than 1.5 months.. and he kept calling me every day and telling me that he'd get down to it soon, it's just that he hadn't had the time, the internet was too crappy at his hotel in Izmir, or that his laptop had died.. I didn't want to stress him out (he claimed he was too stressed already), so I thought I'd wait it out. He reassured me he'd book a flight soon, and that he was flexible on the price (as long as it was around 800-850 pounds). WHen he did sit down to book flights, they were still fairly reasonably priced. But he kept coming up with excuses/ being very picky about the times of flights, etc. So, he just left me in the lurch when he had given me EVERY reassurance that he'd book the flight that day.. He kept telling me he missed me and called me every day, so I didn't want to make him even more depressed/stressed by telling him he could no longer come because I had to book my flight to go see my sister since he hadn't done it yet..

The internet isn't the only way to book flights. His phone was clearly working if he was able to call you so much. Therefore he could have used his phone to call a travel agency or any airline directly and booked a flight that way. I have done this many times and often ended up with better deals than online. My guess is he had no intention of seeing you and rather than have the stones to say so he chose to just string you along with his empty promises.

I'm not trying to pour salt on open wounds here, but the only reason he was able to get away with that is because you let him. The more you allowed the excuses the longer he realized he could keep using them. I get that you missed him, wanted things to work, and wanted to believe him. But at some point you have to demand better treatment and I think all of us ladies have been in situations like this and find they're hard lessons to swallow.

December 31, 2012

Wow...didn't expect this amount of feedback. LOL I guess people have taken notice at the unreliability of people these days in how they choose to spend time or date you on a "whim's" notice.

Another clue to how someone is flakey or unreliable, when you ask them about an event that's coming up and if they'd like to go they give you the:

"I don't know what I got planned for that day, so I'm not sure now."

They're holding out for something BETTER than the event you invited them to, of course they have NO plans for that day, but their waiting on the BEST Thing that could possibly happen on THAT day. Which is usually nothing to write home about anyhow. LOL

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