DerangedAngel Posted August 16, 2004 Posted August 16, 2004 It seems like most women (that I know) have a set amount of time by which they think their lover should propose marriage. For some it's a couple of years. Others have been waiting eight to ten years hoping their partner would make definite plans for their future together. I'm just curious as to how couples feel about moving in together, if it's something you're comfortable with before marriage. I have a friend who has been in a long distance relationship (9+ hours) with her boyfriend for two years and she is getting quite disgusted that he is still not ready to take the next step and live together. She has even offered to move to his city. Once, after their first year of dating, he said he wanted her to move in with him, and then changed his mind. I was in a situation like this before, one that didn't really work out. I feel like the amount of time they have been together is plenty to basically break-up or get a little more serious. Am I wrong? Is she? From what she tells me, he is afraid that they might not get along with all the pressures of "real life" (his words). Such as finances, and managing their time. Also, he is living with his parents right now, paying very little, and doesn't want to give that up. In a nutshell. So I have her calling me, crying all the time, wondering if all this means he doesn't really love her, or at least thinking he already knows there is no point in worrying about the future. She's sick of the distance (I totally know how that is). I don't know what to tell her. I've only suggested talking to him, seriously, and she says that when she has done this in the past he gets agitated and leaves everything at a "we'll see" kind of status. How can she be firm, but not threatening? I know she wants to avoid giving him an ultimatum. Any thoughts? -Deranged
morrigan Posted August 16, 2004 Posted August 16, 2004 It's a tough situation, but she probably just needs to make living decisions for herself, rather than think of moving to be closer to this guy (unless she'd prefer to live in that area anyway). He doesn't seem decisive on living with her, actually, he doesn't seem decisive on any kind of future plans with her. It's hard financially to move out on your own, but I would figure that your friend's boyfriend will eventually move out of his family's house, unless he likes the idea of watching TV with mom and dad when he's 45. She should just be honest and tell him she plans to move out on her own (wherever she decides to live) and that she would like him to consider moving in with her. Leave it at that. As far as how long they've been dating, a number of my friends either were living together/making marriage plans after 2-3 years of being with the same person. I've never lived with either of the boyfriends I have dated; I don't think it's wrong to live with someone, I just like to have a place to myself and I don't plan on getting married. I don't think you should be expected to have an engagement/marriage/living situation by that time, but after 3 years, if they both don't have an understanding of eachother's plans for the the future, there are going to be problems.
RowanRavyn Posted August 16, 2004 Posted August 16, 2004 I think living together is a smart thing to do. I would much rather live with someone and find out we aren't compatible, then jump into matrimony and find it out. As for a "set" time frame....it depends on the couple. I know people who were engaged within a few weeks, and I know folks who have been living together for nearly six years and are only now getting engaged. Though I think a man in a two year, LTR that can't make SOME sort of commitment should be bumped to the curb. Sometimes I think people that are comfortable with LTR's simply want the trophy of saying they have a SO without the real commitment.
moimeme Posted August 17, 2004 Posted August 17, 2004 From what she tells me, he is afraid that they might not get along with all the pressures of "real life" (his words). Such as finances, and managing their time. Also, he is living with his parents right now, paying very little, and doesn't want to give that up. In a nutshell. Apparently, he thinks these things are good enough to keep you apart. This doesn't sound like he's much of a deal. If he amuses you, keep him around. Otherwise, drop the drip and move on. However I'd never live with anybody I wasn't considering marrying or living with permanently and I'd do it as part of the engagement. If it turns out that there are serious incompatibilities, you can always break an engagement but why live with someone if you don't plan to live with him long term?
RowanRavyn Posted August 17, 2004 Posted August 17, 2004 I agree, and I would never date someone that I didn't consider marriage material. That doesn't mean I go (went) into every dating situation thinking, this is the man I am going to marry. It meant, is this someone I can consider spending long term time with. Living together has been part of our engagement. For us it was a decision that was planned, and discussed with even the kids counselor. It was the right thing for us.
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