Author Annabelle27 Posted December 31, 2012 Author Posted December 31, 2012 Somehow you either make yourself accept it..since he is married and this is part of the package deal when one involves themselves in an affair. If you can't handle it, only other way is to end it and find a man who won't have sex with anybody else other than you. This can't just be about the sex and his intimate moments he shares with his wife. Or is it? Yes, that is what it's about, that's it.
jwi71 Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 Yes, that is what it's about, that's it. Why does it matter? Ultimately, does it matter if he is have sex with her? Not really. If he were single you would not expect fidelity from him in the absence of a commitment to you? If he were single and sleeping with you AND refusing to commit to you...well, what would that say? Its not so different from your A now. You either believe him or you don't. Ultimately, you have NO choice but to believe him if you expect your A to continue. Or do you plan on doubting and disbelieving him in other "arenas" as well....its the slow slope of insanity and the death of your A (or any R really).
ThatJustHappened Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 Yes, that is what it's about, that's it. So you're ok with him telling his wife he loves her, buying her presents, sleeping next to her every night, sharing meals with her, getting dressed and undressed in front of her..etc etc etc. As long as they're not having sex? Because he most likely does all of that incredibly intimate stuff with her to keep her unsuspecting. And yes, he's probably sleeping with her too. You are boosting his ego. You're making him feel like a big masculine hero..and then after he finishes up with you, he's taking those good feelings home with him and he's feeling good with her too. This is why I could never sleep with a married man. I don't share.
whichwayisup Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 Yes, that is what it's about, that's it. I know you don't want to end the affair with him because you love him, so you have no choice but to accept things as they are. Try not to think about it and don't ask him about it. Just enjoy the time you do spend with him and put him out of your head when you aren't with him. Keep busy and focus on YOUR friends, family, work, hobbies etc, don't make him your number one priority and don't drop your plans the minute he calls wanting to see you, don't put all your eggs in one basket. Basically live your life while he lives his. If you can't handle it, end it. Bluntly said, sorry, but this is how affairs work.
Author Annabelle27 Posted January 1, 2013 Author Posted January 1, 2013 I know you don't want to end the affair with him because you love him, so you have no choice but to accept things as they are. Try not to think about it and don't ask him about it. Just enjoy the time you do spend with him and put him out of your head when you aren't with him. Keep busy and focus on YOUR friends, family, work, hobbies etc, don't make him your number one priority and don't drop your plans the minute he calls wanting to see you, don't put all your eggs in one basket. Basically live your life while he lives his. If you can't handle it, end it. Bluntly said, sorry, but this is how affairs work. Thank you - sitting here NYE knowing all of the replies above people's replies - the pain is so surreal. I know chose this and don't want pity guess when people put it in writing and reading it over and over it takes the rosé colored glasses off. Thank you.
whichwayisup Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 Thank you - sitting here NYE knowing all of the replies above people's replies - the pain is so surreal. I know chose this and don't want pity guess when people put it in writing and reading it over and over it takes the rosé colored glasses off. Thank you. Just don't lie to yourself to keep the A going or to justify staying in it... Reality hurts but the truth is a good thing. Don't be afraid of the pain if you choose to walk away. Many people are too scared to deal with grieving process, try your best not to be. That pain is final and is the pathway to healing. I hope you make peace with all this. Even if that means you'll be hurting for a little while - It'll be worth it later in the future. You'll be free of the A dynamic, having to deal with the crazy stuff and your emotions that are so up and down.. Happy New Year. Make tomorrow (today) be the first step to detaching from him. Put a time limit on this and stick to an 'ending' date.
twinsmom Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 Oh, how I hated holidays when I was in my relationship with MM. It didn't matter which one it was; they all got me thinking...If it was Thanksgiving, I wondered if they were in the kitchen cooking up a big Thanksgiving feast together. If it was Christmas, I wondered if they were sitting around the tree opening gifts on Christmas morning. If it was New Year's Eve, I wondered if they were kissing at midnight, or more..If it was Valentine's Day, I wondered if they were exchanging cards and/or gifts. And the list goes on and on..All of the wondering and agonizing I was doing just served to make me enjoy those holidays less! Holidays that I used to love! Thank goodness that hasn't been the case in quite some time. I can honestly say that I no longer care what he is doing on any of these days. Do I still think of him on those days? Yes, but only very briefly, and no longer with longing. Never any longing, or wishing I was in his wife's shoes. Thank God that ended quite some time ago. It sure took a long time, but I can honestly say now that I have recaptured those holiday for ME and my kids. No intrusive thoughts any more. I so wish that same thing for every OW in the new year.
Author Annabelle27 Posted January 1, 2013 Author Posted January 1, 2013 2013 - it may be premature but I'm trying to have 1 day of NC with my MM. It's killing me but surprise he's not made the initial contact - probably enjoying NY with his wife and family. I actually have a good guy friend - not married - that I'm going out with today. This is hurting bad and not sure how long I can keep NC but its obvious I'm not first on his mind.
Author Annabelle27 Posted January 1, 2013 Author Posted January 1, 2013 And when he does finally make contact, you will be over the moon. You're not in "Day 1" of no contact. You're merely waiting for him to make contact - big difference. Christmas and New Year's are typical "That's it, I'm going NC" days for many OW. As soon the holidays are over, then things go back to the confines of the affair bubble. I'm not holding my breath for him to make contact bc he won't - he doesn't need me. Maybe I'm not the norm or stats for OW. At least I'm trying.
whichwayisup Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 2013 - it may be premature but I'm trying to have 1 day of NC with my MM. It's killing me but surprise he's not made the initial contact - probably enjoying NY with his wife and family. I actually have a good guy friend - not married - that I'm going out with today. This is hurting bad and not sure how long I can keep NC but its obvious I'm not first on his mind. Keep as busy as you can. Keep your phone off and make arrangements to change your number, this way if he does contact you in the future, you won't know about it! Problem solved..That is, if you truly want NC to work. You may or may not be first on his mind.. Even if you are, he isn't doing anything about it and reaching out to you. It's okay to hurt. It's supposed to hurt. You will get through this, be strong!
Author Annabelle27 Posted January 1, 2013 Author Posted January 1, 2013 Keep as busy as you can. Keep your phone off and make arrangements to change your number, this way if he does contact you in the future, you won't know about it! Problem solved..That is, if you truly want NC to work. You may or may not be first on his mind.. Even if you are, he isn't doing anything about it and reaching out to you. It's okay to hurt. It's supposed to hurt. You will get through this, be strong! Thank you for your honesty in all your replies - it does hurt right now but I'm trying. I know I alone chose this, but thank you for not trashing me.
neveragain34 Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 I give you credit for finally recognizing you are not part of the 1% that ends up with the MM. I know it's hard, but coming here is a huge step towards letting to of him. Before joining these threads, I had the rose colored glasses on as well. It took weeks of reading and going back to him after a couple of periods of NC to finally see him for the pig he really was. Don't be hard on yourself; we've all been there. My glasses were so foggy that I was the one who ordered Thanksgiving dinner for his wife and kids when they came into town to visit him (they don't live in same city)! I also wrapped the Christmas presents he bought for his kids, nieces, and nephews!!! So pathetic. The only good that came of the A was self-reflection to figure out what why I settled for this type of relationship. It's too soon to tell, but I think this experience will make me a stronger person. Was a definite learning experience.
Catplates Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 2013 - it may be premature but I'm trying to have 1 day of NC with my MM. It's killing me but surprise he's not made the initial contact - probably enjoying NY with his wife and family. I actually have a good guy friend - not married - that I'm going out with today. This is hurting bad and not sure how long I can keep NC but its obvious I'm not first on his mind. If you can do one day, then maybe you can do another and another? Give it a go and all my best wishes to you. Cat
whichwayisup Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 Thank you for your honesty in all your replies - it does hurt right now but I'm trying. I know I alone chose this, but thank you for not trashing me. No point in doing that, it serves no purpose..And, something tells me you probably beat yourself up more than you should. So don't do that anymore! You're welcome. I am harsh sometimes, but it comes from a good place. Trying is good..Just do this day by day..hour by hour if need be.
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